His secret fetish has me at a loss...advice needed

[Blostinluv]

I've been in a relationship for a few years and living together for about a year, even discussed marriage and future plans.  Recently trust was broken over a different subject and was being worked through. However I still suspected something was off, and I was correct.  A package was left open in a closet containing womens lingerie not in my size, and an empty box that had contained an anal toy. When confronted my SO said it was just a long distance online thing. Later I broke boundaries and looked through phone to discover he buys womens used lingerie and also purchases toys. The conversations were very sexual, flirty and included exchanging photos, some of him in the items he purchased.  Im an open minded person,  however I think a kink should be disclosed early on to ensure compatability.  I also feel I'm just not what he wants despite his consistency in expressing he loves me. When confronted he claimed this is an addiction not a kink or fetish,  he is embarrassed and not ready to discuss with me. However he is sharing this part of himself with multiple women online. I don't know what to do, but I think I need to leave him because I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable with this part of him even though I love him.

[yogacat]

This isn't a fetish, this is cheating.

[Coily]

If this was a fetish he would be doing this with you. But noooo, some other random woman.

Are these the questions you want to saddle yourself with?

[Tinydance]

Well this is a lot for you to process. And it's very hard to do that when he doesn't even want to talk to you properly about this fetish or what's going on. Without him wanting to talk about it, I think there's a lot here that you don't know. For example, does he wear women's lingerie purely as a fetish or is he transgender? I think it matters because if he's secretly transgender then he's not the gender that you want to date. E.g. If you're a straight woman and only want to date males.

The other complicated thing here is that even if it's only a fetish for him, he's messaging women online about it. He's exchanging sexual messages and photos with them. So yes that is cheating. 

And the other aspect of this is that if this is a big fetish for him but he wants to hide it from you, then it's not really a transparent relationship. If you're intimate and you live together then why does he have this completely other separate sex life away from you? And yeah you should have had the choice as to whether you would even want to participate in this fetish. Not that he has even asked you to participate or ever told you about it.

[Blostinluv]

I've been trying to initiate conversations about it and he says that he is embarrassed. He has granted me phone access and is attending therapy because he feels it's more a problem like an addiction rather than a fetish.  Yes I agree it's cheating and that really hurt, however since I've finally got him talking some I think there is still hope. I also think he needs to open up more so we can identify what each of us is comfortable with and set respectful boundaries and limits. Without that there is no hope.

[redswim30]

On 10/2/2024 at 12:44 PM, Blostinluv said:

, but I think I need to leave him because I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable with this part of him even though I love him.

^ This is really all there is to it.  The rest is window dressing.  Even if he WERE totally open with you about it, if you're uncomfortable and he is going to continue to do it- you just have a deal-breaker incompatibility here.   That's it.  Maybe you should just break up.  

Relationships are about more than love.  There's tons of people in the world who love each other but cannot live with each other.  They are two separate things.

Even before this issue, it seems trust is a major issue for you as a couple.  I'm sorry, but you don't sound compatible in the long run.  

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Blostinluv said:

he feels it's more a problem like an addiction rather than a fetish. 

If he feels it's an addiction, and to me this does sound like a form of sex addiction, then he needs to seeks therapy/treatment.  

And he's going to need to put his embarrassment aside to do this. 

It's foolish to think you can resolve this together.

You can support him while he attempts to work through this with a therapist, one who specializes in sex addiction, but sex addiction runs deep and there's a lot inside to unravel. 

If your intent is to remain in this relationship, I suggest you make this a condition of you staying. 

Assuming of course it IS an addiction as he claims and not some BS because he read it in a book or something. 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

Love isn’t everything. 

[Tinydance]

Well I think the number one thing is he needs to stop getting involved with other women online. I mean even if he has a fetish but people can still participate in it on their own. You're actually being understanding and supportive to him so he needs to show you respect and cut that out.

The other thing is that I think you really need to think whether you're OK with this fetish in and of itself. This fetish is a bit different to the more common fetishes like spanking or tying up or something. You don't HAVE to be OK with it if you just feel that you can't be. But if you can be OK with it then I think the relationship may be saved. But he needs to stop cheating and be very honest with you from now on.

I mean, I'm pansexual and attracted to any gender. It actually doesn't bother me if my male partner wears lingerie. I don't even care if he transitioned to a woman. Though obviously there would still be a lot to get used to because he would become a different person in a sense. Like, his lifestyle and persona. But if you're completely straight and you aren't attracted to women or feminine men then that's fine. It's about being honest with yourself and you don't have to force yourself just to appear to be open minded.

[LootieTootie]

It's already bad that he has been cheating on you and you're still standing by his side.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. Do you think you will ever be comfortable knowing that your guy likes to wear lingeries and plays with sex toys, like anal toys? 

If you say no, then don't be with him. This is who he is. You should never be in a relationship because you hope one day they will miraculously change.

[yogacat]

Please don't be so foolish as to think that  what you discovered is just some kind of kink. This is cheating, plain and simple. It doesn't matter what label he tries to put on it, or how much embarrassment he claims to feel. He has broken the trust in your relationship and has been engaging in sexual activities with other people behind your back.

Therapy may be helpful for him to address his issues, but it's not going to magically erase the fact that he has been cheating on you. And even if he does manage to overcome this so-called "addiction," the fact remains that he has shown a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship.

[ShySoul]

On 10/3/2024 at 11:27 AM, Blostinluv said:

I also think he needs to open up more so we can identify what each of us is comfortable with and set respectful boundaries and limits. Without that there is no hope.

This really comes down to what you are willing to accept and what he is willing to do about it. He made a mistake. But plenty of couples have survived cheating. Plenty of couples have survived discovering fetishes or addictions. And they do so by both being able to admit to the problem, showing compassion to the other person, and working together to address it. 

If this is an addiction, it's important to treat it as an addiction. What is the cause of it? Is he willing to address it? When did it start and how long has it been going on? For an addict, there behavior may feel out of their control. They may care about you, love you, but the complusion is something they can't stop. They need help to get to real reason and find a way to break out of it. You can't do it yourself, he has to. But you can help.

If you feel too betrayed to stay, then you shouldn't be with him. But if you want to give it a try, then try. Do just what you are doing and talk to him. Get him to open up. Set boundaries. And get him help. 

And in case it is a form of sex addiction mixed with a kink: 

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Sex-Addiction-in-a-Relationship

https://trafalgarresidence.com/blog/relationship-with-a-sex-addict/

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/2/2024 at 10:44 AM, Blostinluv said:

A package was left open in a closet containing womens lingerie not in my size, and an empty box that had contained an anal toy. When confronted my SO said it was just a long distance online thing.

On 10/2/2024 at 10:44 AM, Blostinluv said:

When confronted he claimed this is an addiction not a kink or fetish,  he is embarrassed and not ready to discuss with me. 

Firstly, I agree with Shy's post.

Sex addiction is a very REAL addiction that affects many people (men AND women) in modern society from what I've observed, read and talked with both men and women about..

Secondly, re what's quoted above, it sounds to me like he wanted you to find it and he admitted to having an addiction which I'm sure was very difficult and yes embarrassing. 

Imo, it was a cry for help. 

Nevertheless like Shy said, it's up to you what you're willing to accept.  There is no wrong or right.

Re the cheating (which I assume is limited to online but nevertheless still a form of cheating) many years ago I was in a serious relationship with a man who I discovered was addicted to alcohol, meth and coke.  We were engaged. 

During this period, when he was high on who knows what, he had what amounted to meaningless sex with other women.

I was incredibly hurt, of course!  But I tried to understand where it came from, which I ultimately learned  through therapy and support groups was his addictions.  As it went completely against his nature to cheat and he had not done so during the 5 years prior. 

I'm not a demanding or controlling person, but in this case I insisted he stop immediately and enter rehab and made it a condition of my staying. 

He agreed but before he went, I discovered he was still using, so I left and never went back.

A few weeks later he entered rehab and got clean.  Worthy of note, he did so AFTER I left. 

That's the short version!  A lot went down between us but it's not my thread so won't get into it.  

But we never got back together which was my choice as after he completed rehab he tried.  But for me too much had gone down and for me trust was gone. 

So again, it's up to you and what YOU are willing to accept.

The online cheating was/is a symptom of the addiction/disease, please try to not take that personally.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 

EDiT:  I agree with Shy that in some cases, this type of thing has brought a couple closer together and stronger after recovery. 

I couldn't do it, which TBH I still have some guilt about to this day even though it was the best thing for me at the time. 

 

 

 

[mylolita]

Dear OP,

 

The potential involvement of others aside - I apologise if I come across alarmist or old fashioned, but the nature of his kink is something that can carry sinister undertones. 
 

This is a huge warning.

 

This isn’t a cutesy fetish like, he’s absolutely mad about big breasts or he wants to caress your feet and suck a toe. 
 

Sometimes, this kind of thing is perceived as harmless, and it is. Other times it can be the tell tale sign of deeper and darker feelings or mental issues. Many famous serial killers cross dressed. It can be a sign of childhood trauma or mental confusion and warped thinking. Also gender confusion, or struggling with some kind of sexual repression where he may actually be gay. 
 

I am generally open minded, but this would have me running for the hills - but not before I’d checked the old hard drive. 
 

If he keeps this secret from you, there may be more he keeps hidden further you yet don’t know about.

 

Very concerning. 
 

x

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Dear OP,

 

The potential involvement of others aside - I apologise if I come across alarmist or old fashioned, but the nature of his kink is something that can carry sinister undertones. 
 

This is a huge warning.

 

This isn’t a cutesy fetish like, he’s absolutely mad about big breasts or he wants to caress your feet and suck a toe. 
 

Sometimes, this kind of thing is perceived as harmless, and it is. Other times it can be the tell tale sign of deeper and darker feelings or mental issues. Many famous serial killers cross dressed. It can be a sign of childhood trauma or mental confusion and warped thinking. Also gender confusion, or struggling with some kind of sexual repression where he may actually be gay. 
 

I am generally open minded, but this would have me running for the hills - but not before I’d checked the old hard drive. 
 

If he keeps this secret from you, there may be more he keeps hidden further you yet don’t know about.

 

Very concerning. 
 

x

I actually have to disagree sorry. I think cross dressing is just a fetish like any other. There are women who cross dress as well or take on another persona. E.g. Drag Kings. And he could be gay or transgender but that's just sexuality or gender identity. It doesn't mean someone is a serial killer. I think being truly open minded is you accept other people as long as they're not doing anyone harm. Being gay or transgender isn't a mental illness. That's what they thought in the 1950's! How old fashioned actually are you? Lol

However I totally agree with you and everyone else that his behaviours weren't good. Because he lied and cheated. Id he was upfront from the start like: "Hey I'm gay/bi/trans/cross dresser" then that would be different.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/2/2024 at 10:44 AM, Blostinluv said:

When confronted he claimed this is an addiction not a kink or fetish,  he is embarrassed and not ready to discuss with me.

@Blostinluvif you're still around reading our responses, to add to my previous, addiction or fetish or him simply being a cheating ***, what's in bold above is NOT acceptable.

Just me but this response would piss me off more than whatever he's doing with other women on the internet!  Or off!  I would not rule that out.  And you shouldn't either. 

You discovered troubling texts and photos, a box of lingerie that's NOT yours, he admits to you he's addicted and he doesn't want to discuss it?

It's aloof and dismissive and insulting to you and your relationship.

After thinking more about it, I don't think it's an addiction like I posted previously, it was a convenient excuse because he got caught which he refuses to discuss.  

What was your response?  Did you ask him when he will be ready to discuss it? 

What's the status? Are you still living there?  Or have you moved out? 

Would love an update when you get a chance. 

Edit:  I hope you're aware enough to realize this won't stop just cause he says it will or promises you he will.  He will simply try harder to hide it. 

It might not be at the level to call it in addiction but imo he needs professional help because this type of online activity can escalate quickly to in-person encounters and physical cheating.  

 

[Blostinluv]

Thank you all for your responses, 

I am still living with him while looking for a place and we are trying to work through it, however it is pretty clear that he is making alot of excuses to keep me. Example,  I asked him to open his app with me there and block all these women and delete them to avoid temptation and make the grand gesture to earn trust. His reaction was one of irritability followed by tears, he claimed he can't just block those he essentially had "a relationship with,  though only online." I explained that's not a relationship,  as it's transactional and that the women are simply chatting and exchanging photos to make money. His reaction tells me he enjoys the attention and that this will likely not work out for us. He has only attended 1 therapy session over 3 weeks and still says he's not comfortable discussing it and that I should not be asking to see his phone ever. It's unfortunate but, it is what it is.

[SophiaG]

Were you aware you’ve been in an open relationship where he can have multiple relationships “though only online”?

[yogacat]

Well, it's good that you are looking to move out.

My ex kissed another woman when we were engaged and living together, and I left him, although he wanted to continue with the relationship with me. He did have a number of issues, and it was a relief to finally be free from the drama. The problem is with people like your SO-the fact that they never tell the truth, they tell in parts, makes you doubt them always.

He could have told you something about his interests and needs. Whether a person speaks, and he tries to make you happy and glad, then it is a good sign; but if you have to drag the truth and doubt, then these relationships are not worth it.

We are all adults here; we should know how to share our feelings. At this age and stage, we are supposed to enjoy ourselves, be engaging in positive activities, and not behind our partner's backs. It is just weird and sad if you think about it.

If he had this addiction, he could have looked for your help knowing that you will be hurt by his conversation with other women. If you don't break up with him over this, your self-esteem will start to get kicked, and you'll begin feeling like maybe you did something wrong. Every bigamy news story started out as a someone attempting to be a cool person with an SO that had "needs."

He is meanwhile doing nothing to win your trust back, and if he does not want to talk about it with you, then he is not committed to the relationship or working his way through. 

[ShySoul]

On 10/8/2024 at 8:14 AM, Blostinluv said:

I asked him to open his app with me there and block all these women and delete them to avoid temptation and make the grand gesture to earn trust. His reaction was one of irritability followed by tears, he claimed he can't just block those he essentially had "a relationship with,  though only online." I explained that's not a relationship,  as it's transactional and that the women are simply chatting and exchanging photos to make money. His reaction tells me he enjoys the attention and that this will likely not work out for us. He has only attended 1 therapy session over 3 weeks and still says he's not comfortable discussing it and that I should not be asking to see his phone ever. It's unfortunate but, it is what it is.

Parasocial relationships can be another addiction. It may seem like a transaction to an outsider, but to the person involved they really do know these people and are close to them. In their mind it is a relationship. It's another aspect to his issues.

Did you phrase it like that, as him making a grand gesture to earn trust? If so that could put someone on the defensive, as if you are telling him what he needs to do and directing him to make these huge acts for you. I think approaching it as what is best for him might be more productive.

I say that out of concern for him, not anything against you. He does need to do more then he seems to be willing to do. As I said, this is his issue and he needs to be the solution. You can't do it yourself. I've dealt with people I love being addicted to many things - alcohol, drugs, the internet. Addiction comes from something missing inside a person. They are the ones who have to figure out what that is. If it is too much for you to handle, then its not healthy for you to be there. And like rainbows showed, sometimes a person leaving can be the push a person needs to seek help. Maybe ending things will ultimately be best for both of you.

Wish you well with whatever you decide.