40M 36F ended relationship and not sure where I go now?

[Heartbroken4891]

This is going to be long.  Throwaway account.  My girlfriend just ended it with me 3 days ago from a 2-year relationship and I was ready to propose.  We’re both in out mid-late 30s.  I’m male, she’s female.  Here’s the context.

A mutual friend set us up.  And from the start, we were basically crazy about each other.  We both had incredibly long first relationships that did not end well.  Her’s more than mine.  Her actual fiancé of many years passed away.  Mine was a mutual end that should have ended a long time earlier, but for whatever reason we decided to continue.  Either way, both were done.

My, until recently, current girlfriend and I, who I am still absolutely in love with, work in an area and industry where many people know each other.  Right from the start, there was someone I worked with that began spreading rumors about her amongst my coworkers.  The person who set us up said not to believe any of it, and basically everyone else I asked said not to believe it and the guy was a scumbag.  I never brought it up.  When I would mention his name, my girlfriend would just say, “Oh tell him hi”.

I didn’t let this bother me.  Like I said, we both had long term relationships.  Mine, where I was faithful for 15 years even after sex stopped for around a decade.  Once we split, I started going on dating apps.  I joke that it was a “phase”, because it was.  But I really just wanted to start having sex again finally.  I didn’t like it.  The friends with benefits stuff.  I really wanted a person.  Knowing this though, I know she was with her fiancé for 12 years and I assume she may have gone through the phase I went through after he passed.  I know it happens.  So, I honestly didn’t care what happened before we were together.

Throughout our 2 years, I had a few women reach out to me whom I didn’t know saying things to watch who I was dating and to get out because she’s a liar and a cheater.  Dropping their men’s names.  When I say several, it was about 2 or 3.  Again, I didn’t believe it.  But there is still that part in the back of my brain that it would pop in from time to time, “Is she cheating on me?”  It started out as passing thoughts and really wasn’t interfering with my life too much.  But then around a year in a half into the relationship, I get a message out of the blue from the wife of the mutual friend who set us up saying, “Just wanted to let you know he was f___ing your girlfriend.” 

Now, this friend I always had my suspicions he was cheating on his wife, but then he got fired from his and my job for sexual harassment, after which, I heard he was also getting divorced for cheating.  I actually stopped talking to him entirely at this point, because his life was too much of a mess and I just didn’t want to be associated with him anymore.

Now, I dwelled on this for weeks.  I talked to friends and got their thoughts and again, they said,
“Do you trust her?”.   I did.  I wrapped my head around this so many ways, I honestly, don’t even know if she could logistically fit it in.  We were together constantly in those two years other than a few work trips I had for a week here and there.  But again I was faithful the whole time and I even flew her out to be with me on one.  I do know they were at the minimum texting in the beginning of our relationship.  But I assumed and for the most part, still do believe that it was the same thing I was doing.  Texting him about her.  What he knows about her and what not.  Again, I cannot stress how in love with this woman I am to this day.  I wanted to know everything about her.  But these thoughts of her cheating at this point, especially with the last one, just kept festering like a wound.

I should also mention, we both have some mental issues.  I have pretty bad anxiety I take meds for, and I actually started therapy for the 4^th time yesterday.  I began an online session yesterday and I have a face-to-face next week.  She has BPD and a few other issues, but she’s mostly fine and takes her prescriptions.  Until lately that is.  She’s been depressed.  She isn’t eating.  Her mother recently had a major medical procedure that she actually did pull out of, but it was a rough couple of months.  I’ve had some life stresses as well, but I thought we were handling it ok.  I should also mention, we were not having sex.  In the beginning, we were having sex constantly.  Then she even decided to try birth control.  This became an issue, because she had a very negative reaction to the birth control which caused her hormones to get out of whack and her period was fairly constant.  Her sex drive also decreased immensely.  Now looking back, I know I was getting very anxious, angry, and resentful for these things, with people reaching out to me.  We were fighting more and more. I was letting other things go in my life.  It all came to a head on vacation recently where I really was a P.O.S. to her and her friends, just acting miserable (which I was).  I admit, I acted like a douchebag.  That festering wound finally reach a boiling point.

A few days later, she ended it with me saying we were too different.  When I asked how, she couldn’t say.  I was a mess.  I was a mess in that I was upset that she broke up with me, but then I would switch to mad thinking, did she cheat on me and this all occurred because of her and these two years were a waste?

I went to my first therapy session and used some techniques to calm myself.  And I wrote my thoughts down and asked her to talk.  I didn’t want to bring up saving the relationship, so I didn’t.  We spoke, and I apologized for the way I was acting and told her I don’t want something like this to happen to me again in the future, because honestly, It was the greatest part of my life, and it truly was.  I let her know I was going back into therapy.  But then I asked the dreaded question and honestly, I was terrified.  If it was over, that was bad enough, but if she truly cheated on me for this amount of time, I don’t know how I would react.  I’m not a violent person, but I am hard on myself.  I am my own worst enemy with these types of situations.  I would definitely be a mess.

I brought up the times everyone contacted me.  I was calm.  If anything, I was shaking, because I was so scared.  She denied all of them.  She admitted to sleeping with the mutual friend, before we were together.  I’m believing her again.  But honestly, am I stupid for this?  I don’t even know what I’m looking for on here.  Maybe just to vent.  I can’t stress enough, I was in a 15-year relationship with someone, and dated a few others as well.  I can honestly say, I have never felt more in love with someone in my entire life.  Like I said, I know people do crazy stuff when they get out of long term relationships.  I too almost started a relationship with a married women who hated her husband.  I ultimately decided not to.  Again, don’t know what I’m looking for on here.  Someone to tell me good riddance, someone to tell me to maybe try and work at it, or maybe just so I could vent.  This morning, she said she wished I brought this up to her before, but I’ve never had this happen before.  I never had enemies that would reach out to contact my significant other and lie.  This was a completely new thing for me, and I honestly did not know how to handle it.  I did what I thought was best.  I got advice from numerous friends and I used their advice.  I even went on reddit a few times as a lurker and read similar situations and it seemed pretty unanimous.  If you trust her and these random people you don’t know are making these claims, don’t bring it up.  If someone really wanted to hurt me or her, they would have sent the proof.  Don’t cause a rift when there isn’t one.  I can say, I did have one girlfriend between my long term ex and her that accused me of cheating and I have to tell you, that ended that relationship almost immediately, from being accused of things I did not do. 

Thank you and sorry this was so long.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I am confused though -I thought she ended the relationship? And then you asked her about the cheating thing and she told you she didn't but she did have sex with him before you two were a couple, right? If you don't trust her don't date her. I find it really really odd that this many people would contact you.  And people who cheat do find a way.  Can't be with someone 24/7.  I hope you feel better. 

[shouldhavelearned]

That stinks

She sounds like she's hiding more from you.

Hope you keep getting the help you need.

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry, OP. 

I would wager there is some truth to all these random rumours you've heard about her. I could see one person maybe making up crap to stir the pot, but multiple? Unlikely. I think you don't know your (now ex-)girlfriend as well as you hoped. 

It is going to be best that this relationship ends. She made the right choice there, because she is very clearly not rhe right woman for you.