Fear I'm falling too fast for new friend

[ghostrabbit]

I am a bisexual man in my late 30s who has very little relationship experience. I have never been in a long-term relationship and I don't date very often it's just something that has always evaded me. But I very much want to be in a relationship. Recently I matched with a girl on a dating app And we started a conversation. About a week into the conversation I was looking at her profile again and noticed that it said coupled. I asked her about this and she told me that she currently had a boyfriend. However, in her words,  she was not mentally or emotionally invested in their relationship anymore and she wanted to break up. But at this current time they lived together and she didn't have the funds to move out into a new place so for the time being she had to stay there.  She also said that even if she did break up with her boyfriend relatively soon she would not be ready to rush into a new relationship so quickly nor was she comfortable with cheating.  I told her I understood and respected her decision and choice and was perfectly fine in taking our relationship slowly and getting to know each other. 

We have talked every day for the last 2 months. We have not had a chance to meet yet due to our conflicting work schedules and the fact that she lives about an hour away from me. We have a meeting day planned for later this month. 

From my perspective I feel we are very compatible we have a lot of things in common. She has remarked to me that she would definitely be interested in dating if I'm still available when she's ready. She has made several remarks to me such as "one day we should go on XYZ vacation together" or "I make this meal really well I'd love to cook for you sometime"  These are confusing statements for me to hear because I certainly wouldn't say anything to anyone such as eating a meal together or going on a vacation unless I was seriously thinking about having that person in my life for the future I would make more low-key non-committal statements such as it might be fun to travel together or  Let's go to a restaurant together sometime. 

Here's another dilemma I am having. Just weeks before I started talking to her I had decided that in 6-12 months I was going to move out of my current city.  And now I'm not sure I want to move. I tell myself I will wait until December, see if we are still talking, still friends and how the relationship is going and figure out what to do then, figure out if I need to broach the subject of a relationship or not. We have actually discussed that we are both interested in moving to the same place. 

I am just worried about getting my feelings hurt again because this is not the first time I have met, someone made friends with them, developed feelings for them and then been very gently let down, Only to end up losing a friend in the long run.  I want to respect her decision to take it slow I'm certainly not going to broach any subject about relationships while she is still With this other person. I guess I'm not even sure if I know what it would look like.

 I just don't want to make the wrong decision and lose out on what potentially could be a great relationship because I was impatient or try to make things happen too quickly.  Let's be honest there is no such thing as ready for a relationship there will always be something else going on in your life work-family friends mental health etc if we keep waiting for the perfect time we will never ever find it. 

 What's the best way to proceed? I hope this makes some kind of sense.

TL,DR:  Told my new friend we would take things slow but she's actually everything that I've been looking for and a partner and I'm worried that if I take it too slow something good will slip out of my fingers what do I do?

[TeeDee]

Oh good grief.  

First you need a vocabulary adjustment.  Somebody you connect with though a dating app is not a "friend."   A friend is a platonic social connection with zero romance or sex.  Stop using the word friend when you mean potential partner.  

Second the minute she said she had a BF, that was your cue to delete her & stop talking to her.  If she will go on an dating app / site behind her live in BF's back she will cheat on you too.  No thanks.  

Finally if you & a match can't get it together within a month to meet & figure out things in person, give up.  It wasn't meant to be.  Given her situation she probably has zero intent to actually meet you.  She's using you as an ego stroke to fill in whatever gaps there are with her actual BF.  She's is not a good prospect.  

The idea that you are still talking to & now developing feelings for someone who has so little morals & ethics breaks my heart for you.  You need to learn to screen better.  You haven't been able to find a healthy happy relationship because you settle for time wasters like this woman who is playing you.  

[Batya33]

She is a stranger on a dating site who is not available to date. I'd stop contact. Tell her to contact you when she has been apart from her partner completely for at least a couple of months and is ready to date generally. Then meet in public to see if in the future you should go on an actual date. If this is meant to be then let her reach out again when she is available to date.  Which she is not now. She's a stranger for all dating purposes and if her partner sees what she's doing he could try to come after you.  Be careful.

[smackie9]

Since you don't have much experience I recommend you stop being too invested in someone you have never met or even dated. By the sounds of it, she's just monkey branching. Using you to emotionally cheat on her BF because of the disconnect in her relationship with her BF. Anyone with integrity wouldn't be on a dating app, being some stranger's chat buddy behind their BFs back. Most who cheat, deny that they are cheaters, and to add they will say how bad their relationship is as to give them validation that it's ok to step out of the relationship. When they keep it a secret, then they shouldn't be doing it...and she shouldn't be doing it. 

You be best to get yourself out of this situation and go on real dates with people who are available. You are going to be massively hurt down the road with this. One day she's just going to disappear on you. 

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, ghostrabbit said:

I am just worried about getting my feelings hurt again

Then this woman is a very, very poor choice for you. 

21 hours ago, ghostrabbit said:

nor was she comfortable with cheating.

...says the woman in a relationship and on a dating app.

My dude. Please wake up and run. She is a trainwreck and the chances of this ending well for you are essemitally zero. 

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, ghostrabbit said:

Just weeks before I started talking to her I had decided that in 6-12 months I was going to move out of my current city.

Do this, and in the meantime, do not date nor chat with online strangers. Read, read, and read some more about the practice of wise dating. Read about spotting red flags about people and then cut them loose when they show red flags/dealbreakers. Work on your self-worth. Work to determine fantasy versus reality. Having done OLD in the past, reality begins when you meet in person. Never before.

Decent people don't engage in romantic talk when taken, no matter how crappy they claim the relationship is. 

Decent people don't engage in romantic talk with taken people. Behave with ethics, because 2 wrongs will never end right.

Date locally, and meet within 1 to 2 weeks from when communication started.

Don't make major decisions like living with a partner until well past the honeymoon stage and knowing them at least a year, to give time to see how a person will treat you in the long term, and to ensure there are no skeletons in the closet.

If a person wants to date at a slow pace or a fast pace, that's a red flag. Normal pace is the only way to go. Don't date people who spout warning messages about themselves and who carry around emotional baggage.

Good luck and I hope you find success in every area of your life in the new city.

[ShySoul]

On 10/3/2024 at 3:47 PM, ghostrabbit said:

I tell myself I will wait until December, see if we are still talking, still friends and how the relationship is going and figure out what to do then, figure out if I need to broach the subject of a relationship or not. We have actually discussed that we are both interested in moving to the same place. 

No decision has to be made right now. This is a good plan. Stick to it.

Keep talking to her and be her friend. Just because you met on a dating app, doesn't mean you can't be friends. You can get to know and be friends with anyone in any way. Be there for each other and really take the time to get to know each other. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere romantically, everyone can use a friend.

Talking online isn't a red flag. Talking online is as real and valid as meeting in person. Wanting to go slow or fast isn't a red flag. It's how a person feels and what they are comfortable with. Go as fast or as slow as the people involved wants to go. It's all about the two people that are there and what they want.

If anything is to come of this, she has to be ready for it. So let her sort out her side for herself. Keep talking to her if you want, because you should do what you want. If that makes you happy, then don't let anyone convince you to stop what makes you happy. 

Don't have any expectations of more, just take things as they come and enjoy what is there. In the meantime, focus on your own life. If you want to move for yourself, move. If you want to stay where you are for you, stay. You can't know her choice, so do what is right for you. Should she be ready for more in the future, let her reach that decision when it is right for her and see if you are still open to it.

[ghostrabbit]

On 10/3/2024 at 5:53 PM, TeeDee said:

Oh good grief.  

First you need a vocabulary adjustment.  Somebody you connect with though a dating app is not a "friend."   A friend is a platonic social connection with zero romance or sex.  Stop using the word friend when you mean potential partner.  

Second the minute she said she had a BF, that was your cue to delete her & stop talking to her.  If she will go on an dating app / site behind her live in BF's back she will cheat on you too.  No thanks.  

Finally if you & a match can't get it together within a month to meet & figure out things in person, give up.  It wasn't meant to be.  Given her situation she probably has zero intent to actually meet you.  She's using you as an ego stroke to fill in whatever gaps there are with her actual BF.  She's is not a good prospect.  

The idea that you are still talking to & now developing feelings for someone who has so little morals & ethics breaks my heart for you.  You need to learn to screen better.  You haven't been able to find a healthy happy relationship because you settle for time wasters like this woman who is playing you.  

She's not going behind her BF's back. She told me he is aware that she is meeting people. It's not strictly a dating app, it's for meeting friends/activity partners/etc as well. And no, I mean friend, though you could say potential friend would be more accurate. I don't settle for at all, I am incredibly picky. Much to my detriment. She is the first person I've matched with in months who has spoken to me for more than a few days. And life is very busy, I certainly don't want to drive an hour to see someone after working all day. I appreciate that you seem well-intended, but I'm not sure it worked. 

[ghostrabbit]

On 10/4/2024 at 2:20 PM, smackie9 said:

Since you don't have much experience I recommend you stop being too invested in someone you have never met or even dated. By the sounds of it, she's just monkey branching. Using you to emotionally cheat on her BF because of the disconnect in her relationship with her BF. Anyone with integrity wouldn't be on a dating app, being some stranger's chat buddy behind their BFs back. Most who cheat, deny that they are cheaters, and to add they will say how bad their relationship is as to give them validation that it's ok to step out of the relationship. When they keep it a secret, then they shouldn't be doing it...and she shouldn't be doing it. 

You be best to get yourself out of this situation and go on real dates with people who are available. You are going to be massively hurt down the road with this. One day she's just going to disappear on you. 

It's not a secret. Did I say it was a secret? Its not.  I must've worded my post poorly because you guys seem to be interpreting it incorrectly. Is this not how most people meet when you connect online?

[ghostrabbit]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

No decision has to be made right now. This is a good plan. Stick to it.

Keep talking to her and be her friend. Just because you met on a dating app, doesn't mean you can't be friends. You can get to know and be friends with anyone in any way. Be there for each other and really take the time to get to know each other. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere romantically, everyone can use a friend.

Talking online isn't a red flag. Talking online is as real and valid as meeting in person. Wanting to go slow or fast isn't a red flag. It's how a person feels and what they are comfortable with. Go as fast or as slow as the people involved wants to go. It's all about the two people that are there and what they want.

If anything is to come of this, she has to be ready for it. So let her sort out her side for herself. Keep talking to her if you want, because you should do what you want. If that makes you happy, then don't let anyone convince you to stop what makes you happy. 

Don't have any expectations of more, just take things as they come and enjoy what is there. In the meantime, focus on your own life. If you want to move for yourself, move. If you want to stay where you are for you, stay. You can't know her choice, so do what is right for you. Should she be ready for more in the future, let her reach that decision when it is right for her and see if you are still open to it.

Thank you! Finally some real advice ^__^ I mean...I think this is what I'm doing already but yeah I like things that make me happy. 

[ShySoul]

17 minutes ago, ghostrabbit said:

Thank you! Finally some real advice ^__^ I mean...I think this is what I'm doing already but yeah I like things that make me happy. 

To be fair, you did say dating app. I think that put certain ideas in people's heads. 

Relationships can be complicated things. Even if she isn't invested in the relationship, she may still care about his feelings. There are many things that come with breaking up with someone, especially if you are living together. They may not be ready to face that yet. She will need to deal with this eventually before anything else can happen. And she's been honest about it. She sounds honest all the way around.

Be careful. It's easy to let yourself get swept away by feelings. I'd hate to see you get hurt that way. But as long as you can maintain a respectful distance on those feelings, there is no harm in continuing as you are. I'm sure a lot of people would say otherwise, but I think you're doing okay. If you're good with it, then that's what counts. 

[stelalala]

Maybe I'm naive but I don't necessarily see her as a walking red flag. But I do believe that it is quite unlikely that you will end up dating and I am afraid that you might be wasting your time or missing out on real, available connections while speaking to her. It's definitely going to take her more than a couple months to get on her own feet and over her past relationship and it might really not be worth it when it does happen. If you can handle that, then proceed

[Batya33]

Until you speak with the boyfriend by phone or meet him in person all you have is this stranger's word that he knows and knows  the pertinent details.  

Watch the feet- what she does -not the lips -it's nice to say sweet things about cooking for you etc but the actions are she doesn't want to meet you with potential for dating and/or is unavailable to date.

Aslo she's told you -and her actions if true show this -that she prioritizes money over treating someone appropriately -she's freeloading off her partner because somehow she doesn't have the funds to get her own place or get a roommate elsewhere. Hmmm.  You're moving to a new city -you will need to save to do that/have a cushion -be prepared to be her sugar daddy if -and it's a remote possibility -you two end up living together- especially if she were to relocate "for you". 

Is she working/underemployed -is this a chronic problem of hers? Have you done a background check on this person you are so enamored of online?

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, ghostrabbit said:

It's not a secret. Did I say it was a secret? Its not.  I must've worded my post poorly because you guys seem to be interpreting it incorrectly. Is this not how most people meet when you connect online?

You are not keeping a secret, she is..and did her BF contact you and said what she is doing is ok? No. You are only getting a stranger's word. We don't buy her story. If we saw something incredibly positive in this we would support you wholly. Here on this site, you are talking to people who have decades of life experience and have been on these boards for years. We have held up those who have been hurt and heard their stories. We want to help, not blow sunshine and false hope up your butt to melt away your worries. What you decide is what you decide to do, after reviewing the advice. That's how it works on here. And honestly we do NOT hope we say "I told you so" in the end. I wish you all the best, and may you find happiness.

[ShySoul]

@ghostrabbit I have decades of experiences. I joined this board twenty years ago. I've seen plenty of stories and helped plenty of people who have been hurt, on here and in real life. And I believe the best way to help is encourage and stay positive, while still being logical and acknowledging the reality of the situation. Being critical of a person we have never met or spoken to, assuming things about them and their intentions, doesn't help. It is choosing to focus on a negative that may not even exist. You are the only one of us that really knows anything about her. So look at her as objectively as possible, and you decide what kind of person she is.

I do see something positive. I see two people who enjoy talking with each other. That's no guarantee of a relationship, but it is positive. I see her being honest with you. She never had to say she had a boyfriend. She could have never brought him up, meet with you in person, lead you on. She didn't. You could have tried to pursue a romance anyway, ignoring her saying she wasn't ready or comfortable. You didn't. That both of you are taking time to talk through things and be patient and understanding with each other, that is all positive.

Meet with her this month and have fun. Enjoy the friendship. The future will attend to itself.

[AuthenticSelf]

Just curious, when do you think she is going to break up with her boyfriend? 

 

[smackie9]

54 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

@ghostrabbit I have decades of experiences. I joined this board twenty years ago. I've seen plenty of stories and helped plenty of people who have been hurt, on here and in real life. And I believe the best way to help is encourage and stay positive, while still being logical and acknowledging the reality of the situation. Being critical of a person we have never met or spoken to, assuming things about them and their intentions, doesn't help. It is choosing to focus on a negative that may not even exist. You are the only one of us that really knows anything about her. So look at her as objectively as possible, and you decide what kind of person she is.

I do see something positive. I see two people who enjoy talking with each other. That's no guarantee of a relationship, but it is positive. I see her being honest with you. She never had to say she had a boyfriend. She could have never brought him up, meet with you in person, lead you on. She didn't. You could have tried to pursue a romance anyway, ignoring her saying she wasn't ready or comfortable. You didn't. That both of you are taking time to talk through things and be patient and understanding with each other, that is all positive.

Meet with her this month and have fun. Enjoy the friendship. The future will attend to itself.

We see someone monkey branching and giving a poor bloke false hope. Let the dice role, and see where it goes.

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

We see someone monkey branching and giving a poor bloke false hope. Let the dice role, and see where it goes.

Thanks for teaching me a new term. 

Odd that a person trying to give a person false hope would out right admit to having a boyfriend, say she doesn't want to cheat, can't have a relationship right now, and even if she broke up, would need a while to heal and be on her own before she could commit to anything. Seems to me that would scare most people away and make them want to give up in despair. Really poor way of giving someone hope.

[Batya33]

On 10/3/2024 at 6:47 PM, ghostrabbit said:

She has made several remarks to me such as "one day we should go on XYZ vacation together" or "I make this meal really well I'd love to cook for you sometime"  These are confusing statements for me to hear because I certainly wouldn't say anything to anyone such as eating a meal together or going on a vacation unless I was seriously thinking about having that person in my life for the future I would make more low-key non-committal statements such as it might be fun to travel together or  Let's go to a restaurant together sometime. 

These are examples of false hope - now if it were me I'd have moved on as soon as I knew the situation so those false hope statements wouldn't have come up but I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't um like his girlfriend saying those things and it's thoughtless of her to say that to him.