Coworker got a DUI that killed someone 3 days ago and is coming back tomorrow

[Seymore]

Basically what the title says. Only a couple of us higher ups know about it and can't talk about it. It was briefly covered in the news since it happened in a remote town and not local, but he got out a day later and is coming back tomorrow. 

I always got along with him but I definitely feel that's changed. I've lost a close friend to a drunk driver and am super frustrated they're allowing this, let alone the state allowing it. It's going to be hard to just go to work like nothing happened. His manager told me "he didn't do anything to any of us" but it's still hard for me to let it go.

How would you handle this?

[Coily]

That's a hard one.

So, unless you have to work directly with him, I would avoid this guy as much as possible. When you do have to deal with him, keep it professional; as that is more a reflection on you than him.

Until he is proven guilty in a court of law, no one can stop him from working. Nor should they. He may have done something you find morally repugnant, but that shouldn't stop him from being able to make a living until his trial.  You don't have to be his best co-worker, but if you make this about yourself things will get worse for you.

Me, I would just limit my interactions with the guy. I wouldn't go out of my way to draw attention to the topic either.

[Cherylyn]

I would act natural,  say, 'Good Morning' or 'hello' if passing by in the hallway,  for example.  Maintain a safe distance and remain professional always.  Don't engage in a conversation. 

[Seraphim]

I would just avoid him. He committed murder whether people like it or not . He chose to drive a car while impaired. 

[Seymore]

I agree wholeheartedly with you, Seraphim.  

I guess I just don't get how someone could do that and return to work a couple of days later.  I don't get how the law here can let someone like that go so easily.  Either way, I definitely won't say anything to anyone as it'll make the whole workplace super awkward. It will be very difficult to act natural so I will try to avoid him as best I can.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I agree wholeheartedly with you, Seraphim.  

I guess I just don't get how someone could do that and return to work a couple of days later.  I don't get how the law here can let someone like that go so easily.  Either way, I definitely won't say anything to anyone as it'll make the whole workplace super awkward. It will be very difficult to act natural so I will try to avoid him as best I can.

I commend you for knowing yourself and what you can deal with. I think distance in your case (as would be in mine!!)is the best way to handle.  I'm so sorry this happened and I totally disagree with your manager.  Of COURSE what he did "happened" to all of you - you're affected because every darn time you see him you're reminded of a life that was tragically lost for no reason.  And when people do what he did he impacted all people who hear of it. Obviously not as much as the family and friends and community of the victim -fine -but yes an impact!

[TeeDee]

5 hours ago, Seymore said:

How would you handle this?

I'm sorry that you lost a dear friend to a drunk driver.  I can't imagine the pain.  

I know this will be hard for you but put yourself in your co-worker's shoes for a minute.  He killed someone!  Not on purpose but it happened.  While under the influence he made a tragic mistake that will haunt him forever.  No punishment that the State can give when they prosecute him will ever remove that horror from his brain or soul.  

If you can't be forgiving, just avoid the co-worker.  Don't make it worse.  He won't be around long.  His life is ruined.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I'm sorry that you lost a dear friend to a drunk driver.  I can't imagine the pain.  

I know this will be hard for you but put yourself in your co-worker's shoes for a minute.  He killed someone!  Not on purpose but it happened.  While under the influence he made a tragic mistake that will haunt him forever.  No punishment that the State can give when they prosecute him will ever remove that horror from his brain or soul.  

If you can't be forgiving, just avoid the co-worker.  Don't make it worse.  He won't be around long.  His life is ruined.  

He chose to  get drunk and chose  the consequences so yes he intended it.  Unless somehow he was drugged and didn't know it or was forced to drive at gunpoint.  Not what happened. It's not just a mistake.  I cannot stand when people use I was drunk as an excuse for bad behavior let alone murder.

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I'm sorry that you lost a dear friend to a drunk driver.  I can't imagine the pain.  

I know this will be hard for you but put yourself in your co-worker's shoes for a minute.  He killed someone!  Not on purpose but it happened.  While under the influence he made a tragic mistake that will haunt him forever.  No punishment that the State can give when they prosecute him will ever remove that horror from his brain or soul.  

If you can't be forgiving, just avoid the co-worker.  Don't make it worse.  He won't be around long.  His life is ruined.  

This assumes they have the conscience to be forever haunted by guilt. However it's not uncommon that people who choose to act irresponsibly don't have the strongest moral standards.

[MissCanuck]

Avoid him as much as possible and don't engage in any conversations about it with other colleagues. 

Chances are you won't be seeing much of him soon. He's out right now because it just happened and he hasn't gone to court yet. His continued presence at work is surely going to change when he faces the justice system. 

[Dear Intuition]

This is an opportunity. First of all, the question really is how do you deal with someone who made a huge mistake in life that you’re forced in close proximity to. At any point, this could have been a family member too. So this lesson is valuable. 

You have a judgment about this person based on your values. And you have emotions about this linked to a memory of someone you loved. If you can move through the thoughts you have about your values and the emotions, what are you left with? You’re left with a person who is asking to not be judged by the fact that he’s showing up to work. He’s there for a fresh start, something every human being deserves. What you can do is understand that, and value that he is trying to move through a great difficulty. Then you can work on forgiving him. If you can forgive what he has done, you can value who he is today. (I’ve intuitied this answer because it’s what I do. Hope it helps!)

How do you forgive him? Try changing the thoughts you have about this guy, the situation he was in and its aftermath. There are several ways of looking at any one person and situation. How else can you look at this? Could you see him as a man who was in emotional pain and poor judgment and who made a huge mistake that he must live with the consequences of? Can you empathize with making a big mistake? If you can change your thoughts about him, you can change your emotions. That’s how you forgive. Then your relationship with him will be based on how you see him in this improved vision. 

Plus, if you can forgive this man, you can forgive anyone, including yourself.

[Seraphim]

Okay, but getting into a car while impaired isn’t a “ mistake” and the people who’s loved one died doesn’t get a do over .  Driving also isn’t a right , it is a privilege. He made a CHOICE to drive impaired and now come consequences and for the other party they don’t have their life . 

[TeeDee]

We don't know the circumstances.  There is a difference between a repeat offender whose BAC was .25+ and someone who had 1 mixed drink that was a heavy pour by the bartender & put them over a .08, contributing to the tragic accident.