Does it sound like he’s not interested?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He also told me he hasn’t been on a date in a very very long time. My friend told me to take that at face value and trust him . If he was a player, I’m sure he would have been on more dates than that.

 

he did say that he went on a date last year and she said she was a vegan so he walked out 

He may have gone on no dates at all.  He might have met people he hooked up with. He might have hung out in groups, he might have hung out with friends and hooked up with them, he might have hooked up with no one in a very long time.  Who knows and why does it matter?

Also why would you ever want to be around a person who would walk out on a date because the person was vegan.  So rude and bizarre -including that he told you. People tell you who they are early on.  This is who he is - a person who walks out on someone  because they are vegan and shares about it with a woman he is thinking of taking out for a nice dinner? What if next week you decided to go vegan?

 

[LovelyRoses]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not a love interest. I understand how it felt from your perspective. This is part of his job -to click with the members especially since he also is a personal trainer on the side. You are not invisible to him -he enjoyed talking and flirting and then you had one date.  Very typical - many people meet and go on a date.  Obviously given his work you have to be visible to him -his job is to help his clients with their physical fitness.

Yes part of meeting people is luck and timing.  You can increase the chances by doing one of the many suggestions you've been given.  I wish you'd consider those as people here took their time to help and you're so bent on your pity party. 

 

There is no second date.  A second date requires time and place or at least "next Friday night -I'll call you soon to pick a place!" It's sweet what he said. Watch the feet- whether he follows up -not the lips.  

No but I wasn’t his client. Yes he has to click with the members but he wasn’t seeking me to be his client. I asked him if it was a date and he said it was. What if he does text me this week to plan a date? 

[Batya33]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

No but I wasn’t his client. Yes he has to click with the members but he wasn’t seeking me to be his client. I asked him if it was a date and he said it was. What if he does text me this week to plan a date? 

You are a member of the gym where he works. Basic stuff. If he wants to plan a date I wrote above what to do -as long as you are ok with his being comfortable telling you he walked out on a date because of her food preferences.  So watch your back -don't like sneeze the wrong way so he walks out on you too. 

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You are a member of the gym where he works. Basic stuff. If he wants to plan a date I wrote above what to do -as long as you are ok with his being comfortable telling you he walked out on a date because of her food preferences.  So watch your back -don't like sneeze the wrong way so he walks out on you too. 

I think he meant it in a jokey way though. He is quite a sweet guy. 
 

He also said on the date ‘oh I’ve taken so many pics of myself lol, I look like a narcissist.’ When he was showing me pics of his dog. And then he said ‘but I’m the least narcissistic person, I’m a sweetie really.’

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I think he meant it in a jokey way though. He is quite a sweet guy. 
 

He also said on the date ‘oh I’ve taken so many pics of myself lol, I look like a narcissist.’ When he was showing me pics of his dog. And then he said ‘but I’m the least narcissistic person, I’m a sweetie really.’

You don't know him at all as far as how he is in a dating situation.  You've only had one date and you met him in his place of employment and you are not his coworker either. Most people who are sweeties don't need to point that out. Cause it's obvious.  That's nice he showed you a picture of his dog.  

I think you want to go with "woe is me I'm so hot and confident and smart and creative but I'm just unlucky in love woe is me" -that's easier.  No one is required to date no one is required to be in a romantic relationship or to have a romantic commitment or to get married etc.  Since you've continued to ignore even my suggestion to look at all the past suggestions I assume you'd prefer the passive pity party route. Maybe your luck will change -obviously some people simply have good luck and meet someone when they least expect it, fall in love, yada yada.  Life isn't so fair that way.  It's true! I experienced life's unfairness and I still do at times.  Your choice.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’m really worried that means something is very wrong with me and that I’m not loveable.

This really is something you need to work out on your own, or with a therapist. It cannot be fixed by someone seemingly nice pursuing you "organically" - unfortunately organic doesn't mean better in this case, it is not a grocery store.

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

he never loved me and dated me because I was hot

What a jerk. Please don't let his opinion define you as a person. What I see from your threads is that you need a better bs detector to weed out seedy men. You'd have much better experience if you don't spend time interacting with those guys.

 

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

i know I came across so well on the date, feminine, confident and relaxed

Like I said in your previous thread you've presented yourself as having low standards to him, by letting him put you on the backburner for weeks/months and touch you inappropriately in a professional setting. He already knows that you are either super into him or have low self esteem, so he has no qualms about putting you on backburner again until it's convenient for him to reach out and arrange that "dinner date."

[LovelyRoses]

8 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

This really is something you need to work out on your own, or with a therapist. It cannot be fixed by someone seemingly nice pursuing you "organically" - unfortunately organic doesn't mean better in this case, it is not a grocery store.

What a jerk. Please don't let his opinion define you as a person. What I see from your threads is that you need a better bs detector to weed out seedy men. You'd have much better experience if you don't spend time interacting with those guys.

 

Like I said in your previous thread you've presented yourself as having low standards to him, by letting him put you on the backburner for weeks/months and touch you inappropriately in a professional setting. He already knows that you are either super into him or have low self esteem, so he has no qualms about putting you on backburner again until it's convenient for him to reach out and arrange that "dinner date."

I don’t come across as having low self esteem though, he told me I seem hella confident, fiery and foxy in his words. He didn’t touch me inappropriately in a professional setting. He was respectful.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not sure why you are looking to be "pursued" by someone.  Typically the best relationships have little pursuit. They involve two people who click on some level (whether on a first meet, a blind date, at the laundromat or at a dance class or at work as happened for me) then together decide to get to know each other better often by dating each other.

Agreed. I've been "pursued" by guys I have zero interest in, in some cases for years. It's creepy. You don't want to hear from someone you've never been on a single date with say that they love you more than anything. Those "persistent pursuers" are delusional and often mentally unwell.

This guy is not pursuing you, OP, just because he flirts with you at work and asked you out for a date. He's simply indicating some interest (likely sexually driven) but if he's more serious with you he wouldn't have made you wait that long for the first date.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

you seem desperate to hang on to comments your friends make about men who likely are not a good match for you for a potential serious relationship.

Those friends might be part of the reason OP has doubts with her lovability and never met a good bf. Do your friends have good relationships themselves, OP? Do they often make negative comments about you or your choice in men or put you down in some way?

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I usually feel invisible to men

Do you feel invisible if they don't hit on you or pursue you right away, or they actually ignore you and talk over you, etc.? You said you have good looks so maybe you are used to being stared at, whistled at, complimented, etc. but it's actually quite natural and normal if most of the guys you encounter in day-to-day life don't actively "pursue" you even if you are attractive because like you said, a lot of them are taken, and most guys are decent enough to not express sexual interest in someone they've just met or touch them in an intimate way. If that hurts your self image you'd be vulnerable to "players" who do make those aggressive moves.

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

If he was a player, I’m sure he would have been on more dates than that.

If he's a player he could also easily lie about that or in his mind a "date" is something cute and romantic like taking a woman to a nice restaurant that he doesn't do very often, he just invites them to his place for netflix and chill!

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

Agreed. I've been "pursued" by guys I have zero interest in, in some cases for years. It's creepy. You don't want to hear from someone you've never been on a single date with say that they love you more than anything. Those "persistent pursuers" are delusional and often mentally unwell.

This guy is not pursuing you, OP, just because he flirts with you at work and asked you out for a date. He's simply indicating some interest (likely sexually driven) but if he's more serious with you he wouldn't have made you wait that long for the first date.

Those friends might be part of the reason OP has doubts with her lovability and never met a good bf. Do your friends have good relationships themselves, OP? Do they often make negative comments about you or your choice in men or put you down in some way?

Do you feel invisible if they don't hit on you or pursue you right away, or they actually ignore you and talk over you, etc.? You said you have good looks so maybe you are used to being stared at, whistled at, complimented, etc. but it's actually quite natural and normal if most of the guys you encounter in day-to-day life don't actively "pursue" you even if you are attractive because like you said, a lot of them are taken, and most guys are decent enough to not express sexual interest in someone they've just met or touch them in an intimate way. If that hurts your self image you'd be vulnerable to "players" who do make those aggressive moves.

If he's a player he could also easily lie about that or in his mind a "date" is something cute and romantic like taking a woman to a nice restaurant that he doesn't do very often, he just invites them to his place for netflix and chill!

I only had to wait for the first date because he went on holiday (back to his home country for a few week.) what if this situation is all perfectly fine and I’m just going like this because I have anxiety and overthinking 

 

met up with my best friend last night and she said I’m self sabotaging, making up scenarios and hugely overthinking and I should just relax. And I should be excited and not nervous like I am.like even with my ex, after the first date I was texting him that I didn’t want to see him again and she told me not too, then I end up dating and loving him. I think maybe I just have bad anxiety and make up excuses to avoid dating or something 

[LovelyRoses]

9 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Agreed. I've been "pursued" by guys I have zero interest in, in some cases for years. It's creepy. You don't want to hear from someone you've never been on a single date with say that they love you more than anything. Those "persistent pursuers" are delusional and often mentally unwell.

This guy is not pursuing you, OP, just because he flirts with you at work and asked you out for a date. He's simply indicating some interest (likely sexually driven) but if he's more serious with you he wouldn't have made you wait that long for the first date.

Those friends might be part of the reason OP has doubts with her lovability and never met a good bf. Do your friends have good relationships themselves, OP? Do they often make negative comments about you or your choice in men or put you down in some way?

Do you feel invisible if they don't hit on you or pursue you right away, or they actually ignore you and talk over you, etc.? You said you have good looks so maybe you are used to being stared at, whistled at, complimented, etc. but it's actually quite natural and normal if most of the guys you encounter in day-to-day life don't actively "pursue" you even if you are attractive because like you said, a lot of them are taken, and most guys are decent enough to not express sexual interest in someone they've just met or touch them in an intimate way. If that hurts your self image you'd be vulnerable to "players" who do make those aggressive moves.

If he's a player he could also easily lie about that or in his mind a "date" is something cute and romantic like taking a woman to a nice restaurant that he doesn't do very often, he just invites them to his place for netflix and chill!

I also have a fitness class this evening and just realised that he’s the one running it. So I’m a little worried what it looks like if I go. Like will it be awkward? Does it look weird of me to go. If I cancel it, I’ll still be on the list and get a red mark against my name 

[SophiaG]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I also have a fitness class this evening and just realised that he’s the one running it. So I’m a little worried what it looks like if I go. Like will it be awkward? Does it look weird of me to go. If I cancel it, I’ll still be on the list and get a red mark against my name 

Why would it be awkward? I would go and just focus on the class, not him. Now you see the complications that can arise with flirting/dating someone in a work setting. He sure isn't avoiding running the class so why should you?

 

8 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I only had to wait for the first date because he went on holiday (back to his home country for a few week.) what if this situation is all perfectly fine and I’m just going like this because I have anxiety and overthinking

But if he didn't put you on a backburner you wouldn't be anxious and overthinking. He could simply text you before or over his holiday to keep in touch and fix a plan for the first date. If you are really into someone and nervous about asking them out, then when you finally asked and they said yes, would you have gone cold turkey and left them wondering what's happening just because you have a vacation coming up?

11 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

even with my ex, after the first date I was texting him that I didn’t want to see him again and she told me not too, then I end up dating and loving him.

But then he ended up telling you he never loved you? Sounds like she gave you bad advice, didn't she?

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Why would it be awkward? I would go and just focus on the class, not him. Now you see the complications that can arise with flirting/dating someone in a work setting. He sure isn't avoiding running the class so why should you?

 

But if he didn't put you on a backburner you wouldn't be anxious and overthinking. He could simply text you before or over his holiday to keep in touch and fix a plan for the first date. If you are really into someone and nervous about asking them out, then when you finally asked and they said yes, would you have gone cold turkey and left them wondering what's happening just because you have a vacation coming up?

But then he ended up telling you he never loved you? Sounds like she gave you bad advice, didn't she?

He said ‘let’s plan the date in person on Wednesday x’ and he stuck to his word there. 
 

Oh and he told me he would message me when he’s back from Holiday. Verbally and in person he is very communicative 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I don’t come across as having low self esteem though, he told me I seem hella confident, fiery and foxy in his words. He didn’t touch me inappropriately in a professional setting. He was respectful.

So if you end up seriously dating him you'll be all peachy and happy about him getting this handsy with the female gym members? 

[yogacat]

C'mon, anyone that touches your breasts quite a few times on the first date when you're not okay with it sounds like a huge red flag.

[LovelyRoses]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if you end up seriously dating him you'll be all peachy and happy about him getting this handsy with the female gym members? 

He isn’t necessary doing that. For all I know, I could be the first girl he’s been on date with from the gym. Just cause he’s a trainer doesn’t mean that

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

C'mon, anyone that touches your breasts quite a few times on the first date when you're not okay with it sounds like a huge red flag.

It was when we were kissing in the car. We did have a lot of chemistry. And he stopped doing it after I moved his hand away

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

and the touching in the gym was polite and warm, a little shoulder touch here and there for example

You said he touched your stomach, and as I said before, that's something only a man whose already had sex with you should be doing.

How about if he asks you to dinner, that you tell him you will meet him at the restaurant and don't be in a private place where with your chemistry, you'll give in to that chemistry and begin making out before you're emotionally ready/more sure about his intentions?

As I recently said on another thread, a man who sees you as long term material and it's his goal to have a long term relationship, will be patient about being intimate for even 2 months if you hold off. He will be happy to meet you in public places to enjoy your company and get to know all about you.

He will also be asking you to spend time with you at least once or twice a week. Of course, if he put in regular effort, after a few weeks of that, you can put in half the effort of arranging dates as well. But always keep in mind that your needs matter, and if a guy let long lapses go without contact and setting up dates, that you shouldn't be waiting around, biting your nails, about when that next call will come, and worry while gobbling up any bread crumbs he throws. Cut the losers loose if they don't meet your ideal standards in regards to your dating life.

Like another poster said, I don't get why you value the organic meet, since you know no more about him (dating goals/relationship history/ethics/relationship goals) than you would about someone you meet on OLD.

Can I ask how many dates with individual men you've been on in  the last 12 months? If not many, perhaps you need to spread your net wider instead of making your world smaller as to meeting men. How about trying Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group? How about taking dancing lessons where the lesson is followed by a group dance?

You said you're confident, but again, your self-esteem is so clear through your posts. Women who have self-esteem don't let men touch them inappropriately. You're acting like a toy mouse so the cat can bat you around. Predators are attracted to weak prey. Perhaps when you gain self-love, you will attract more decent men.

60 days isn't that long in the span of things. If he isn't happy meeting with you in public for a few months which doesn't involve groping and inviting you over to see his etchings, then he's showing you exactly who he is and you need to pay attention. If you're pleasantly surprised by his efforts and behavior, well then you can begin to breathe easier.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

He isn’t necessary doing that. For all I know, I could be the first girl he’s been on date with from the gym. Just cause he’s a trainer doesn’t mean that

Never said that. I mean the way he touches you then assume if you date him seriously he will touch other gym members too as you agree it’s appropriate and part of his job. So you’re good with being involved with a man who gratuitously touches female gym members right ? I didn’t say he’d date anyone. But you think his touching you is appropriate so you’re good if hypothetically you go visit your man at work with some awesome vegan cookies (lol) and see him gently touching the shoulders of a super cute female gym member. Cause well it’s - appropriate. Right?

[MissCanuck]

OP, both things can be true: you might be anxious, and he might be after nothing more than sex. 

You won't really know more unless and until you two go out again.