Am I self-destructing another possibility?

[toothless5]

I've been talking to a guy for about 6 weeks. We matched on a dating app, although we live quite a distance away, so I'm not entirely sure how it happened. Anyway, we are due to be meeting next week. I just happened to have a trip planned to his city, so it kind of worked out. We text every day, and have done some calls and video chats. 

I get the feeling he might have lost interest, but I am not sure if I am just self-destructing. 

This is a thing that has happened to me not once, not twice, but on multiple occasions. I will talk to a guy for weeks or months; and then, a few days before, a week before....they meet someone else, and then they lose interest. I'm not exaggerating when I say it has happened multiple times. 

Here is an example. I was meeting a guy overseas. The intention of my trip was not to meet him. He just happened to live in the country I had an overseas visit; so we planned to meet. We talked for months. Obviously an overseas trip is not a last minute thing. So, we talked for probably 6 months. We talked about all these plans. In fact about 3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave, he suggested renting a house with friends of his (a couple) at this nice vacation area nearby. For a romantic getaway. Awesome, right? 

Then when I landed, he was very good, checking in on me, making sure I got around okay. I did my own solo sightseeing for about a week; then a couple of days before it was time to meet him, he started going very quiet. I tried to make arrangements for him to meet me at the train station, and he never replied. He did eventually reply, and we spent some friendly time together. But, when I brought up....things....he acted very perplexed, and was like...."This wasn't supposed to be a thing. Just two friends." I was so heartbroken, I didn't know how to reply; it wasn't until days later, when I thought of all our conversations, especially the supposed romantic getaway...I knew I wasn't crazy. He was basically gaslighting. 

Come to find out from a friend of his, he had met someone the week prior. (Ironically, it didn't last and was pretty much over within a couple of weeks)

All this to say that it's just crazy how you can be talking for such a long time, plans can seem full on days before, and then suddenly...things change. 

Now yes, ideally, you meet someone as soon as possible. But, in a long-distance situation, like this one....you do what you can do. 

 

Anyway...the "last minute lost interest"...I know what it feels like. And it feels like this. Texting less and less. And I find myself thinking....I can't believe it's happening again, you know? I am getting to the point where I have considered saying something to him. Nothing aggressive. Just..."Hey, are you still up for getting together? I am getting the feeling maybe things have changed?"

I let my anxiety get the better of me a lot, and I hate to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. So, I feel like asking him anything like that will end up doing more harm than good. 

Just not sure what to do at this point. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Some people, especially long distance think they'll never meet the person in real life.

[toothless5]

9 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Some people, especially long distance think they'll never meet the person in real life.

 

That's fair. 

But, in this case, I mean....he knows I am visiting his city, and has for some time now. We bought tickets to a museum. It wasn't some loosey-goosey thing. 

During our last video chat, he made references to my visit. 

 

I just dunno. 

 

[bluecastle]

38 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

All this to say that it's just crazy how you can be talking for such a long time, plans can seem full on days before, and then suddenly...things change. 

Sorry for all the anxiety. 

I highlighted the above in the name of offering a counter-argument—namely, that such circumstances are far from "crazy" but rather closer to the norm. Texting, video chats, whatever: all that is not real life. Can it stir interest, intrigue, some heat? Without question. What it does not do, for most, is stop the gears of real life from spinning, which is to say the odds are higher than not, in such scenarios, that things will change. Given what seems like an interest in (a) forming connections in digital space and (b) forming with them people who don't live near you, I would say it's critical to be accepting of this, rather than thrown by it. 

Further pressing on this pedal: things often change, in a similar fashion, after a few weeks of dating someone in the three dimensional world. Maybe there's been some great dinners, maybe some hot sex—doesn't necessarily mean that person isn't exploring other options, and/or open to other options, at least until you've agreed on some boundaries in that respect. In short, this is often what dating is: experiencing a thrilling connection only to have it fizzle out, often because someone has met someone who, due to voodoo that's never worth examining too closely, found a connection with someone else they felt more keen to explore. 

So, how to navigate this, in general and in the present? 

In the present: I'd skip the passive aggressive text, especially since you'll be in the same city next week. See what comes of that, accepting that all possibilities are totally reasonable under the circumstances: something, nothing, something in between. At this point, despite six weeks of online chitchat, you are talking here about a man who is basically a stranger. And, at least from what you've shared—frequent texts, museum tickets—it sounds like everything is a go. Not really sure, subtracting your nerves, what you're basing this fear on. 

In general: Should next week not pan out as desired, I'd maybe reconsider this mode of romance. Can only speak for myself, but when I was single and on the apps I aimed for people who lived within a few miles, skipped the pixilated frou-frou, and made a plan to meet up. Most of those meets went nowhere: a fleeting spark, me being vaguely keen on someone who was lukewarm on me, the inverse of that, etc. Dating, in a word. But it did allow me to eventually meet someone, and go about the grand business of sharing a life, so, hey, worth it. 

Along the way, I had some curious, enjoyable, and momentarily hope-inducing exchanges and meet-ups with people who lived far from me, so on some level I understand the appeal. I just went into those with a few million grains of salt, which I suppose is what I'm suggesting for you here. 

[Tinydance]

This is just a genuine question. Is there a reason why you want to meet guys overseas or who live far away from you? Do you normally travel a lot? Why are you putting so much effort into someone overseas if you know you'll be visiting that country only briefly?

The way I see it with the guy overseas is, the situation depends on what you were both looking for and what you had discussed in regards to dating. For example, if you and/or the guy said you'd be willing to move to the other person's country to date in person. Sometimes people already want to move to that country so they're happy to start something there. Or they're at least open to moving there. If that was the case then yes I can see why it was disappointing that you invested so much time in it but nothing came of it in the end.

However, if neither of you wanted to move countries, then meeting this guy was really just going to be a hookup or fling. I'm not sure how long you were going to be in that country but unless you moved there, it was temporary.

So I'm not sure how you were expecting that this guy would take you really seriously when he knew he'd only see you briefly. It's actually understandable if he didn't want to get really attached because there wouldn't be a point to it. It sounds like he did want to still meet and show you around his country. But he happened to meet someone else so he only met you as a friend. He probably should have been upfront that he was seeing someone but he didn't actually ghost you. He still saw you but his circumstances had changed. In all honesty if he actually really liked the other woman he met then it makes sense that he have a real life relationship with her. Rather than a purely online relationship with you. I know you said it didn't work out between them but he probably wanted to give it a chance with her.

I want to add as well that even though you were talking online to a guy for six weeks or six months, it still doesn't mean they'd be into you in person. Or that you'd even be into them. It's the same as just talking on a dating app and then going on a date in real life. Most of the time those dates didn't go anywhere. So just because you talked virtually doesn't equate to the chemistry being there in person. And if the guy wasn't into you in person then surely they don't need to force themselves to be with you? They don't have to pretend to be into you just to be polite because you talked online for six months.

I think if you like to travel and you enjoy meeting guys in those locations, that's fine. But unless you can move there then I don't think it's fair to have high expectations of these men. When people travel, yes they'll sometimes look for companionship or a fling. But I don't think they usually talk for six months before. They probably start talking to people on a dating app in that place close to when they're going to arrive. Or they only start matching on people on apps when they actually get there.

I think you really need to lower your expectations and not put much effort into it. Just go to the country/place and enjoy having that guy to talk to and show you around. If you're not going to be there long then just enjoy the moment and enjoy that it is what it is. Like, if someone just wants to show you around as a friend then that's still better than being alone, right?

[MissCanuck]

I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment by entertaining options who live far away from you. It's not a great prospect, from the get-go. 

Right away, you're having to sustain weeks (or months) of online communication, which can lose its lustre easily.  Real life gets in the way, the potential to meet someone else locally is high and in all probability it's not going to develop into more. There are exceptions, yes, but you are seeing why chatting with guys who don't live nearby and that you can't meet quickly (or regularly) is stacking the odds against you. 

With this specific man, maybe it will be a fun holiday fling. I just wouldn't count on more. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, toothless5 said:

Come to find out from a friend of his, he had met someone the week prior. (Ironically, it didn't last and was pretty much over within a couple of weeks)

That is precisely why you dont invest into stuff like this. You will spends weeks and months being available for somebody, to whom you are replaceable as a piece of used toothbrush. He had no problem to gaslight you and replace you with random somebody who it didn't lasted at all. Even though he was more than willing to accommodate you and even let you come to him. But didn’t really wanted to see you at all. He just didnt cared about you. And that is the reality of most of those. Most of those long distance things are a fantasy. You dont know the person from the other side of the screen. They may say how they care for you and all, but in a reality, as you can see, they really dont in most cases. To them you are a replaceable thing. A piece of board to entertain them at the moment. But when push comes to show, they will show their true face. And how little they care. That is why investing yourself into something like that is not a smart thing to do. You will “burn yourself”. Over somebody who wont even care that you did that. 

You do that with the new guy as well. You make an effort to see him(yeah yeah “you just happen to be in his city”) but would he make an effort to see you other than “I will maybe show up when we schedule”? For example, even if your meeting goes good, would he be willing to come to see you in the near future? Not “just happen to be in your city” but “I am coming to see you”. You have a meeting scheduled so see how it goes. But dont invest into something if you see it has no future at all and that the guy is getting milk-toast about you.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others.  I was long distance but in a situation where we'd been engaged in the past and had specific plans  to close the distance plus could see each other every 11-14 days.  And that was hard too! 

I agree with the others that you are the common denominator/setting yourself up for failure.

If you have this penchant for pursuing men who live far away I'd first ask whether -it's clear to me anyway -you're taking the safe way out talking to strangers at length who live far away just because you might be visiting their city or country.

But if something thrills you and excites you about long distance I'd do it this way since  you seem to travel quite a bit.  If you know someone in that city ask to be set up with an available guy who would have fun sort of having a harmless fling where he shows you around, you go on dates, knowing it's only for that time.  Or do a singles trip abroad or to another city.  30 years ago I had a 3 day fun fling with my friend's then husband's good friend.  We actually had a lot in common -weird stuff in common - he was hot, he was a great dancer and didn't get pushy to be more intimate than I wanted -at all - so we had fun kissing/making out.  Lovely dinners. 

At the end of my stay he said -should we try to keep in touch/keep dating - but not with total enthusiasm -we both knew and were realistic about 3,000 miles being too much.  So I smiled and said I didn't think it would work, we parted with a lovely kiss and I think I sent him flowers or something.  We saw each other at events a few times over the years and all was well.  It's a really great memory -we were both single, had mutual friends, had so much fun in a great city and some really fun romance! So if you truly get a kick out of that sort of no strings attached fun/excitement that is what I suggest.

[SophiaG]

11 hours ago, toothless5 said:

so I'm not entirely sure how it happened

Is he within your set distance on the app (some can be as far as 250 miles) or did he manipulate his location?

11 hours ago, toothless5 said:

I will talk to a guy for weeks or months; and then, a few days before, a week before....they meet someone else, and then they lose interest.

If you are on dating apps it's natural everyone is talking to more than one person. Why wouldn't they have met someone during the weeks or months you've been talking? Many people (including myself) would meet asap to avoid all this wasted time and energy.

11 hours ago, toothless5 said:

But, when I brought up....things....he acted very perplexed, and was like...."This wasn't supposed to be a thing. Just two friends."

You are in two different countries. He probably never thought of it as "a thing" to begin with.

I think the key question is - Why do you continue to invest so much time in talking with people who live far away and cannot meet within a reasonable amount of time, and expect them to not be seeing/seeking others during the prolonged time you've been only pen pals?

[Tinydance]

I think it can be nice to have someone show you around their city when you're visiting. Especially if you don't speak the language. And in some countries tourists get treated differently where they can get scammed or quoted higher prices for things. But if you have a local with you who knows things, they don't "try it on" with you. So I can definitely see the benefit of that. And that's why sites like Couchsurfing exist. 

The part I don't really understand is the talking for six months or six weeks before travelling to the place. If you're not going to move there then it won't be an actual relationship. So if you're getting to know them online for six months first then you need to accept it can be for friendship or maybe nothing will even happen.

It's probably OK to keep in touch here and there. Like add to social media and comment on a photo once in a while. But talking all the time and video calling like you're getting ready to start a relationship doesn't really make sense.

And yes of course you hope you can still see them when you get there but there can be different outcomes. Maybe they won't even meet you, maybe they'll meet you and won't be interested/you won't be interested, maybe you'll be friends, maybe you'll fall in love. Who knows. But it's the same as going on any date from online. Some people I know met their husband or wife on a date from online. But some were stood up or ghosted. You just don't know.