Is it really unappealing for a man to live at home?

[Alittlehelpplz]

Ok so I live at home. I just turned 35. 
I was out for a while but came back. I live in California and things are extremely expensive here. 
needless to say, I’m pretty insecure about it. 
my therapist told me I’m putting unneeded pressure on myself. The right partner won’t trip over it as long as you are driven. 
 

he told me the great things I have going for me and said I need to calm down about it. 
 

I just graduated with my MBA. I have a great job with amazing benefits. I make good money but about to transition to a better job due to my new degree. 
I help my parents out with bills and etc. They are getting up in age, so I help them out. 
 

im planning on continuing to save money and moving out next year or the beginning of the next. It’s just really expensive and renting really doesn’t make sense to me. 
 

is this really unappealing. 
 

also, it’s not a small house in the least. 6 bedroom home, tons of space. Different floors. 
im not sure if thats a factor 

[Coily]

For too many women it can be unappealing. And foolishly so.

It's a phenomenon born out of the post WW2 era, that some people would rather have the appearance of living independently, rather than being successful.  There is a stigma of specifically men living with an extended family, portrayed as never growing up or something along those lines. Even when reality is like yours, where you have done a lot for yourself.

Meanwhile other people have roommates and no one blinks an eye.

Personally, any woman that would degrade a man for living at home in this day and age, I would rudely dismiss from my dating pool. She clearly would value appearance over substance.

[yogacat]

My father lives with me post stroke because he can't live alone and needs help with certain things.

If someone isn't cool with it, oh well. Everyone has their limits.

This is yours.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

is this really unappealing. 

In my country? Nah, you typically move out when you get married, sometimes not even then. My sister lives with husband and her in-laws. And they are rich, own multiple properties where they could live. But they live in the same big house, just separate entrances. 

In California? Most probably yes. Its looked differently in USA and other countries. A child is not typically living at their parents home past some age. When you get to college you are typically out. Come to holidays for dinners and thats it. Unless its emergency and its required to, you typically move out after some time. Its more "West philosophy" of thinking. For example, in Germany, if you want to live with your parents after you already have a job, you pay rent. That is why I said its probably looked differently in California. Which is strange because California is expensive. You are probably saving more with living with them than if you would rent. But again, not everybody would look at your situation favorably. Especially if you date. And sometimes even for you it can be awkward. "Hi mom and dad, this is Stacy, I brought her home from club, she spent the night and now she is leaving and we will never see each other again". 

[TeeDee]

There are women who will find it off putting but California is a HCOL place.  I would not try to bring an adult lady friend to mom & dad's house for some romance but other than that the right person will be OK with it.  

[SophiaG]

In your situation it sounds perfectly justifiable. People frown upon adults who live with their parents to avoid adulting and take advantage of their parents. If you can demonstrate you are financially independent, not a leech and can manage living on your own (cook & eat healthily, clean after yourself, do your chores, etc.) it shouldn't be a huge concern.

[Batya33]

If I were dating now it would depend on why but if it was to save money in this crazy sky high everything that matters time -rent, eggs, whatever -I would understand for sure.  I lived at home till I was 28 and fiinished grad school.  Back then in the 1990s I was turned off by a man who was done with school and working and close to 30 or over 30 and chose to live with his parents unless it was to  care for his parents or it was a temporary living situation.  My opinion back then was typical of all my friends (this was in NYC).But I think things are so different now so I bet it would be seen as no biggie!

[shouldhavelearned]

For the right person, they won't care.

[ShySoul]

The right person will like you for you, not where you live. They will be open to listening to your circumstances and won't judge you for it. Anyone who does, isn't the kind of person you would want to be with.

I'm in California. I know how expensive it is. Saving every dollar counts. I went to college locally and stayed at home to save money. My brothers moved in and out into their 30s. As far as I know, no one ever had a problem with any of us. It was simply the circumstances at the time and what we needed in order to help us get on our feet.

I have a cousin who still lives at home in his mid 30s. I've also seen how people are staying at home longer more and more, due to a variety of reasons including costs. Do some research and you'll see its not that uncommon.

There are also some cultures where staying with family or being there for them is expected. Some people may even like this from you.

Focus on what you need to do to build your life. That is what matters. Any one good for you will be understanding and this who are not, aren't worth your time.

[Cherylyn]

No,  it's not unappealing for a man to live at home.  My husband and I both lived at home during a brief courtship prior to marriage.  We saved our money while living at home so it was economically beneficial.   We didn't have rent nor any bills to pay.  We were able to afford a huge down payment on the first of our many houses.  🏠  🏡 🏘️

As long as a man has potential such as in your case with your degree,  a promising future,  current great job with benefits and solid income,  a woman can foresee her future as stable and financially sound.  Knowing your situation is temporary is not a deal breaker.

 

[LootieTootie]

On 9/25/2024 at 9:53 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

my therapist told me I’m putting unneeded pressure on myself. The right partner won’t trip over it as long as you are driven. 

Agree with your therapist.

[tattoobunnie]

Even though Cali has always been high, the housing market has been insane for the past few years.  If a person snubs you over it, they are probably in reality, house poor.  Be kind. Take the initiative. You will meet the right person.

My FIL makes $150/hour (that doesn't include overtime either), and he lives in a crappy apartment complex with his wife by choice.  So, don't think you are behind.  As long as you don't have meddling parents, you're good.

[Andrina]

On 9/25/2024 at 12:53 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

I help my parents out with bills and etc. They are getting up in age, so I help them out. 

Well, you're doing what's best for yourself at the moment, so if some stranger you haven't even met yet isn't okay with that choice, why would you change what you're doing?

Besides that, I'll just throw this out there, but have you considered applying for jobs in your field in more affordable states? My childhood friend moved her family from California to Oregon after her brother did so first, and then their elderly parents followed suit. They got some good deals on houses at the time.

I told my parents to move by me in Florida from Calif. if they wanted me to care for them in their elderly years. The house in Florida was 1/4 of the price of the one in Calif. so they got around 300,000 to stash in savings that they wouldn't have privy to had they stayed in Calif. If you will be the one caring for your parents in their old ages, they might be willing to follow you to the other state and live nearby you, where all of you could live more affordably.

[ShySoul]

On 9/25/2024 at 9:53 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

I help my parents out with bills and etc. They are getting up in age, so I help them out. 

That you are helping your parents out shows you are a good person. I would hope a person could see that as a positive sign.

Also keep in mind that while California is expensive, a lot of that is because of the things California tends to lead in. It's one of top states for health care. It pushes to be green and environmentally friendly. There is a wide variety of climates and opportunities. Where else can you go from snowy mountains to sandy ocean beaches in a few hours?

Prices are going up everywhere. There is always a trade-off between costs and whats available where you live. More expensive areas can also mean higher wages. So figure out what the best financial plan is for you and the kind of life you want to life. Figure out what is important for you and make the decision that us best for you. It's no one else's decision but yours and the right person will just be happy to have found you.