Red flag or green flag?

[Kwothe28]

Not me related per se, just thought it would be fun to discuss. Saw video on socials. I am sometimes kinda "boomer" for those stuff so didnt find original video(dont think its recent and I just saw it yesterday) and just managed to find some reactions one. 

Basically, she received flowers from the guy who she went on 2 dates with. On "Mothers Day", and he addressed it as her dog and wrote pretty nice message basically congratulating her on a day and saying how he heard she met a nice guy that has 2 dogs and they should "sniff out" sometimes. Now comes the bad part. He didnt had her address. So she was creeped out by it(not to mention made a viral video about him). 

So what do you think? Red flag or green flag? 😁

Personally I am seeing both sides of the issue. Some do share her sentiments. Others think that its still cute. Some think it wouldnt be a problem if she actually liked the guy. Which I also could see since in lots of cases the difference between how people perceive certain actions does depend on our perception of a person. We see it on the forum threads where people are more then willing to ignore huge red flags when they just like somebody. So can see all of it. 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not me related per se, just thought it would be fun to discuss. Saw video on socials. I am sometimes kinda "boomer" for those stuff so didnt find original video(dont think its recent and I just saw it yesterday) and just managed to find some reactions one. 

Basically, she received flowers from the guy who she went on 2 dates with. On "Mothers Day", and he addressed it as her dog and wrote pretty nice message basically congratulating her on a day and saying how he heard she met a nice guy that has 2 dogs and they should "sniff out" sometimes. Now comes the bad part. He didnt had her address. So she was creeped out by it(not to mention made a viral video about him). 

So what do you think? Red flag or green flag? 😁

Personally I am seeing both sides of the issue. Some do share her sentiments. Others think that its still cute. Some think it wouldnt be a problem if she actually liked the guy. Which I also could see since in lots of cases the difference between how people perceive certain actions does depend on our perception of a person. We see it on the forum threads where people are more then willing to ignore huge red flags when they just like somebody. So can see all of it. 

I went out with someone and on the second date I let him know where I lived. He was a perfect gentlemen. Now, if I didn't already let him know my address, naturally I'm going to wonder how he managed to get my physical address. I would ask him. Did he follow her and is that how he found out her address? Yes, that would be eerie for sure!

The flowers and card may be harmless but he lacks common sense and awareness that he's given off a stalker vibe by outing her physical address. Typically we have to go by our first impressions. The lady's impression was creeped out and therefore, a warning. Glad that she lived to tell about it! 

[SophiaG]

Um, no. The card might be cute but I don't like it when a new date uses social engineering to find out undisclosed details. He could have asked her or just arranged a meeting to hand it to her. Digging out her address with Google or whatever is an infringement of privacy. 

[ShySoul]

Orange flag. Just checked and orange can represent playfulness and fun. Plus it's just the best color.

Really depends on what happened during the two dates. Apparently in this case he read things wrong. But I can see two people enjoying doing and saying silly or cute things with each other. I've known couples to give Christmas gifts from their pets. Giving a card really isn't that different. I have done goofy things for a woman before and it's pretty much always got a laugh and smile. If that is their personalities and how they have related with each other on the dates, then I don't think there is a problem with it.

As for knowing her address, it's amazing what you can find with a Google search these days. And I've seen people on here recommend doing searches and checking on people's background. I don't like the idea myself, but it would seem hypocritical to say it's okay for some and not for others. 

 

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

As for knowing her address, it's amazing what you can find with a Google search these days. And I've seen people on here recommend doing searches and checking on people's background. I don't like the idea myself, but it would seem hypocritical to say it's okay for some and not for others. 

That's a good point but one person is doing the searching for safety reasons (most likely) while the other is not.

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

That's a good point but one person is doing the searching for safety reasons (most likely) while the other is not.

Hence why I said I'm not comfortable with it. Actually, don't like the idea of anyone having to look anything up.

Do we know when he found the address though? Maybe he looked her up for safety reason before the first date. 

There are a lot of variable that can't be seen from a one minute video.

[Batya33]

Ok. So in 2006 my young and widowed friend met a special lady. But they’d only been out maybe twice. He called me. Where was the best florist to buy flowers for her to have delivered to her office - a large bank company. To me this was too much plus I wouldn’t do office as she might be embarrassed etc. he ended up calling a high end hotel and asking which florist they used and ordering from there. She was thrilled. But I strongly believe she was totally into him from day one. They met at a singles dinner event. They’ve been married forever. So yes it was not her home but to me the workplace is as risky / problematic. I believe - knowing her for many years - she’d have been freaked out if she wasn’t totally into him. 
I think it’s too risky to deliver anything to the persons house if she hasn’t already given her address.

When I make new friends through FB groups I don’t then go connecting on LinkedIn for example because I don’t want them to feel weird that I searched.  But I will ask if they’d like to connect. But if I meet someone at a professional event or training and they supply their last name I feel it’s ok to send an invite to connect on LinkedIn because it’s socially acceptable. But I’d never call their office or send anything to their office. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Dating is so much different these days

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

As for knowing her address, it's amazing what you can find with a Google search these days. And I've seen people on here recommend doing searches and checking on people's background. I don't like the idea myself, but it would seem hypocritical to say it's okay for some and not for others. 

I dont do it and always find it distasteful especially during the first few dates. Of course people will do what they’ll do but why show the other person you’ve cyber stalked them? If you meet up in public and avoid private settings a background check isn’t that necessary. And you’d learn those details before things get serious. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Hence why I said I'm not comfortable with it. Actually, don't like the idea of anyone having to look anything up.

Do we know when he found the address though? Maybe he looked her up for safety reason before the first date. 

There are a lot of variable that can't be seen from a one minute video.

I don't care if someone looked me up to make sure I wasn't some kind of weirdo. 🤣 But honestly, I have never looked anyone up for background check reasons, but I can clearly understand why some people could and want to get to know a little more about a person before meeting them.

The internet has surely made it easy for one to find information about others, so it is no surprise that people would use it in order to feel peace of mind or safe. I do believe everyone deserves a clean slate and the chance to make first impressions in person though, rather than with a Googling.

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I dont do it and always find it distasteful especially during the first few dates. Of course people will do what they’ll do but why show the other person you’ve cyber stalked them? If you meet up in public and avoid private settings a background check isn’t that necessary. And you’d learn those details before things get serious. 

Where were you a few months ago when there was a thread of people saying this was acceptable and even normal? 😉

I agree with you. If you feel the need to background check a person, maybe you just shouldn't be dating at this time. What's next, showing up with a drug test? 

And in this case, I think he had a cute and innocent idea. He just had very poor execution.

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't care if someone looked me up to make sure I wasn't some kind of weirdo. 🤣 But honestly, I have never looked anyone up for background check reasons, but I can clearly understand why some people could and want to get to know a little more about a person before meeting them.

The internet has surely made it easy for one to find information about others, so it is no surprise that people would use it in order to feel peace of mind or safe. I do believe everyone deserves a clean slate and the chance to make first impressions in person though, rather than with a Googling.

But what if they were hoping you were a weirdo? Not in a disturbing way, but in the fun and quirky way. 😉

I get the why, just feel it's unncessary. It's why I've spent hours (or even months) talking online or on the phone before meeting someone, so by the time we do meet I've already got a good sense of who they are. And it's why we still meet in public. Take your time and get to know the person, and you can learn just as much as the search engines will tell you.

[Cherylyn]

Red flag for me.  He's creepy and weird.  👎  🤨 No oddballs in my life. 

[Batya33]

I did google searches and I canceled two dates because of them -one where he'd committed white collar crimes and one where he was lying about his age. In the first example I simply told him I couldn't meet after all.  Second case I did tell him that I was aware he was lying about his age and this was a dealbreaker. I wouldn't have used the information to contact them in a different way though. Or send a gift, etc.  One time -LOL - I was in contact with a guy online, we decided to meet and he told me where his brother lived.  Turned out brother lived in my high rise apartment building.  I did feel comfortable telling him I did too so for our first meet we met in my lobby and walked to the local diner where he'd been of course a number of times before!

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

 

 

 

I realize this is a bit off topic, but curious minds want to know what are these links for? Is it related to the story?

[cat8]

Of course in my book it is a red flag for just seeking out the address and all, but be realistic. Anyone can find anyone nowadays with searches and minimal effort.

Does not mean one should act on it, but we need to get more aligned with how simple all of this is.

Personally... I am old school and communicate, slow roll and such. Just the way I have always been. I proceed with caution and think things through with how a woman may interpret etc..

Yet when I read stories I try to see both sides of approach. stay vigilant and vocalize on both sides. Can always retort with something like "thx for the flowers and thoughts, but I am not comfortable with just sending to my address just yet.." Other than that, info is fluid and look at super creeper things like people and air tags put on cars to track. Yikes! 

[ShySoul]

40 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I realize this is a bit off topic, but curious minds want to know what are these links for? Is it related to the story?

I'm seeing the actual TikTok video. Is it not showing for you?

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, yogacat said:

Did he follow her and is that how he found out her address? Yes, that would be eerie for sure!

I dunno. The video just says she didnt tell him where she lived. So maybe he just found it online. 

15 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Digging out her address with Google or whatever is an infringement of privacy. 

I mean, there is no law against it. Not even for doxing somebody which by all means it should be a law. Dont really think he should be put on the blast because he sent a nice card. He could actually showed up at her door which would be way overboard. But this is just not very threatening . But I can see how its not really appropriate in a means that he didnt ask for address first. 

I always advise people not to share their address or any kind of personal info on the internet. Not only that somebody could find you through it, you could be a potential target of various scams. Technology has gone so far that I saw people finding people through background photo. Whole concept of privacy needs to be evaluated when we share so much online that somebody can indeed find us based on that data.

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So yes it was not her home but to me the workplace is as risky / problematic

I think it also depends on how much you like somebody. Saw various examples where they, for example, hapilly accept flowers for birthdays at work. From people who they are not in relationship/married. My politician friend adviced me once to take flowers to a womans work on her birthday. Here, it seems to be acceptable thing. But I also thought its maybe overboard and just gave it to her when we saw each other.

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I believe - knowing her for many years - she’d have been freaked out if she wasn’t totally into him. 

That is what I am contemplating about this case as well. That it wouldnt be an issue if she liked him. But she doesnt so she freaked out and made a viral video about him. Sometimes difference between acceptable and not acceptable is just in how we see the other person.

11 hours ago, yogacat said:

I realize this is a bit off topic, but curious minds want to know what are these links for? Is it related to the story?

At the end of the video? It should be similar videos recommendation but TikTok is weird about it. Wanted to put on the video without link and downloaded it but it didnt permit me to do it. So just put on related link about it to go with the story. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, there is no law against it. Not even for doxing somebody which by all means it should be a law. Dont really think he should be put on the blast because he sent a nice card. He could actually showed up at her door which would be way overboard. But this is just not very threatening . But I can see how its not really appropriate in a means that he didnt ask for address first. 

I always advise people not to share their address or any kind of personal info on the internet. Not only that somebody could find you through it, you could be a potential target of various scams. Technology has gone so far that I saw people finding people through background photo. Whole concept of privacy needs to be evaluated when we share so much online that somebody can indeed find us based on that data.

I did not know what the term "doxing" meant until I looked it up.

I feel this just boils down to comfort levels. People have had maybe bad experiences in the past, maybe this woman did. I recall one time a man that I met online was trying to get my physical address because he wanted to send me something. He turned out to be (for lack of a nicer word....) a kook and I'm grateful I never gave him real information about me.

Would the outcome read any different if he would've asked for permission first? For sure! A text saying "Hey, would you mind if I sent you something for the Holidays? Is that something that you would be okay with? I want to respect your privacy and comfort level." Would of been a completely fine way to ask if the woman would have accepted the "gift" or not.

Edit to add:

I once contemplated sending a card to someone at their place of work. It was someone I dated in the past. I opted not to because I thought it might have been too intrusive. 

[tattoobunnie]

I would have thought it was sweet. But, I'm old. Men of my dating generation took initiative - sent flowers, picked you up from your home, called you on the phone, left a message if you didn't pick up, paid the bill.

Now, it's all constant text messages like, "hey", endless selfies, and swiping based on appearances.

Granted, back then women couldn't get their own credit cards or commercial bank loans.  So, really, toss up - what I do know is Gen Z and A would best be served if they could look at each other when they hung out IRL instead of their smartphones. 

You can find anyone really on the internet - endless companies publish all your goodies.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

think it also depends on how much you like somebody. Saw various examples where they, for example, hapilly accept flowers for birthdays at work. From people who they are not in relationship/married. My politician friend adviced me once to take flowers to a womans work on her birthday. Here, it seems to be acceptable thing. But I also thought its maybe overboard and just gave it to her when we saw each other.

Yes but before the second or third date?

[rainbowsandroses]

After only two what I assume to be casual dates based on her response in the video, I think it was creepy as ****.

The looking up her address which has a stalkerish element to it combined with flowers and what's written in the card under the guise of being from her dog (yeah right) was way way too much and over the top!

I'm sure he meant well and was trying to be cute hoping it would impress her but for me and apparently her, ICK.

I'm surprised no one picked up on the subliminal message he sent under the guise of being from her dog?

"I love you mom, Can't wait to see you and cuddle you and give you lots of kisses."

Really????   Like she said, it was TWO dates! 

Who sends that after only two casual dates even under the guise of being from her dog? 

Which is a load of *, these were HIS thoughts.  That's how I would view it and I assume how SHE viewed it. 

No normal healthy man would ever send a card like that with those words after only two dates. 

Yes this is a huge red flag worthy of a block and delete imo and not flattering in the least. 

 

[redswim30]

Considering they have only been on two dates, this is a huge red flag.   If they had been dating longer, it would be cute. 

But with it only being a couple dates, this is overkill.  IMVHO, most women would feel creeped out by this due to the short amount of time they have actually spent together. 

Too much, too soon. 

[mylolita]

[JoyfulCompany]

Huge red flag for two reasons:
1. Trying to force familiarity where it hasn't been built yet - he's never seen her dog, he's never seen how she acts with her dog, so to compliment her as a "dog mom" on Mother's day from her dog's point of view is too much.
2. Creepily using her address before she's officially given out that information - I won't speak from every woman's point of view, but as a single woman living alone, I did feel vulnerable, often. Even if my address is somehow visible online, I would not like it if the man uses it before I've ever invited him over or at least explicitly shared it.

At best, he has poor understanding of boundaries, at worst he's insecure and controlling.
And no, even if I liked him a lot up to this point, those would've been dealbreakers. I've been irked by less than that and it killed any attraction I've had. The only context I would really appreciate the good humour in would be if we were officially dating for some time and we've also spent time together with said pet.

He could've just wrote a message (if he liked this part of the joke so much): "Hey, I told my dogs about you and your dog and they said we should "sniff out" sometimes, do you wanna go walk them all together on Saturday?". Or he could've simply set a date, brought her flowers and joked it was for Mother's day, as she's a "dog mom" after all (if he liked that part of the joke so much).