Boyfriend watching teen porn

[pine_nut_dancing]

7 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He is a creep. Anyone who watches teen porn is a creep. Whether they look like or are teens, it's still creepy. Most of the teens are trafficked and groomed to do what they do.

I'd be repulsed and I'd see him in a very different light.

If your feelings are telling you this is not okay and you are not okay with this, then trust yourself.

I hear that concern. And yet, it is THE number one porn consumed by people. NUMBER ONE. Wow, seems like a massive scale issue. Yikes. 

[pine_nut_dancing]

On 9/23/2024 at 12:15 PM, smackie9 said:

You end this relationship...that's how you navigate this. L

this isn't exactly helpful. It completely disregards the humanity of it all and that there way way more to my situation then this one scenario. I have really invested a lot into this person and it really isn't that simple. It's easy to say that to someone, but reality is very different. I have really appreciated the people who have put in some level of effort and consideration for how nuanced this is. I get the repulsion, but there's so much more going on here. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod note...Please be respectful towards the opinions of other members.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

And yet, it is THE number one porn consumed by people. NUMBER ONE. Wow, seems like a massive scale issue. Yikes

So?

It being number one or number ten in the charts does not change the importance of the problem.

Tune in with your feelings and please don't fall into the justifying mode to downplay his problematic hobby. At the surface it's just porn, but below it you know better how he thinks of kids and teens sexually. It's an incompatibility and a possible deal-breaker.

Ultimately, think over it and do what's right for you.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

this isn't exactly helpful. It completely disregards the humanity of it all and that there way way more to my situation then this one scenario. I have really invested a lot into this person and it really isn't that simple. It's easy to say that to someone, but reality is very different. I have really appreciated the people who have put in some level of effort and consideration for how nuanced this is. I get the repulsion, but there's so much more going on here. 

It is nuanced and I'm sure this is throwing you for a loop. Truth is we all have secrets and finding things out about someone we thought we knew leaves us vulnerable and confused. There are so many mixed emotions. I don't know what you've been through or what the relationship has been like otherwise, but it is clear you do care about him. I know how difficult it is to let go of someone and how you want to fight to keep what you have. So take your time to decide what you need to do for you, what is right for you.

Everyone has some fetish. Its not for me or anyone else to judge what a person likes as long as its consensual and people aren't being hurt. The opinions that matter here are you and him.  It stems down to why he is doing it and if you can accept it. In other words, do you both consent to it happening? Or is it only going to hurt you? If you are honestly ok with it, or if he is willing to stop, then you can continue. Otherwise, this won't work, no matter why he is viewing it. Figure what your line is, what you can accept, then talk to him about.

Wishing you well.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So?

It being number one or number ten in the charts does not change the importance of the problem.

Tune in with your feelings and please don't fall into the justifying mode to downplay his problematic hobby. At the surface it's just porn, but below it you know better how he thinks of kids and teens sexually. It's an incompatibility and a possible deal-breaker.

Ultimately, think over it and do what's right for you.

I don't know this guy but to be fair we don't actually know how he thinks of kids sexually. We also don't know if he's constantly looking at teenage porn or he just looked at that one picture. Maybe I misunderstood but she said she found him commenting on one photo. 

I agree a 41-year-old watching teen porn is a bit weird. But technically teenagers in porn are meant to be at least 18. An 18-year-old is not a child. I'm simply stating the facts here. Whether you think he's a creep or not for watching teen porn, teen porn isn't actually child porn. Unless of course he has searched actual child porn. But we don't know if he did or not.

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I agree a 41-year-old watching teen porn is a bit weird. But technically teenagers in porn are meant to be at least 18. An 18-year-old is not a child. I'm simply stating the facts here. Whether you think he's a creep or not for watching teen porn, teen porn isn't actually child porn. Unless of course he has searched actual child porn. But we don't know if he did or not.

I also imagine many of the girls playing teens may actually be early 20s, as long as they can pass for teens. Its a roll, just like any mainstream show or film. One of the actresses on 90210 was playing a teen in her 30s. 

Agreed teen porn isn't child porn and I believe films have a disclaimer that everyone is of legal age. It doesn't automatically make you a creep or child molester. Anything could be true at this point as all we know about is one picture. Lets be careful not to jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts.

 

[Kwothe28]

I was never a fan of that particular category. Even as a teen myself was never attracted to teen category. Not only it wasnt my type but yes, you could make a connection between usage of that category and liking younger women for example. Which does make up some awkward questions. Not maybe a “P word” one but definitely some awkward ones. 

Also, I dont think its that nuanced. Even if you disregard it as a fantasy of his(which porn in most cases is), there is a problem of you not condoning and raising questions about particular category yourself. And yes that is grounds for breaking up no matter how much you deny that.

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But technically teenagers in porn are meant to be at least 18. An 18-year-old is not a child

Have you seen actual teen porn online?

There are actual 14-16 years olds in them. They don't "look like" 14 yos. They are literal young teens. A portion of them ofc is young adults pretending to be teens. But a lot of the content is very disturbing because you can see it's kids. Most probably, trafficked and groomed kids.

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Maybe I misunderstood but she said she found him commenting on one photo

That is true. We might be exaggerating for a picture, but I still find this act (and whatever intentions behind it) completely repulsive.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

Yes, that's part of why I'm feeling so much disgust. 

It would be on thing if I knew for certain this wasn't some 15 year old teen girl posting on Reddit for attention and all these men are commenting ... Like shame on them. That's not ok. The thing with Reddit is they just have to click "over 18", it's too easy for young, vulnerable girls 😞. That's so sad to me. I want to protect them!! But I don't get that peace of mind to know this. 

 

I'm not acting on anything yet. I'm just too confused. I have so many mixed emotions and am not thinking clearly (I'm also burnt out from working multiple jobs, my capacity is low).  I understand people saying "just leave" but I'm a human being. I see him in all kinds of contexts and it's not that simple!! People in the real world don't just operate on switches where it's that black and white. I'm NOT a black and white person. 

But it's not about passing this off as I am human this is not black and white.  Of course it isn't-who said it was? I did not.  Obviously you need a clear head and heart.  That is hard when exhausted and overworked -I can relate.  However it is basic as long as you don't justify it with word salad/guilty "oh that's so judgey of me!" etc. It is basic.  Are his choices which is to look at teen porn without taking as much care as possible to confirm they are "of age" compatible with your values for a long term committed relationship and perhaps involving kids? (Not sure if you two want kids -imagine having a child who becomes a teenager -what will he teach them -perhaps he'll be hypocritical?).  

Obviously there is head and heart -emotions etc but most decisions like this are not black and white and it is a human making them -but the confusion is because you're trying to rationalize not following your values about this subject and about his behavior.  You are causing your own confusion. 

And likely some fear of being "alone" in quotes because obviously people without a partner aren't "alone" if they have friends, family.  It is about "just leave" which might take time -logistically.  When my cousin had terminal cancer and knew I was still on and off in my LTR (not because of values because I wasn't sure he was  the one and was "confused") -she said look either move in with him soon, set a wedding date (which he wanted to do) or move on so you can meet someone else (I was in my late 30s).  It took me 12 more months to do so.  I was working far more than full time, stressed out and afraid he was my last chance and trying to rationalize away all the doubts.

I know for sure had I not walked away I would not have reached my two of three top goals in life -marriage and motherhood. When my future husband came back into my life I would have either still been committed and "confused" or not ready to date.  My son is 15 now.  He asks us if he can download an app before he does it -he knows about all the inappropriate stuff out there.  My husband has watched porn in his life, he's gone to bachelor parties at strip clubs decades ago, we've watched porn together decades ago and I wouldn't be opposed if we wanted to again- but in the 30 years I've known him, in the over 20 years I've known him as my partner/known him so well -I know him to be a person of character and integrity in every way - as does our son.  I can't think of anything more important. 

Yes- take some time -no don't tell yourself it's so "confusing" because you're human/not black or white etc -get down to the basics of  your core values.  Be with someone with compatible core values even if there are minor differences.  There often are and that's ok. You know this is not minor at all. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

greed teen porn isn't child porn and I believe films have a disclaimer that everyone is of legal age. It doesn't automatically make you a creep or child molester

To me that's not the standard for her in this situation.  It's whether his behavior and choices and not caring what he's looking at to check if it is legal etc -all of it -is compatible with his values.  If my husband wanted to get a lap dance at a club (which he doesn't it's hypothetical) and I knew that before marriage we wouldn't be married but we could be friends.  If he wanted to be close friends with swingers or people with certain fetishes such that I'd have to associate with them or he would regularly, we wouldn't be married.  But we could be friends as long as I didn't have to be around them.  She's not in law enforcement or a social worker or a person who has to report child abuse and has to evaluate from that perspective -this is simply whether he's a good match for her in values for the long term relationship.  It's not just some guy she hangs out and hooks up with -then it might not matter.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Have you seen actual teen porn online?

There are actual 14-16 years olds in them. They don't "look like" 14 yos. They are literal young teens. A portion of them ofc is young adults pretending to be teens. But a lot of the content is very disturbing because you can see it's kids. Most probably, trafficked and groomed kids.

That is true. We might be exaggerating for a picture, but I still find this act (and whatever intentions behind it) completely repulsive.

No I'll be honest I haven't seen much teen porn. I don't really watch it but that's only because I'm not particularly drawn to it. The only porn site I have ever really used is Porn Hub. I know they really cracked down on not allowing people to post without registering with photo ID. So I'm pretty sure on Porn Hub specifically most porn is over 18 +.

I think as with any sex work field, there are people who were trafficked into it and people who do it by choice. I'm not talking about under age but I'm talking about people over 18 who chose to be in porn. 

[Tinydance]

11 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

Yes, that's part of why I'm feeling so much disgust. 

It would be on thing if I knew for certain this wasn't some 15 year old teen girl posting on Reddit for attention and all these men are commenting ... Like shame on them. That's not ok. The thing with Reddit is they just have to click "over 18", it's too easy for young, vulnerable girls 😞. That's so sad to me. I want to protect them!! But I don't get that peace of mind to know this. 

 

I'm not acting on anything yet. I'm just too confused. I have so many mixed emotions and am not thinking clearly (I'm also burnt out from working multiple jobs, my capacity is low).  I understand people saying "just leave" but I'm a human being. I see him in all kinds of contexts and it's not that simple!! People in the real world don't just operate on switches where it's that black and white. I'm NOT a black and white person. 

OK well if you love this guy then my advice would be to look into this more before just immediately ending it. I actually wasn't 100% clear on how you found that he watches a lot of porn on Reddit and what exactly you found. When you say he watches a lot of porn there, could you see what type of porn it was? Was it all teenage porn? What kind of comment did he leave on this girl's picture?

How were you able to find this? Were you using his computer/electronic device? Is there some way you could look at it again to see more? I don't normally encourage anyone to snoop on anyone's phone or anything like that. But I can see that this is really bothering you and you're really lost as to what to do. I think really your only options is to just end the relationship or to try to look into it more. Like, is there some way you could check his Google search history and see if he searches teen porn? 

And as someone else said, ask yourself if the teenage girls are 18 then are you fine with him watching teen porn? If you're not fine with it then I don't think it makes a difference whether they really are 18 or not. If it bothers you in and of itself then even if they were 18 +, it still doesn't change the fact you're really uncomfortable with it.

[Coily]

One question that crops up, and is in a different direction; did the porn he look at fit into his "type" of woman that he finds arousing? In other words; did she happen to be young, rather than him seeking "teen" porn?

It's a marked distinction that I don't think has even been addressed. Depending on that, then the other conversations have their bearing.

 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's whether his behavior and choices and not caring what he's looking at to check if it is legal etc -all of it -is compatible with his values.  .. She's not in law enforcement or a social worker or a person who has to report child abuse and has to evaluate from that perspective -this is simply whether he's a good match for her in values for the long term relationship.  It's not just some guy she hangs out and hooks up with -then it might not matter.

Which is basically what I said: 

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

he opinions that matter here are you and him.  It stems down to why he is doing it and if you can accept it. In other words, do you both consent to it happening? Or is it only going to hurt you? If you are honestly ok with it, or if he is willing to stop, then you can continue. Otherwise, this won't work, no matter why he is viewing it. Figure what your line is, what you can accept, then talk to him about.

It comes down to what she is okay with.

I'm sayng to not automatically assume anything negative about him without hearing him out first. The only person that knows why he viewed it is him. So talk to him and see if their values and interests are compatible.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

'm sayng to not automatically assume anything negative about him without hearing him out first. The only person that knows why he viewed it is him. So talk to him and see if their values and interests are compatible.

I don't think she has to assume anything negative about him - to know that his choices aren't compatible with her values. Maybe someone else would find it positive.  I will say I assume that if person enjoys watching underage girls on porn sites he most likely has some sort of instability/mental health issues and is far far more likely to be a person who will treat underage girls inappropriately in real life. Or worse. I would never risk having my child around a person who engaged in that behavior -not one on one , not without supervision.  I would be very comfortable judging him as a person who should not be around teenagers one on one and if that's negative so be it.  Just like if she assumes he's more of a risk that way and she has teenage nieces etc I wouldn't blame her.  But she doesn't have to go there to know they are not compatible.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think she has to assume anything negative about him - to know that his choices aren't compatible with her values. Maybe someone else would find it positive.  I will say I assume that if person enjoys watching underage girls on porn sites he most likely has some sort of instability/mental health issues and is far far more likely to be a person who will treat underage girls inappropriately in real life. Or worse. I would never risk having my child around a person who engaged in that behavior -not one on one , not without supervision.  I would be very comfortable judging him as a person who should not be around teenagers one on one and if that's negative so be it.  Just like if she assumes he's more of a risk that way and she has teenage nieces etc I wouldn't blame her.  But she doesn't have to go there to know they are not compatible.

I agree with your points. The only reason why I suggested to the OP to try to look further into it is because I wasn't completely sure what the situation actually was. She said her boyfriend watches a lot of porn, he's very active on Reddit, and he commented on a nude photo of a teenage girl. The girl "looked" about 15-years-old. We don't know her actual age though. 

The parts I wasn't clear about was: Is him being active on Reddit mostly looking at porn? Is it all teenage porn? What kind of comment did he make on the photo? What sub Reddit was the photo in? A teenage porn or some  kind of teen Subreddit?

I think it does matter because I use Reddit as well and I know that sometimes things are suggested to you. Like, I'm in certain sub Reddits but sometimes Reddit will suggest to me to look at something else that I don't even follow.

Also I don't search teen porn or look at it really but Porn Hub suggests different videos in the newsfeed/front page. Sometimes it might suggest a video to me with young people and I might click on it if it's my "type" of video. E.g. I like people with tattoos. But I would very rarely watch teen porn and you wouldn't find it in my search history because I don't search it. I would also never think to watch teen porn hoping they look like kids because I'm NOT into under age people.

All I'm saying is because it wasn't clear to me what the situation actually is that it's important to look into it. I'm not saying she HAS to look into it, she doesn't have to. If that one comment on the teenage girl's photo is enough then by all means she can break up with him. My comments are simply because OP said it's not black and white and she can't just dump him.

[pine_nut_dancing]

11 hours ago, Coily said:

One question that crops up, and is in a different direction; did the porn he look at fit into his "type" of woman that he finds arousing? In other words; did she happen to be young, rather than him seeking "teen" porn?

It's a marked distinction that I don't think has even been addressed. Depending on that, then the other conversations have their bearing.

 

I can't remember the subreddit, but it was something like small size. It wasn't teen porn, I snooped the subreddit and it's mostly just smaller bodies/25 to 30-something crowd. 
But I've since checked and he has looked at teen-porn category, although it was once in probably 3 months. And they were just young looking, not 15 young, but like 18 years old. And it was them masturbating, not scene setups. 
I don't know what a lot of porn consumption is, how to quantify that. He watches probably 2-3 times a week. He lives alone though, so I kind of chalk it up to that. 

I have to find a way to talk to him about this, I suppose. I just want to go into it when I'm ready to. I don't know, I'm a naive person. I didn't even know that teen category was a thing, let alone so popular. I'm just disturbed by the zeitgeist of this.

[pine_nut_dancing]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think she has to assume anything negative about him - to know that his choices aren't compatible with her values. Maybe someone else would find it positive.  I will say I assume that if person enjoys watching underage girls on porn sites he most likely has some sort of instability/mental health issues and is far far more likely to be a person who will treat underage girls inappropriately in real life. Or worse. I would never risk having my child around a person who engaged in that behavior -not one on one , not without supervision.  I would be very comfortable judging him as a person who should not be around teenagers one on one and if that's negative so be it.  Just like if she assumes he's more of a risk that way and she has teenage nieces etc I wouldn't blame her.  But she doesn't have to go there to know they are not compatible.

Yes, honestly, I haven't even gone down this ethical dilemma in my head. I am a naive person and I don't consume porn and haven't even considered this category never mind if my partner consumed it. So it's just a lot to breakdown and think about. I just don't want to accuse him of being a predator when it could be more a body size/look sexual arousal in private thing rather than anything else. I am slim and lean, so I guess he has a type? And I have to ask myself what I'm ok with, what are my limits. He's never striked me as creepy before. He's been such a big hearted and kind person towards me and one of the most emotionally mature, not someone you would ever meet, get to know and think "oh he's a creep with some skeletons". So this has struck me hard. I've fallen in love with him for a reason, you know? And it's not like I meet men like him just any day - I've gone on so many  dates and I really like him as a person. But my values do matter and I need to be honest with myself. I just know it will take time. I appreciate you guiding me towards my values. I just have to take things one step at a time. I'm in university right now, so I haven't even really had a chance to sit with my feelings and figure this out. Having some external guidance is helpful to help me ask the hard questions and start figuring out what is what.

[pine_nut_dancing]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Which is basically what I said: 

It comes down to what she is okay with.

I'm sayng to not automatically assume anything negative about him without hearing him out first. The only person that knows why he viewed it is him. So talk to him and see if their values and interests are compatible.

 

Yes. I just have to figure out how to have this conversation with such low capacity right now (working multiple jobs and in university). I stumbled on this accidentally. I was looking at his comment section in reddit because we were debating on a topic relevant to a post. Then I looked down further and there was this weird looking comment and it linked to this video. 

[pine_nut_dancing]

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK well if you love this guy then my advice would be to look into this more before just immediately ending it. I actually wasn't 100% clear on how you found that he watches a lot of porn on Reddit and what exactly you found. When you say he watches a lot of porn there, could you see what type of porn it was? Was it all teenage porn? What kind of comment did he leave on this girl's picture?

How were you able to find this? Were you using his computer/electronic device? Is there some way you could look at it again to see more? I don't normally encourage anyone to snoop on anyone's phone or anything like that. But I can see that this is really bothering you and you're really lost as to what to do. I think really your only options is to just end the relationship or to try to look into it more. Like, is there some way you could check his Google search history and see if he searches teen porn? 

And as someone else said, ask yourself if the teenage girls are 18 then are you fine with him watching teen porn? If you're not fine with it then I don't think it makes a difference whether they really are 18 or not. If it bothers you in and of itself then even if they were 18 +, it still doesn't change the fact you're really uncomfortable with it.

 

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

No I'll be honest I haven't seen much teen porn. I don't really watch it but that's only because I'm not particularly drawn to it. The only porn site I have ever really used is Porn Hub. I know they really cracked down on not allowing people to post without registering with photo ID. So I'm pretty sure on Porn Hub specifically most porn is over 18 +.

I think as with any sex work field, there are people who were trafficked into it and people who do it by choice. I'm not talking about under age but I'm talking about people over 18 who chose to be in porn. 

Yeah, as I've discovered, the reddit ones aren't full blown sex scenes. They're in front of a camera masturbating. I think he likes the bodies? I am small, so I assume that could be the case. But still, I'm not sure I find this acceptable. First time I've even considered it and my initial instinct was "***, this is so creepy and disgusting!" But I'm at least taking this as a learning experience and trying to understand what I am ok with. A conversation with him is likely best first step. I will just have to maintain my own values in the end, but I don't think I'd feel good about making a decision without at least talking it out with him first. 

[pine_nut_dancing]

22 hours ago, ShySoul said:

It is nuanced and I'm sure this is throwing you for a loop. Truth is we all have secrets and finding things out about someone we thought we knew leaves us vulnerable and confused. There are so many mixed emotions. I don't know what you've been through or what the relationship has been like otherwise, but it is clear you do care about him. I know how difficult it is to let go of someone and how you want to fight to keep what you have. So take your time to decide what you need to do for you, what is right for you.

Everyone has some fetish. Its not for me or anyone else to judge what a person likes as long as its consensual and people aren't being hurt. The opinions that matter here are you and him.  It stems down to why he is doing it and if you can accept it. In other words, do you both consent to it happening? Or is it only going to hurt you? If you are honestly ok with it, or if he is willing to stop, then you can continue. Otherwise, this won't work, no matter why he is viewing it. Figure what your line is, what you can accept, then talk to him about.

Wishing you well.

Thanks for having empathy. That has meant so much. I'm going to come to make a decision, but when people automatically jump to shame first thing, it just makes it so much harder to process all the feelings involved. I've appreciated your thoughtful input a lot. Thanks.

[pine_nut_dancing]

23 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So?

It being number one or number ten in the charts does not change the importance of the problem.

Tune in with your feelings and please don't fall into the justifying mode to downplay his problematic hobby. At the surface it's just porn, but below it you know better how he thinks of kids and teens sexually. It's an incompatibility and a possible deal-breaker.

Ultimately, think over it and do what's right for you.

Oh I think there's a misunderstanding here, I was simply stating this for the philosophical unpacking of the consideration of why is this so pervasive in our culture?! It just struck me as worth digging into. I'm not saying it as any justification. 

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

 

Yeah, as I've discovered, the reddit ones aren't full blown sex scenes. They're in front of a camera masturbating. I think he likes the bodies? I am small, so I assume that could be the case. But still, I'm not sure I find this acceptable. First time I've even considered it and my initial instinct was "***, this is so creepy and disgusting!" But I'm at least taking this as a learning experience and trying to understand what I am ok with. A conversation with him is likely best first step. I will just have to maintain my own values in the end, but I don't think I'd feel good about making a decision without at least talking it out with him first. 

Yes I think you should talk to him first. If you love this guy to me it seems very quick to just end it without any conversation over one comment on one photo. I mean, you said he looked at teen porn only once in three months. I wouldn't really say that's specifically looking at teen porn. I would think if he was very into teen porn that he would look it up all the time. Like, if he watches porn 2 - 3 times a week that basically most of that would be teen porn. And the sub Reddits he's in would be teen porn. 

Again I am not trying to tell you what to do. That's up to you and up to you only. If it's a deal breaker for you even just that he looks at teen porn in general then that's how you feel. You could read 50 posts telling you otherwise but it's YOUR feelings.

Yes teen porn has always existed and will always get suggested in the Porn Hub feed. I don't usually click on it but it's always there. Personally if I clicked on it, it would be more of a mindless type of thing. Like: "Let's see what this is". I don't prefer teens, don't think about them, don't care really. But I'm not sure what the case with your boyfriend is.

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

Oh I think there's a misunderstanding here, I was simply stating this for the philosophical unpacking of the consideration of why is this so pervasive in our culture?! It just struck me as worth digging into. I'm not saying it as any justification. 

There are all sorts of porn which are very popular. Some of it actually doesn't always make sense. For example, I'm pretty sure many straight women like watching lesbian porn. It might just be a kink for them or maybe they like that it often has more storyline and more foreplay, romance kind of stuff in it. I mean, why do people have a foot fetish? Feet are smelly lol