Snooped on my boyfriends phone and found evidence of him cheating, what do I do?

[Mil7084]

TDLR at end

So, I’m a 24F, and my boyfriend is 25M. He’s currently in my home country on a working holiday visa that lasts a year, and he’s been here since December. We met in February at work, and we started dating pretty soon after. Honestly, at first, I wasn’t even sure if I was really attracted to him physically, but I fell for his personality. He’s one of those people who’s just super charismatic and social. Wherever we go, he seems to know everyone, and he’s genuinely well-liked. I’m definitely more introverted and awkward by comparison, and while I try not to let it get to me, I’ve always felt like I’m not 'cool enough' for him.

For some background, we’re not super compatible in a lot of ways. I’m really into fitness, hiking, and being outdoors, and I don’t drink or do drugs much. He does like being outdoors, but he’s big into drinking and drugs, and that’s always been a bit of a sticking point for me. Still, we made it work because I genuinely enjoy being with him. When we started dating, we had a conversation about how things would eventually end since his visa expires in December, but I told him I was okay with that, and I just wanted to enjoy our time together.

Everything was fine for a few months, but in July, things started to fall apart. He went out with his mates one night, and I left early because I had work the next morning. I didn’t think anything of it at the time and trusted him completely. Two days later, though, he confessed to me that he had cheated on me that night and slept with someone else. I was completely blindsided, but he was genuinely devastated—crying, apologizing, saying he’d do anything to make it right. He seemed so remorseful that I stupidly decided to forgive him and give the relationship another chance. Looking back, I was just too naive and in love to see what was really happening.

Fast forward to mid-September, and out of nowhere, he sits me down and tells me he wants to break up. He said he needed to "work on himself" and that he came here to "find himself," but being with me was too comfortable and he wasn’t pushing himself out of his comfort zone. He assured me it wasn’t my fault and that I’d done nothing wrong, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like I wasn’t enough for him. I was completely heartbroken, couldn’t even go to work, and cried for days.

Then, a week later, he asked if we could meet up for a drink. Foolishly, I agreed. During that meetup, he tells me he made a huge mistake and that he’s been miserable all week without me. He asked if we could get back together, and again, like an idiot, I said yes because I still loved him. For about a month, things seemed to be better, and I even supported him through some health scares. But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he might change his mind again. I brought it up once, and he reassured me that he loved spending time with me and wanted to keep being together, so I tried to relax a little.

Then, a few days ago, something happened that completely shattered whatever trust I had left. I was in the kitchen making dinner, and I glanced over and saw him texting another girl. It immediately set off alarm bells, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so I waited until the next morning to ask him about it. He dodged the question, but instead of giving me a real answer, he reassured me that "I’m his priority" and that he still wants to spend time with me. I tried, again, to let it go.

But then, the next night, I couldn’t sleep because he was snoring, so I grabbed his phone to look at a picture he’d taken of me earlier that day. That’s when I saw an Instagram notification pop up from the same girl I saw him texting in the kitchen. Curiosity got the better of me, and I opened the messages. What I found completely broke me. It turns out this girl lives in the city he’s planning to go to after he leaves here in December, and they’ve been flirting for at least the past couple of weeks. They’ve been texting constantly—flirting, sending ‘x’s,’ even making sexual comments. It felt like a knife to the gut, especially since his texts with me feel like pulling teeth most of the time. I can’t even get him to reply properly, but he’s giving her all this attention.

I know what I did—snooping through his phone—was wrong. He’s said before that it’s one of the worst things someone can do in his eyes, and now I’ve gone and done it. But seeing those messages… it just hurts so much. I feel like he’s already checked out of this relationship and is just counting down the days until he can move on to her.

The problem is, I’m still in love with him, and I’ve become so dependent on him. I don’t really have a big social circle of my own, and honestly, he and his friends have become my entire world. I know that if I bring up what I found, he’s going to break up with me, accuse me of violating his trust, and leave. And with only a month or two left before his visa runs out, I’m scared to lose him completely. I don’t know how to handle this.

Do I confront him and risk ending everything? Or do I just keep quiet and let things play out until he leaves? I feel so stuck and heartbroken. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

TDLR - My 25M boyfriend cheated on me in July, I forgave him, and then he broke up with me in September to "work on himself." A week later, we got back together, and things seemed okay. But now I’ve caught him texting/flirting with another girl from his hometown, and I snooped through his phone, finding out that they’ve been talking for a couple of weeks. I feel like he’s emotionally checked out, but I’m scared to confront him because it will probably lead to a breakup, and I’m dependent on him and his friend group. He only has a couple of months left on his visa before he leaves. I don’t know what to do.

[Kwothe28]

55 minutes ago, Mil7084 said:

Then, a few days ago, something happened that completely shattered whatever trust I had left. I was in the kitchen making dinner, and I glanced over and saw him texting another girl. 

Nooooo. You mean to tell me that the guy who cheated on you and already left you once, is talking to another girl and has an exit strategy from you? No way.

Liars and cheaters stay liars and cheaters. You should have known what you are in for when he cheated on you once. But you have taken him back. Which to him meant you are fine with his “extra relationship activities” and that he has a free reign to do what he wants. Boot the cheater to the street and dont look back.

[WendyT]

56 minutes ago, Mil7084 said:

I know that if I bring up what I found, he’s going to break up with me, accuse me of violating his trust, and leave.

Aw bless you. This is not a healthy relationship at all. He will leave you? You must know how this sounds, HE is in the wrong, HE is the cheat, YOU have done nothing wrong. I wouldn't feel so bad about "snooping" through his phone if your gut instinct needed confirmation. Always follow your gut which has already proved to be right. If you had confronted him without having seen it in black and white for yourself, he would've just denied it surely ?... turned it around on your acting "crazy" and you would of doubted yourself again. I'm glad you went through his phone. 

Be strong and have faith in your self, leave this manchild to play the field. You obviously don't mean that much to him if he is looking for attention elsewhere. It will be hard but you have forgiven his actions on too many occasions already, this kind of behaviour will continue for the hoewever long your relationship does.

I would break up with him if I were you. You will find new friends, new social circles and new partners. You really will however much you love him right now, love your self more. 

[MissCanuck]

Let me get this straight: 

1) This relationship will be over in December anyway when his visa expires
2) He cheated on you
3) He broke up with you 
4) He's still cheating

Girl. This relationship has no future anyway. You should have ended it when he cheated but it's going to end either way. It is literally pointless to keep this going. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you were betrayed and that you never felt cool enough for him. Let me guess he was most charismatic when he was drunk right? I was serious with someone like that where I didn't feel cool enough and we were also early 20s - loved partying/getting drunk.  Very charismatic. Didn't cheat on me. 

We broke up because I finally felt cool enough in my own right and realized that I'd feel lonely if we married (he proposed).  Emotionally he kept his distance (which was because he was in denial that he was gay- that's another  story!). 

But I will tell you many years later -we stayed in touch - he I believe had to go to rehab or similar for alcohol issues -he absolutely stopped all that partying and he married (a man) and he was a successful professional but I believe what he chose to do in his 20s -for him -led to alcoholism or alcohol issues so not everyone has that happen but certainly if you're dating someone in his 20s who parties that much addiction and health issues are far more of a risk. 

Please keep away from him.  I was surprised too you gave him another chance and while I think it's wrong to violate someone's privacy given the past history I understand why.  If you are that tempted to look at someone's phone you don't  trust the person enough to be their partner IMO.

Take care.

[TeeDee]

4 hours ago, Mil7084 said:

 I don’t know what to do.

Of course you know what to do.  You just don't want to do it because you claim

Quote

The problem is, I’m still in love with him, and I’ve become so dependent on him. I don’t really have a big social circle of my own, and honestly, he and his friends have become my entire world.

What a bunch of hooey. 

You had a life before him & you will have life without him.  He's leaving anyway.  Presumably his friends from your country will remain there.  

You already said you two are not compatible.  You are the outdoorsy type.  He's a partying druggy.   He broke up with you once already.  He is cheating you.   Good grief.  Why are you putting up with this? 

As soon as he leaves this is over anyway.  He never cared about you enough to do the long distance thing.  Out of sight out of mind.  You were a relationship if convenience while he was there.  Might as well end it on your terms & preserve some dignity. 

Love yourself enough to walk away!  Build a new social circle.  Get some therapy to find out why you have such low self esteem to put up with being treated so poorly.  

[Seraphim]

There is no relationship here to continue. You will be completely fine without him . Just toss his arse out and be done . 

[SophiaG]

What is "love" to you? How deep can you "love" someone who had proved himself unreliable, untrustworthy, and not even physically attractive to you, in a matter of months??

[smackie9]

What do you do?! You dump his a$$ is what you do. 

Mom talk: Set your standards higher next time. Compatibility is key to sustain a relationship for the long haul. Don't date someone that goes against your moral values. 

I get it no one likes failure, especially when it comes to your relationship. The benefit of a doubt, second, third chances...oh hell no! IMO you don't stick around because of your investment in the relationship. You jump ship and save yourself. 

[Coily]

When I hear "expiring Visa" and trying to keep a bad relationship a float; all I think of is romance scammer. sorry, not sorry.

He's going to start coming hot and heavy at you is my bet. Possibly to manipulate you for a marriage visa, since you are hung up on him. He clearly doesn't give a toss about you in reality. He'll pretend to have fixed why he cheated, meanwhile he's gone full scumbag and is after anything that suits his fancy.

Be done with this cad.