Unfriended ex on Facebook; he sent me a bday gift

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, woodsrose10 said:

Plus the gift card was for Starbucks and I never go there. 😆 

Maybe he had an extra one. That’s odd - he would have known that about you. 

[woodsrose10]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

I would send the card & the gift back with a note like this: 

I am returning the card & the gift you sent for my birthday.  I would prefer if you did not contact me for any reason going forward. 

Best wishes but goodbye, Woodsrose 10

Don't thank him. Don't encourage him.  

This is what I have decided to do. Thanks everyone! You’ve all been a great help, as always. 😊 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

Plus the gift card was for Starbucks and I never go there. 😆 

Even though you don't go to Starbucks (neither do I),  sending a postal thank you card is a gracious thing to do.  Remain firm about no more cards for any occasion and no more gifts for any occasion.  There is a way to be kind even with permanent estrangement in the future.  You can re-gift the Starbucks card or if you don't drink coffee,  perhaps you can save it and get tea,  iced tea,  water,  or another beverage and / or a snack someday if you're on an errand,  for example. 

There are people whom I'm no longer fond of and whenever they've sent me a card and gift card.  I've always sent a postal thank you card with requests of no more cards and no more gifts.  Usually,  the recipient will respect your wishes and won't bother you anymore.  Ignoring the recipient who spent money on you would be rude.  There is a way to be gracious yet very firm.  After that,  block and delete everywhere if you hadn't already and in the future,  ignore if he continues giving you gifts.  I wouldn't return gifts either.  Returned gifts happened to me and it's a passive aggressive act.  Re-gift your gift or silently use it whenever it strikes your fancy.  Having good manners and class never goes out of style. 

 

[woodsrose10]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I wouldn't return gifts either.  Returned gifts happened to me and it's a passive aggressive act.  Re-gift your gift or silently use it whenever it strikes your fancy.  Having good manners and class never goes out of style.

True, it was a gift and obviously a very kind gesture. And I do occasionally enjoy a drink from Starbucks, I'm just more of a Dunkin girl. 🍩

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

True, it was a gift and obviously a very kind gesture. And I do occasionally enjoy a drink from Starbucks, I'm just more of a Dunkin girl. 🍩

I like both but Dunkin was my first non-babysitting job in the early 80s!  And tomorrow I will open a new bag of ground coffee- Dunkin Midnight of course. Enjoy!

[Kwothe28]

I think its a nice gesture. But, keep in mind every time ex does something like that, they are probably trying to squirm back into your life. So yes, I would also suggest actually thanking him but adding that it wont happen ever again. 

[woodsrose10]

Here’s what I wrote in the card:

Greetings Mike,

Thank you for the birthday gift. You didn’t have to do that since we are not in a relationship. For this reason I am sending it back to you. Please don’t contact me or send me anything more. But don’t worry, I’m sure another lovely lady will appreciate your generosity. 
 

Best wishes but goodbye,

Deirdre

 

I haven’t mailed it yet, I want to hear everyone’s feedback. Thanks!

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Here’s what I wrote in the card:

Greetings Mike,

Thank you for the birthday gift. You didn’t have to do that since we are not in a relationship. For this reason I am sending it back to you. Please don’t contact me or send me anything more. But don’t worry, I’m sure another lovely lady will appreciate your generosity. 
 

Best wishes but goodbye,

Deirdre

 

I haven’t mailed it yet, I want to hear everyone’s feedback. Thanks!

Perfect! I'd leave the last line off though about the lady.

[woodsrose10]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Perfect! I'd leave the last line off though about the lady.

Why’s that? I sealed the envelope but I didn’t post mark it.

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Here’s what I wrote in the card:

Greetings Mike,

Thank you for the birthday gift. You didn’t have to do that since we are not in a relationship. For this reason I am sending it back to you. Please don’t contact me or send me anything more. But don’t worry, I’m sure another lovely lady will appreciate your generosity. 
 

Best wishes but goodbye,

Deirdre

 

I haven’t mailed it yet, I want to hear everyone’s feedback. Thanks!

I think that's fine. Returning the gift is a completely reasonable and appropriate response. As you mentioned, you are not currently in a relationship, so there is no obligation or expectation for you to accept the gift. Furthermore, by returning the gift, you are setting boundaries and clearly communicating that you are not interested in maintaining any sort of connection or receiving any further gestures from your ex.

[woodsrose10]

Also I’m going to use a new card; I wrote it on my work break so my handwriting isn’t the best, lol. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Why’s that? I sealed the envelope but I didn’t post mark it.

Oh I thought you wanted input.  I think it's unnecessary and presumptuous -he can use that for many purposes -it's not a gift specifically for a lady or romantic partner.

[woodsrose10]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Oh I thought you wanted input.  I think it's unnecessary and presumptuous -he can use that for many purposes -it's not a gift specifically for a lady or romantic partner.

Ok good I’m glad I didn’t mail it lol. Ok I’m going to re-write it without the lady part. 👍🏻 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Ok good I’m glad I didn’t mail it lol. Ok I’m going to re-write it without the lady part. 👍🏻 

Why the over-thinking? You want no further contact with him right? 

11 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Also I’m going to use a new card; I wrote it on my work break so my handwriting isn’t the best, lol. 

[woodsrose10]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Why the over-thinking? You want no further contact with him right? 

Right but I want to make sure what I say is appropriate.

[woodsrose10]

lol I just got a Facebook message from Mike:

 

Hi Deirdre I went to wish you a happy belated birthday and noticed we’re not friends anymore. Sorry I hardly ever use Facebook anymore. I know unfriended means no contact so I’m so sorry but I sent you a card this week! Please discard it when it arrives. You won’t hear from me again, I wish you all the best!

[Cherylyn]

46 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

Here’s what I wrote in the card:

Greetings Mike,

Thank you for the birthday gift. You didn’t have to do that since we are not in a relationship. For this reason I am sending it back to you. Please don’t contact me or send me anything more. But don’t worry, I’m sure another lovely lady will appreciate your generosity. 
 

Best wishes but goodbye,

Deirdre

 

I haven’t mailed it yet, I want to hear everyone’s feedback. Thanks!

Since you have a new card,  I'd write this: 

"Hello Mike,

Thank you for the card and gift.  In the future,  I'm requesting no more cards and gifts.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you for honoring and respecting my wishes.  I wish you all the best.

Final Good bye,

Diedre"

Keep the gift card and use it for yourself whenever it's convenient or re-gift it. 

Block and delete him everywhere including social media if you hadn't already.  If he sends you more cards and gift cards,  don't open it.  On the envelope,  write:  "Return to Sender"  Drop it off at your local post office. 

[woodsrose10]

Should I still mail back the gift with a card simply saying “I wish you the best also; however please take this back, I’d rather not accept it.”

[Batya33]

Just now, woodsrose10 said:

Should I still mail back the gift with a card simply saying “I wish you the best also; however please take this back, I’d rather not accept it.”

Yes, I would.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

Hi Deirdre I went to wish you a happy belated birthday and noticed we’re not friends anymore. Sorry I hardly ever use Facebook anymore. I know unfriended means no contact so I’m so sorry but I sent you a card this week! Please discard it when it arrives. You won’t hear from me again, I wish you all the best!

I wouldn't send it back. He has said you won't hear from him again, and you said he'd been a nice guy. I'd reply on FB messenger, "Yes, I don't believe in staying in touch with exes. I will pass along your gift card to someone who likes Starbucks. Wishing you the best as well for a fulfilling life."

[shouldhavelearned]

I would just donate it if it made you feel better and stay no contact 

[rainbowsandroses]

@woodsrose10, if this were me and after receiving his message, I would thank him for the gift, tell him it was a lovely gesture, and wish him well.

No need to knock him down further by returning it and/or telling him you'll give it to someone who can use it? 

There is no need to do that, it's insensitive imo.  He made the effort, so why not graciously accept it? And wish him well?

He already knows it's over so it's done.. I'm sure he feels bad enough as it is without you returning it or telling him you'll give it to someone else. 

You said yourself he was a good boyfriend, a nice guy, it just didn't work. 

I do think he sent it as a way to gauge your feelings and by unfriending him, you made that loud and clear.  It's over. 

I was taught to always be kind and gracious when receiving a gift, even from an ex.  Unless he was an a**hole, which HE wasn't and isn't.  It ended on good terms.

Graciously thank them and wish them well.  DONE.  I mean it's a Starbucks card, not some expensive elaborate gift. 

If they don't "get it" and begin harassing you, block him!

Doesn't sound like that's gonna happen here though, he knows it's done and said he won't contact you again.

The End.

EDIT:  If you hate Starbucks and want to give to someone else that's fine, there's just no need to tell him that, that's all.

Like I said I'm sure he feels bad enough after noticing you unfriended him, no need to add to that. 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't send it back. He has said you won't hear from him again, and you said he'd been a nice guy. I'd reply on FB messenger, "Yes, I don't believe in staying in touch with exes. I will pass along your gift card to someone who likes Starbucks. Wishing you the best as well for a fulfilling life."

I agree given his message it’s ok to keep it. If you plan to donate it or give to someone who needs it you can tell him that.   No need to tell him you don’t like Starbucks. 

[Coily]

I think it's a good notion to let him know you think he'll find someone. Why? Because sometimes a man will spiral, and send him down weird mental paths. But if a relationship ends through just incompatibility, why thump him even more? No it's not upon you to help him, but it's nice to hear sometimes. Also it let him know kindly that the door is shut hard.

As far as the card, give it to a friend, or donate it. He never need know what happened to them.

 

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

lol I just got a Facebook message from Mike:

 

Hi Deirdre I went to wish you a happy belated birthday and noticed we’re not friends anymore. Sorry I hardly ever use Facebook anymore. I know unfriended means no contact so I’m so sorry but I sent you a card this week! Please discard it when it arrives. You won’t hear from me again, I wish you all the best!

Well, he saved you the work of having to do anything so I would just leave it alone at this point. If an ex that I wanted nothing to do with did what your ex did after I unfriended him I'd honestly be a bit annoyed.