Need advice: Is it sex-only and are the red flags bad enough to run?

[CosmicJellybean]

I’m pretty sure that I know what my situation is and how to proceed but since I have never been great at personal relationships & was with my late husband since I was 20, I would like some advice.

I (47F) was contacted by someone online (48M) who had in his profile that he was looking to start something fun with benefits and see if more comes from it. He said that he has never been married and doesn’t have kids. I agreed and we have met 2 times already for sex. There is more background but nothing that would give more information. The first time was at my home because he said he had recently moved from out of state and was staying with family and didn’t have his own place yet. He said that once he got a place in the next couple months, I could come over there. We had sex twice during the first meeting and we talked in between, he really enjoys cuddling. Although he said he was an open book & I could ask anything, his answers were short and to the point, no elaboration and no volunteering of information. I, however, really am an open book. I asked him his last name but I didn’t catch it and felt embarrassed to ask again because I am that person who has to ask the same question multiple times because I can’t hear conversation level audio very well & people get annoyed. He then went out of the country for a couple of weeks which I am pretty sure actually happened. I did get pictures, one with him in it & location verified by Google Lens, and I got a very short good morning video where he said the location and panned the camera over the view which matched what he said. I also checked the app we met on & it had him located in that country. *Issue here: he asked me to be exclusive to him, not being on any apps/sites or sex with other people, before we had sex. I asked him to reciprocate which he agreed to. I looked and his profile is still active on the app.

He told me when he got back in town and a few days later asked me suddenly if I could meet him that night at a hotel but we would only meet for about an hour. Once there, I asked him why the hotel and he said that it was booked for a client from work but that the person wasn’t there yet and so he had access to the room. I’ve stayed in enough hotels to notice a few things felt wrong with the situation. 1. He said the client hadn’t come in town yet so the room was still empty but I noticed (after, smh) that the other bed was messed up like someone had already slept there. 2. He didn’t seem to have a key when we left or it was already turned in like someone had checked out already. 3. He walked me to my car and we both left at the same time. He did not check out. These things made me think that the room had already been used and he was just making use of it afterward but why lie? Maybe the ick factor of using a room left over from someone else?  

My contact with him is sporadic with most of the regular interactions being initiated by me except for making plans to meet for sex. His conversation is mostly about sex only. I did ask him later to spell his last name (because I didn't catch it the first time.) I said that I would like it for safety reasons to let my daughter know where I was and who I was with just in case but he gave me the run around and I eventually dropped it after a while because it he kept evading, thinking I could get it next time another way.

He said that has no social media besides Snapchat (and that I could find.) His phone number does not give me any information except for his first name when I look it up, I even paid for BeenVerified and nothing, without his last name or more information I can't find anything. He does work with computers and software. While he kept most of our more sexual conversation to Snapchat, he has been more active on actual text since he got back in town, including talk about sex. I did worry that he was hiding what he was doing from someone by using Snapchat. I get that may still be the case.

I know there are so many red flags and I should run but I clearly make bad decisions. My late husband flew red flags as well but I married him. I’m not looking for someone to tell me that I am dumb, I totally get that there is a 90+% chance I’m just being used & this situation will not work out into something more besides sex & me getting hurt.

I keep thinking that I will get more information when we meet up again & he might actually be legitimate but I don’t come away with anything helpful. He looks and acts super sweet when we are together (all 2 times in person.) I do not know how to be in a sex-only situationship, especially when sometimes his actions or words make it confusing. I am trying to stay in the mindset of sex-only and not contact him unless he contacts me to avoid looking clingy/needy since I have a hard time separating sex from feelings. I don’t know if me trying to not contact him looks like I don’t want more though. I don’t know where the line is. I am so confused and feel like I am 20 years old getting jerked around again, except that I was actually friends with my husband before. Any advice is welcome.

[Batya33]

You had this man inside you, you had sex with him -and you don't know his last name, had to verify via google he was where he said he was, and he only has Snapchat at his age? Really? You are so lucky he didn't rape you that first time or bring others into your home to rape or assault or rob you.  Please don't let strangers into your home. Yes -he wants a monogamous sexual relationship with you on your end - yes he wants to focus on only sex with you.  And it seems highly likely he is not who he says he is, doesn't work where he says he works and most likely is married/has a partner he is cheating on.

To me how you've gone about this is not the way to go about meeting someone to go on dates with.  You agreed to meet up for sex but now it sounds like you regret having a sexual arrangement.

Also I'd get  tested for STDs.  ASAP.

I've never had casual sex but if you still want to meet up with this sweet man who meets up with you for sex in a used hotel room and won't tell you who he is or give you his real contact info -do this.  If you are horny and want to have sex with him contact him and arrange a mutually convenient time and place to meet up for sex.  If he contacts you and you're in the mood to have sex, figure out a mutually convenient time.  No need to act as if you're dating or think about how often to contact him or whether to contact him -this is sex - there are no rules really except it's impolite if you say you're going to meet up then you don't show up and don't call in advance just as you would with like a business meeting.

[shouldhavelearned]

Crazy

What do you want from the relationship?

Doesn't seem like you want the same things. 

And the whole hotel thing...what the 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

 I do not know how to be in a sex-only situationship, especially when sometimes his actions or words make it confusing. I am trying to stay in the mindset of sex-only and not contact him unless he contacts me to avoid looking clingy/needy since I have a hard time separating sex from feelings. I don’t know if me trying to not contact him looks like I don’t want more though. I don’t know where the line is. I am so confused and feel like I am 20 years old getting jerked around again, except that I was actually friends with my husband before. Any advice is welcome.

A sex only relationship is about sex only. He doesn't seem confused, he is contacting you to get sex and has been clear about that. Everything is in service to get that sex. Otherwise he is being evasive and not forthcoming about himself. Friends with benefits tend to be light on the friends, heavy on the benefit, which seems the case for him.

I'd ask myself if this is really you or something you want to be involved in. If you do, its your choice. But it means not trying to be anything else or get closer and being okay with just meeting up when either of you wants sex. 

From what you've said, I don't think this is you.You don't want to separate sex from feelings, which is what this situation calls for. You're worried about how your actions come off, which is going to cause you more stress and indicates deeper feelings then he is going to be able to return. You already feel jerked around and unhappy. Do you really think it will get any better?

You tried something new, and that's fine. Now ask yourself if this is something you want to continue. Do the benefits outweigh the costs? Or will this do more harm for you then good?

[MissCanuck]

This man sounds married, OP. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well, if you're asking if you're being used, as in for sex. Yes you are. I think that from the way this guy is behaving it does sound like he only just wants quick sex and that's it. I mean, there are different ways people do FWB. There are people who do actually hang out or are friends in some sense. Like, they'll have sex but the person will sleep over and they might have dinner or breakfast together. And they might watch a movie or something. And maybe they might catch up occasionally like to go to an event they both like or something. So they're nice to each other but they're still seeing other people and they're not in a relationship.

Then there's people who just want sex and that's it. Like, once they have sex, they just leave. It sounds like this is what this guy wants. He probably said that there's possibility it could become more because he'd get more matches on the dating app that way. So on one hand his behaviour is consistent with someone who just wants a quick hookup. He keeps conversations to a minimum and only messages about sex. I think the part that he doesn't chat much isn't suspicious just on its own. But what I think is really suspicious are his other behaviours and what appear to be lots of lies.

I highly doubt that he has no social media except Snapchat. And Snapchat is the app where your messages get deleted afterwards, right? Well, that seems very convenient. Also seems very suspicious that conveniently he's "staying with family." Seems like it's probably another lie.

I have to say that what the biggest red flag is, is the hotel situation. I think it's very obvious that the client wasn't going to stay in that room. Because even if they were staying in the hotel room, why would HE have the keys or swipe card or whatever? And how could the client stay there if someone had sex in the bed? Of course he wouldn't do that! My best guess is he already had sex with a different woman in the first bed and that's why the bed was used. And then he told you to come over. Just gross! And my other guess is yes he is married and that's why he's using hotels and he's always in such a rush. I mean if he wasn't married why could he only be in the hotel room for 30 minutes?

And it's a bit rich to ask you to be exclusive to him when it's very likely he's sleeping with other women. And regardless why should you be exclusive to someone who just calls you over for 30 minutes then boots you out? You could spend more quality time with your vibrator lol

 

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, he is definitely married or in a relationship and just looking for sex. He said he just wants sex and just calls you to a shady hotels and stuff like that. You are in an affair, not in a relationship. His “Are we exclusive” is just “Dont have sex with anybody else” kind of thing. Meaning for you not to sleep around. Even though he probably has wife or girlfriend and you from the side.

Also, your own home for the first time with a complete stranger? I am a man and even I can tell you how dangerous that is. You are lucky you got out alive there. If you are going to have ONS things, dont bring them home but use his “tactic” and get them to a hotel room. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, he is definitely married or in a relationship and just looking for sex. He said he just wants sex and just calls you to a shady hotels and stuff like that. You are in an affair, not in a relationship. His “Are we exclusive” is just “Dont have sex with anybody else” kind of thing. Meaning for you not to sleep around. Even though he probably has wife or girlfriend and you from the side.

Also, your own home for the first time with a complete stranger? I am a man and even I can tell you how dangerous that is. You are lucky you got out alive there. If you are going to have ONS things, dont bring them home but use his “tactic” and get them to a hotel room. 

Yes and now I have company in what I posted.  Also OP I don't think you are being used for sex - you chose to have sex with him when you did.  So to me that is not being used and he from all I can tell did not promise to take you out on proper dates or even give you basic info about himself.  I do think you might be lying to yourself and as a  result you put yourself in harm's way and you're using the sort of but I haven't dated in years.  It doesn't matter -you're not dating him and I'm sure  you know that a date in the traditional sense doesn't mean meeting up with a stranger who wants to remain one for all practical purposes and having sex. It's also not friends with benefits. He is not a friend of yours.  

It's nice that he's sooooo sweet. So meet him in a public place for ice cream for double sweetness -except I bet he will not be up for a plan like that. Please be sweeter to yourself.

I do no think it's ok for him to lie to you about sexual monogamy because of the risk of STDs.

[Jaunty]

If you don't like just hooking up for sex, don't do it.   

The path to a full committed relationship is not going to be found by meeting a stranger for sex.   

Why did you agree to this when it was not what you wanted for yourself?

Plus he's almost certainly married or in a relationship.  

 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

I have a hard time separating sex from feelings.

Then why on Earth did you agree to meet up with someone with a profile like his? It's like you're a feather and just go whatever way the wind blows.

In your shoes, what would I do?

Block him. Don't date again until you have:

Read a book on how to date wisely.

Read articles on safety when it comes to dating and just being out in the world.

Get clear with yourself on what your dating/relationship goals are and stick to them.

Don't have sex with a man until months into a relationship when it's clear he has the same dating/relationship goals as you (that is if you want longterm).

Get a life coach.

If there is a friend or relative who you see as normally making wise decisions in life, ask their opinion about what you're about to do for major things.

 

You speak of knowing you're lacking in decision making skills, but that's something you can improve upon. Have a spine and don't be a yes person if your gut is telling you it's not what you want, etc. Words are powerful so don't self-sabotage by telling yourself negative things about yourself and that those things are set in stone. You can evolve into being a better version of yourself by educating yourself with reading material and skilled professionals. If you don't put that work in first, you will keep repeating the same mistakes. Take care.

[TeeDee]

15 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

I have a hard time separating sex from feelings. 

A lot of people have that same issue.  If having sex causes you to catch feelings, you have to discipline yourself not to have casual sex.  You are not hardwired to do NSA so don't do it.  

This guy only wants casual.  If you were the type of person who could have sex without emotions or attachments having fun with this guy would be fine.  You are not that person.  You are going to get hurt. 

In addition to only wanting sex you also know the guy is a liar.  Seriously inviting you to some client's hotel room -- what the f? 

[HeartGoesOn]

No offence, but I can't wrap my head around your choice to invite a stranger whom you've never met, into your home and jumped right into having sex.

Either way, he may or not be married, yet the bigger issue is not realizing(or refusing to see the danger of this choice.) In short it appears he feels like he hit the jackpot.

Time to think...

[smackie9]

This guy is definitely married. 

It seems you want a relationship...you don't get that with having sex with a total stranger that feeds you lies...yes I can see whatever comes out of his mouth are lies. 

[Tinydance]

OK so let's say if you did just want sex. I think you'd need to think about whether the situation itself is what you really want. Like, "What am I getting out of it?" You would probably need to think what you want it to look like. You actually seemed to want to have conversations with this man, getting to know him, knowing where he is, and so on. So in the very least it sounds like you'd want at least some kind of "friend with benefits" where the friend part was present. But really it sounds more like you don't even want just sex and you want dating. Because you seem to had mentioned a couple of times if it could lead to more than sex. It doesn't appear that this guy wants anything beyond a quickie and that's it really.

And in all honesty he's not really obligated to tell you his life story or where he is if it's just sex. Even if you did come to his house, he wouldn't need to cook you dinner, watch a movie, do anything really. And if he goes travelling he doesn't have to tell you where he is, who he's with, what he's doing. Basically you have no claims to know him as a person really or to his time. However if you're sleeping with him based on the premise he's single, never married, no kids and not seeing anyone else- then you do have a right to be angry if he lied.

I also want to point out that this sex is meant to be mutual and you are not a prostitute. So the fact you get called at the last minute and you rush to his hotel just for an hour of sex...Well basically that's like a prostitute being hired for an hour. But a prostitute would get paid but what do you get? I mean unless the sex was amazing for that one hour. But to me it would seem very rushed and on a timer if you knew you have only an hour. Doesn't seem like you could fully enjoy it.

[CosmicJellybean]

Everything everyone has said is the truth and makes sense. If I was reading my own post I’d wonder at the absolute stupidity of that person. This whole situation is freaking dumb on my part & definitely unsafe. Being lonely is no excuse for doing this and allowing myself to be used. I knew this was the response that I’d get because I knew it was wrong in every sense. 
I will definitely get tested for STI’s or STD’s.

I may just pull back from trying to find someone since I’m clearly so bad at it. I was with my husband from 20-38 & have been alone the last 9 years since then. I just started to see about getting into dating about 6 months ago but I don’t know how to proceed since I’ve never really dated & definitely don’t know how to start at my age. I know my lack of friends & absolutely no social life contributed to being willing to accept a ridiculous situation just to be close to someone even if it’s just made me feel worse in the end. Hating & being afraid of being alone isn’t an excuse. It just really really sucks.
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I will end this situation and try to make better decisions going forward. 

[yogacat]

Co-sign with others that he is definitely married or otherwise involved. You knew the risks. Having said that you're a grown woman and you made a consensual decision.

If you did something that you regret because it's out of character and makes YOU feel icky and empty, then don't do it again. Simple as that.

What I am saying is --- don't feel bad because it's frowned upon. It conflicted with your values and it wasn't true to the person you want to be. 

So just do what is true to you going forward.

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, CosmicJellybean said:

Everything everyone has said is the truth and makes sense. If I was reading my own post I’d wonder at the absolute stupidity of that person. This whole situation is freaking dumb on my part & definitely unsafe. Being lonely is no excuse for doing this and allowing myself to be used. I knew this was the response that I’d get because I knew it was wrong in every sense. 
I will definitely get tested for STI’s or STD’s.

I may just pull back from trying to find someone since I’m clearly so bad at it. I was with my husband from 20-38 & have been alone the last 9 years since then. I just started to see about getting into dating about 6 months ago but I don’t know how to proceed since I’ve never really dated & definitely don’t know how to start at my age. I know my lack of friends & absolutely no social life contributed to being willing to accept a ridiculous situation just to be close to someone even if it’s just made me feel worse in the end. Hating & being afraid of being alone isn’t an excuse. It just really really sucks.
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I will end this situation and try to make better decisions going forward. 

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're human and humans make mistakes all the time - especially when they're desperate to feel human connection.

I would definitely count your lucky stars nothing bad happened to you and start finding healthy ways to connect with people. Have you thought about volunteering? Joining meet-up groups? Are you religious? Is there a class you always wanted to sign up?

[Jaunty]

I don't want you to beat yourself up, but please don't keep going to the idea that he is "usig you for sex."  In reality, you entered into a sex-only relationship with full knowledge that this is what the man was offering to you.  

You were  in control of what happened here and you can be in control of what you choose to do with men you meet in the future.

Take good care of yourself and don't put that responsibility into the hands of strangers, especially when they've been up front about not wanting what you want. 

 

 

[CosmicJellybean]

I totally get that I accepted what was offered, that is on me so I can’t say he was using me, at least not in the sense of using me without my knowledge. He’s only in the wrong if he lied about not being in a relationship and/or being exclusive while sleeping with me. I don’t know if either one of those things is true but odds are not looking good.
I fully take responsibility for my actions and decisions. I thought I could do NSA but clearly I cannot. That’s something to keep in mind if I decide to try again. I know I lack a spine as one poster said, that’s been a lifetime issue that I thought had gotten better until recently put to the test. That’s why I’m thinking of just not trying again. I ended up in a controlling narcissistic marriage the first time.
It’s embarrassing that I did this and I got lucky because a lot of things could have gone wrong. I think I needed the shame and recrimination to look at it without feelings & make a better choice. It’d help if I had any female friends or anyone close enough to talk to about things like this. Clearly I need to get back into therapy when I can afford it. 
Please keep in mind that there is a lot of background about myself that I haven’t shared which can at least point to why I would do smoothing this stupid. Maybe this will help someone who needs to see this as the example of what not to do and why. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

Please keep in mind that there is a lot of background about myself that I haven’t shared which can at least point to why I would do smoothing this stupid.

OP, you don't need to defend or justify your choices to us here. 

If you are uncomfortable with your own decisions, then absolutely dig into that so it doesn't happen again. But it is not necessary to present your case here,, so to speak.

There are red flags all over this man and it would have been wise to run, it's true. However, it's important that you aren't too hard on yourself. Get yourself tested and don't communicate with him anymore. Get some compassionate support in therapy, if you choose. Please don't beat yourself up over this, though. Learn from it and let it propel you forward rather than feeling ashamed or stupid about it. 

[Jaunty]

You're not doing yourself any favors by referring to yourself with words like "stupid" and feeling like you deserve shame and recrimination.

Most of the people here, myself included, are not trying to shame you at all.  There is no shame in sex.  And this guy doesn't owe you or any other woman he has casual sex with insight into his personal life, so you can't really say he is "in the wrong" per se.  He just wanted to have sex and in the moment you appeared up for that.  

And now you know you are NOT up for it.

If your difficult past is dictating how you make important decisions now, and in a destructive way, then please do get some help working through that.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

I totally get that I accepted what was offered, that is on me so I can’t say he was using me, at least not in the sense of using me without my knowledge. He’s only in the wrong if he lied about not being in a relationship and/or being exclusive while sleeping with me. I don’t know if either one of those things is true but odds are not looking good.
I fully take responsibility for my actions and decisions. I thought I could do NSA but clearly I cannot. That’s something to keep in mind if I decide to try again. I know I lack a spine as one poster said, that’s been a lifetime issue that I thought had gotten better until recently put to the test. That’s why I’m thinking of just not trying again. I ended up in a controlling narcissistic marriage the first time.
It’s embarrassing that I did this and I got lucky because a lot of things could have gone wrong. I think I needed the shame and recrimination to look at it without feelings & make a better choice. It’d help if I had any female friends or anyone close enough to talk to about things like this. Clearly I need to get back into therapy when I can afford it. 
Please keep in mind that there is a lot of background about myself that I haven’t shared which can at least point to why I would do smoothing this stupid. Maybe this will help someone who needs to see this as the example of what not to do and why. 

Don't try "this" again -"this" had nothing to do with venturing into the dating scene.  I agree with the others and with you and please do not beat yourself up and I'm glad you're ok.  

I'm 58.  When I was 19 in the space of a month my high school sweetheart and I broke up (not a shock but sad!), my best friend got engaged and if I have the timing right it's when my sibling fell madly in love with her future husband (now ex but that's another story).  I was jealous, I was sad, I was frustrated.  I walked around the city by myself that day feeling sorry for myself and I bought a bridal magazine as I was going to be maid of honor for my sister and best friend. I sat on a train leafing through the beautiful dresses and a man sitting next to me looked over and asked if I was getting married and typically I'd not speak to a stranger -and he was older - but in my frame of mind -which is the point -I did. He gave me some lame compliment about my looks, the dresses whatever.

I was a totally street smart teenager -grew up in a gritty neighborhood, went into the city at all hours all the time.  But that day- in my frame of mind -next thing I knew this man had his arm around the back of the train seat and likely was about to touch me.  I finally snapped out of it. 

I quickly got up and realized -wow -all my street smarts and basic common sense went out the window because of my pity party.  Really learned a lesson that day.  I made similar mistakes as a teen/20s when I wasn't in the right, reasonably confident, reasonably secure frame of mind for trying to meet the right person -and sometimes I felt like I "should" be cool.  And made dumb mistakes. So please know it can happen, we try to do our best to "snap out of it" and not have to do much damage control.  I get it.  Take care and you seem to be on a really good path!

(Also FWIW I like how Yogacat put it -am a fan of "icky" because it brings it on home, simple and basic)

 

[Andrina]

I think therapy and building a fulfilling life forming new friendships, or at least engaging in a new hobby/activity right now should be your only goals. Sometimes friendships are slow to build and it takes years being around the same people before that might happen. But as long as you're enjoying a group activity, that in itself is better than you have now.

In building that solid foundation, you will be better prepared when eventually venturing into dating. You will be in a place where you want to share your joy versus a man being the sole source of your joy. Good luck.

[TeeDee]

9 hours ago, CosmicJellybean said:

 I thought I could do NSA but clearly I cannot. That’s something to keep in mind if I decide to try again. 

So you learned something.  We learn from our mistakes.  

What you already did doesn't matter as much as what you learned from the experience so you can do better going forward.