Did I scare her off by rushing her?

[facelesswanderer]

Did I scare her off by rushing her?

Can't believe I'm here asking for advice but I'd like some opinions on this.

So there's this girl who I dated at the start of this year which ended because she was still struggling mentally with issues from her ex boyfriend who she had only recently broken up with (apparently he was a ***). I believe her on this.

About a month ago I realised I still had pretty strong feelings for her despite trying my best to move on, and I broke it off with another girl I understood I was unintentionally leading on and immediately confessed to her that I was still into her. She said she felt the same and would be open to trying again with me, as long as we take it slow and get to know each other again.

We text every day, but not too much. She is a huge overthinker, and actually asked me if "I only still liked her because I didn't know that I liked you back," which I obviously denied and was confused what events occurred for her to believe that in the first place, but I figured I should try and act more lovey dovey with her so she wouldn't get in her own head and dip out, which is the last thing I want since I do have quite strong feelings for her. FYI I had a pretty strong suspicion she was still into me, I would catch her staring at me a lot at work.

Anyway, I hung out with her a couple times at work. We work at the same job but have different shifts so she came to see me while I was working by myself and I did the same back. I asked her to hang out outside of work and she suggested we go for a walk on the beach but we just spent 5 hours sitting inside her car yapping and it was very cute imo.

When she dropped me back off at my car, I said something along the lines of "when you said you wanted to take things slow, how slow?" She was taken aback, so I clarified with "like if I wanted to kiss you right now, would that be too fast for you?"

She was flustered and said "no, no, not this time. Next time." I'm completely okay with this. I really don't want to rush her into intimacy.

After I got home she sent me a text saying "I'm so sorry," and "I was thinking about it to before you asked but I just don't think I'm ready yet and I need a bit more time to see how things are going." She has a habit of apologising a lot actually, even when she has no reason to. Anyway of course I said that I don't want her to feel bad about not being ready, and I'm perfectly fine to move at her pace and that I'm sorry if I made her feel awkward. She replied that she just felt bad about saying no.

It's been a weird few days since then. Texts have slowed down, and I know she has university exams and is working, but I just can't really catch a proper conversation with her that doesn't span over multiple hours throughout the day.

I'm kind of concerned that she thinks I'm trying to rush her so she's trying to pull away. I know she's dealt with bad men in her life (I don’t mean like, ones she’s slept with and used her etc) particularly her ex boyfriend which was her first relationship.

I'm 21 and she's 20 if this effects anything. I didn't really consider that a kiss is rushing too fast but maybe everyone has different ideas of it.

Am I overthinking this? Did I scare her off? What do you guys think? Any more information I can clarify in the comments 🙂

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you scared her off. 

I just don't see that much interest on her part, in a romantic way. If I were you, I would shelve this and not reach out anymore. If she doesn't bother to initiate, you will know that it's really time to move on. 

[facelesswanderer]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you scared her off. 

I just don't see that much interest on her part, in a romantic way. If I were you, I would shelve this and not reach out anymore. If she doesn't bother to initiate, you will know that it's really time to move on. 

Roger that. By initiate what do you mean? Like don’t talk to her at all and wait for her? Or initiate as in wait for her to ask to hang out?

[MissCanuck]

45 minutes ago, facelesswanderer said:

Roger that. By initiate what do you mean? Like don’t talk to her at all and wait for her? Or initiate as in wait for her to ask to hang out?

The bolded. 

She seems to be distancing herself from you so you would be wise to stop reaching out to her, too. And don't wait for her. She may or may not contact you for the reasons you hope. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

Roger that. By initiate what do you mean? Like don’t talk to her at all and wait for her? Or initiate as in wait for her to ask to hang out?

I don't think this is her wanting to take it slow for reasons related to seeing potential with you. I think she is not that into you so slow is not about building something "slowly" (which is subjective and some couples do this -mutually) - but continuing to keep you in her orbit in case she changes her mind.  She's not an overthinker at all -she asked you bluntly if you only want her because she didn't want you - she is telling you who she is -she is suspicious of your motives, she doesn't think you are interested in her as a person as opposed to the thrill of the chase. I wouldn't take on that uphill battle.  Dating is hard enough.  

If she asks you to "hang out" do so only if you're ok being platonic friends and later on if she starts dating someone hearing about her excitement about her new dating prospect, etc.

[shouldhavelearned]

Not the question to ask someone right away.

Let things flow naturally and give it some time.

See where it goes and how the relationship develops.

[Andrina]

She's never been a good dating prospect, and continues that pattern. You're at an age where you're probably meeting a lot of singles in your age group. No need to risk your heart on someone who has a lot of emotional baggage, won't date at a normal pace, doesn't put in an ideal amount of effort, and when you say she apologizes for stuff all the time without needing to, who the heck wants to be around that weirdness/negativity?

Chemistry is only an initial place to start from in deciding to pursue something with a woman. But to wisely date, you have to also take into consideration all the other important things you should ask yourself. Is a person fully and emotionally ready to date me, and at a normal pace? Is she totally into me, and makes that crystal clear? Does she have the same ethics/relationship boundaries/dating goals as me? Do I feel more satisfaction than frustration/worries/upsets when we're together and apart?

From the outside looking in, she doesn't meet any of what should be your must-haves.

[facelesswanderer]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

She's never been a good dating prospect, and continues that pattern. You're at an age where you're probably meeting a lot of singles in your age group. No need to risk your heart on someone who has a lot of emotional baggage, won't date at a normal pace, doesn't put in an ideal amount of effort, and when you say she apologizes for stuff all the time without needing to, who the heck wants to be around that weirdness/negativity?

Chemistry is only an initial place to start from in deciding to pursue something with a woman. But to wisely date, you have to also take into consideration all the other important things you should ask yourself. Is a person fully and emotionally ready to date me, and at a normal pace? Is she totally into me, and makes that crystal clear? Does she have the same ethics/relationship boundaries/dating goals as me? Do I feel more satisfaction than frustration/worries/upsets when we're together and apart?

From the outside looking in, she doesn't meet any of what should be your must-haves.

Yeah, I know she's not a good dating prospect. Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness. She's just different, introverted and kinda shy like me but I don't fully know how to explain it through words here. I'm fairly certain she's attracted to me as well, at least physically. I know I'm not a bad looking dude. Guess it all lies in the emotionally maturity here.

I almost want to risk my heart on her just because I enjoy her presence so much. We started out as friends, by the way, so I had a lot of time to develop emotionally with her. I'm not sure why she apologises all the time, and yeah it does concern me and I always tell her not to apologise for nothing because secretly it makes me feel bad.

She does make it clear she's into me. We've had several intimate discussions about how we feel about each other. One thing that concerns me is that she said she never wants to hurt me, so I'm worried she would lie or pull something like this because she thinks it'd spare my feelings (literally the opposite, I prefer things straight up).

I'd say I do feel more satisfaction when we're together than... whatever this is. I do really like her after all.

I really don't want to drop her, but man it's hard right now. Honestly I'm on the fence. I know I am attractive enough to have a fair amount of options, but I'm worried I won't find someone ever like her again. 

I will miss her if I leave.

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, facelesswanderer said:

Yeah, I know she's not a good dating prospect. Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness. She's just different, introverted and kinda shy like me but I don't fully know how to explain it through words here. I'm fairly certain she's attracted to me as well, at least physically. I know I'm not a bad looking dude. Guess it all lies in the emotionally maturity here.

I almost want to risk my heart on her just because I enjoy her presence so much. We started out as friends, by the way, so I had a lot of time to develop emotionally with her. I'm not sure why she apologises all the time, and yeah it does concern me and I always tell her not to apologise for nothing because secretly it makes me feel bad.

She does make it clear she's into me. We've had several intimate discussions about how we feel about each other. One thing that concerns me is that she said she never wants to hurt me, so I'm worried she would lie or pull something like this because she thinks it'd spare my feelings (literally the opposite, I prefer things straight up).

I'd say I do feel more satisfaction when we're together than... whatever this is. I do really like her after all.

I really don't want to drop her, but man it's hard right now. Honestly I'm on the fence. I know I am attractive enough to have a fair amount of options, but I'm worried I won't find someone ever like her again. 

I will miss her if I leave.

This^ is precisely what's turning her off, you're too intense!

You've got her on too high of a pedestal before earning it, in fact she's done the opposite - she's been pushing you away. 

I'm sure she loves your attention and validation but in my opinion and experience IF she were as into you as you (or your ego) seem to believe, she would not be discouraging you from kissing her, telling you she's "not ready" or whatever other BS excuse.

Doesn't matter what she "says" judge by her "actions" without protecting your own feelings on to her. 

I echo what some others advised, do NOT contact her.  Go complete no contact. 

Give her a chance to think about you and miss you!  IF something is there for her, she knows where to find you. 

You may have a chance with her but only if you dial it back big time! Again, you're too intense, she feels it and it's turning her off, could almost guarantee it.

This is why after you spent time together, immediately afterwards she changed and told you she "wasn't ready."

Translation: She was turned off. 

Yeah I get you're hot but for a woman, being "attracted to" a man entails much more than physical appearance.

Don't ever be her or any woman's "white knight," it's one of the biggest turn offs there is.  Which from my read is what you're behaving like. 

Google it if you're not familiar with what it is.

Sorry man, good luck. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

She is a huge overthinker, and actually asked me if "I only still liked her because I didn't know that I liked you back," which I obviously denied and was confused what events occurred for her to believe that in the first place, but I figured I should try and act more lovey dovey with her..

^To add to my previous, sorry man but you figured wrong.  And thus your behaving even more "lovey dovey" was the absolute worst thing you could have done. 

She made that comment because she's most likely baffled as to why an attractive man like you would continue to chase her so intensely when she's been doing nothing but pushing you away. 

In her mind, it sounds desperate, like you have no other options and/or you're the type of guy who enjoys the challenge of chasing and  capturing an unavailable woman.

Both are turn offs for most women. 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, facelesswanderer said:

Yeah, I know she's not a good dating prospect. Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness.

She is hot, isnt she?

Bro, she isnt worth it. You are not her therapist so you could "fix her". You are her boyfriend. You are not required to wait for her to "trust you enough" so she could kiss you. That is her problem, not yours. If she has a problems with intimacy, she should go to therapy to fix it. And not require her boyfriend to jump through imaginary hoops just so he could get a kiss. You are very young and yes, you say you have other prospects. Stop humoring her and find somebody else who would not make you jump through imaginary hoops and require you to walk barefoot through glass so she would not be mad at you and you would get a kiss. Again, really not worth your time.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

So there's this girl who I dated at the start of this year which ended because she was still struggling mentally with issues from her ex boyfriend who she had only recently broken up with (apparently he was a ***). I believe her on this.

^^It sounds like she's still hung up on her ex.  He may be an *** but that doesn't mean she's not still hung up on him.

It would certainly appear that way anyway, imo. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

Yeah, I know she's not a good dating prospect. Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness. She's just different, introverted and kinda shy like me but I don't fully know how to explain it through words here. I'm fairly certain she's attracted to me as well, at least physically. I know I'm not a bad looking dude. Guess it all lies in the emotionally maturity here.

I almost want to risk my heart on her just because I enjoy her presence so much.

It's always a risk benefit analysis.  It's a free country.  If you want to risk being emotionally hurt because the benefits are worth it to you of course go for it -then you wouldn't need opinions.  It's not about your looks or whether she is attracted to you.  I've been attracted to men and not wanted to date them.  And vice versa.

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

texts have slowed down, and I know she has university exams and is working, but I just can't really catch a proper conversation with her that doesn't span over multiple hours throughout the day.

This doesn't have to be a sign you scared her away. This doesn't have to be anything you did or anything being wrong with her. Why can't the simplest solution be correct, that she is busy and this is life getting in the way?

Why not flip the script and view this in a positive way? Even when she busy, she is still finding the time to message you. You are having conversations with her, ones that take place over the course of the whole day rather then being crammed into a few minutes. That is better then nothing and shows you are still on her mind.

2 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

Yeah, I know she's not a good dating prospect. Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness. She's just different, introverted and kinda shy like me but I don't fully know how to explain it through words here. I'm fairly certain she's attracted to me as well, at least physically. I know I'm not a bad looking dude. Guess it all lies in the emotionally maturity here.

I almost want to risk my heart on her just because I enjoy her presence so much. We started out as friends, by the way, so I had a lot of time to develop emotionally with her. I'm not sure why she apologises all the time, and yeah it does concern me and I always tell her not to apologise for nothing because secretly it makes me feel bad.

She is a good dating prospect. You know why? Because you like her. Because you get along well and enjoy being together. That's all that matters. If you like her, then pursue it.

We all carry baggage with us. We all have been hurt. If that was a reason to forget about someone, no one would ever get together. 

You will be told how you are young and should be meeting lots of people. But meeting other people doesn't mean any of them will be right either. And if you still have feelings for this person, you won't be able to enjoy meeting them anyway.

When I was about your age I met someone who had emotional baggage as well. She had been hurt by guys as well. We started as friends and she wanted to take things slow. One of those guys even came back into the picture while we were testing the waters. I gave her space and respected her. I let her choose what was right for her, letting her go at her own pace while not giving up on us. And it lead to the guy being left behind and her pursuing things with me.

12 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

After I got home she sent me a text saying "I'm so sorry," and "I was thinking about it to before you asked but I just don't think I'm ready yet and I need a bit more time to see how things are going." She has a habit of apologising a lot actually, even when she has no reason to. Anyway of course I said that I don't want her to feel bad about not being ready, and I'm perfectly fine to move at her pace and that I'm sorry if I made her feel awkward. She replied that she just felt bad about saying no.

You didn't move to fast. You felt something in the moment and wanted to go with it. But you were respectful and checked with her first. That's not rushing things. You didn't pressure her. You didn't do it without permission. You did the right thing.

Look at what she said. She was thinking about kissing you. She is interested. She was comfortable enough to spend all that time with you. She wants to kiss you. You are doing well. So why give up on this now?

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep talking to her, being her friend, and spending time with her. Don't stress. When she is free, she will want to get together. See if you can set something up.

Then just enjoy being with her. Don't try to analyze this, just go with it. You'll have way more fun and things will work out the way they are suppose to.

And I'll bet that kiss will come sooner then you would think.😉

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

She said she felt the same and would be open to trying again with me, as long as we take it slow and get to know each other again.

We text every day... I would catch her staring at me a lot at work.

I hung out with her a couple times at work... she came to see me while I was working by myself and I did the same back... she suggested we go for a walk on the beach but we just spent 5 hours sitting inside her car yapping and it was very cute imo.

"I was thinking about it to before you asked but I just don't think I'm ready yet and I need a bit more time to see how things are going."

She is doing anything but pushing you away. She is intiating a lot of this. You just need to give it time and see what happens. 

A broken heart needs time to heal before it can fly. Let her heal while still being there for her. Being there can show her the kind of guy you are and help her reach a point where she is ready for more. And from experience, that can be very rewarding.

3 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

Unfortunately I am very attracted to her especially her weirdness. She's just different, introverted and kinda shy like me but I don't fully know how to explain it through words here.

I hear you on all of that. Just my opinion, but the weirdness can be very attractive. She sounds like a special person. I hope you keep giving it a try and that things can work out for the two of you.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

This doesn't have to be a sign you scared her away. This doesn't have to be anything you did or anything being wrong with her. Why can't the simplest solution be correct, that she is busy and this is life getting in the way?

Why not flip the script and view this in a positive way? Even when she busy, she is still finding the time to message you. You are having conversations with her, ones that take place over the course of the whole day rather then being crammed into a few minutes. That is better then nothing and shows you are still on her mind.

She is a good dating prospect. You know why? Because you like her. Because you get along well and enjoy being together. That's all that matters. If you like her, then pursue it.

We all carry baggage with us. We all have been hurt. If that was a reason to forget about someone, no one would ever get together. 

You will be told how you are young and should be meeting lots of people. But meeting other people doesn't mean any of them will be right either. And if you still have feelings for this person, you won't be able to enjoy meeting them anyway.

When I was about your age I met someone who had emotional baggage as well. She had been hurt by guys as well. We started as friends and she wanted to take things slow. One of those guys even came back into the picture while we were testing the waters. I gave her space and respected her. I let her choose what was right for her, letting her go at her own pace while not giving up on us. And it lead to the guy being left behind and her pursuing things with me.

You didn't move to fast. You felt something in the moment and wanted to go with it. But you were respectful and checked with her first. That's not rushing things. You didn't pressure her. You didn't do it without permission. You did the right thing.

Look at what she said. She was thinking about kissing you. She is interested. She was comfortable enough to spend all that time with you. She wants to kiss you. You are doing well. So why give up on this now?

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep talking to her, being her friend, and spending time with her. Don't stress. When she is free, she will want to get together. See if you can set something up.

Then just enjoy being with her. Don't try to analyze this, just go with it. You'll have way more fun and things will work out the way they are suppose to.

And I'll bet that kiss will come sooner then you would think.😉

^^As a woman who has experienced this behavior from men, I disagree with @ShySoul analysis and advice.

However I agree with Batya, go for it, if the potential benefit is worth the frustration, keep doing what you're doing and let chips fall where they may. 

If you get hurt, so be, you learn for next time. 

Good luck and keep us posted!  

 

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^As a woman who has experienced this behavior from men, I disagree with @ShySoul analysis and advice.

Respectfully, which part do you disagree with and what behavior?

I'm saying that if you have feelings for someone, your heart is going to be into them so it's pointless to try and focus on other people. You're heart won't be into it because it lies with someone else.

You continue to be their friend and spend time with the person. You don't rush it or force anything. You go at their pace. You treat them with kindness and respect. You are honest in that you have feelings, but make clear you don't want to do anything they are not comfortable with. If she is asking to spend time with you (as was the case here), you spend time with her. 

Having a hard time seeing where any of that is bad.

It's not putting her on a pedestal. It's not rushing or going to fast. It's being honest about your feelings while still allowing her to make the final decision on what she wants. And from what he said... no, from what she said, she wants to give it a try. 

It's possible she has pulled away. It's also possible she needed space to handle other things and will be right back to showing interest and spending more time with him. I just doubt if she was that interested before, that it would suddenly evaporate so quickly.

@facelesswanderer Follow you heart. It's all any of us can really do. I think you've been a good friend and handled everything well so far. The potential benefits outweigh the risks, because love is always worth the risk. If your heart is set on someone, see it through to the end.

 

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^As a woman who has experienced this behavior from men, I disagree with @ShySoul analysis and advice.

Same here, on both counts. 

3 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

I almost want to risk my heart on her

You can risk until you're blue in the face, man, but it doesn't necessarily mean she is ever going to reciprocate. In my view, it's not so much about taking a risk as it is about barking up the wrong tree and wasting your time. 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

'm saying that if you have feelings for someone, your heart is going to be into them so it's pointless to try and focus on other people. You're heart won't be into it because it lies with someone else.

Not in my experience at all.  If I had a crush/was into someone who didn't reciprocate I physically moved on.  I created space.  I didn't try to be a friend since I wanted to find a husband and because as I've written hearing about someone I was that into talking about other women would not work for me emotionally or otherwise. Once I created space and since I knew my worth, the feelings might exist on the periphery -a twinge here and there -"moments" but for sure I could shift focus in every way to meeting new people and potentially a good match.  Someone who did not reciprocate was by definition a bad match romantically nor a good match as a friend -at least until my feelings faded -then for sure I could be friends and we were friends in several cases.  

I don't see my heart as lying with someone else in that case.  I might experience feelings and emotions and I choose how to react. I chose to physically distance, to cut contact if not entirely then as much as possible (like if we were coworkers).  

If my husband and I had stayed friends after we broke up the first time we would be at most casual acquaintances now.  We'd never have gotten back together because one of us would have been too hurt by the other being in relatiionships.  We exchanged one or two emails a year mostly impersonal.  Then in year 5 when his grandfather died he informed me, I made a donation and he thanked me and his mother a year later wrote me a heartfelt letter. In year 6 when one of my best friends died and she'd dated his friend briefly I told him and we emailed more than usual as he felt so badly about her tragic passing.  

Had we attempted a friendship -and he was my best friend that first time around we were engaged- that would have blown to bits any chance of reconciling.  I'm so glad I didn't have that view of someone's heart "belonging" to someone else etc. when it came to him or with -anyone actually.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Respectfully, which part do you disagree with and what behavior?

Basically all of it Shy. 😞

Your advice to follow your heart and be her "friend," in HER eyes, is not only disingenuous as your true agenda is a romantic relationship, NOT a friendship, and SHE knows that, it's not going to inspire or build attraction in the majority of cases. 

I know it did for you which begs the question, why is it at 40+ years of age you're alone now? Still looking for love?  

Anyway, it leaves her no room to wonder about you and possibly miss you, both of which build attraction.

It's what popularly known as "white knight" behavior which is never advised to win over a woman. 

Below is a link describing what it is OP if you're not familiar.

https://android.logos.com/product/351233/the-white-knight-syndrome-rescuing-yourself-from-your-need-to-rescue-others

I know you will disagree Shy which is fine, we can agree to disagree and leave it up to the OP to decide what's best for him. 

[Batya33]

To Rainbow's point -I ended things the first time with my future husband -he ended up agreeing but hadn't wanted to end it. If he'd stuck around waiting in the wings we wouldn't be together now.  Not because he needed to play hard to get but it would have come across to me as Rainbow put it.  Also for us personaly -experiencing life apart all those years, building our careers and yes being involved with other people -it -benefited us when we reconnected - for different reasons and no not because we discussed our past relationships in detail -we didn't.  And I'm glad.  

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Your advice to follow your heart and be her "friend," in HER eyes, is not only disingenuous as your true agenda is a romantic relationship and SHE knows that, it's not going to build attraction in the majority of cases

4 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

She does make it clear she's into me. We've had several intimate discussions about how we feel about each other.

It's disingenous if you don't want to be her friend or are lying to her in the hope of getting more. That's using a freindship as an excuse for more which isn't a genuine friendship in the first place That's not what he is doing here. 

He isn't trying to build attraction. They have both openly admitted they have an attraction for each other.

He isn't trying to have an agenda. He isn't lying. They have both been open and honest about where they are at and there feelings. Everything is out in the open.  And she has said she like him but needs time. All I'm saying is give her that time. 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It leaves her no room to wonder about you and possibly miss you, both of which build attraction.

For some people leaving that room can become out of sight, out of mind. The women I've known have always appreciated someone being there for them and attraction has been built from being together. They've actually get more annoyed and are quick to forget the ones who aren't.

And since she has been asking to spend time with him, I think he should go with what she wants on this one, which is to be together. No need for trying to make someone miss you.

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know it did for you which begs the question, why is it you're alone now? 

Because relationships are a complex interplay of many different things and everything has to go just right for it to work permanently. Just because something happened later that derailed it, doesn't mean it was a bad thing to do at the time or isn't good advice to give.  

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's what popularly known as "white knight" behavior which is never advised to win over a woman. 

Of course you don't help a person to win them over. One, women aren't prizes to be won. Two, it's not even what he is doing. Three, it's not what I said. I said to be a friend and go at her pace while being honest about your feelings. I said treat her with respect and continue with the things that SHE HAS BEEN INITIATING.

Be a friend not to gain from it, but to simply be a friend. Spend time with someone because you want to spend time with them. Follow your heart because you believe in what your heart tells you. Be nice and caring to just be nice and caring. Be honest because a person should be honest.

@facelesswanderer You like one woman who had a bad experience with a guy and needs time to heal.  This doesn't mean you are trying to be a white knight. You like this person for who she is. She seems to like you as well. So enjoy it. Nothing you have said makes it sound like you are trying to rescue her. Nor am I advising you to. I am saying to do what you feel is right for you. I'm saying to not stress yourself out and worry about things outside of your control. You seem like a good person who cares for her. Keep being that good person.

[ShySoul]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I had a crush/was into someone who didn't reciprocate I physically moved on.  I created space. 

That was right for you. Good for you.

What counts is what is right for them. If they both want to be friends, why can't they be friends? Why stop contact when she has been asking to spend time with him and finding reasons to go visit him during work? She doesn't seem to want to create space. He doesn't seem to want to create space.  So where project the need to create space onto them?

13 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

It's been a weird few days since then.

It's only been a few days. Anything could have happened in those few days to account for her not being as available. To jump to a conclusion that she isn't into you or that you need to pull away is highly premature. Don't get ahead of yourself and start making assumptions that you have no facts to support it with.

14 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

I'm kind of concerned that she thinks I'm trying to rush her so she's trying to pull away. I know she's dealt with bad men in her life (I don’t mean like, ones she’s slept with and used her etc) particularly her ex boyfriend which was her first relationship.

If she has been hurt, she needs patience and understanding. Give it to her. Do it not to get anything from it, but because you genuinely care about her. That's what love is, wanting to help another person. That is the attitude that makes friendships work and the attitude that makes relationships work.

I think you innately know what you want and what you both need. You've been doing well so far. Stay the course that is right for you.

https://www.meetmindful.com/help-your-partner-heal/

https://www.regain.us/advice/general/how-to-help-someone-who-is-learning-to-trust-after-being-hurt-while-youre-dating/

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not "them" though. It's HIM.  It's not mutual, that's his issue.  

She's "not ready" and/or still hung up on her ex or simply not attracted enough. 

Are we reading the same posts Shy?  

I'm not understanding your interpretation, it has nothing to do with what the OP posted!

I'm sorry but it really seems like you've created your own narrative based on your own personal view and experience and projecting them on to OP's situation.

Just my read on it. 

Anyway, I think it's time to let the OP decide what's best for HIM. 

 

I read his viewpoint as it is them because to him the fact that she's either not that into him and/or hung up on his ex -can change because anything is possible and if the heart is involved -which the OP says his heart is -then that takes priority as far as she is willing to be friends therefore he should wait for her to be potentially ready since not waiting is not an option -to Shysoul it is not because once  the heart is involved it's pointless to try to seek out any other option other than this person so he should settle for friendship and wait it out, prioritizing their -mutual-friendship because of the focus of his heart.  I disagree with taking this approach but I think that's what he means by "them".  

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I read his viewpoint as it is them because to him the fact that she's either not that into him and/or hung up on his ex -can change because anything is possible and if the heart is involved -which the OP says his heart is -then that takes priority as far as she is willing to be friends therefore he should wait for her to be potentially ready since not waiting is not an option -to Shysoul it is not because once  the heart is involved it's pointless to try to seek out any other option other than this person so he should settle for friendship and wait it out, prioritizing their -mutual-friendship because of the focus of his heart.  I disagree with taking this approach but I think that's what he means by "them".  

Thanks Bat, it makes sense.

I deleted my last two posts including the one you quoted as I've said my peace and am now graciously exiting this thread and wish the OP good luck.