No closure and hard time moving on

[butterfly1990]

I'm having a hard time moving on from a short-term relationship that lasted a month because I didn't get a thank you or goodbye. I sent a long goodbye and a thank you text but he never responded. I was the happiest I've been in that month that I spent with him. It was a cold breakup through a text message. Why do people give no closure or break up through text? Anyone have any experiences with this and how did you move on? Did you ever hear back from them? Thank you 🙏🏽

[SophiaG]

I've been broken up with over a text. Long story, but it was part of a tumultuous, off-and-on relationship that lasted a few years. He offered to "talk over the phone if I want" but the initial text was out of the blue and a devastating shock. When he came back in a few days he admitted that he was being a coward hiding behind a text. He was very apologetic and promised to do better. Spoiler: he didn't.

My point is not that he might come back. I regret taking my ex back - it was a useful lesson to learn, but too painful and costly. The point is people do hurtful things out of self interest and little concern for your well being. Take that as a hint of their (lack of) character and good riddance! One month is quite short and maybe he didn't see it as a relationship or as meaningful as you did. Still, it's unnecessarily cruel to be so cold and curt unless there was an ugly fallout. Why wonder what's going on in the mind of someone who proved themselves to be a selfish jerk? Focus on yourself and spend your time and energy on people and things that please you, not hurt you.

[Cherylyn]

Even though my experience is not the same as yours,  a break up of any kind is very painful.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  ☹️

People who don't give closure or break up through text,  don't care about you and they don't care about your feelings.  People who act like this lack empathy.  People who lack empathy tend to be narcissists because all they care about are themselves #1. 

Yes,  I've experienced break up via email and text which was just as bad.  Did I hear back from them?  No.

If you don't benefit some people in any capacity,  they don't have the need for you so you're easily disposable.  This is how many narcissists act.  You're easily discarded if they can't use you in any way.

How did I move on?  After thinking long and hard about this,  I looked at the silver lining or the advantage of being released meaning I've realized certain people are garbage.  If they don't bother to treat you as if you matter including when it's time to part ways,  they don't qualify nor deserve to be in your life.  Even if they didn't treat you consistently well while with you,  they're still trash.  This is the time when it's your turn to become very picky and choosy and discard people who are not worthy,  behave dishonorably and lack grace.  They're not good for you just like certain food is bad for your body.  Certain people are bad for your mind and body. 

Consider yourself lucky and blessed to eliminate certain people (namely narcissists) from your life.  They're not investing the same energy,  time and attention into you as you are for them so don't give them the time of day.  They're worth less than the dirt underneath your feet. 

Don't play and don't take 💩 from anyone.  That's what I say.  Soldier on and be good to yourself.  Take good care of your health.  Only surround yourself with very moral people.  Everyone else?  They can take a long walk on a short pier. 

[Cherylyn]

Even if I heard back from them,  once bitten twice shy.  I don't take them back.  I rebuff them.  What goes around,  comes around.  😒

[butterfly1990]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I've been broken up with over a text. Long story, but it was part of a tumultuous, off-and-on relationship that lasted a few years. He offered to "talk over the phone if I want" but the initial text was out of the blue and a devastating shock. When he came back in a few days he admitted that he was being a coward hiding behind a text. He was very apologetic and promised to do better. Spoiler: he didn't.

My point is not that he might come back. I regret taking my ex back - it was a useful lesson to learn, but too painful and costly. The point is people do hurtful things out of self interest and little concern for your well being. Take that as a hint of their (lack of) character and good riddance! One month is quite short and maybe he didn't see it as a relationship or as meaningful as you did. Still, it's unnecessarily cruel to be so cold and curt unless there was an ugly fallout. Why wonder what's going on in the mind of someone who proved themselves to be a selfish jerk? Focus on yourself and spend your time and energy on people and things that please you, not hurt you.

Thank you for sharing your story. Yeah it was not a good thing he did. I will take your advice abd focus on myself. Thank you so much 🤍✨️

[butterfly1990]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Even though my experience is not the same as yours,  a break up of any kind is very painful.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  ☹️

People who don't give closure or break up through text,  don't care about you and they don't care about your feelings.  People who act like this lack empathy.  People who lack empathy tend to be narcissists because all they care about are themselves #1. 

Yes,  I've experienced break up via email and text which was just as bad.  Did I hear back from them?  No.

If you don't benefit some people in any capacity,  they don't have the need for you so you're easily disposable.  This is how many narcissists act.  You're easily discarded if they can't use you in any way.

How did I move on?  After thinking long and hard about this,  I looked at the silver lining or the advantage of being released meaning I've realized certain people are garbage.  If they don't bother to treat you as if you matter including when it's time to part ways,  they don't qualify nor deserve to be in your life.  Even if they didn't treat you consistently well while with you,  they're still trash.  This is the time when it's your turn to become very picky and choosy and discard people who are not worthy,  behave dishonorably and lack grace.  They're not good for you just like certain food is bad for your body.  Certain people are bad for your mind and body. 

Consider yourself lucky and blessed to eliminate certain people (namely narcissists) from your life.  They're not investing the same energy,  time and attention into you as you are for them so don't give them the time of day.  They're worth less than the dirt underneath your feet. 

Don't play and don't take 💩 from anyone.  That's what I say.  Soldier on and be good to yourself.  Take good care of your health.  Only surround yourself with very moral people.  Everyone else?  They can take a long walk on a short pier. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I have dealt with many narcissists before. Wow I didn't realize that he showed possible narcissistic tendencies the way he left me. I keep obsessing over him as the best. He left me and dump me through text because I'm a virgin waiting for sex until marriage. He claimed to be this God fearing man. Yes, I will keep moving forward. Thank you so much for your advice 🙏🏽🤍

[butterfly1990]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Even if I heard back from them,  once bitten twice shy.  I don't take them back.  I rebuff them.  What goes around,  comes around.  😒

I admire your boundaries. I think I am in a vulnerable state that if he came back and wanted the same things I think I would talk to him again, but it would be hard to trust. I agree what goes around comes around

[shouldhavelearned]

Different strokes for different folks

He just displayed his immaturity and proved you can do better.

Work on having fun with friends, hobbies, or doing extra at work to keep busy. 

In time, you'll meet someone new and won't even remember the one month.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, butterfly1990 said:

Why do people give no closure or break up through text? 

Not everybody would give you closure. Sometimes people can be quite cold or just dont want to get into ankward conversations. Conversations around break up can be very ankward. For example, if he tries “Its not me, its you” he would have to explain to you how you are this and that and you will probably be mad. If he tries “Its not you, its me” he would have to explain how he is the problem, how he isnt for relationships etc. While in reality, who knows what happened. He maybe found somebody else, maybe just doesnt think things are as wonderful in your relationship as you thought etc.

Anyway, when I was younger I also sought closure. “Why did this woman didnt like me? Why did we break up?” etc. What Ive discovered that in lots of cases its better not to know. Sometimes its you, sometimes its not about you, sometimes its some trivial stuff etc. Best closure in some cases is something you can give to yourself. You cant expect kind words from some people. Because they are not kind at all. Its useless to expect from somebody who broke up with cold mesaage to say to you how you were wonderful but it just doesnt work. Firstly because if he trully thinks you are wonderful, he would not left. Secondly because, again, he is not kind person. Otherwise he would not choose cold text and ignore you.

So again, give closure to yourself. Say that it was good while it lasted but that its over now. And that you will continue forward without him. And yes, that includes instances when they try to contact you back. Best closure is just acceptance from your side that you are just done.

[SophiaG]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Conversations around break up can be very ankward. For example, if he tries “Its not me, its you” he would have to explain to you how you are this and that and you will probably be mad. If he tries “Its not you, its me” he would have to explain how he is the problem, how he isnt for relationships etc.

True. I've broken things off over text with people I'd been on one or two dates with and didn't get along. Some of those guys would ask for more explanation or feedback and when I tried to be transparent they'd argue that I was mistaken and their words/behaviors didn't mean what I thought they meant, that we could have worked and I never gave it a fair chance, etc. It got exhausting. I don't block people unless they are rude/creepy but I simply cut the conversation short.

[Coily]

The text break up is the easy way out. I won't say coward; as it is often just a way for the one breaking up to cauterize their wound too.

Closure, is an elusive thing, if you poke around on this forum, even marriages get dissolved without closure. So I would urge you to find other ways of making yourself content with the end of the relationship.

That conversation is a difficult thing, and as said above, might not be what we want to hear. Maybe it's a something that is irreconcilable for them, or something that you couldn't/wouldn't change about yourself. I've known a relationship that ended over a woman's body odor. Is that the sort of thing you would want to hear?

While it is painful, I have tried to look at my break ups this way: I learned something about myself and I wish them well. If I make myself think of how rotten they were, that says more about my choices in dating than it does about them.

[SophiaG]

OP, I think I recall your earlier thread about waiting until marriage. If so you already know why it didn't work out. Your belief is important to you, and any men who don't want to wait are incompatible with you. Next time communicate about this early on so you don't get attached to an incompatible man. 

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, butterfly1990 said:

I admire your boundaries. I think I am in a vulnerable state that if he came back and wanted the same things I think I would talk to him again, but it would be hard to trust. I agree what goes around comes around

If there's no trust,  all relationships are dead.  Yes,  I agree,  what goes around comes around indeed.  People get what they deserve especially if they've 'earned' it by being unkind, cruel,  inconsiderate or disrespectful in any form. 

[butterfly1990]

2 hours ago, SophiaG said:

OP, I think I recall your earlier thread about waiting until marriage. If so you already know why it didn't work out. Your belief is important to you, and any men who don't want to wait are incompatible with you. Next time communicate about this early on so you don't get attached to an incompatible man. 

I am struggling to understand why someone would just not even thank you for your time. I know we are incompatible but I wish our time meant had something by giving me a simple thank you or a phone call to wish me well. That would of given me closure that he cared for me as a person. In this case, I realized sex mattered more than who I was as a person. 

[butterfly1990]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

OP, I think I recall your earlier thread about waiting until marriage. If so you already know why it didn't work out. Your belief is important to you, and any men who don't want to wait are incompatible with you. Next time communicate about this early on so you don't get attached to an incompatible man. 

Oh in this case he is a Christian and so called God fearing. So he is basically lying to luring in Christian women dating website. He is not suppose to be engaging in premarital sex and leading women into sin if he is a Christian. He is not a real Christian. 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, butterfly1990 said:

I know we are incompatible but I wish our time meant had something by giving me a simple thank you

Just because he didn't literally say thank you doesn't mean your time together meant nothing to him. 

I get that this break-up hurt, and that you are disappointed he didn't at least call. I understand that very well. I too recall your last thread about this break-up. For what it's worth? I think you also got overly-invested very early into this and are inadvertently using this man's rejection as a measuring stick of your self-worth. 

Don't hand him that measuring stick. 

 

 

[butterfly1990]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Just because he didn't literally say thank you doesn't mean your time together meant nothing to him. 

I get that this break-up hurt, and that you are disappointed he didn't at least call. I understand that very well. I too recall your last thread about this break-up. For what it's worth? I think you also got overly-invested very early into this and are inadvertently using this man's rejection as a measuring stick of your self-worth. 

Don't hand him that measuring stick. 

 

 

Yeah I agree. I got too attached quick. I wanted it to believe this was true. I think he love bombed me and even said he saw a future with me. I have low self-esteem so this made it worse. I need to continue working on my self-esteem and be more careful with men like this. 

[TeeDee]

On 9/30/2024 at 5:45 PM, butterfly1990 said:

 Why do people give no closure or break up through text? Anyone have any experiences with this and how did you move on? Did you ever hear back from them? Thank you 🙏🏽

This "relationship" was only a month.  As you say in a later post, you got attached too quickly.  

Closure doesn't come from the other person.  If they had the words to let somebody down gently & give them the answers, their superior communications skills may have prevented the break up in the 1st place.   

As you work to build your self esteem remember you held fast to your Christian beliefs especially about sex before marriage.  That is a huge win.  Pat yourself on the back for that.  Don't fret about the disappearance of a guy who was wrong for you because he didn't share your value system.   Pray for peace & grace.  Use your faith to remind you that God made you in His image.  How can you be anything except amazing?  Hang in there.  

[Cherylyn]

You are high quality for sending a good-bye and thank you text.  However,  be careful because like you,  often times I've been very considerate regarding closure only for it to sorely backfire with disappointment and hurts.  Being ignored feels like disrespect and an insult to your dignity.  😒

A cold breakup through a text message is convenient,  quick and there are more choices for the one initiating the breakup.  They send the text and after that,  they feel as if they have free reign to ignore you however long they wish to the point of permanent.  It's abrupt and done fast. 

People don't want to give closure because it's too much work for them.  They don't want back 'n forth correspondence with you.  Once they're done with you,  they're really done.  They're finished and they don't want to expend the time and energy into prolonging communication with you.  People are severe.  One and done and onto the next is their mindset.  Grow accustomed to it.  This is the cruel world we live in.  Develop thicker skin. 

Once upon a time,  I had a sweet,  innocent and very naive mindset and I treated people better than they deserved.  Not anymore.  🤨

I've been around the block numerous times in this thing called life as will you.  Like me,  you will hone street smarts. 

In the meantime,  lower your expectations in people and lower your standards in people meaning don't think they will treat you with the same courtesy you gave them.  This is not how the world works.  This is a very selfish,  self-centered,  narcissistic world we live in.  Toughen up.  Learn to become shrewd and calculating in a good way because it will save you as it has for me. 

You sound like a very nice person.  Unfortunately,  this world is not so nice.  We become a product of our environment.  You will be fine.  Take good care of yourself and afford to become very picky and choosy regarding whom you associate with.  Don't waste your time and energy on people who aren't worth it.

[butterfly1990]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

This "relationship" was only a month.  As you say in a later post, you got attached too quickly.  

Closure doesn't come from the other person.  If they had the words to let somebody down gently & give them the answers, their superior communications skills may have prevented the break up in the 1st place.   

As you work to build your self esteem remember you held fast to your Christian beliefs especially about sex before marriage.  That is a huge win.  Pat yourself on the back for that.  Don't fret about the disappearance of a guy who was wrong for you because he didn't share your value system.   Pray for peace & grace.  Use your faith to remind you that God made you in His image.  How can you be anything except amazing?  Hang in there.  

Thank you for this. I need to remember that it was a win. I will pat for peace and compassion. Thank you for your compassion 🙏🏽 🤍

[butterfly1990]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You are high quality for sending a good-bye and thank you text.  However,  be careful because like you,  often times I've been very considerate regarding closure only for it to sorely backfire with disappointment and hurts.  Being ignored feels like disrespect and an insult to your dignity.  😒

A cold breakup through a text message is convenient,  quick and there are more choices for the one initiating the breakup.  They send the text and after that,  they feel as if they have free reign to ignore you however long they wish to the point of permanent.  It's abrupt and done fast. 

People don't want to give closure because it's too much work for them.  They don't want back 'n forth correspondence with you.  Once they're done with you,  they're really done.  They're finished and they don't want to expend the time and energy into prolonging communication with you.  People are severe.  One and done and onto the next is their mindset.  Grow accustomed to it.  This is the cruel world we live in.  Develop thicker skin. 

Once upon a time,  I had a sweet,  innocent and very naive mindset and I treated people better than they deserved.  Not anymore.  🤨

I've been around the block numerous times in this thing called life as will you.  Like me,  you will hone street smarts. 

In the meantime,  lower your expectations in people and lower your standards in people meaning don't think they will treat you with the same courtesy you gave them.  This is not how the world works.  This is a very selfish,  self-centered,  narcissistic world we live in.  Toughen up.  Learn to become shrewd and calculating in a good way because it will save you as it has for me. 

You sound like a very nice person.  Unfortunately,  this world is not so nice.  We become a product of our environment.  You will be fine.  Take good care of yourself and afford to become very picky and choosy regarding whom you associate with.  Don't waste your time and energy on people who aren't worth it.

Thank you so much for this. I've been seeking some "closure" over this for peace of mind. Your advice helped me have a better understanding. I think I felt like I was keeping hope he would come back to say thank you or wish me the best or say something he cared. But unfortunately like you said I need to toughen and realize this world is cruel and can't expect everyone to have a good heart. Thank you so much for your compassion. I screenshot your answer to reread to be reminded that it wasn't my fault 🙏🏽🤍✨️

[butterfly1990]

20 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not everybody would give you closure. Sometimes people can be quite cold or just dont want to get into ankward conversations. Conversations around break up can be very ankward. For example, if he tries “Its not me, its you” he would have to explain to you how you are this and that and you will probably be mad. If he tries “Its not you, its me” he would have to explain how he is the problem, how he isnt for relationships etc. While in reality, who knows what happened. He maybe found somebody else, maybe just doesnt think things are as wonderful in your relationship as you thought etc.

Anyway, when I was younger I also sought closure. “Why did this woman didnt like me? Why did we break up?” etc. What Ive discovered that in lots of cases its better not to know. Sometimes its you, sometimes its not about you, sometimes its some trivial stuff etc. Best closure in some cases is something you can give to yourself. You cant expect kind words from some people. Because they are not kind at all. Its useless to expect from somebody who broke up with cold mesaage to say to you how you were wonderful but it just doesnt work. Firstly because if he trully thinks you are wonderful, he would not left. Secondly because, again, he is not kind person. Otherwise he would not choose cold text and ignore you.

So again, give closure to yourself. Say that it was good while it lasted but that its over now. And that you will continue forward without him. And yes, that includes instances when they try to contact you back. Best closure is just acceptance from your side that you are just done.

I appreciate your wise words. This helps put things into perspective and realize it wasn't my fault. I am learning that closure is something I have to do on my own because at the end it was him who failed me and was not kind. I was kind to him to the end. Thank you again 🤍

[DocOK]

A month is no time at all from your lifetime. It feels really bad now because (I presume) it has only just happened. A broken month-long romance is going to hurt a lot because you were at the heart-leaping part of it when it ended. It's a shock similar to sudden illness or accident, and you're entitled to feel miserable about it. Think of it as a cherished glass that fell off the table and broke. You really liked that glass but you can't bring it back (even if you could stick the pieces back together it wont ever be the same glass, so it's gone forever). Be thankful that you discovered his poor relationship skills before it turned into something really committed and serious. I'll be thinking of you as time goes on, as I suspect will many other people here.

[Debsterism]

Madam, you are doing the absolute most. You only ran around with this guy for a couple of weeks and you are having all these emotions about it? That's not even a relationship - it's casual dating for two people who JUST MET. 

Secondly, nobody gives you closure. I think women tend to romanticize and put too much on light dating interactions with guys, then play damsel in distress when the guy doesn't feel it. If he never sat down with you and asked you to consider a long-term future with him, then all of this "relationship" stuff is a figment of your imagination.

Thirdly, people end these types of casual interactions via text all the time. You know why? Cause he wasn't your man and you two did not have a commitment. So there is no "break up" to happen. He just let you know he wasn't feeling it. All you were supposed to do is say "ok" and that's it. Sending long emotion laden walls of text back to someone who has already moved on, expecting them to care and to respond is rather interesting thinking. Again, romanticizing something that didn't exist in reality, but was a fantasy based on your WISHES, HOPES AND DREAMS. 

Bottom line, closure is something you give yourself. As soon as you as a woman decide that you deserve more, you deserve better... and close the door to any situation which wastes your time with disrespect or disregard. There you have it - closure. 

[butterfly1990]

5 hours ago, DocOK said:

A month is no time at all from your lifetime. It feels really bad now because (I presume) it has only just happened. A broken month-long romance is going to hurt a lot because you were at the heart-leaping part of it when it ended. It's a shock similar to sudden illness or accident, and you're entitled to feel miserable about it. Think of it as a cherished glass that fell off the table and broke. You really liked that glass but you can't bring it back (even if you could stick the pieces back together it wont ever be the same glass, so it's gone forever). Be thankful that you discovered his poor relationship skills before it turned into something really committed and serious. I'll be thinking of you as time goes on, as I suspect will many other people here.

Thank for your kind words and compassion and for not judging me. I know it was a short-term "relationship" and many find it ridiculous, but it was intense at the heart leaping part as you mentioned. He would call multiple times a day every day for a month and talk about the future. I waited 3 hours in the hospital for him during an eye surgery. I am a domestic violence survivor too, so for the first time I experienced kindness from a man. I emotionally invested too quick and it hurt deeply now that he is gone. Those future plans he made are gone and I grieve the future that will never happen with him. Thank you for your kind wishes and I really like the analogy of the broken glass 🤍🙏🏽