Does it sound like he’s not interested?

[LovelyRoses]

Can anyone advise here?

 

I’ve posted on here before, about the last guy I dated, who was a lovely man but do not and cold and keeping me at a distance. I’ve worked on myself

I am a confident woman now, who after period of healing after dating some men who didn’t treat me right, I have met someone else.

A man who works at the gym I go to, over time we see each other around, we chat, and eventually after 4 months he asked me out.

Went on the date on Monday. He seemed very into me, lots of compliments, flirting and good conversation. 

But something doesn’t sit right with me. My friends are telling me off and telling me I’m finding reasons and excuses to not date. But I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or some kind of anxiety 

I asked him on the date, how long he’s been single. He looked a little perplexed and deep in thought with the question, to which he replied ‘since 2021, sounds like it’s been a long time for the both of us.’ 

But on his instagram in late last year, there are pictures with a girl, working out at the gym witb the caption ‘power couple.’ And looks like all her family still follow him. So why would he say 2021?

On the date, he appeared very into me and the night ended with us kissing in his car. He did touch my breast quite a few times and I felt a little nervous as I don’t want to be used for sex. I told him I don’t sleep with guys on the first date until I’m comfortable 

I’ve beeen Lectured by my friends that it’s nothing and they probably just family friends. 

But I feel all weird and funny.

Also after the date, he texted me to say he had a fun time. But 3 days later, he’s not texted me any more. I don’t know whether to worry about this? Could this be normal and he’s just taking his time to reach out again

 

im worried I’ll never have a boyfriend and will only ever be used like this 

[Kwothe28]

32 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

im worried I’ll never have a boyfriend and will only ever be used like this 

Probably yes if you keep dating "Gym bro player" type. 

33 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

But on his instagram in late last year, there are pictures with a girl, working out at the gym witb the caption ‘power couple.’ And looks like all her family still follow him. So why would he say 2021?

 

Here is the tip: Some people, especially men, will lie to get to sex. He would say anything, including that he doesnt have anybody just so you would think that he doesnt.

Also, you were not "used". You willingly went out with the player, and then let him kiss you and grope you in the car. Take some accountability for your own action. Next time if you dont want too "get used", dont date players.

[LovelyRoses]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Probably yes if you keep dating "Gym bro player" type. 

Here is the tip: Some people, especially men, will lie to get to sex. He would say anything, including that he doesnt have anybody just so you would think that he doesnt.

Also, you were not "used". You willingly went out with the player, and then let him kiss you and grope you in the car. Take some accountability for your own action. Next time if you dont want too "get used", dont date players.

No I don’t ‘keep dating’ them. My usual type is usually long haired nerdy musical guys, but that hasn’t worked out for me. This is the first time I’ve been asked out without dating app and it’s been organic, so it’s not that I keep going for people like this. This type of guy isn’t my usual type and it’s a first for me. I can’t assume he’s a player just because he works at the gym. 
 

my friends are telling me to relax into it and enjoy it and he’s obviously into me. 
 

I also didn’t let him do anything, we were both passionate. My friends said it’s not groping 

 

your response here isn’t very sensitive and kind when I’m just feeling a bit uncertain. It’s putting the blame onto me when I’m just trying my best to meet a guy and put myself out there and give guys a chance 

 

I don’t know if he’s a player, he might not be at all. You don’t know that either 

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

My usual type is usually long haired nerdy musical guys, but that hasn’t worked out for me.

Ah yes "Long haired guitar player" type. I wonder why that hasnt worked for you as well.

10 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It’s putting the blame onto me when I’m just trying my best to meet a guy and put myself out there and give guys a chance 

Yes, give players a chance and then complain how it hasnt worked out for you. As Ive said, no accountability. Its pretty simple: Stop dating players if you dont want men who just want to get sex from you. Otherwise, yes, you will never have a real boyfriend. 

[LovelyRoses]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ah yes "Long haired guitar player" type. I wonder why that hasnt worked for you as well.

Yes, give players a chance and then complain how it hasnt worked out for you. As Ive said, no accountability. Its pretty simple: Stop dating players if you dont want men who just want to get sex from you. Otherwise, yes, you will never have a real boyfriend. 

Well I’m a musician so that’s the type I’ve tend to click with usually. I’m quite edgy.

im not dating ‘players’ I date people I meet and click with and you can’t make judgement of whether someone is a player just from their appearance. My friends are annoyed I’m thinking this way about this new guy and that it’s my anxiety talking. I just go for people I have nice chat with and feel comfortable with, I don’t chase after people. The last guys I dated weren’t players I don’t know why you assume this new guy is , I could be overthinking 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

you can’t make judgement of whether someone is a player just from their appearance.

Of course not but this is the guy who kept inappropriately touching you during class and he is an employee.  So the judgment would take into account his unprofessionalism.  Most men who touch your private parts on a first date especially since he only knows you as a client of the gym - are likely very focused on sex.  And sex very soon.  That means that if the other person is very focused on sex -wa la - great match.  Lotsa fun.  You are not a person who wants sex early on.  So sometimes if you tell the person that (as I have in the distant past) that person is comfortable waiting as they are very interested in getting to know you as a person.

Also "single" means different things to different people.  To me it actually means "not engaged or married" (and separated is still married).  It also means "not in a long term committed relationship" for the most part.  But if someone is dating someone else even for a long time and it's not exclusive that person is -single.  He is not married/engaged/committed. I think this person may have been perfectly honest that he is not married, etc.  But it doesn't mean he doesn't go on dates and/or have a romantic life or a sex life.

I would not see this person again because of how he was inappropriate at his place of work and how aggressive he was on a first date. He would not be using you.  I agree with Kwok. You don't want him judged as a player bur in most of your threads you make comments about somehow being "used" or treated badly when in those situations you've played with fire/walked right into it. If you say you are a confident person most confident people also take responsibility for their choices as they are -confident in their choices.

[LovelyRoses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course not but this is the guy who kept inappropriately touching you during class and he is an employee.  So the judgment would take into account his unprofessionalism.  Most men who touch your private parts on a first date especially since he only knows you as a client of the gym - are likely very focused on sex.  And sex very soon.  That means that if the other person is very focused on sex -wa la - great match.  Lotsa fun.  You are not a person who wants sex early on.  So sometimes if you tell the person that (as I have in the distant past) that person is comfortable waiting as they are very interested in getting to know you as a person.

Also "single" means different things to different people.  To me it actually means "not engaged or married" (and separated is still married).  It also means "not in a long term committed relationship" for the most part.  But if someone is dating someone else even for a long time and it's not exclusive that person is -single.  He is not married/engaged/committed. I think this person may have been perfectly honest that he is not married, etc.  But it doesn't mean he doesn't go on dates and/or have a romantic life or a sex life.

I would not see this person again because of how he was inappropriate at his place of work and how aggressive he was on a first date. He would not be using you.  I agree with Kwok. You don't want him judged as a player bur in most of your threads you make comments about somehow being "used" or treated badly when in those situations you've played with fire/walked right into it. If you say you are a confident person most confident people also take responsibility for their choices as they are -confident in their choices.

But people sleep togetehr on first dates, I did not, so the touching maybe wasn’t that inappropriate?

 

and the touching in the gym was polite and warm, a little shoulder touch here and there for example. He was always respectful at work and I didn’t feel uncomfortable 

 

my friend says I’m overthinking it all, and I should be happy someone is desiring me a lot as the last guys I dated I didn’t feel they desired me that much.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Also after the date, he texted me to say he had a fun time. But 3 days later, he’s not texted me any more

How did you respond to this? 

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

How did you respond to this? 

I said ‘I had a lovely evening too! X’ and then we flirted a bit and then he said he was going to bed and I’ve not heard from him since then

im booked in to his fitness class tonight. It’s usually ran by another instructor but just saw he’s covering it so I don’t know whether to cancel. Or it will be weird of me to go. I usually go to his cycle class on Wednesday night but I didn’t go last night. Maybe going to his class tonight will give me opportunity to talk? I just feel really nervous 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

But people sleep togetehr on first dates, I did not, so the touching maybe wasn’t that inappropriate?

 

and the touching in the gym was polite and warm, a little shoulder touch here and there for example. He was always respectful at work and I didn’t feel uncomfortable 

 

my friend says I’m overthinking it all, and I should be happy someone is desiring me a lot as the last guys I dated I didn’t feel they desired me that much.

Yes I wrote that. Many people have intercourse right away and it need not be a date.  You do not. I don't actually think it was inappropriate.  It was aggressive and what was inappropriate was touching you as his customer/client and it's consistent with how forward he was once he got you alone. 

I don't think he is interested in seeing you again because you told him he was moving too fast. He wants someone who as you wrote will move that fast or faster so you two don't have enough in common. 

Why do you think he desires you as a person? He is sexually attracted. You knew this already.  Many people are sexually attracted to other people and it doesn't mean they want to date the person they are attracted to and doesn't mean they see potential for a serious relationship.  I used to kiss men I knew I'd never be interested in dating.  I was not leading them on - a man I met at club med, a man I'd meet at a party, a singles event.  We'd dance, maybe kiss-it was fun -and I already knew not a person I'd want to date.  But I desired the person as far as being attracted.  Why would you settle- you just finished writing -again - that you are confident and feel you deserve a relationship.  Don't just settle for some guy who is attracted enough to grope you at his place of business or in a car on a first date.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

I said ‘I had a lovely evening too! X’ and then we flirted a bit and then he said he was going to bed and I’ve not heard from him since then

im booked in to his fitness class tonight. It’s usually ran by another instructor but just saw he’s covering it so I don’t know whether to cancel. Or it will be weird of me to go. I usually go to his cycle class on Wednesday night but I didn’t go last night. Maybe going to his class tonight will give me opportunity to talk? I just feel really nervous 

I would go and would not interact with him unless it is related to the class.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I said ‘I had a lovely evening too! X’ and then we flirted a bit and then he said he was going to bed and I’ve not heard from him since then

I think he isn't that interested in actually dating you, no. 

This seems more like he was after a hook-up. 

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I wrote that. Many people have intercourse right away and it need not be a date.  You do not. I don't actually think it was inappropriate.  It was aggressive and what was inappropriate was touching you as his customer/client and it's consistent with how forward he was once he got you alone. 

I don't think he is interested in seeing you again because you told him he was moving too fast. He wants someone who as you wrote will move that fast or faster so you two don't have enough in common. 

Why do you think he desires you as a person? He is sexually attracted. You knew this already.  Many people are sexually attracted to other people and it doesn't mean they want to date the person they are attracted to and doesn't mean they see potential for a serious relationship.  I used to kiss men I knew I'd never be interested in dating.  I was not leading them on - a man I met at club med, a man I'd meet at a party, a singles event.  We'd dance, maybe kiss-it was fun -and I already knew not a person I'd want to date.  But I desired the person as far as being attracted.  Why would you settle- you just finished writing -again - that you are confident and feel you deserve a relationship.  Don't just settle for some guy who is attracted enough to grope you at his place of business or in a car on a first date.

I didn’t tell him I he moving too fast, I just told him I don’t want to sleep with someone on a first date and I prefer to wait. 
 

I’ve just enjoyed getting to know him over several months. It’s been a nice interaction and getting to know each other and I’ve felt feminine and nice about it, it’s only now this week I’m worrying about it. I’ve deleted all dating apps a month ago as I want to meet someone organically which I have done and this has been a new experience for me 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I didn’t tell him I he moving too fast, I just told him I don’t want to sleep with someone on a first date and I prefer to wait. 
 

I’ve just enjoyed getting to know him over several months. It’s been a nice interaction and getting to know each other and I’ve felt feminine and nice about it, it’s only now this week I’m worrying about it. I’ve deleted all dating apps a month ago as I want to meet someone organically which I have done and this has been a new experience for me 

I’m just so worried why I’ve never had a boyfriend and even the sweet nerdy boys don’t see me romanrically. I deem myself relationship material but I don’t know why men don’t want me for that

[MissCanuck]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve deleted all dating apps a month ago as I want to meet someone organically which I have done and this has been a new experience for me 

And this is perfectly fine. 

Just understand that this experience might not be something that develops into more. That's all. Keep perspective and don't stress yourself out too much.

This was the same guy who left you hanging a couple times before he finally arranged a date, no? How did that eventually come about? In your last thread he'd mentioned getting drinks twice but hadn't followed through yet. What was the chain of events after that that led to this date? 

[LovelyRoses]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And this is perfectly fine. 

Just understand that this experience might not be something that develops into more. That's all. Keep perspective and don't stress yourself out too much.

This was the same guy who left you hanging a couple times before he finally arranged a date, no? How did that eventually come about? In your last thread he'd mentioned getting drinks twice but hadn't followed through yet. What was the chain of events after that that led to this date? 

Yeah we bumped into each other again ant the gym, but didn’t talk as he was with client, and then he finally texted me to set up the plans. We don’t really text much before the date either 

 

im booked into his class tonight and I can’t cancel as I’ve paid bht didn’t realise it was his class, so worried if I should go or not 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I didn’t tell him I he moving too fast, I just told him I don’t want to sleep with someone on a first date and I prefer to wait. 
 

I’ve just enjoyed getting to know him over several months. It’s been a nice interaction and getting to know each other and I’ve felt feminine and nice about it, it’s only now this week I’m worrying about it. I’ve deleted all dating apps a month ago as I want to meet someone organically which I have done and this has been a new experience for me 

Right and most interpret that as this person doesn't want to have intercourse right away or early on.  If he does then he should move on to find a lady who does. You haven't gotten to know him in a dating context.  You've gotten to know him as a member of a gym where he is your instructor. It does feel feminine to be around a strong man who is teaching you physical fitness.  Doesn't mean you two would make a good couple.  And now you know you would not as you two have different goals/standards/values right off the bat.  Just because it's a "new experience" to have someone who you met in person ask you out doesn't mean it's an experience you should pursue further.

And if you truly thought  you knew him in a relevant way you wouldn't be stalking his IG.

Oh and several times I've said what you said on a first or second or third date and never heard from the guy again. I was totally fine with it -made perfect sense to me.

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Right and most interpret that as this person doesn't want to have intercourse right away or early on.  If he does then he should move on to find a lady who does. You haven't gotten to know him in a dating context.  You've gotten to know him as a member of a gym where he is your instructor. It does feel feminine to be around a strong man who is teaching you physical fitness.  Doesn't mean you two would make a good couple.  And now you know you would not as you two have different goals/standards/values right off the bat.  Just because it's a "new experience" to have someone who you met in person ask you out doesn't mean it's an experience you should pursue further.

And if you truly thought  you knew him in a relevant way you wouldn't be stalking his IG.

Oh and several times I've said what you said on a first or second or third date and never heard from the guy again. I was totally fine with it -made perfect sense to me.

It’s just I’m 28 now and ive never ever once been pursued by someone who is serious about me. And I’m really worried that means something is very wrong with me and that I’m not loveable. 
men seem to like my looks, and are captivated by my looks but I’m more than that, I’m a whole nice personality and confident lady that wants a connection. 
 

Even my ex boyfriend, he seemed to adore me for the year we were together and one day said he never loved me and dated me because I was hot. Even though he seemed to like me as a person intially 

[MissCanuck]

You have quite the complex about something being wrong with you and fearing you're not lovable, OP. All your threads seem to circle back to this. 

Everyone faces disappointment in dating. Mostly everyone has been hurt by a partner at some point. But you can't take every interaction with a possible love interest as a measuring stick of your self-worth. 

This particular guy may or may not be looking for anything beyond a hookup. And it may have nothing to do with who you are as person Maybe he's dating others. Maybe he's not looking for a relationshio at all right now.  What is clear is that it has got you spinning, scouring his social media, and looping back into these deeply negative thoughts about yourself.

I am concerned that if nothing comes of this first date with him that you will spiral and beat yourself up into infinity. 

 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

You have quite the complex about something being wrong with you and fearing you're not lovable, OP. All your threads seem to circle back to this. 

Everyone faces disappointment in dating. Mostly everyone has been hurt by a partner at some point. But you can't take every interaction with a possible love interest as a measuring stick of your self-worth. 

This particular guy may or may not be looking for anything beyond a hookup. And it may have nothing to do with who you are as person Maybe he's dating others. Maybe he's not looking for a relationshio at all right now.  What is clear is that it has got you spinning, scouring his social media, and looping back into these deeply negative thoughts about yourself.

I am concerned that if nothing comes of this first date with him that you will spiral and beat yourself up into infinity. 

 

But it’s the fact that every love interest goes nowhere, always has the same outcome of them not being that into me etc. i know I came across so well on the date, feminine, confident and relaxed, I felt I could really be myself with him. 
 

he even asked me on a second date during the first and said he really wants to take me to dinner next week. Just hasn’t reached out to text me this week.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It’s just I’m 28 now and ive never ever once been pursued by someone who is serious about me. And I’m really worried that means something is very wrong with me and that I’m not loveable. 
men seem to like my looks, and are captivated by my looks but I’m more than that, I’m a whole nice personality and confident lady that wants a connection. 
 

Even my ex boyfriend, he seemed to adore me for the year we were together and one day said he never loved me and dated me because I was hot. Even though he seemed to like me as a person intially 

I suggest you reread all the awesome suggestions on your past threads including how you might be getting in your own way and with great suggestions on things you can do to improve your chances of meeting a good match. If you're so confident as you write why in the world would you assume that just because you haven't met the right person you are not loveable? That doesn't sound really confident to me.  

I'm not sure why you are looking to be "pursued" by someone.  Typically the best relationships have little pursuit. They involve two people who click on some level (whether on a first meet, a blind date, at the laundromat or at a dance class or at work as happened for me) then together decide to get to know each other better often by dating each other.  Often the man does more of the asking out.  This often is not an active pursuit because if the woman likes dating the man she will respond with enthusiasm and these days often will show interest eitehr by asking him out or in some other ways.  

You're not a victim -I mean you're confident and you have talents and you have good looks right? Mostly I think you have really odd assumptions often negative about people in general and you seem desperate to hang on to comments your friends make about men who likely are not a good match for you for a potential serious relationship.  You substititue word salad and intellectualisms and psychobabble for basic common sense. Why? Likely because it's easier to bury yourself in those rationalizations and "smart" talk instead of get out there and stop getting in your own way. 

As mentioned many have given you great suggestions on how to stop this victimhood/self sabotaging.  Dating is really hard.  It's not for everyone.  People who are serious minded often find it worth it. People who want hook ups often find it worth it to be out there finding people to hook up with and have fun with for one or two dates or a couple of years.  Whatever floats  their boats.  But for many -like me -it's really hard to find the right person and there are no guarantees.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

But it’s the fact that every love interest goes nowhere, always has the same outcome of them not being that into me etc. i know I came across so well on the date, feminine, confident and relaxed, I felt I could really be myself with him. 
 

he even asked me on a second date during the first and said he really wants to take me to dinner next week. Just hasn’t reached out to text me this week.

This was not a love interest.  This was an instructor at your gym who flirted  with you and you had one date with.  He could not be himself with you not in a dating sense. He is an employee and he has a personal training business.  He seems to be comfortable hooking up with gym clients. Maybe he's also hooking up with his boss so the boss is cool with him fraternizing with the gym members.

If he does reach out to take you to dinner no harm in doing dinner. Just don't be dessert. Avoid being alone in a car or private home with him until you've gone on at least a couple more dates.  

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I suggest you reread all the awesome suggestions on your past threads including how you might be getting in your own way and with great suggestions on things you can do to improve your chances of meeting a good match. If you're so confident as you write why in the world would you assume that just because you haven't met the right person you are not loveable? That doesn't sound really confident to me.  

I'm not sure why you are looking to be "pursued" by someone.  Typically the best relationships have little pursuit. They involve two people who click on some level (whether on a first meet, a blind date, at the laundromat or at a dance class or at work as happened for me) then together decide to get to know each other better often by dating each other.  Often the man does more of the asking out.  This often is not an active pursuit because if the woman likes dating the man she will respond with enthusiasm and these days often will show interest eitehr by asking him out or in some other ways.  

You're not a victim -I mean you're confident and you have talents and you have good looks right? Mostly I think you have really odd assumptions often negative about people in general and you seem desperate to hang on to comments your friends make about men who likely are not a good match for you for a potential serious relationship.  You substititue word salad and intellectualisms and psychobabble for basic common sense. Why? Likely because it's easier to bury yourself in those rationalizations and "smart" talk instead of get out there and stop getting in your own way. 

As mentioned many have given you great suggestions on how to stop this victimhood/self sabotaging.  Dating is really hard.  It's not for everyone.  People who are serious minded often find it worth it. People who want hook ups often find it worth it to be out there finding people to hook up with and have fun with for one or two dates or a couple of years.  Whatever floats  their boats.  But for many -like me -it's really hard to find the right person and there are no guarantees.

Yeah but me and this guy our meeting was very easy, natural, like we gravitated toward each other. Started saying hello to each other round town. I usually feel invisible to men and I’ve never met anyone organically as in my whole 20s through all my social activities, every guy I’ve met has had girlfriend. I been so unlucky. 
 

but I felt I clicked with this guy, we talk about all sorts when we see each other. Maybe I am overthinking. He already asked me on a second date during the first so maybe he will reach out to me to plan it. He said he wants to take me to a nice restaurant. 

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yeah but me and this guy our meeting was very easy, natural, like we gravitated toward each other. Started saying hello to each other round town. I usually feel invisible to men and I’ve never met anyone organically as in my whole 20s through all my social activities, every guy I’ve met has had girlfriend. I been so unlucky. 
 

but I felt I clicked with this guy, we talk about all sorts when we see each other. Maybe I am overthinking. He already asked me on a second date during the first so maybe he will reach out to me to plan it. He said he wants to take me to a nice restaurant. 

He also told me he hasn’t been on a date in a very very long time. My friend told me to take that at face value and trust him . If he was a player, I’m sure he would have been on more dates than that.

 

he did say that he went on a date last year and she said she was a vegan so he walked out 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yeah but me and this guy our meeting was very easy, natural, like we gravitated toward each other. Started saying hello to each other round town. I usually feel invisible to men and I’ve never met anyone organically as in my whole 20s through all my social activities, every guy I’ve met has had girlfriend. I been so unlucky. 
 

but I felt I clicked with this guy, we talk about all sorts when we see each other. Maybe I am overthinking. He already asked me on a second date during the first so maybe he will reach out to me to plan it. He said he wants to take me to a nice restaurant. 

That's not a love interest. I understand how it felt from your perspective. This is part of his job -to click with the members especially since he also is a personal trainer on the side. You are not invisible to him -he enjoyed talking and flirting and then you had one date.  Very typical - many people meet and go on a date.  Obviously given his work you have to be visible to him -his job is to help his clients with their physical fitness.

Yes part of meeting people is luck and timing.  You can increase the chances by doing one of the many suggestions you've been given.  I wish you'd consider those as people here took their time to help and you're so bent on your pity party. 

 

There is no second date.  A second date requires time and place or at least "next Friday night -I'll call you soon to pick a place!" It's sweet what he said. Watch the feet- whether he follows up -not the lips.