Having a Hard Time Over Some Random Guy

[moodindigo91]

So, I decided about a month, a little more, ago that I would try out a dating app and made a profile. A week in, I set up two dates but I felt way more connected to the guy I set up the second first date with. I went on the first first date, and on the way home, I ended up speaking to the other guy on the phone for almost 2 hours. It was wonderful. The next day, we went on our first date. People around us were surprised to find out it was our first date. I liked that. I ended up staying the night at his place, and the next morning he took me for coffee and drove me home. After that, we spent a lot of time together for a month. A lot of it was at my place. He'd come over at night after we were both done with our daily chores, and we'd chat, eat, watch something or listen to music, go to bed and the next morning we'd wake up and go about our separate routines. There were some minor red flags, mostly that I felt it was mostly a sexual thing for him, but I was enjoying it. 

Anyway, last Friday, I was out with friends in his city and he was also out with his friends. Somewhere along the line, he texted me asking basically if I wanted to hook up. I said yes, so he came to where I was, met my friend, and we all went to another bar together. Once we got to that bar, I was in line for drinks, and he told me what he wanted and walked away to talk to my friend. Five minutes later, he's walking out of the bar saying he didn't like my friend. So I follow him out just to get the story and he was very vague, but he walked away and left me there. So I went back into the bar and proceeded to have a good, fun night and met a lot of wonderful people. The next day, he sent me a text that said 

"Hey, sorry about last night. I hope you had a good rest of your night." 

I replied, "It is what it is. I'm glad you came out anyways. I'm sorry it turned out that way." 

He never texted me back. I am just feeling a little dejected. I know the dating life isn't easy but I felt a really good connection with him. But now I feel like I was misinterpreting things to fit my own hopes. I feel silly because I barely know the guy. But it just felt very unexpected. I was less sad when I ended my relationship with a man I've been with off and on for 5 years. This feels kinda ridiculous because it was only a month together. But I felt so carefree and comfortable during that time. Anyways, I've been thinking about texting him, just to say my peace. I don't really want to hear back from him. I just feel like it would help me gain closure and be able to move on and find the right partner. Right now, I feel like pushing everyone away. Any thoughts are appreciated! 

[Kwothe28]

47 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

was less sad when I ended my relationship with a man I've been with off and on for 5 years.

Crypto guy that wanted to move to Greece as I remeber?

Anyway its clear to me that new guy just wanted a hookup. As soon as they just want to come and go to your place or theirs, that is a hookup, not a relationship. Anyway, lots od women make that mistake. You see emotional connection right away and sleep with the man and expect more later because of that connection. While for us men, it doesnt work in that way. We either see you as “relationship material” or “hookup material”. There is usually no “in between”. He saw you as a second. Sorry.

You enjoyed it so OK. But try not to get emotionally invested into men who just want to sleep with you. Because as you can see, its easy to get dissapointed when they just leave. Also

47 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Anyways, I've been thinking about texting him, just to say my peace. I don't really want to hear back from him. I just feel like it would help me gain closure and be able to move on and find the right partner.

Please dont. I talked on some other thread I think yesterday about it, but sometimes the best closures are the ones we can give to ourselves. You are maybe hoping he would text you back after or say something nice. In lots of cases you wont get that. Especially after some hookup. Besides what would you say? “You meant so much to me and you just left and that hurt me”? To a guy who you hooked up for a month? That wont help you get your confidence back. That would just sink it even further. Delete and block and move on with your life. This guy wasnt it, the next one maybe will be.

 

[Batya33]

I would look at it as -high risk the way you approached this with this guy of it not becoming a serious relationship.  But the benefit is you had fun, you enjoyed the sex and hanging out and you didn't have to have real talks about future intentions.  Obviously there are marriages that start out with one night stands. But all else equal most people who meet and immediately or almost immediately go to hanging out and hooking up will likely crash and burn especially if there is tons of chemistry - the infatuation and sex fuels it and it is a fun insta-relationship but most often no long term potential and most often the woman risks feeling "used" and gets jaded about "men."  But I would cherish the memories and the fun and if it hurts a lot maybe make a different choice next time -or not! You know the risks and benefit.  I hope you feel better and no I wouldn't text him or contact.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I was in line for drinks, and he told me what he wanted and walked away to talk to my friend. Five minutes later, he's walking out of the bar saying he didn't like my friend.

Did you ever find out what happened with your friend?  Why he didn't like her? 

What did your friend say about it? 

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

Hey, sorry about last night. I hope you had a good rest of your night." 

I replied, "It is what it is. I'm glad you came out anyways. I'm sorry it turned out that way." 

I am not defending his actions of leaving you at the bar or his text but imo your response was quite cold, it almost reads like you dumped him!

HE might have interpreted that way which is why you haven't heard from him. 

I don't know but it's a possibility without hearing HIS side and what happened with your friend.

To me, this sounds like more than he only wanted a hook up.

Something happened that night at the bar with your friend that triggered his leaving, he texted you afterwards and apologized, and your response was again a bit cold imho. 

 

[Batya33]

Good point about the friend but unless the friend was like violent or similar I don't understand why he left completely -and suddenly -why not tell you he was upset and getting some air and/or ask if he could meet up later when you were done with your friend. What did your friend say? It sounds like you two were not on a planned date so he came to meet up with you to hook up later in the night and I guess he went back to where his friends were? Had you met his friends? Also why didn't you ask him what happened etc or asked him to call you to discuss?

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also why didn't you ask him what happened etc or asked him to call you to discuss?

Agree^^ or at the very least find out from your friend what happened?

Also you claim to really like him but yet after he left obviously upset, you went back into the bar and partied and had a wonderful time? 

I dunno, I wouldn't have been able to do that, I'd be talking to him to find out what happened!

Did she grope him or something?  Come on to him?

How good of a friend is she? 

More context would be helpful.

 

[moodindigo91]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Did you ever find out what happened with your friend?  Why he didn't like her? 

What did your friend say about it?

So, she just said that he was asking her a lot of personal questions that she didn't feel comfortable answering. I know she can come off as pretty blunt, and apparently she told him something like, I don't want to answer these questions right now, maybe when you and my friend get more serious, we can talk then. 

 

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not defending his actions of leaving you at the bar or his text but imo your response was quite cold, it almost reads like you dumped him!

I was thinking this, too. Kind of what triggered this post. 

 

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Good point about the friend but unless the friend was like violent or similar I don't understand why he left completely -and suddenly -why not tell you he was upset and getting some air and/or ask if he could meet up later when you were done with your friend. What did your friend say? It sounds like you two were not on a planned date so he came to meet up with you to hook up later in the night and I guess he went back to where his friends were? Had you met his friends? Also why didn't you ask him what happened etc or asked him to call you to discuss?

I agree, even if she was blunt with him, it didn't garner that reaction. I did physically follow him out of the bar and we sat on a bench and I asked him what happened. He said he didn't like my friend, I asked why, what did she say, etc. He didn't want to elaborate and said he thinks she is a c-nt and that he just realized he wanted to go home and go to sleep but he wanted me to go back in and have fun. Then I reiterated that I liked him, he said he liked me too, but he ended up walking away. I assume he went home but I am not sure. I've never met his friends and that's the first time he met one of mine (which wasn't planned as you said). I thought about asking him more about what happened, but I also felt triggered by the way he left and now I've been sitting on it for days wondering if my response to him was off and I missed out or if it was best to just let him walk away. I would have expected a little more effort on his part if he really liked me, even if my response came off kind of cold. 

[moodindigo91]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Also you claim to really like him but yet after he left obviously upset, you went back into the bar and partied and had a wonderful time? 

I dunno, I wouldn't have been able to do that, I'd be talking to him to find out what happened!

To be fair, I offered to go somewhere else with him, or even go home with him outside the bar, and he declined. He said he wanted to go home and sleep. I guess I didn't want to put myself on the line if he was so willing to just leave. I did try to find out what happened and he wasn't telling me. There was not much else I could do but let him walk away.

And also to be fair, I only had a wonderful time because I returned to the bar and literally cried about it, and that allowed me to meet some lovely people who surrounded themselves around me and offered comfort and support. Complete strangers. It was wonderful. But the next day, I was feeling horribly rejected which is probably what caused my response to be kind of cold. 

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How good of a friend is she? 

She didn't come onto him, and she said he was not flirting with her. She's a great friend, very close. But she is a little standoffish for sure, which I acknowledged to him outside the bar. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

To be fair, I offered to go somewhere else with him, or even go home with him outside the bar, and he declined. He said he wanted to go home and sleep. I guess I didn't want to put myself on the line if he was so willing to just leave. I did try to find out what happened and he wasn't telling me. There was not much else I could do but let him walk away.

And also to be fair, I only had a wonderful time because I returned to the bar and literally cried about it, and that allowed me to meet some lovely people who surrounded themselves around me and offered comfort and support. Complete strangers. It was wonderful. But the next day, I was feeling horribly rejected which is probably what caused my response to be kind of cold. 

She didn't come onto him, and she said he was not flirting with her. She's a great friend, very close. But she is a little standoffish for sure, which I acknowledged to him outside the bar. 

Fair enough, thank you for the additional context. 

I'm not sure what to think but IF this were me I'd reach out one last time and ask to talk.   Don't get into discussing over text, ask to talk in person. 

If he doesn't respond or has excuses, move on. 

Remember time heals and I speak from experience when saying that!

Good luck. 

[moodindigo91]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Remember time heals and I speak from experience when saying that!

Good luck.

Thank you 🙂 I was originally thinking of just sending a text sorta saying my peace, which just would have been that I am disappointed at how this connection turned out, but that in the short time I knew him I had a very freeing feeling and so I appreciated that time and you know, good luck in life sorta thing. But now maybe I'm thinking of just seeing if he would be willing to talk a bit more about it. 

There's definitely no shortage of prospects but Idk I feel oddly upset about this one lol 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Thank you 🙂 I was originally thinking of just sending a text sorta saying my peace, which just would have been that I am disappointed at how this connection turned out, but that in the short time I knew him I had a very freeing feeling and so I appreciated that time and you know, good luck in life sorta thing. But now maybe I'm thinking of just seeing if he would be willing to talk a bit more about it. 

If you'd like to continue seeing him/dating him/having sex with him, if me I'd do what's in bold and let chips fall where they may. 

If you don't want to continue seeing him, say nothing and let it go. 

JMO, it's up to you. 

Again, good luck!

 

 

[Batya33]

So to follow up on what's written above- so - this isn't one of those "ghosting" things because there was a specific, triggering event.  I really appreciated Moodindigo providing the additional context. I think it's VERY RUDE of him to call her that offensive disgusting name in front of you.  She did not attack him or get violent or abusive etc where he was shook up  to an extent of blurting out a name.  

Honestly I personally side with your friend if she told him to back off.  Why was he asking her all of that?? Sure maybe she was blunt but -- -I get it!

OK sure you can reach out to him again but I am concerned that he'd call her what he did in front of you knowing she's a good friend.

When I was in my early 30s my now husband introduced me to a friend -a guy -someone he grew up with.  Anyway this guy was obnoxious making tons of sexist comments and otherwise being standoffish.  He said for example that a woman should walk behind her man.  Yup.  So I said "well I'd feel sorry for any woman who had to have a view of you from the back" or something like that.  A true zinger.  He deserved it IMO and my then boyfriend totally understood.  I did not leave but I told him I didn't want to be around him again.  He got really weird over the next several years -the guy -so my boyfriend didn't see much of him after.  But we were serious/exclusive bf/gf.  I think this guy felt freer to leave because you two were not on a date, you were with your friends and he hasn't known you long -first time he met your friends, right?

 

[moodindigo91]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But we were serious/exclusive bf/gf.  I think this guy felt freer to leave because you two were not on a date, you were with your friends and he hasn't known you long -first time he met your friends, right?

Right. He was drunk (not that this is an excuse - we were all drunk), but I also have a feeling that I'm not getting the full story from my friend. And I think she is having a hard time remembering all the details as well. I just hate not knowing. He was triggered by something, and watching him walk away triggered bad memories for me of when my ex ditched me when I finished law school. I told him I liked him and he walked away. He did text back and apologize but he didn't offer any other explanation for what happened or like open it up to talk about it but I do feel like my response to him kind of shut down that opportunity. I just find the whole thing odd and I feel like I am in the middle of an island trying to make sense of it all lol 

[rainbowsandroses]

56 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

He didn't want to elaborate and said he thinks she is a c-nt...

Oh wow I missed this!^^

@moodindigo91 this would be a dealbreaker for me. 100%. No question!

No excuse for that.  It's just nasty. 

I'm sorry. 😞

[Wonderstruck]

Wow, this guy sounds like a creep, a misogynist, and a gigantic LOSER.

First of all, why did he think it was acceptable to badger someone he JUST MET with personal questions?

Secondly, your friend had every right to tell him that his personal questions were inappropriate and making her feel uncomfortable.

THEN, he has the audacity to storm off in a huff and call her the C-word?!

And, after all of this, you don't see any of this behaviour as glaring RED FLAGS, and you actually want to reconcile with him?

[moodindigo91]

13 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Wow, this guy sounds like a creep, a misogynist, and a gigantic LOSER.

First of all, why did he think it was acceptable to badger someone he JUST MET with personal questions?

Secondly, your friend had every right to tell him that his personal questions were inappropriate and making her feel uncomfortable.

THEN, he has the audacity to storm off in a huff and call her the C-word?!

And, after all of this, you don't see any of this behaviour as glaring RED FLAGS, and you actually want to reconcile with him?

I wouldn't say reconcile, there's nothing to reconcile. It just all seemed unexpected. And that's the story she gave me, I have no way of ascertaining the veracity of it. Idk I guess up to that one point, he was nothing like that so I feel weird about the whole thing to be honest. I sort of want to know his side if that makes sense. 

[Andrina]

Maybe change up the order you do things in the dating process. I read about the particular hormones released in a woman when she has sex with a man. It makes her want to bond with him, even if he's not right for her. The hormones released within a man are far less, so they are not effected in that way.

If long term is your goal, don't jump into bed for a few months and see if a man is patient enough to wait, while wanting to get to know you better and enjoying your company on dates outside the home.

No guarantees, but perhaps a wiser path to finding what you want. You can also use communication to ask if he's on the same page as you as to your dating style/goals. Not that a person is always truthful, but it's better to communicate rather than assume.

[moodindigo91]

50 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Maybe change up the order you do things in the dating process. I read about the particular hormones released in a woman when she has sex with a man. It makes her want to bond with him, even if he's not right for her. The hormones released within a man are far less, so they are not effected in that way.

This is intriguing! I will say, it wasn't like a plan to sleep with him on the first date. It wasn't intended at first, it just kind of naturally progressed that way. I don't normally do that, and I do think that doing it made me worry right off that bat if it doomed the connection, which I think it did. I think I'm just going to take a bit of time away from dating, see a therapist, and unpack all of this. I feel very triggered by this one event and I can't really figure out why. I am not perfect and I know the sex-on-the-first-date was a bad move, but I guess I had hope anyway. Probably misplaced. Anyway, thank you! 

[Cherylyn]

He wasn't serious about you and as long as you accept this fact,  you will be fine.  Even though you had a wonderful one month with him,  you discovered that to him,  you were merely temporary.  Being carefree and comfortable works both ways.  It's mutual in your case. 

If I were you,  I wouldn't text him for closure.  He already gave you his definition of closure which was to end it abruptly sans any type of explanation. 

I've found that any time there isn't any communication to express lack of interest or enthusiasm in any relationship,  a passive aggressive move is very telling without translation required.  If a person is truly invested in you,  they generally let you know it and if you're unimportant to them,  you're easily ignored or discarded.  This type of behavior is not unusual. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

Wow, this guy sounds like a creep, a misogynist, and a gigantic LOSER.

First of all, why did he think it was acceptable to badger someone he JUST MET with personal questions?

Secondly, your friend had every right to tell him that his personal questions were inappropriate and making her feel uncomfortable.

THEN, he has the audacity to storm off in a huff and call her the C-word?!

And, after all of this, you don't see any of this behaviour as glaring RED FLAGS, and you actually want to reconcile with him?

Nevermind  I got confused!

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

This is intriguing! I will say, it wasn't like a plan to sleep with him on the first date. It wasn't intended at first, it just kind of naturally progressed that way. I don't normally do that, and I do think that doing it made me worry right off that bat if it doomed the connection, which I think it did. I think I'm just going to take a bit of time away from dating, see a therapist, and unpack all of this. I feel very triggered by this one event and I can't really figure out why. I am not perfect and I know the sex-on-the-first-date was a bad move, but I guess I had hope anyway. Probably misplaced. Anyway, thank you! 

Very often it's not planned.  It's fine for 2 people to have sex whenever they feel comfortable as long as they're single and consenting -not omitting stuff about STDs or birth control etc but often it's not the best way to approach future potential for dating or a serious relationship.  And it can lead to jadedness/bitterness especially in women IMO.  "I was used" as a default.  

Also your time together seems to involve regular drinking/buzzed etc - are you both big "partiers?"

[moodindigo91]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also your time together seems to involve regular drinking/buzzed etc - are you both big "partiers?"

No, we were drinking on our first date but were not drunk. After that, all the time we spent was sober. The night this all happened, I was drinking with friends and he was drinking with his own friends before we met up. I actually don't drink much at all, just happened to have a lot of social things in a short sitting. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

No, we were drinking on our first date but were not drunk. After that, all the time we spent was sober. The night this all happened, I was drinking with friends and he was drinking with his own friends before we met up. I actually don't drink much at all, just happened to have a lot of social things in a short sitting. 

Oh ok and it sounds like then for him as well? I didn't think you were drunk when you had sex I meant in general you have mentioned alcohol/drinking a couple times so was wondering if that is a focus of your social life or his.  

[moodindigo91]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok and it sounds like then for him as well? I didn't think you were drunk when you had sex I meant in general you have mentioned alcohol/drinking a couple times so was wondering if that is a focus of your social life or his.

For him it was for sure! He drank every weekend from what I could tell. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

For him it was for sure! He drank every weekend from what I could tell. 

OK. And that was ok with you as far as long term potential? Maybe so -totally fine if so.  I dated someone like that in my 20s - total hottie lol.  It was and became way too much for me and put me in danger once.  He ended up needing I believe rehab of some sort in his 40s/early 50s- we are still in touch -we are in our late 50s now. I do know of happy couples who drink that regularly so no judgment here. However might explain why he reacted as he did -he chooses to drink and perhaps it brings out these sides of him where he uses disgusting language about women.  But I'm sure he knows of those tendencies of his.