moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 4 minutes ago, Batya33 said: OK. And that was ok with you as far as long term potential? Maybe so -totally fine if so. I dated someone like that in my 20s - total hottie lol. It was and became way too much for me and put me in danger once. He ended up needing I believe rehab of some sort in his 40s/early 50s- we are still in touch -we are in our late 50s now. I do know of happy couples who drink that regularly so no judgment here. However might explain why he reacted as he did -he chooses to drink and perhaps it brings out these sides of him where he uses disgusting language about women. But I'm sure he knows of those tendencies of his. I wasn't sure yet. I will say, I was uncertain about a lot of things about him but I guess I was okay with the no-pressure kind of way things were. But his drinking was limited to weekends and he's otherwise sober and responsible. I didn't really see how the drinking could cause issues until Friday 😅 I think you're right, it probably brings out nasty parts of him that I was otherwise unaware of. I can't say I had any real expectations for this connection but I did have some hope. I think my feelings right now have less to do with him personally and more to do with how I feel generally about my love life and the decisions I've made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 All this texting If you wanted to know, call him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophiaG Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 9 hours ago, moodindigo91 said: he thinks she is a c-nt He sounds like a *** honestly. If he has to ditch you like that without elaboration and send a half-assed "apology" next day I don't think your response was particularly cold at all. It matches his energy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 OK, first of all, I hate people using the "c word". And what I'd hate even more is someone calling my friends the "C" word! Is this a good friend of yours? In all honesty, unless she was super rude, this guy acted like a total jerk. I mean, he called her that and then he just ditched you. And even if let's say the guy was a decent person, he clearly seemed to hate your friend to the point of leaving the bar. If this is your close friend and he's just a guy you hooked up for a month. Who do you think you'd choose, your actual good friend or your hookup? Especially a hookup who acted super rude. I don't actually think that this guy was that into you all along. It probably was just a hookup for him and when he didn't like your friend, he just dumped you. Like, he didn't like you enough to bother to act civil towards your friend. Or to act civil towards you for that matter. Honestly I think it's for the best he's gone. I think he's not that interested and he made that clear. And even if he just wanted sex but literally he called your friend the worst word there is! He's not even smart enough to play his cards right to get sex lol 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 What questions did he ask your friend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 11 hours ago, moodindigo91 said: I wasn't sure yet. I will say, I was uncertain about a lot of things about him but I guess I was okay with the no-pressure kind of way things were. But his drinking was limited to weekends and he's otherwise sober and responsible. I didn't really see how the drinking could cause issues until Friday 😅 I think you're right, it probably brings out nasty parts of him that I was otherwise unaware of. I can't say I had any real expectations for this connection but I did have some hope. I think my feelings right now have less to do with him personally and more to do with how I feel generally about my love life and the decisions I've made. I think that's great insight -your last sentence. Every weekend would be a dealbreaker for me personally (and it wasn't in my 20s). Especially if the person knew when he chose to drink he risked acting as he did. Of course you were unaware -he is someone you didn't know well. You have to get to know someone over a period of months and longer IMO to see how they react to typical life situations, good and bad. I agree if you had no real expectations it matters a lot less what kind of values he has. I think if you want a love life that includes potential for a serious relationship -not just a "connection" or someone you can't stop talking to for hours one particular day when things are shiny and new -then I'd invest in getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time and sober for the most part. It might be less exciting if to you excitement is this insta-connection followed by really fun thrilling sex - but often if you truly want -and I mean truly -to get to know a person in every way - including sexually -but with the goal (not just the "hope") of the long term- the effort of being patient and letting things grow at a reasonable pace over months will be worth it. Like I said a one night stand can be the memory a couple happily married 25 years have of their first "connection" (I know of a couple like this) and people in arranged marriages can be very happy -I'm talking about increasing the odds and lessening the risk of you feeling generally meh or bad about your love life. I have a friend in her 60s raising a teen as a single mom -her partner who she was on the outs with died a couple of years ago suddenly. Now she wants to date again. She is very attractive and slim and very smart and successful. But she only wants to date men who look a specific way -she showed me photos and the celebrity who is her heart throb -and she is on Bumble and Hinge the last month. She only wants romance and dating -no marriage no relationship. I gotta hand it to her -the woman knows what she wants and she's cool on her own. I don't think she will find this person and I fear that she will encounter many jerks as men in her age range (which she is looking at) who look like that probably would go for a younger woman I'd think? Anyway - even though I don't relate to her goal I like her self-honesty -she gets what the downsides are. I hope you get to that place -because it may be that you're getting in your own way of serious relationships for a good reason -maybe right now you really don't want one for whatever reason -try to get to whatever the truth is. I got in my own way plenty and when I figured out more about why I made better choices. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 11 hours ago, Tinydance said: If this is your close friend and he's just a guy you hooked up for a month. Who do you think you'd choose, your actual good friend or your hookup? Especially a hookup who acted super rude. Yeah, I mean, there was really never a "choice" between them. I guess I just read that connection entirely wrong, and when that went down I was confused and I don't know. I really did not like him that much, I guess I just liked the idea of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 9 hours ago, MissCanuck said: What questions did he ask your friend? She can't remember, but they were personal, like how old she is, how many siblings, things like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 1 minute ago, moodindigo91 said: She can't remember, but they were personal, like how old she is, how many siblings, things like that. Well if it really was those particular questions, I don't necessarily think that they're that personal. If it was something like "What's your sexuality?" then I see that as more personal. Asking how many siblings she has to me seems like just trying to make small talk. So maybe your friend came across as very abrupt when she refuses to answer the questions. However if this guy actually really liked you, I don't think he'd just ditch you for good because of your friend. I mean, you are not your friend. He wasn't dating your friend, he was dating you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 3 hours ago, Batya33 said: I hope you get to that place -because it may be that you're getting in your own way of serious relationships for a good reason Yeah, I am wondering this myself. I think I'm trying to fill a void and I think filling it will make me happy. As the days pass I am realizing I was not really into that guy, I liked the fact that he was there during the times I felt the most lonely and wasn't there when I was busy going about my personal life. I'm off dating apps for now. I'm going to opt to do other things like take classes for now to try to curb my loneliness, and go from there. I think this thread has offered me tremendous insight into myself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 10 minutes ago, Tinydance said: He wasn't dating your friend, he was dating you. Yes, I thought this, too. Until I realized he wasn't "dating" me at all lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 11 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said: Yes, I thought this, too. Until I realized he wasn't "dating" me at all lol Well it seems that the connection you felt just wasn't mutual. It was unrequited. This does happen often with online dating. If you want a partner I don't think you necessarily have to go off the dating apps. That was one bad experience but that doesn't necessarily mean that all your dating experiences will be the same. But if you genuinely want to take a break from dating that's totally fine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 15 minutes ago, Tinydance said: Well it seems that the connection you felt just wasn't mutual. Yeah, it just felt very mutual until that moment. It was one bad experience followed by multiple failed relationships and mistakes. I think I just need to adjust my expectations and take it slow. I don't want to go on dates right now, I just want to find some inner peace. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 Hey @moodindigo91just a couple more thoughts. Starting off with I do think he was an a$$ for calling your friend a c***, no question! That was extremely low level and any man who refers to a woman that way no matter how offensive he thinks she was has extremely poor character. I'm shocked he's in his late 50s, but whatever. Like I said that alone would be a dealbreaker for me after only one month of casual dating/FWB. Second, I don't think him leaving was all that bad; he did not abandon you and "leave you there," you were not on a date. You were with your friends and he was with his friends. He texted and met you there per your original post. It was not a planned date or meet. And after he left, you went back and had a great time with your friends! He called and apologized, which given the fact you were not even on a date, was fine imo, I don't think it was "lame-a$$" at all. From my read, it was a brief but very polite apology. Thirdly, re what went down with your friend, something is missing imo. I find it extremely hard to believe him asking her how old she is and how many siblings she has and her replying she is uncomfortable with those questions would result in him suddenly leaving and calling her a c***? You're not getting the whole story from her imo and her response when you asked saying she doesn't remember is also telling. Who doesn't remember a conversation from only a few days ago? In any event, you claim now you were not all that into him anyway which if I were to venture a guess, he sensed as well. I have NO idea how HE felt or feels, he's not here and I'm not a mind reader. And you never reached out to talk so that's that. Which given his use of the "c" word to describe your friend no matter what was said between them is for the best! I think it's great you're seeking therapy to unravel all this, it's time. I hope you can find some closure and that you feel better soon. Keep posting here for support if it helps and good luck! 💛 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Hey @moodindigo91just a couple more thoughts. Starting off with I do think he was an a$$ for calling your friend a c***, no question! That was extremely low level and any man who refers to a woman that way no matter how offensive he thinks she was has extremely poor character. I'm shocked he's in his late 50s, but whatever. Like I said that alone would be a dealbreaker for me after only one month of casual dating/FWB. Second, I don't think him leaving was all that bad; he did not abandon you and "leave you there," you were not on a date. You were with your friends and he was with his friends. He texted and met you there per your original post. It was not a planned date or meet. And after he left, you went back and had a great time with your friends! He called and apologized, which given the fact you were not even on a date, was fine imo, I don't think it was "lame-a$$" at all. From my read, it was a brief but very polite apology. Thirdly, re what went down with your friend, something is missing imo. I find it extremely hard to believe him asking her how old she is and how many siblings she has and her replying she is uncomfortable with those questions would result in him suddenly leaving and calling her a c***? You're not getting the whole story from her imo and her response when you asked saying she doesn't remember is also telling. Who doesn't remember a conversation from only a few days ago? In any event, you claim now you were not all that into him anyway which if I were to venture a guess, he sensed as well. I have NO idea how HE felt or feels, he's not here and I'm not a mind reader. And you never reached out to talk so that's that. Which given his use of the "c" word to describe your friend no matter what was said between them is for the best! I think it's great you're seeking therapy to unravel all this, it's time. I hope you can find some closure and that you feel better soon. Keep posting here for support if it helps and good luck! 💛 He was in his 50's?? I seem to have missed that part! I was literally picturing people in their 20's lol 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Hey @moodindigo91just a couple more thoughts. Starting off with I do think he was an a$$ for calling your friend a c***, no question! That was extremely low level and any man who refers to a woman that way no matter how offensive he thinks she was has extremely poor character. I'm shocked he's in his late 50s, but whatever. Like I said that alone would be a dealbreaker for me after only one month of casual dating/FWB. Second, I don't think him leaving was all that bad; he did not abandon you and "leave you there," you were not on a date. You were with your friends and he was with his friends. He texted and met you there per your original post. It was not a planned date or meet. And after he left, you went back and had a great time with your friends! He called and apologized, which given the fact you were not even on a date, was fine imo, I don't think it was "lame-a$$" at all. From my read, it was a brief but very polite apology. Thirdly, re what went down with your friend, something is missing imo. I find it extremely hard to believe him asking her how old she is and how many siblings she has and her replying she is uncomfortable with those questions would result in him suddenly leaving and calling her a c***? You're not getting the whole story from her imo and her response when you asked saying she doesn't remember is also telling. Who doesn't remember a conversation from only a few days ago? In any event, you claim now you were not all that into him anyway which if I were to venture a guess, he sensed as well. I have NO idea how HE felt or feels, he's not here and I'm not a mind reader. And you never reached out to talk so that's that. Which given his use of the "c" word to describe your friend no matter what was said between them is for the best! I think it's great you're seeking therapy to unravel all this, it's time. I hope you can find some closure and that you feel better soon. Keep posting here for support if it helps and good luck! 💛 Thank you! He's 36 but I agree, his reaction wasn't warranted just based on what my friend told me about what happened. I didn't reach out to him for his side of the story... but I feel like he should have offered an explanation. I do also feel unsettled that I am not able to get the full details from my friend. I tend to believe her when she says she doesn't really remember but I do feel like some other words were exchanged. I don't know. You're right that he did not abandon me, I just felt abandoned, it triggered that feeling. We both openly told each other how "into" each other we were often but, we never defined what that meant. To be honest, I'm really not sure what my feelings were toward him. I guess I was just sorting through them when it abruptly ended in what felt like a very dramatic way. This whole experience has got me upside down. Not to mention, I got off that app (where I did not have my full name), and some man I talked to extremely briefly weeks ago on there and never met or gave my number to somehow found me online and called my work number yesterday! I am having the weirdest time with this whole thing LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 9 minutes ago, Tinydance said: He was in his 50's?? I seem to have missed that part! I was literally picturing people in their 20's lol LOL no he is 36. I think someone else was mentioning a woman who was dating men in their 50s. I'm in my early 30s, he is 36. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 4 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said: LOL no he is 36. I think someone else was mentioning a woman who was dating men in their 50s. I'm in my early 30s, he is 36. Sorry!! I must have mixed him up with another's poster's boyfriend! I😳 Thanks for clarifying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said: I do also feel unsettled that I am not able to get the full details from my friend. I tend to believe her when she says she doesn't really remember I don't know, OP. I don't think your friend is being upfront with you. She doesn't remember what led to this guy getting so upset that he stormed off? Yeah, I'm going to call BS on that. 4 hours ago, moodindigo91 said: She can't remember, but they were personal, like how old she is, how many siblings, things like that. So, she can't remember but at the same time remembers examples of what he asked her? And the questions she apparently remembers are essentially small talk? That doesn't make sense. I think she knows perfectly well what he said, what she said, and why he suddenly got mad and left. But for whatever reason, she isn't telling you. just my take. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: That doesn't make sense. I think she knows perfectly well what he said, what she said, and why he suddenly got mad and left. But for whatever reason, she isn't telling you. just my take. Ya, I agree. It's bothering me. But I still don't know if reaching out to him will solve anything. Because even though I think she's not being up front with me, I also think his behavior was concerning. I'm so torn lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 54 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: But for whatever reason, she isn't telling you. just my take. It's not just your take MC, I think and posted the same. Still doesn't justify him calling her friend the C word though, something about a woman being referred to that way feels utterly repulsive to me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 34 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said: Ya, I agree. It's bothering me. But I still don't know if reaching out to him will solve anything. Because even though I think she's not being up front with me, I also think his behavior was concerning. I'm so torn lol Well if you reach out, it doesn't mean you have to continue seeing him. It's all so up in the air and if you don't, this will continue to eat at you, you'll always wondering about it. You keep changing your stance re your feelings but it sounds to me like this man made a significant imprint on you no matter how brief. If me, I think I'd want to at least hear his side for nothing more than peace of mind. Your call though, jmo. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Well if you reach out, it doesn't mean you have to continue seeing him. It's all so up in the air and if you don't, this will continue to eat at you, you'll always wondering about it. You keep changing your stance re your feelings but it sounds to me like this man had a significant impact on you no matter how brief. If me, I think I'd want to at least hear his side for nothing more than peace of mind. Your call though, jmo. Also because it might inform you for next time you are dating someone and are ready for this friend to meet them. In 2005 my friend invited me to meet her at a local bar with some of her friends. I casually knew one of the guys. He brought his younger brother who I didn’t know and who was very handsome. Just - I noticed this. Not interested - he likely was in his early 30s or late 20s. We started a conversation one on one as I was maybe waiting for a drink. Within a few minutes he started describing in detail the oral sex a random woman had given him the night before. I was repulsed. I told him directly “I don’t want to hear about this let’s change the subject”. We did for a minute or so. Then socialized. I wasn’t sure if he’d been drinking. I had not. And was not. A couple of minutes later he started speaking to me again and again mentioend the oral sex. At that point I either walked away or reminded him of what I’d said and then walked away. The friend who invited me mentioned to me how cute the brother was. Oh and so so successful etc. She was friends with both brothers. I told her what happened and how offensive he was in what he said. She refused to believe my description because - oh he’s so cute and I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Right. Point is - when it’s that bad you don’t forget especially if it’s the first convo and quite often in that situation it’s brushed aside by the friend especially if the man is “so cute”. I didn’t refer to him as the male version of the c word but made it clear I didn’t want to be around him ever again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrina Posted October 3 Popular Post Share Posted October 3 I have a feeling/theory the guy had an interest in your friend that went beyond the normal pleasantries of having the polite interaction one would expect. It was probably the way he was looking at her and his vibe. To me, it's normal for a new date to ask me if I have siblings, but it'd be weird if I met his friend a month later and that friend had any interest in if I had siblings or not. I think his friend might ask me where I work, but not really have interest in knowing all the other things a date would ask. I'm used to just have things revealed if the topic comes up. I know I really don't care if my husband's friend has siblings, but if the guy brings something interesting up about said sibling, I'm happy to listen. When your guy saw your friend wasn't going to faun all over him and that she saw right through him, he got pissed. Just my guess. Since he's a jerk, anybody is fair game. Didn't matter that she's your friend, since some supposed friends aren't loyal, and he was betting on that but he was wrong. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LootieTootie Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 Me thinks he liked your friend and your friend wasn't having it - maybe out of respect for you or/and didnt care for him. It happens when FWBs hang out with FWBS entourage and your FWB go "oh, maybe another FWB to add?" Any way, I think both of them are not straight with you and thats fine because it just shows that they arent honest people. I love your introspection from it all tho, Moonindigo. I think classes or maybe even try meetup groups. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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