My boyfriend keeps checking his exes social media…

[regretgirl]

I’m spiraling a bit as my boyfriend has recently been viewing his exes facebook.

To start off my boyfriend used to be obsessed with this girl.

From what he has described, she sounds like the one who got away.

They were “friends with benefits” but she stopped seeing him when he admitted he loved her. He says he was depressed (near suicidal) and heartbroken for TWO YEARS after she left, and admits to comparing us early on in our relationship.

Obviously I was a bit alarmed hearing this and asked how he’d feel if he saw her in person and he responded that he’d feel a “rush of emotion and memories” but “wouldn’t want to go back” and that he loves me more than anything. 

Ever since learning this, she has always been in the back of my mind. He treats me wonderfully and I have very little to complain about.  He’s one of the most supportive and caring people I’ve ever met and he seems serious about a future together, but this keeps nagging at me…

Which brings me to yesterday.

He was showing me some funny videos on facebook and when he clicked the search bar she was recently searched. My heart dropped and I felt sick. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I admittedly looked at his phone when he was showering. He has clicked her profile twice in the past two months from what I can tell.

I feel really upset that he’s still looking at her page, given their history.

It’s been 4 years since they broke up (2 years he was single, 2 years with me). This is really eating me up inside and I’d like some third party opinions as I feel I’m not thinking totally clearly.

Would you bring this up with him if you were me? If so, how? Do you think he’s still in love with her??? I'm so upset.

 

[smackie9]

Just tell him to get over it and to cut it out. 

[Batya33]

Maybe he was just curious. I'd let it go. But if you don't trust him why are you dating him?

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't sound like he treats you that wonderfully nor is he supportive and caring enough to respect himself and you.  If he's truly serious about a future with you,  he needs to change the way he thinks and acts otherwise his emotional connection to his exes will not only nag you but this issue will evolve into a bigger problem as months and years go by. 

If he can't change,  then you change by having higher standards in choosing the type of man who knows how to behave with integrity and honor towards you and himself.  It's all about character.  No matter how wonderful a person has,  if they have a side to them which is unacceptable and intolerable,  this will gnaw on you for however long you will endure it.  The choice is yours.

[shouldhavelearned]

Not a good sign

Prepare to move on 

[Tinydance]

Well I could be wrong but I think some people just look up their old crushes/ex's out of curiosity or because they're bored. To be honest I do it as well but I do it pretty rarely. I know some of my friends do it too. My best friend for example went on only three dates with a guy and then she rejected him. Then a few years later she decided to look him up and saw he got married. And she felt she maybe made a mistake and should have continued to date him. I don't think she had particularly strong feelings for him though and that's why she did reject him. I think in some cases looking up your ex doesn't mean too much. But maybe in others it does mean they're not over them.

I don't really understand why your boyfriend overahared how he felt about that girl in the past. I think it was very unnecessary. People should keep talking about their ex to a minimum. Especially not say things like how much he was into her, etc. 

Personally I wouldn't break up with him just because he looked up that girl. I mean, as I said, I sometimes look up my ex's too. For me it's purely out of curiosity. I don't message them or have any urge to message them even. Like, I'm just looking but I don't want them back in my life. I mean, they broke up four years ago. If it was recent then I'd be more concerned. 

Why don't you actually bring it up with him? Don't say you looked at his phone but just say you saw her come up in the search bar. Ask if he still has feelings for her. The other thing though is that you can still have some feelings for someone but doesn't mean you actually want to be with them.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think he got over her properly. Which doesnt mean he would leave you for her since she didnt wanted him in the first place other then for sex so she probably wouldnt take him back. But it does mean that he still maybe hopes for something. And that, due to not getting over her, he didnt properly accepted you in his heart. First few months in a relationship are crucial since in those months people fall for each other. If he spent those months comparing you to her, he didnt properly "fell for you" in those. Hence why he still searches for her on socials. 

I would bring it up. Say that you saw her in searches when he showed you and that you felt uncomfortable. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I could be wrong but I think some people just look up their old crushes/ex's out of curiosity or because they're bored. To be honest I do it as well but I do it pretty rarely. I know some of my friends do it too. My best friend for example went on only three dates with a guy and then she rejected him. Then a few years later she decided to look him up and saw he got married. And she felt she maybe made a mistake and should have continued to date him. I don't think she had particularly strong feelings for him though and that's why she did reject him. I think in some cases looking up your ex doesn't mean too much. But maybe in others it does mean they're not over them.

I don't really understand why your boyfriend overahared how he felt about that girl in the past. I think it was very unnecessary. People should keep talking about their ex to a minimum. Especially not say things like how much he was into her, etc. 

Personally I wouldn't break up with him just because he looked up that girl. I mean, as I said, I sometimes look up my ex's too. For me it's purely out of curiosity. I don't message them or have any urge to message them even. Like, I'm just looking but I don't want them back in my life. I mean, they broke up four years ago. If it was recent then I'd be more concerned. 

Why don't you actually bring it up with him? Don't say you looked at his phone but just say you saw her come up in the search bar. Ask if he still has feelings for her. The other thing though is that you can still have some feelings for someone but doesn't mean you actually want to be with them.

All of this and again if  you don't trust him don't date him -and yes his oversharing makes no sense. I am Linkedin with my ex boyfriend -why? Because I meant to click on the photo next to him to link in and clicked on his (we have a number of mutual connections).  Then he "accepted" -obviously I could have blocked but we're on good terms, have a number of mutual friends, acquaintances, connections and we're in the same type of work. We've had zero contact through linkedin or Facebook (we're not connected on FB but we see each other's comments at times through mutual connections.).  I do not wish to be with him.  If my husband saw we were linkedin I'm sure he'd think -nothing.  But it's about boundaries. No I would not be connected to him on FB to me that's too personal and it might annoy his wife.  

I've known my husband since the mid 90s.  Married over 15 years.  His ex gf wanted him back shortly after we reconnected years after we broke up.  He told me without oversharing.  I have checked his devices zero times in all these years.  And vice versa.  No reason to. We both have platonic friends of opposite gender we both stay in touch with exes on and off. In fact if I walk by his laptop during the day the only time -rare - I will glance is if I see a notification and there is a good reason to glance again like I know he's expecting an email etc.  Then I will tell him if needed.  I trust him and he is around attractive women alllll the time at work, during business travel, etc.  No worries on my end. If I had real worries I wouldn't be married to him.  In the rare occasions when I've wondered if someone is crossing the line we talk about it.  And it's always resolved easily and it's all good.