Do I see him as a friend, or a lover?

[Mickey91749]

I (F20) met a boy (M21) at college. He’s a sweetheart. Asked me on a date, brought me flowers, paid for everything, yada yada yada. We have almost everything in common- career goals, family backgrounds, interests, etc. There’s always something to talk about. He’s adorable and so sweet. But I can’t decide if I like him romantically.

We’ve been talking about a month, made things “official” three weeks after meeting. Some days I feel like I really like him romantically, and cannot wait to see him. But others I just see him as a friend and can’t see a romantic future. He’s a different kind of guy. Not a typical jock, so nerdy. Different than anyone I’ve talked to. 
How long of this unsureness should I let last before I know if I should pursue this relationship or not?

[Coily]

On one hand, if you have doubts it's not fair to string him along.

BUT

There are times where it is healthy to have doubts and hang ups starting a relationship. Even when it's developed. I think there is too much "I have to feel constantly in love with someone" in the dating zeitgeist out there. There are going to be ups and downs; the question is at the end of the day; will you both be able to help each other? Will he look after you when you are at your worst?

Right now, give it a few more weeks and then write some pros and cons of how the relationship is going.

[Cherylyn]

If you're not sure,  he should be friend status to you otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.  You either know or you don't and if you don't,  no sense making him more than a friend to be fair to him. 

[shouldhavelearned]

A boy?

 

Is he that different from who you normally date?

Why do you go back and forth?

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Mickey91749 said:

I (F20) met a boy (M21) at college. He’s a sweetheart. Asked me on a date, brought me flowers, paid for everything, yada yada yada. We have almost everything in common- career goals, family backgrounds, interests, etc. There’s always something to talk about. He’s adorable and so sweet. But I can’t decide if I like him romantically.

We’ve been talking about a month, made things “official” three weeks after meeting. Some days I feel like I really like him romantically, and cannot wait to see him. But others I just see him as a friend and can’t see a romantic future. He’s a different kind of guy. Not a typical jock, so nerdy. Different than anyone I’ve talked to. 
How long of this unsureness should I let last before I know if I should pursue this relationship or not?

Do you find it exciting to talk/flirt to jocks because they have other women who want to date them? Is this person too full on and too "sweet" - perhaps maybe a bit of a doormat? How is it different not to be a jock - why aren't the jocks atypical? When you say talking what does this mean -you mean you're now dating exclusively for one week and prior to that you were "talking" to someone who also took you out on a date?

I married a man who is NOT a jock at all.  I married a man you would label as nerdy.  We have a son who is not into team sports -he's a young teen - but he loves playing ball for fun and he's now into weight training at school and he's  short for his age.  My husband is short too.  When I was your age I was much more focused on arm candy- having a man who other women saw as "manly" or desirable and looked darn hot on my arm -that to me was added value.  But arm candy is not attraction.

My sense is you are experiencing this man as "too nice" and "sweet" like a cute puppy but you want someone who is more push/pull, unavailable who picked you out of all the other women fawning all over his Jockness.  That's fine just don't lead him on -let him meet someone who doesn't question whether there is potential for a future relationship, who desires to be just as sweet as the sweetness of this person.  

Guess what -my husband was my fiancee twice 11 years apart because he grew up to have more confidence and more of a confident (not arrogant!) presence as he pursued his dream career, as he simply matured more - so the second time around we were far more magnetic together. We are in our late 50s and I can get annoyed with him (and vice versa!) and irritated and he is absolutely nerdy from the labeling standpoint but he's my person, my nerd and I don't question the core romantic attraction, the core reasons we are a married couple and not platonic friends.  IMO two people in a romantic relationship especially "official" deserve that level of core security with each other. 

The more you question the more this guy is going to start trying to ply you with flowers and stuff etc because he's really into you and if he's nerdy he doesn't know how to play the game.  Not as well as the jocks.  What can happen -it happened to me at your age -I chose the more of the bad boy type over a nerdy type in my early 20s.  Nerdy guy was kind of "the one who got away" - I reconnected with him years later randomly but he was already involved and while we "talked" briefly about possibly meeting up - he cancelled and  this was the right thing to do.

Don't hang on to Nerdy Guy just in case you need a backup plan, just in case you all of a sudden-whoosh -develop romantic feelings- let him go and pursue the "typical" men as you put it and perhaps you and a Jock will connect and fall in love.  Perhaps you'll realize later - he was sweet but from a needy perspective or you will realize -he was sweet but I wasn't yet the right person to find the right person -now I am. At that point if you're lucky he won't have been snapped up by a person who wasn't looking for "typical" as in "jock" but was just looking for stuff in common, passion, chemistry and hopefully true love. But let him go for now or very very soon.  JMHO. 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Mickey91749 said:

How long of this unsureness should I let last before I know if I should pursue this relationship or not?

I mean, you should at least already know whether you like somebody or not. Meaning that wanting to be romantic with somebody is a bit didferent than wanting to be a friend with somebody. In a sense that, when you want to be with somebody you usually dont have those doubts and want to be with that somebody. Want to jump on them if you are passionate about them, want to see them as much as possible and know more about them etc. Its a bit different than “Meh, I only see this person as a friend and want to talk to them but not attracted romantically”. 

My guess is that, yes, what he is selling you dont buy. He is sweet, but you dont want sweet, you want somebody who sweep you over and be more assertive. Which is fine. But just dont keep him there if you dont want him to be your boyfriend.