It feels like my relationship is doomed

[gnocciphew]

I (37M) have been in a committed relationship with my (36F) partner for more than 10 years. I've been very hesitant to get married. Parents had a bad divorce. I've worked hard all my life to support myself and hopefully a future marriage and family of some kind. My current partner has a son. I've had lots of other concerns, but I need clarity on one significant pattern right now. I will also add, I've been on quite a self discovery of my own, realizing I had normalized a lot of red flag behaviors and I'm now starting to see them in myself and some close relationships. So if this seems like I'm obviously doing something "wrong" or obviously unhelpful, please let me know kindly. 

My partner is a ton of fun, very bright and loving and kind. But unfortunately has lots of versions of laziness. She's definitely not lazy. She works hard. But I kind of end up working a lot harder. I'm the lead when it comes to pretty much everything involving responsibilities. We split costs on a house (that I bought), she pays a smaller portion than me, and she never reimburses me unless I seek her out. That alone is annoying, but I didn't think it was deal breaking at all.  

I've been trying to step back from feeling like I need to always seek her out (we share a spreadsheet that I update each payment), so I let her be for a long time, hoping she would just kind of realize she needs to pay me. She said, "Of course! no problem!" but has yet to even once show some kind of initiative on this. And now it's been a really long time. And here's the big thing: if I were to ask her to reimburse me for all the unpaid portions, I think it's going to wipe out her savings. Which is insane to me. We were talking about buying a new house and she was pretty clear that she has next to nothing to contribute. I'm angry because I work my ass off and save very responsibly for the future I'd like to create with her. Now I'm realizing she hasn't been doing anything close to that. She has reliable child support, the boy's father is in the picture and seems pretty decent, and she gets lots of support from her mom to care for her son. We don't have a lavish lifestyle. As far as I can tell, she just spends her money away frivolously. Seems to me like she has had every opportunity to save enough to contribute on our next down payment or her next car. I didn't realize how bad it is, though, if she doesn't even have savings at this point. I know she has retirement, but it can't be much. I also don't think she has anything saved for her son as far as college and everything goes. I've tried so hard to support her, but we still argue all the time, and I'm tired of being the nag and the worrier. I also really need to support myself with all my mental issues that I'm now aware of, and I'm really freaked out. I know I could improve my own finances too, and I should just "worry about myself", but I'm astounded that a person could be given so much support, work full time as long as she has, and yet has NO (non-retirement) savings. And when you consider she has a son, it feels flat out negligent. 

edit for clarification: Neither of us have high paying jobs. I make more than her, but not that much. About 5k is all our difference is. 

[SophiaG]

Financial compatibility is pretty important for a committed relationship.

Personally I don't like nagging my partner for every payment (or be nagged for that matter). Ideally we'd have a joint account with proportional contributions to our income that covers expenses and the rest can go to joint savings. This way nobody has to get upset over nagging/reimbursements and you can plan for future expenses with the savings. If she earns significantly less than you and has a son to support you can't expect her to contribute or save as much as you do.

That said I also won't buy houses together before getting married.

 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, gnocciphew said:

I'm astounded that a person could be given so much support, work full time as long as she has, and yet has NO (non-retirement) savings

I am rather surprised you didn't realize this until now. It sounds like you two don't actually communicate much about finances. I am not saying this your fault, to be clear. It just seems odd to me that this is a sudden realization. 

21 minutes ago, gnocciphew said:

As far as I can tell, she just spends her money away frivolously

What is she spending her money on? 

[gnocciphew]

@ MissCanuck. I am astounded as well. I just assumed people saved money I guess. She buys her own stuff. I buy my own. We buy each other gifts. We split meals, we take turns on outings, etc. She spends her money on lots of things: books, records, clothes, she has a couple hobbies, work lunches, etc. That's part of why it's so shocking. She does buy a lot of things for fun's sake, but I never imagined it would be so much that she wouldn't maintain a savings of her own. 

[ShySoul]

https://www.empower.com/press-center/37-americans-cant-afford-emergency-expense-over-400-according-empower-research#:~:text=Greenwood Village%2C COLO – July 2,according to new Empower research. 

This isn't uncommon. A good number of Americans (not sure where you live, so going with what I know) can't afford a four hundred dollar emergency and a fifth have no saving. There are many factors that could be involved, much of which might not be in her control.

What is her background? Did she come from a poor family, so didn't have much to start with? Did she ever learn basic financial information? That's not a skill that some people pick up and are never taught. What is her education? Job experience? Many people work hard at jobs but are underpaid due companies that don't value employees like they should and instead reward wealthy CEOs. Systemic wealth tends to build more wealth, while if you didn't have advantages to start it can be difficult to get ahead. Add in that she is a mom, and that she's had to support a child, and it may not be just about her spending or saving habits.

A relationship should also not be about keeping score. Rarely are the two people going to be equal in terms of finances. And that shouldn't matter. Its about building and sharing a life together. Its a partnership with each person contributing what they can. No person I know is asking their partner to pay them back. They are focused on working together. When you marry you are two becoming one, merging your lives for richer or poorer. Who makes or saves how much isn't as important as the love and life you share with each other.

If this is bothering you, look at where she is at first. See if these are things she just hasn't learned. Then work together to create a budget and plan. Figure out how much she needs for necessities, what would be a fair amount to contribute based on respective incomes. Allocate a portion for fun things. Then save the rest. If its not something she is used to, she'll need to be walked through it and shown how important it is.

But most of all, don't judge her or think any less of her. She seems to be trying and contributing, so she doesn't appear to be a freeloader or not want to help. This doesn't seem like a red flag, just a person who probably isn't strong in financial matters. And there are plenty of great people who fit that description.

[TeeDee]

Money breaks up more relationships than infidelity.  It's a tough subject but you need to talk about it.  Ask questions.  Don't preach or lecture.  Discuss her plan for retirement.  Ask about her relationship with money & her attitude toward savings.   If she asks for help, make a budget with her or direct her toward financial literacy resources.  

[smackie9]

I do understand because you are thinking about the future. You both should be saving for your retirement now. Make an appointment with your bank, and you both have a sit down with a financial planner to get you both set up. When it comes to saving for the future means a serious conversation about planning. Tell her, her habit of missing, or delaying payment and neglect to save money isn't going work. 

[tattoobunnie]

I take it she has ADHD?  Sounds like it by the way you describe her to a T.  All the couples I know, including mine, there is one that pays the bills (I don't mean contribute) - I mean, schedule savings, schedule payments, files taxes.  Some people can't do their finances to save their life.  She's not you, guy.  But, once you're married, it's okay to assume the role of CFO of the household. Since you put off marrying her for a decade, you've now made it a test of her being marriage material - -  Good luck - she won't magically become good at it no matter no many ultimatums you make.

So it's either you love her and accept her for her best qualities or shortcomings, or you part ways and move on.  It's okay to have high fiscal know how and common sense be a dealbreaker.

[gnocciphew]

Thanks everyone for the helpful tips. Some feedback: I'm not asking her to be perfect or even save as much as me. That's literally unreasonable. I'm not being unreasonable when I'm shocked that my partner is an adult with almost a decade of full-time work experience with a son who has zero money in savings. Please keep this in perspective when you think about her situation. I don't mind saving "more" than her. Some people are more spend-happy, some like to save. I'm not dissing people's natures. 

[shouldhavelearned]

As some have said. Communication about finances is key.

If one doesn't contribute money, they can contribute in other ways.

At the end of the day, some commonality needs to be in place on many issues.... especially money.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, gnocciphew said:

. I'm not being unreasonable when I'm shocked that my partner is an adult with almost a decade of full-time work experience with a son who has zero money in savings. Please keep this in perspective when you think about her situation. I don't mind saving "more" than her.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned about her finances. 

But I also wonder, are you looking for a reason to end the relationship? It rather sounds like it.

[ShySoul]

You can be shocked by it and wonder why, or you can do something about it. Talk with her and work with her. Couples deal with finances together, so do what couples do and create a family plan and budget together, based on reasonable factors.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, gnocciphew said:

Thanks everyone for the helpful tips. Some feedback: I'm not asking her to be perfect or even save as much as me. That's literally unreasonable. I'm not being unreasonable when I'm shocked that my partner is an adult with almost a decade of full-time work experience with a son who has zero money in savings. Please keep this in perspective when you think about her situation. I don't mind saving "more" than her. Some people are more spend-happy, some like to save. I'm not dissing people's natures. 

No one here has suggested you are seeking perfection.  I wouldn't be shocked at all.  I know of people who live this way.  Adults.  People are individuals.  And when it comes to money it's often far more nuanced. My attitudes about money have changed over the years although I've basically always been a saver.  I did almost no couponing the 15 years I worked more than full time as a high earner with crazy hours -I was single -I shopped when I could and I didn't look at prices of food or compare- no time not a priority. Now I have even more $ than I did back then but I'm a married mom with a teenage boy who seems to be constantly growing thank goodness and I have more time to coupon/comparison shop so I do that and now really really hate wasting food when I didn't care as much years ago. 

So I shifted quite a lot (I am 58).  But my husband and I are generally on the same page about finances/saving/spending plus I was a SAHM for 7.5 years, he said he didn't need me to contribute any $ to the household but I did -because I wanted to and I'd amassed a nest egg for the purpose of being a SAHM in case I married someone who couldn't afford to have me home for an extended period.  So that's me and I know plenty of SAHM who barely worked prior to marriage/parenthood and therefore their work is unpaid and their husbands are the primary breadwinner.  But still they are on the same page about spending and saving however that uniquely looks for them.  

I don't think saving and spending are set in stone like a "nature" -people change based on life circumstances, the shifting of internal values -heck even the pandemic caused huge changes in peoples' spending, decisions about their homes if they were now teleworking and on and on.  It's not ingrained with rare exception. 

I really like the suggestion of sitting down with  neutral party like a financial advisor.  I have one. I also highly recommend the book stacked and other books/podcasts by the authors.  

[Andrina]

On 9/24/2024 at 11:56 PM, gnocciphew said:

We split costs on a house (that I bought), she pays a smaller portion than me, and she never reimburses me unless I seek her out.

Are there two or more bills she could pay, like electric, water, etc. that would add up to this payment she owes you, assuming that it's like a rent bill? Those type of bills always have a pay by date or the utility is shut off, so that's a good incentive for her to pay in time. When my future husband first moved in with me, I switched to that method as psychologically I thought it was healthier than him handing me money like I was his landlord.

If you don't end up married, I'm more concerned about her not having her own property or shared property with you. She will be left in dire straits. That's why it's always good for you two to meet with a financial advisor since she might be a person who doesn't think beyond the present. 

After the meeting, you can even show how much you care for her and her future by suggesting you two cut the cable cord if you haven't and use that money for her to put into a retirement savings account. I know with inflation, my husband and I have cut down on how often we eat out and get take out.

As for her son, it's nice if a parent saves for college for a child, but it shouldn't be a must-have or expected. I had to pay for my own college expenses.

And you really need to decide once and for all if you want children either with her or someone else if you are confident she is your lifetime love. Her fertility years are dwindling, and has she even expressed interested in having more children?

Good luck and keep us updated on your plan.

[gnocciphew]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned about her finances. 

But I also wonder, are you looking for a reason to end the relationship? It rather sounds like it.

Well, I'd say that this type of situation makes me wonder if I should be considering it.  But don't worry, I do have a therapist that I will talk to about this. 

 

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You can be shocked by it and wonder why, or you can do something about it.

This is a little condescending... I mean... this is an advice forum. I'm asking for advice on what to do about it. Good grief. 

 

On 9/25/2024 at 11:59 AM, tattoobunnie said:

I take it she has ADHD?  Sounds like it by the way you describe her to a T.  All the couples I know, including mine, there is one that pays the bills (I don't mean contribute) - I mean, schedule savings, schedule payments, files taxes.  Some people can't do their finances to save their life.  She's not you, guy.  But, once you're married, it's okay to assume the role of CFO of the household. Since you put off marrying her for a decade, you've now made it a test of her being marriage material - -  Good luck - she won't magically become good at it no matter no many ultimatums you make.

So it's either you love her and accept her for her best qualities or shortcomings, or you part ways and move on.  It's okay to have high fiscal know how and common sense be a dealbreaker.

She's not diagnosed with ADHD, no.  Everyone's different, of course. I have my weaknesses. It takes work to identify them, go to a therapist, and learn about how to cope with them. I don't expect other people to solve my problems. We all need to support each other, and that's what I feel I have done for her and want to continue to do for her, but there seems to be some underlying issue that only she can address. But yes, you are ultimately correct: I need to determine (with a therapists help) if this (and other issues I haven't described) are dealbreakers or not.

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

If you don't end up married, I'm more concerned about her not having her own property or shared property with you. She will be left in dire straits. That's why it's always good for you two to meet with a financial advisor since she might be a person who doesn't think beyond the present. 

 

I love her. I'm not going to evict her. 

 

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

As for her son, it's nice if a parent saves for college for a child, but it shouldn't be a must-have or expected. I had to pay for my own college expenses.

And you really need to decide once and for all if you want children either with her or someone else if you are confident she is your lifetime love. Her fertility years are dwindling, and has she even expressed interested in having more children?

University is much more expensive now. She expects him to go. If she expects him to go to college, I think it's reasonable to expect her to support him with that. *Some* financial support is better than none, especially if she has the capability. 

The decision about our future with kids is settled. 

___

Ok everyone, thanks again for your replies. I'm going to check off on this thread, at least for a few days. I am going to see a therapist about this soon. Peace and love to you all!