Did I scare her off by rushing her?

[facelesswanderer]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I don't think she is hateful at all.  I think she is not interested in dating you and or not available to date you.  I don't think she overthinks at all -i think she blurted out what she was feeling from her cynical point of view.  I think she could be a very good person overall -and not interested in dating you.  I would leave it.  If in the future she is interested in dating you since she knows you are so interested she can reach out to you, and  you can decide then if you are still interested in dating her.

I don't think you should hate her -that seems really unfair - she's allowed not to be into you and she's showing and telling you that but you don't particularly want to hear it or act on it.  

Your perceptions are biased because you want her so badly.

When my future husband and I reconnected after years apart and he asked me to get back together we were both interested and available.  As much as he was so so into getting back together I know for sure that if I'd responded with "but ..... are you sure you really mean that?? Is it just because you're almost 39 and you're feeling desperate to get married and have a family so why not pick me????" - he would have reassured me and he would have been really put off and worried that I would think that badly of him.  Trust -appropriate level of trust -is essential. 

If you ask a woman out on a date and she responds with distrust - red flag.  This woman doesn't trust that you want to get to know her in a dating context for the right reasons for honest authentic reasons - and if she "overthinks" she's not thinking enough about how her words can needlessly hurt - or she simply realizes that she can create distance by telling a reasonably secure person "what? you want to date me? oh right it must be because I told you I wasn't interested so you see me as some sort of prize. Right?" Then what -you're supposed to "prove" her wrong?? Dating is hard enough without that burden IMO.

I think posting this thread has made me realise how little outside sources can understand about very personal and dynamic matters, and how little they can give insightful advice on something that only 2 people truly have an answer for.

Half of what you said feels so inaccurate to me it’s almost comical, and I’m not sure if you’ve misinterpreted my comments or I didn’t express them properly or what but I suppose this will be the last post I make on the topic.

 

Either way, I’ll pull back. That’s the end of it.

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, facelesswanderer said:

I think posting this thread has made me realise how little outside sources can understand about very personal and dynamic matters, and how little they can give insightful advice on something that only 2 people truly have an answer for.

Half of what you said feels so inaccurate to me it’s almost comical, and I’m not sure if you’ve misinterpreted my comments or I didn’t express them properly or what but I suppose this will be the last post I make on the topic.

 

Either way, I’ll pull back. That’s the end of it.

Yes I've found in general that in situations like yours the person who is focused on waiting for someone to change their mind about interest in dating defaults to this sort of "well you don't get it." That's fine I'm just hear to give input not be right. Obviously it's your risk to take with this person and it's your time to spend as you wish or waste as you wish or whatever in between.  I find that there's some individual variation in situations like these but I don't operate on remote possibilities or rare exceptions when I give input.  Nor did I do so when I was looking for the right person to marry as I knew I had limited time -as we  all do-and for me I preferred to invest my time, energy and emotions wisely in my search. 

That's the dynamic/perspective/outlook "philosophy" if I feel like being ultra fancy -I operate from.  Because I did I personally increased my chances of becoming the right person to find the right person and increased my chances of being in the right place at the right time despite zero guarantees of finding the right person for me. 

It ended up working out so great for me.  It wouldn't have for sure if I'd waited around for the men who weren't that into me or weren't available to date me or both. But not all people have my goals or admit to themselves that they don't.  Some are happier with chasing unavailable people, some are happier being friends and waiting and pining and yearning for more, some are happy being friends and occasionally hooking up with the person when they are between relationships and all sorts of "dynamics" and situation.  I can't really relate to those approaches in a practical way since those were just really temporary phases for me -the vacation fling, the crushes, the oh he just likes me as a friend but if I jump through this hoop or find a better hair product or stick needles in a voodoo doll of the woman he does want then......

Hope it works out for you and hope you enjoy your daily life including seeing if this woman changes her mind and wants to date you or whatever you decide would make you happy if she changes her mind and is "ready" as you described it and hope for.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

I think posting this thread has made me realise how little outside sources can understand about very personal and dynamic matters, and how little they can give insightful advice on something that only 2 people truly have an answer for.

Half of what you said feels so inaccurate to me it’s almost comical, and I’m not sure if you’ve misinterpreted my comments or I didn’t express them properly or what but I suppose this will be the last post I make on the topic.

 

Either way, I’ll pull back. That’s the end of it.

No, you did not scare her off. She will most likely respond this way regardless of what you do.

Look, everyone moves at their own pace but a month is a bit of time to build a relationship with somebody.

You hung out twice at work and went for a 5 hour car ride but then she is the one who is allowed to put the limit on you making moves.  

She will most likely come back to you on her terms maybe, but you have to protect your heart or you could spend an entire life being rejected and waiting for her. Set some boundaries, and if you don't believe aspirationlly that her boundaries will change as you get to know her then you'll need to stand on your own or everyone will use you.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Theodore23 said:

I’m reaching out for some advice because I’m feeling a bit uncertain about a situation I’m in.

I dated a girl earlier this year, but things ended because she was still dealing with some mental health issues related to her recent breakup with a difficult ex. I completely understood that.

Recently, I realized I still have strong feelings for her, despite trying to move on. A month ago, I broke things off with another girl I felt I was leading on and confessed to my feelings for this girl. She said she felt the same and was open to trying again, as long as we took it slow to reconnect.

We text every day, but not excessively. She tends to overthink things. Recently, she even asked if I liked her just because I wasn’t aware of my feelings before. I reassured her that wasn’t the case, but I wanted to be supportive and affectionate to help her feel secure.

We’ve hung out a couple of times at work, and she came to see me during my shifts. When I suggested hanging out outside of work, we ended up spending five hours talking in her car, which I thought was really nice.

At one point, I asked her about her idea of taking things slow and if a kiss would be too fast. She seemed flustered and said, “Not this time, next time.” I was totally fine with that; I want to respect her pace.

After I got home, she texted me saying she was sorry and that she didn’t think she was ready yet. I told her not to feel bad about it and that I’m okay with moving at her pace. She often apologizes even when it’s unnecessary, which I find a bit surprising.

Since then, things have felt a bit off. Our texts have slowed down, and I know she’s busy with university exams and work, but it’s hard to have a proper conversation with her lately.

I’m starting to worry that she thinks I’m rushing her and might be pulling away. Given her past experiences with bad relationships, I want to make sure I’m being understanding.

Am I overthinking this? Did I scare her off? I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice!

Thanks!

---

Feel free to adjust any part of it as needed!

 

Why did you post this again under a different username? 

We see this a lot when people don't like the responses they're getting to their orginal posts.