How can I help my husband understand that I can't do more than I'm already doing

[Ellanoreee]

I (29f) have been married to my husband (29m) for almost seven years. We have a child who is 6.

Today, my husband was really upset at me. He had done a lot of yard work the last two days, and he said he was upset because there is "a noticeable discrepancy in the amount of work I do and the amount of work he does." I told him that that's true because he's working full time and I'm not, for the reasons I'll list below. I told him that I didn't know what else I could do. He also said the fact that while he was doing yard work, after about an hour and a half I went inside to sleep, and he felt alone.

I unfortunately have POTS syndrome which makes me dizzy a lot, hypothyroidism which is mostly under control, and idiopathic tachycardia (fast heart rate). I take beta blockers for the fast heart rate as well as I'm on medication for hypothyroidism. I have horrible PMDD and struggle to keep anemia under control. With all of this, I have a really rough go of trying to feel well. On top of this, I just finished treatment for h pylori a month ago, and I'm finally feeling like I'm beginning to recover. I don't have a full time job. I make digital art on the side and I do makeup on the side as well. I home school our child every week day. I worked up until the time we started home schooling. I also take care of some of my parents' family business, but not full time.

The part that really bothered me about my interaction with my husband was that he actually said all of these reasons that I've stated above and said, "I know you struggle with x, y and z. But I just feel like you don't care how much I do." Even though I constantly (by constantly I mean every day) thank him because I feel so guilty that I can't do as much. I also say constantly that I wish I could work outside of the home, which I mentioned again today, and he said that if I did, I would use it as an excuse to why I couldn't do anything at home. I'm also very upset because I tell my husband all of the time how much it makes me sad how often I feel fatigued. On days that I feel good, I do so much because I don't know when I'm going to feel alright again.

I either make or get food delivered. The three of us go grocery shopping together.I always do laundry and dishes. He sometimes will wash a dish or two, like a couple of dishes if he needs something that is in the sink & not clean. I make sure the bills are paid.

A few hours later and my husband has tried to say he's sorry for being so intense, but I'm still hurt. And I also don't know what I can possibly do to do more when I literally feel horrible so often. I do my best to feel well. I take medicine, vitamins and avoid food I'm supposed to avoid.

Does anyone else struggle with chronic illnesses and taking care of their home? How do you help your partner understand that you literally can't do some things? And that it's not you choosing to not do stuff, but your body?

 

[Coily]

That's a lot of chronic problems you are struggling with, and I'm sorry to hear that.

The fact your husband, once he cooled down, apologized shows that he is aware of your limitations. It's not that he can't understand, but he nor anyone else can really feel what you are going through, no matter how you often describe it.

He does intrinsically know your problems, but he feels the weight of what he considers picking up the slack. That may be unfair on his part, yet no amount of verbal thanks can bridge that gap. Sorry.

13 minutes ago, Ellanoreee said:

I went inside to sleep

I think this is what bothered him the most. It was him feeling like he was alone in struggling with the yard-work. It got him to feeling he was unappreciated. On this particular topic, there could have been some way of you just being there to keep him company. It's small but it would have helped.

I think that this is just a moment you should both forgive, and you both should talk about way to work together in this in future. Maybe when he's struggling in the yard you can read outside with him when you physically can't help. Or when you need to lay down, ask him to join you for a bit. Sometimes it's the little things. Find ways to keep working as a team.

Some may say he's a heartless brute, but from the way you speak of him, he's not. He just screwed up and spoke before thinking.

[TeeDee]

Get your doctor to explain your conditions to him & how they affect you.  He won't hear / understand / or believe you.