I did something horrible how to I move forward

[aasdfzuibasdf]

Before anything this is a throwaway account and i dont use any websites like this so i dont know proper etiquette for posting here.

Like the title says I dont know what to do anymore right now and need help.
Im currently 22 and my girlfriend is 21 and we waited til we were both over 18 before anything sexual happened.
When I was 17 i met a girl 16 in the psych ward. both of us were there for major depression. She is bi and at the time had a crush on her best friend the same girl i was also sort of having a crush on (not sure if it was a crush or just me being too dependent on her after getting out and not wanting to let her go) but got rejected same happened to me. After that she confessed to me. I didnt really have feelings at first but thought thats normal and over time I'd develop them. I agreed and we started "dating".

 I need to add a break here and explain why dating is in quotations. On my wishes we didnt tell friends and family since my friends and family wouldve made life agony if they knew and i was fresh out the psych ward and didnt want to do that again. In addition we never really acted like a normal couple largely in thanks to that. We never went out or on dates and thanks to the issues I had I often isolated myself completely for weeks meaning we met once or twice a month. Later made worse by us going to different unis and being forced into long distance.

I did really develop deep feelings but thanks to reasons i dont remember we often fought which was made worse by me being somewhat autistic and not understanding how others feel. I said things I would find comforting that were hurtful to others and shed interpret too much into it thanks to her depression and draw conclusions i could never reach from those statements. Thanks to those fights I eventually broke it off and told her that theres better people out there that could understand and help her that shed be happier with, but we decided to stay friends. That however didnt last long and we soon got back together. Before that I knew that we both had feeligs and it wouldnt work as friends probably so I asked a girl that had expressed interest in me before to date me on the advice of my therapist. The idea being that that would prevent her and me from getting together again. Needless to say my therapist gave *** advice in general and that not only didnt work but also made my now girlfriend feel horrible.

That was 3 Years ago. We've been trying our best but its been somewhat slow. Ive unknowingly caused her pain and trauma many times since then but recently we made a lot of Progress. We went public and started going out together and awkwardly explained to people that we were actually dating.

Now to the actual issue. I cheated. Theres no other way to phrase it. Not physically but emotionally which is worse. I dont want to make any excuses. Im aware that Im scum for it and no justification for that exists. Still i want to explain why I did what I did. at the time I was really lonely and we fought a lot I texted with another girl and it eventually went to flirting and explicit messages. I never met her and shes never seen me. I never wanted to I felt nothing for her and she didnt care for me at all either she was just messing with people and enjoyed it. At the time I felt lonely and like a second choice to the girl my girlfriend actually liked for years and the constant fighting and vulnerable spot i was in made being told im desireable and wanted feel so good i kept messaging. It went on a bit but as soon as i realized what I was doing and how it would make her feel i stopped. I regret it. The guilt is crushing to the point I can barely breathe thinking about it. I really do love my girlfriend shes everything to me now and ive never met anyone i care for more. what I did back then doesnt change. I know that and I dont want absolution or anything like that. The guilt is a constant reminder of how horrible I am and how much I need to keep working on myself and I dont want that to go away. I want to know whats best to do for her. Shes still mentally ill and sometimes suicidal, worse shes had a serious medical diagnosis relating to nerve damage recently.

The way i see it there are four options:
1. Dont tell her, hope it stays hidden forever and break it off. Leave her with heartbreak but no more trust issues than she already has. (The issue being I dont know how I can without risking her health and leaving her in a situation with no support system)

2. Tell her now and let her make the choice on what happens next, Im afraid of this not only because I dont want to her to leave me but mostly because Im afraid shell be too scared of breaking it off and live with it never being able to trust me or another partner again. (i know thats my fault and how it goes but I dont want her to live in a constant state of fear)

3. Give everything to keep supporting her and tell her if shes ever in a better mental state or has a better support system (I cant really see this as an option. Its too cruel to help her build herself up just to tear her down again when shes finally better and with the way things have been going i dont know if shell ever reach that place to begin with)

4. Never tell her, hope it never comes to light. Spare her the pain and trauma and work on myself constantly to never hurt her again (This is not really an option. its bad enough as is now it would only get worse in the future if it ever came to light. The only reason this is here is that thats something I actually found as a fringe opinion on one of these forums. I understand the reasoning but its too cruel)

(5. an alternative to 2 where I try to wait for a better time but Im afraid ill never find the right time and make that an excuse to not tell her which is unacceptable. at least i dont want to wait long to tell her if thats the better option.)

As I stand now on one hand I want to keep being selfish as I dont want a way out Im afraid that if i break it off with her and dont tell her Ill eventually forgive myself and thats not something to be forgiven but telling her would cause her pain and probably a complex for the rest of her life and thats even worse.

Ive been a horrible judge in the past and made so many bad decisions not just in this but in my career and physical health. Im begging you help me find the right way not for my sake for hers. I havent been able to make a choice until now but it cant go any longer its not fair to keep her from finding a better life or at least making the choice not to.
 

You can call me whatever names you want I know that its deserved but please help me.

 

[smackie9]

Talk to the therapist to figure out why you found yourself emotionally cheating. Once you get the the source you work through it. That will relieve some of the guilt through understanding your actions. 

Since she is so fragile, there are times when saying nothing will save them from the pain. If it comes to light, you will be able to discuss as to what happened to you and why you ended up in that situation. Not to explain away things but at least give her a chance to understand this sort of thing can happen to anyone. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Uhmm

[TeeDee]

You are never going to be able to keep this secret.  You are already being consumed by guilt.  If you try to stay silent in some stress filled situation it will all come out at the worst time in the worst way. 

Talk to your therapist.  Tell that person you want them to help you find the best way to confess to your GF.  Make sure it's in a very supportive environment like her house with her parents or BFF nearby.  

Be straightforward but not as overly dramatic as you were in your post.  You are not scum. 

Remind her that you love her but you are human & made a mistake.  Explain you didn't want to cause her pain but in a moment of weakness you sexted some stranger you never met.  It was an ego boost at the time but you know it was disrespectful & hurtful to her & you are very sorry.  Offer to let her look in your phone.  Ask her if she needs time to process & give her some space (24 hours not weeks).  Ask what you can do to earn back her trust then do that.