Ex husband on my mind

[DocOK]

I divorced my ex 40 years ago. Glad to get away - he was a womaniser (going for increasingly younger women as he grew older). He was feckless and reckless with money, unreliable in most things and a compulsive liar. What's to miss, I hear you cry! And I don't miss him. For 40 years I've been glad he's gone and relieved that I didn't have to spend my whole life dealing with his messes. But just lately (I'm 77, by the way) I find myself having inner conversations with him, "putting him right" about just what a *hole he was (and probably still is, but that's his young wife's problem now, not mine). Why am I doing this? It makes me angry and miserable when, really, it's all behind me and has been for decades. Is this something that happens when we get old? We start to re-live (and embellish) the bad bits of our past? I just need to find a way to stop it in my own head.

[Andrina]

I one day realized that when I was not happy in my present, that I looked to the past to try to find it there. Or, ran through scenarios of what I should have done back then to change the outcome which might have infiltrated my present life.

I'd suggest working on adding some spark to your present life. That might mean a new hobby, especially one that will have you meeting new people. You could join a book discussion group. Teach others a skill you might be good at. Do alternative activities with friends instead of the same old things you'd normally do. I know that in my area, there are people in your age group who get together once a week at a dance halls for a variety of dances: ballroom, tango, swing. You might look into that. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[redswim30]

We view everyone else through our own lens.   Because we want to believe there are things we "could have said or done" to make someone else feel or respond a certain way.  It's a way of seeking control. 

But the truth is nothing we say or do can ever MAKE someone else feel or respond a certain way.  IMVHO and in my experience, the vast majority of people don't regret their choices.  You WISH he felt bad about the way he treated you, but sadly he likely doesn't.  I'd really advise you to try and move past this, because realistically it sounds like even when he WAS married to you, he wasn't thinking of you and he sure as hell isn't now.  Stop feeding the hurt in your life. 

You are giving him FAR more power and importance to your life than he deserves.  Stop feeding the hurt in your life. The truth is these imagined conversations are only hurting you, not him. They aren't changing the past and they aren't serving your present.   Remember, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.  STOP drinking poison, nothing positive can come from it.  

I'd really advise you to actively seek a better PRESENT and FUTURE.  Reliving the past does NOT change it.  Try new things, meet new people.  IF you were the sort to complain about your ex to others, I HIGHLY recommend you STOP.  Sometimes we seek solace following divorce, esp if we perceive the other person "did us wrong".  BUT- when we do this consistently over years, it can slowly become a bitterness hole that we dig for ourselves, that if it turns too deep, can become impossible to climb out of.  STOP talking about him.  Others may think they are helping you, but really they are just keeping you INSIDE that hole, instead of helping you OUT of it.  Be around people that support your present and future, not obsess over your past. 

I get it.  I've been divorced, too.  And my ex wasn't the nicest person.  But, we have to move forward, even if we were disappointed in how things ended.  No scenario you play in your head is going to change the past or make him "regretful".  The best way to move forward is to live your OWN best life. 

You were a FULL person before meeting him and you can be a FULL person after him.  You just have to CHOOSE to be.   Perhaps seeking therapy may aid you in crossing this bridge. 

I sincerely wish you the best.  You still have a bright future if you choose to stop living in the past. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  it happens.  I don't know of many people who don't remember the past especially bad experiences with certain people. 

I too am bitter and resentful of bad memories of people who've done me wrong.  What helps me are healthy distractions such as working hard,  exercise,  hobbies,  being with very moral people whom I enjoy,  savoring solitude and whatever strikes my fancy.  Keeping busy causes bad people to become a blur and distant memory. 

Never allow bad people whether living or dead to have a grip on your life otherwise they've won.  Continue living in the present and find joy in the little things.  Practice gratitude for anything you can think of because my mother said being grateful is one of the keys to enduring happiness.  ☺️