Having a Hard Time Over Some Random Guy

[rainbowsandroses]

Maybe it was the other way around and your friend came on to him! Lol

I've seen it happen plenty of times even among women friends. 

Just sayin, both scenarios are possible or it's something else altogether.

[Tinydance]

Personally I wouldn't reach out to him again. I think it doesn't really matter why he called your friend the c word and stormed off. The fact is he did. He acted like a jerk. I think it doesn't matter why because YOU like your friend and YOU want to be friends with her. You know that saying: "bros before h*es" or whatever the female equivalent is. Chicks before d*cks? Lol This guy is on bad terms with your friend so he doesn't really "fit" into your life. 

Above all, he hasn’t messaged you again. So he's already made the decision that it's over. Why reach out to someone who has already decided how they feel.

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Me thinks he liked your friend and your friend wasn't having it - maybe out of respect for you or/and didnt care for him. It happens when FWBs hang out with FWBS entourage and your FWB go "oh, maybe another FWB to add?" 

 

This.

I dont think you should reach out to somebody who might possibly come on to your friend and was rude to you by just leaving you. Adding with him just not interested to even message you again. Its almost a week(well, here its Friday now lol) from that "incident". And he didnt even reached out to see how you are? Dont think you are obliged to entertain somebody like that with your interest. You were not cold. He on the other hand was. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Jmo as always but as a friend, and @moodindigo91you said good friend, I would think she would want to tell you he  is an *** who hit on her!

To warn you and protect you as friends tend to do. 

Especially now that he's on the outs. 

On the other hand, if SHE came on to him which I've seen happen, would she tell you?

Doubtful. 

She'd be evasive saying she "doesn't remember" just like she did, which I'm not buying. 

I don't really know, it's all assumption and speculation at this point.

Even if you do ask him, you may never find out the truth. 

In most cases, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. 

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Jmo as always but as a friend, and @moodindigo91you said good friend, I would think she would want to tell you he  is an *** who hit on her!

 

Actually, there is more chance she wouldnt tell OP something like that about the man than that she would. Women actually dont believe other women. Especially about men who they have a crush on. Which OP clearly does.

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Actually, there is more chance she wouldnt tell OP something like that about the man than that she would. Women actually dont believe other women. Especially about men who they have a crush on. Which OP clearly does.

True @Kwothe28, but a good friend whom I assume she trusts?

I dunno, I think a good friend would tell.  But then again would a good friend hit on her boyfriend or guy she's seeing?  That makes no sense either. 

Who knows?

It could something entirely different unrelated to either of those scenarios.

[moodindigo91]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Actually, there is more chance she wouldnt tell OP something like that about the man than that she would. Women actually dont believe other women. Especially about men who they have a crush on. Which OP clearly does.

I did have a crush on him for sure. But I also believe my friend. She told me he wasn't flirting but she could have been oblivious to it. He is definitely not her type at all and she is not the type to hit on men, so I highly doubt she was coming onto him. I think, if anything, she might have said something a little more rude to him than what she is telling me. I'm curious but I also mostly agree that it probably doesn't matter since he hasn't messaged me and clearly wasn't that interested. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I did have a crush on him for sure. But I also believe my friend. She told me he wasn't flirting but she could have been oblivious to it. He is definitely not her type at all and she is not the type to hit on men, so I highly doubt she was coming onto him. I think, if anything, she might have said something a little more rude to him than what she is telling me. I'm curious but I also mostly agree that it probably doesn't matter since he hasn't messaged me and clearly wasn't that interested. 

Can you confirm that he knew she was your good friend -or even a friend -when they spoke -I know you weren't there at the time.

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I did have a crush on him for sure. But I also believe my friend. She told me he wasn't flirting but she could have been oblivious to it. He is definitely not her type at all and she is not the type to hit on men, so I highly doubt she was coming onto him. I think, if anything, she might have said something a little more rude to him than what she is telling me. I'm curious but I also mostly agree that it probably doesn't matter since he hasn't messaged me and clearly wasn't that interested. 

But thing is, he might have lost interest even if your friend wasn't there. You're assuming the problem was only your friend but it might be almost unrelated. I mean, when people date you, they don't necessarily act disinterested straight away. They're giving you a chance so they see you and they reply to your messages. But as time goes on they might be realising that they're "not feeling it". So to you it seems sudden but THEY probably felt it for some time. And I think the path this guy decided to take is to ghost or slow fade you. Rather than just tell you that he's not interested.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Can you confirm that he knew she was your good friend -or even a friend -when they spoke -I know you weren't there at the time.

I would say if he pays attention to detail then yes. I mentioned her several times in prior convos because she also used to be my legal assistant but recently took a new job. But he was also impaired when he met her. She's also like 10 years older not that that matters much but just in case it adds context.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

But thing is, he might have lost interest even if your friend wasn't there. You're assuming the problem was only your friend but it might be almost unrelated. I mean, when people date you, they don't necessarily act disinterested straight away. They're giving you a chance so they see you and they reply to your messages. But as time goes on they might be realising that they're "not feeling it". So to you it seems sudden but THEY probably felt it for some time. And I think the path this guy decided to take is to ghost or slow fade you. Rather than just tell you that he's not interested.

Maybe. I think he was interested in me but only sexually. He wouldn't have left his friends to meet me at a bar if he had already lost interest IMO. I also don't assume it was only my friend that made him lose interest. That just happened to be the triggering event to the end of our connection. I'm just having a hard time understanding what happened and/or coming to terms with it for some reason. I find it kind of comforting that many people have different takes on here because it makes me feel like my confusion is at least somewhat warranted. At least we have all come to the consensus that his behavior was untoward at the very least lol 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Still doesn't justify him calling her friend the C word though, something about a woman being referred to that way feels utterly repulsive to me. 

Well, no, obviously not. I certainly didn't imply as much, either. 

My point was that I am quite sure there is more this friend is intentionally playing dumb about. Whether that's to protect OP or her own skin, I don't think OP will ever really know. 

OP, either way, this is done. It is going to be better to move along and leave him behind you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, no, obviously not. I certainly didn't imply as much, either. 

I didn't mean to imply you were MC.

My opinion about him calling her friend the C word was not meant to detract or diminish from your point which I had agreed with.   

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

My point was that I am quite sure there is more this friend is intentionally playing dumb about. Whether that's to protect OP or her own skin, I don't think OP will ever really know. 

Yes and I agreed with you about that and posted as such, twice. 

And I still feel that way!

Anyway, good luck @moodindigo91; hope you're feeling better today.

Hang in, time heals. 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I would say if he pays attention to detail then yes. I mentioned her several times in prior convos because she also used to be my legal assistant but recently took a new job. But he was also impaired when he met her. She's also like 10 years older not that that matters much but just in case it adds context.

Did you two actually go on dates -that night was just a meet up based on last minute convenience right? The plan was to meet up at a bar and he had been at a bar and then leave at the end of the night to  go to your place and hook up.  So maybe between being drunk and having gone out of his way to meet you where you were he had low tolerance for any nonsense -which isn't right- he should be a mature adult- but he came to you in order to go home with you after maybe hanging out a bit at a different bar -and he left his friends for you I guess.

   I'd avoid maybe having someone you just have known for a short time where you're kind of meeting up/hanging out/hooking up from meeting good friends unless you briefly run into them.  Just to be cautious. Sorry if I read wrong and he was taking you out on dates/you two were planning actual dates together. This is also because friends can have um interesting reactions depending on context and if alcohol is involved... I don't think the age matters in this situation.

[moodindigo91]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Did you two actually go on dates -that night was just a meet up based on last minute convenience right? The plan was to meet up at a bar and he had been at a bar and then leave at the end of the night to  go to your place and hook up.  So maybe between being drunk and having gone out of his way to meet you where you were he had low tolerance for any nonsense -which isn't right- he should be a mature adult- but he came to you in order to go home with you after maybe hanging out a bit at a different bar -and he left his friends for you I guess.

   I'd avoid maybe having someone you just have known for a short time where you're kind of meeting up/hanging out/hooking up from meeting good friends unless you briefly run into them.  Just to be cautious. Sorry if I read wrong and he was taking you out on dates/you two were planning actual dates together. This is also because friends can have um interesting reactions depending on context and if alcohol is involved... I don't think the age matters in this situation.

Yes, you are correct. We were both out separately with friends and he came to meet me at a bar to go home (his or mine) after. We planned one date together which was our first, after that, he said he wanted to watch this new series on Netflix and we planned a night in at my place with wine and food and we watched the show together. Then after that, basically he would come over like 2-3x a week for about a month. We were not actively planning any dates. 

I think you're right. I think he was already pretty drunk when he met me at that bar, and when my friend shut him down, he basically figured he didn't have to deal with it and wanted to leave, which I can understand. I still think his reaction was too dramatic. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yes, you are correct. We were both out separately with friends and he came to meet me at a bar to go home (his or mine) after. We planned one date together which was our first, after that, he said he wanted to watch this new series on Netflix and we planned a night in at my place with wine and food and we watched the show together. Then after that, basically he would come over like 2-3x a week for about a month. We were not actively planning any dates. 

I think you're right. I think he was already pretty drunk when he met me at that bar, and when my friend shut him down, he basically figured he didn't have to deal with it and wanted to leave, which I can understand. I still think his reaction was too dramatic. 

I think calling your friend that name was totally uncalled for and unacceptable.  I think you never made him put in effort to see you so he probably felt comfortable just leaving on a whim.  I think men in particular -sorry if sexist -value their new date more if they've taken the time to plan the date in advance whether expensive or free or in between.  I mean he knew he wasn't leaving you alone at the bar but all he had to do to see you was go to a different bar and continue drinking.  And I know you know/realize this now!!

[rainbowsandroses]

@moodindigo91I was thinking about this last night and another possibility came to mind.  

I post this only because it happened to me and I know of other women to whom it happened as well. 

How good a friend is she?  You stated earlier she used to be your legal assistant?  Did I read that correctly?

You also posted she's 10 years older.  Older than you, older than him?

Is she attractive, does she have as many options as you have? 

What I'm getting at is did you ever sense jealousy from her towards you?  

Reason I ask is because many years ago when I was dating my long term boyfriend at the time (we were living together actually), we went to a party and he and a woman I thought was my friend were talking.

When we got home I asked him if he enjoyed talking to my "friend" and what he thought of her. 

She was a new friend and he had never met her before. 

He responded kind of angrily and said "I'd rather not say, but she is NO friend."

I probed a bit further and he ended telling me she had some not very kind things to say about me and attempted to paint me in a bad light. 

Asking if he knew about my Bipolar and how many men I've dated and implied I was a bit "loose."  Among other things. 

He paid it no mind.

We had been together four years and he knew me and my character well. 

Versus you and your guy who have basically been FWB for only a month and have not developed trust yet. 

Anyway, the whole thing pissed him off that she was claiming to be my "friend" when he sensed her attempt to sabotage us and our relationship.

Course again we'd been together four years by then and had developed a foundation of trust. 

Had it been only a month wherein he didn't really know me, his reaction might have been quite different.

Anyway, I eventually confronted her and she didn't deny, began crying and did claim to be jealous. 

It was quite dramatic which I won't get into to but I chose after that to no longer interact with her. 

I'm not saying this is what happened, as I said I have no idea, just presenting it as a possibility like other opinions presented. 

But it would explain why imo after you asked she essentially responded she doesn't remember even though she DID remember he asked her if she had siblings. 

Something sounds off about that, like she's hiding something.

Especially since she told you he was not flirting. Apparently she remembered that too. 

But everything else she doesn't remember? 

I dunno again JMO.