My friend and my wife

[Hunt001]

hello,
was after a bit of advice, am I over thinking things or is this something to worry about.
i know a couple I’ve been friends with for many years..the guy is a bit of a ladies man and when I met my partner he was keen to meet her, anyhow after a few months we all met up and he immediately treated her like a long lost mate. Any did so every time we met up. Fast forward to a few months back. I proposed to my partner last year and invited them to the wedding this year. The couple decided to take us away for a couple of days as a wedding present. We went to a karaoke bar and he asked her to sing with him, which she did his arm round her but her arm not round him. On way back they walked back in front of me and his wide arm in arm. Which I thought was very strange as this was only a couple of weeks before our wedding. Then the day before wedding a large group met up for a drink and he said to my wife to be twice ‘ marry me instead’ my wife to me told me this and laughed it off. We had an entertainer at wedding and he asked my wife to pick someone to help the guy and she picked my friend out of a room of 60. I didn’t see anything at wedding.
while away for a few days after the wedding we were having a few drinks and she just randomly came out with ‘ I don’t fancy him he knows I’m married’ something along them lines. And she mentions him at least once a day in general conversation. we are going away with them on a cruise for a week and I’m scared on what might happen..am I just overthinking this? Thank you x

[lostandhurt]

If this "fiend" is being disrespectful of your friendship and marriage then you need to speak to him and let him know his flirtatious style will not be tolerated with your wife.

As far as your wife goes simply sit down with her and ask her straight out if she has a thing for this friend because she talks about him all the time.  Then see how she reacts.

Simply eating your emotions while this plays out right in front of you is not healthy and running around on a cruise ship trying to police her so she doesn't do something wrong is not the answer either..

Your other option is to make it through the cruise and then cut this guy off as a friend.  I would have had words with him when he told her to dump you for him and dumped him as a friend if he didn't respect the friendship long ago.  That needs to be done anyways in my opinion.

 Lost

[smackie9]

The only reason it has gotten this far is because you haven't spoken up. Don't corner her on it, corner him. You need to have a talk with your friend and get this sorted out. If he is empathetic and remorseful lets hope he complies. If not, you detach yourself from this friendship.

As for your wife, she probably thinks this guy is harmless and is just being fun. Since everyone is laughing along, etc, I'm sure she thinks this is normal among you and your friends. So it also would be best (after your conversation with your friend) to have a talk with her about you feeling of being disrespected by the display between them. Communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Now I don't know what is going through her head BUT, enjoying someone's company doesn't always mean romantic interest. Everyone is drawn to fun/a good time and that is part of the reason your friend gets attention. I'm guessing people in general are drawn to him. If he really over steps his boundaries, you would think he would receive an occasional black eye.

[ShySoul]

Do you trust your wife? Has she ever given you any reason to doubt her or her loyalty to you? If she hasn't, then don't worry about her. She can take care of herself and odds are isn't up to anything.

As for him, some people are over friendly. They say inappropriate things because they find it amusing. They lack a filter. Doesn't have to mean anything nefarious or underhanded. He may not even be aware how it comes of. If it makes you uncomfortable, just talk to him. See his reaction. If he gets pset with you, that shows his mindset and shows he isn't really a friend. For all you know he could apologize and make an effort to be more careful.

Communicating with people is generally the right thing to do.

[shouldhavelearned]

Should have been addressed before the wedding.

[TeeDee]

He is definitely dangerous but it sounds like your wife is well aware of what he wants. 

Do tell her that he makes you uncomfortable & that after this cruise you would prefer to put some distance between all of you.  

On the cruise do not let him walk with your wife.  Ask her to decline his invitations. If he moves near her, intervene.  

[AV0]

It doesn't sound as though your friend is really being a friend. I would confront him and call him on that. Doesn't sound like she is much better in this case if she enjoys that attention 

 

[The Shark101]

On 10/1/2024 at 2:46 AM, smackie9 said:
The only reason it has gotten this far is because you haven't spoken up. Don't corner her on it, corner him

And here we go again: "Don't hold her accountable, hold him".  
A respectful gf/wife will not participate in this kind of disrespectful behaviour from the other guy, and SHE will be the one to cut him off, or at least say to her bf she's not comfortable with his friend's male behaviour. But she did nothing of that and happily went along with it, and continued disrespecting her husband/bf and her relationship by mentioning this guy at least once a day.
If my gf disrespected me like that, she's gone.
Your mistake is that you didn't dump her for her disrespectful behaviour.
Sorry OP , but you made a mistake marrying her ; She's Not a wifey martial!

And btw, your friend is not your friend. Dump him too!

[The Shark101]

On 10/16/2024 at 8:53 AM, AV0 said:

It doesn't sound as though your friend is really being a friend. I would confront him and call him on that. Doesn't sound like she is much better in this case if she enjoys that attention 

 

Absolutely 💯. ^^^

Hugging his gf and saying she's better marry him is slimy intention covered with jokes. 

[The Shark101]

On 10/16/2024 at 8:14 AM, TeeDee said:

Do tell her that he makes you uncomfortable & that after this cruise you would prefer to put some distance between all of you.  

On the cruise do not let him walk with your wife.  Ask her to decline his invitations. If he moves near her, intervene.  

WHY, why the wife can't tell the friend " I'm married woman, get the F**k off ?  Why she need her husband to tell her what to do? Isn't it clear to her what she need to do like the sun in the middle of the day? 

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

WHY, why the wife can't tell the friend " I'm married woman, get the F**k off ?  Why she need her husband to tell her what to do? Isn't it clear to her what she need to do like the sun in the middle of the day? 

Of course she can & should but most women aren't wired that way.  We are socialized to be nice, not confrontational which can cause problems like the one above. 

The husband is also the one on here asking for advice.  I can't tell somebody who is not here what to do.  I can only address the person who is here

The wife is trying to be polite to the husband's buddy while that guy is behaving like a cad to put it mildly.  He may mean nothing by it & is just a tactile flirtatious guy but because his behavior is making others uncomfortable, his behavior needs to stop.  If the husband hasn't expressed his concerns to his wife, she may think she needs to continue being nice to this jerk so as not to disrupt her husband's friendship. 

[The Shark101]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:
The wife is trying to be polite to the husband's buddy

And She mentions him at least once a day in general conversation out of politeness too ? ,,,, give me a break. She's not as polite and innocent as you try to describe her. Will you do the same as her "out of politeness" ? If not, why can't you call her out on this? 

Women have super sharp intuition about men and can read men's behaviour and intentions like an open book. She knows perfectly well what he's doing, but says nothing, not to the guys and not to her husband , willingly enjoys free attention from the guy who flirts with her in front of her husband. This is such disrespectful behaviour on her part.( And the guy) It's Poor and cheap behavior from both of them. It's like the husband not there. 

I'll say it again; She is not a wifey martial! , and he's not your friend.  sooner or later, the husband will find out by himself,,,,. and I won't be surprised if it'll be with his friend "help". 

a respectful wife will never behave like that. A disrespectful wife can't love her husband! Op cut your losses and get out of this marriage before you have kids. 

[yogacat]

Your friend has a thing for your wife even if it's just harmless flirting, she's entertaining it, I don't think necessarily because she's interested but more so because she's probably flattered. Not every woman is used to being chased and desired, so when it happens sometimes they enjoy it.  Is it enough for you to worry? Not for me to say, I'm just an objective third party, I do think she might like the attention but if she's coming out and saying she's not interested that's a good sign, so I wouldn't necessarily keep hounding on that front either. 

[ShySoul]

If a person is a close friend, seems natural that there name would be brought up regularly. If you are close enough to be going on a cruise with them, seems even more natural. Doesn't mean she is being a disrespectful wife or wanting anything with the other guy. Just means they get along well.

If a person feels uncomfortable with something their partner is doing, just talk with your partner. It's not confusing or complicated. Work through your feelings together as a couple. Communicate and listen to each other. Don't assume things you don't know are true. Don't worry or speculate. Don't jump to conclusions and think you have to break up. Just talk to the person. So many problems could be solved so easily by communicating.

Hunt, if you read this, I hope the cruise went well and you had fun.