Boyfriend watching teen porn

[pine_nut_dancing]

Hi,

I've discovered that my boyfriend watches a lot of porn on reddit. I was okay with porn, however, I've found a comment on a very young looking girl's naked body (she looked 15 years old) and I was completely floored. I'm in a bit of shock as I write this, and I'm just not sure how I should move forward with this. It is deeply disturbing AND I love him deeply. How do I begin navigating this? I'm worried he has some creepy habits that might indicate a character trait that is harmful. Has he ever done anything to a young teen? I know this is jumping to conclusions, I just felt like this was really abnormal to watch. He is 41. 
 

He also has a very strong reddit presence and now I'm just concerned about so many other things he might be up to on there... I can't see his personal messages (nor is it appropriate to try to look), but now I'm having a sickly feeling in my gut and want to investigate. We are only 9 months into the relationship, so trust is still being formed. So yes, for those who might frame it as a trust issue, that is developing still and this did not help. I'm just not sure what steps to take as I feel OVERWHELMED. Thank you for any help.

[Seraphim]

Personally I would be gone . 

[pine_nut_dancing]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Personally I would be gone . 

Thanks for saying that, hard to hear. I think in my gut I feel this way too, but I'm also giving myself some time to process all this (I just learned about it last night). I'm so crushed because I was getting very committed to this person. It's so hard to accept this, really really painful. 

[ShySoul]

I find teen porn to my disturbing. Technically, I believe the actresses are supposed to be adults who look younger and are playing that role. It doesn't necessarily indicate they have or would do anything with a teen. It's more the forbidden nature of it, the idea of innocence or purity. Though in my opinion that's already bad enough. Even the thought of someone younger feels wrong. I'm a male who is 41 as well and wouldn't consider looking at a teen that way. Even when I was closer to that age I still preferred older women, not ones who looked like children.

If you really want to give it a chance, talk to him about it. It may be a kink and nothing more. It may even be about something in his past. The only way to know is to ask and figure out if his answer is acceptable to you or if it is something you can't accept.

And if it is too much for you, that's fine. You shouldn't have to accept something that makes you uncomfortable. It's painful and I'm sorry you have to feel this. But it's better to know now then when you were even more committed. I know if my partner was into teens like that, I'd hear them out but be ready to leave in a heartbeat if I didn't like what I heard.

Make the choice that is right for you. Best wishes.

[shouldhavelearned]

Not good if legit underage

Be careful 

[AuthenticSelf]

1 hour ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

He is 41. 

It makes sense, he is probably single for too long. 

Give him time. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

Hi,

I've discovered that my boyfriend watches a lot of porn on reddit. I was okay with porn, however, I've found a comment on a very young looking girl's naked body (she looked 15 years old) and I was completely floored. I'm in a bit of shock as I write this, and I'm just not sure how I should move forward with this. It is deeply disturbing AND I love him deeply. How do I begin navigating this? I'm worried he has some creepy habits that might indicate a character trait that is harmful. Has he ever done anything to a young teen? I know this is jumping to conclusions, I just felt like this was really abnormal to watch. He is 41. 
 

He also has a very strong reddit presence and now I'm just concerned about so many other things he might be up to on there... I can't see his personal messages (nor is it appropriate to try to look), but now I'm having a sickly feeling in my gut and want to investigate. We are only 9 months into the relationship, so trust is still being formed. So yes, for those who might frame it as a trust issue, that is developing still and this did not help. I'm just not sure what steps to take as I feel OVERWHELMED. Thank you for any help.

I'd not associate with this person at all.  I'm sorry.

[Andrina]

People are getting arrested more and more for having Child Sexual Explicit Material by HCI when traveling by plane or cruise ship and the content on their devices are checked, or through investigations by local law enforcement. Thank God those people are being putting in jail, some upwards of 30 years. They deserve it.

So what if you, up to now, developed love for him? Isn't it better to free yourself to eventually love a mentally healthy man?

[redswim30]

This is a tricky grey area.  If he's on LEGAL sites, women have to be 18. 

Now they can be 18, which is legally an adult and LOOK younger. 

Sounds like you just don't trust him, though.  Whether that is merited or not, I can't really say. 

But if the thought is just too uncomfortable for you even if the woman is 18,  I would simply break up. 

Underage is one thing entirely and I absolutely agree that is wrong in any circumstance.

However, 18 and older-IMVHO, the vast majority of men do get turned on by younger women.  Just sayin.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is this posted on your computer/device, or his?  If anything were to become of this, avoid letting him involve you.

At any rate, I would walk before the next shoe were to drop.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Is this posted on your computer/device, or his?  If anything were to become of this, avoid letting him involve you.

At any rate, I would walk before the next shoe were to drop.

I was going to ask this for the same reason -so easy to get involved in this way and what a mess that would be.

[ShySoul]

20 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

I've found a comment on a very young looking girl's naked body (she looked 15 years old) and I was completely floored.

To be clear, she looks 15. That is a big difference from actually being underage. If this is child porn, then get out as fast as possible. If she is of legal age and consenting, then we might find it disturbing, but he's technically not doing anything wrong, at least by the law. Then it's your call on what is acceptable for you.

I also think the comment is important. What is he saying about her? Saying someone is cute or even hot is one thing. But more explicit or vulgar comments would be a clear warning sign.

[smackie9]

You end this relationship...that's how you navigate this. 

[pine_nut_dancing]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

This is a tricky grey area.  If he's on LEGAL sites, women have to be 18. 

Now they can be 18, which is legally an adult and LOOK younger. 

Sounds like you just don't trust him, though.  Whether that is merited or not, I can't really say. 

But if the thought is just too uncomfortable for you even if the woman is 18,  I would simply break up. 

Underage is one thing entirely and I absolutely agree that is wrong in any circumstance.

However, 18 and older-IMVHO, the vast majority of men do get turned on by younger women.  Just sayin.

Yes, the problem is this is reddit. There's really no sure moderator to regulate this, so you can end up with the widest scope of ethical/unethical porn. If this is what he is actually attracted to, that puts him at attracted to what very much appears to be a 15 year old girl. I guess I can't wrap my head around this... And I don't know if this young girl is of age. Maybe she is? But it feels like I'd be kidding myself to believe it...

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

If this is what he is actually attracted to, that puts him at attracted to what very much appears to be a 15 year old girl. I guess I can't wrap my head around this..

^This is really what it all comes down to.  Since it's hard to know for certain.   

let me ask you this- would it make a difference to you if you KNEW she was 18 or would it still bother you because she LOOKS younger?   You need to ask yourself this uncomfortable question.  To be fair, lots of ppl can look younger than their age.  I can tell you that I looked 14 when I was 18. 

However, There's a big difference between being concerned that he's turned on by children and you not being happy about him being attracted to younger but legally adult women, which may make you uncomfortable but technically is legal and "socially acceptable".  Whether or not it is acceptable to YOU is what matters, though.  

 It really comes down to what you believe and feel comfortable with. 

 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

I guess I can't wrap my head around this... And I don't know if this young girl is of age. Maybe she is? But it feels like I'd be kidding myself to believe it...

Doesn't sound like you are okay with either option. On one hand, he's attracted to underage girls. On the other hand, he's attracted to adults who look like underage girls. Kind of splittling hairs.

What matters most is what you are comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with either, then he isn't someone you should be with.

Talking to him about it is the only way you might be able to understand. But even then, I think you'll be having an uphill climb trying to convince yourself you are ok with it.

[Tinydance]

Hmm...Well this is a very hard situation. I'm sort of in two minds about this. I'm not interested in teen porn but that's just because it's not really my thing. I know that Porn Hub is very strict now for that exact reason to make sure that everyone uploading porn there is over 18. As far as I understand, you can't upload anything to Porn Hub at all (not even photos) unless you provide your photo ID and get legally verified. In terms of Reddit, I agree it's not properly moderated so I think it's actually hard to know if these girls are really 18 or not.

I think it's two separate issues here. Let's say if he's not watching actual child porn but he just has a fetish/fantasy for young women. Like 18 - 19-year-olds. I'm nearly 40 and I understand it's kind of icky if people this age are into teenagers. There's no way I'd be into an 18-year-old coz I'm literally old enough to be their mother. But it's more like a moral issue and it's not illegal even to date an 18-year-old if you're 40. It's weird but you wouldn't get in any legal trouble for it.

The other thing that I think is important is, is this just a sexual fantasy or kink for him or is he actually a paedophile? Like, there is a lot of pretend incest porn or student/teacher porn for example. I don't watch it just coz I'm not that into it. But apparently the incest porn is one of the most popular categories of porn to watch. This porn is pretend and the porn actors aren't actually related. At least I hope they aren't lol So I'm assuming most people who get off on this porn just have a fantasy about it but it's not like they actually want to sleep or will sleep with their brother, sister, parents, etc. So I think it's hard to know if your boyfriend actually wants to sleep with under age girls or it's just a fantasy. Or maybe he's not actually into under age girls at all, as in kids. Maybe he just likes young women.

When I was like 18-19, I actually did sometimes have guys who were in their 30's message me on dating sites, approach me in a bar or a night clubs, and so on. There's guys who are into younger women but they're not paedophiles. Like, they're not into kids. And again I understand the "ick" factor in terms of age difference but an 18-year-old is actually an adult, even though they're young.

What I think you need to think about is whether you're OK about him being into younger women. Whether it be only sexually or otherwise. It's OK if you can't accept it coz there's some posters here who said they wouldn't accept it. Myself personally I'm not sure. To me the number one thing would be that they're not an actual paedophile. I might accept if they like teenage girl porn but of course only if the girls were 18 +. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, pine_nut_dancing said:

Yes, the problem is this is reddit. There's really no sure moderator to regulate this, so you can end up with the widest scope of ethical/unethical porn. If this is what he is actually attracted to, that puts him at attracted to what very much appears to be a 15 year old girl. I guess I can't wrap my head around this... And I don't know if this young girl is of age. Maybe she is? But it feels like I'd be kidding myself to believe it...

And the other problem is he doesn't care enough as to whether what he is looking at is legal or illegal.

[Tinydance]

I think everyone might feel differently about this issue but this is just for discussion purposes. I think there are different levels of this situation.  For me it would depend on what "level" this person is at. For example, there are people who have fetishes. E.g. People who are into BDSM in the bedroom but in their everyday life they would never attack or hit someone. Like, they're not actually violent but the BDSM is a kink they have with their consenting partner. 

So it's probably possible for someone to have a "thing" for teen porn. But they aren't a paedophile and in their everyday life they wouldn't date teenage girls. Like, they enjoy getting off on the porn but they would want to date women their own age. 

The other level is they're still not a paedophile but they are actually into teenage women. Like, they would date or sleep with teenage women.

And the third level is they are an actual paedophile. They watch the teenage porn because it's as close as they can get to child porn. 

So I think it's up to every individual to decide which aspect (if any) they are comfortable with. Like, if someone just finds it very off putting that a 40-year-old man would watch teenage porn in general, that's fine. And I understand that if you actually don't know the reason they're watching teenage porn then it's hard to shake the thought of "are they into under age girls".

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 think it's up to every individual to decide which aspect (if any) they are comfortable with. Like, if someone just finds it very off putting that a 40-year-old man would watch teenage porn in general, that's fine. And I understand that if you actually don't know the reason they're watching teenage porn then it's hard to shake the thought of "are they into under age girls".

That's pretty much what it comes down to, is the individual okay with it. If you are, then you can be with the person. If you aren't, then its time to walk away. 

Its the same for most kinks. Just because you think something or have a fantasy, doesn't mean you would ever do it in real life. Pretty much everything is a kink for someone, and there are a lot of weird and disturbing things out there. If you aren't into it, it probably won't matter what you are told about it, you will have a hard or impossible time understanding because its not your thing. You either get it or you don't.

As a side issue, there is also the flip sides of this. Milf, Gilf, and cougar porn also exist with older women going after sometimes very young looking guys. Wonder if the roles were reversed and it was this type of porn if it would illicit as much of a negative reaction.

No one should have to accept something they aren't comfortable with. If you don't find it acceptable, you don't need to understand it, you don't need another reason, you simply can't accept it That's fine. This isn't the right person for you.

[Tinydance]

35 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

That's pretty much what it comes down to, is the individual okay with it. If you are, then you can be with the person. If you aren't, then its time to walk away. 

Its the same for most kinks. Just because you think something or have a fantasy, doesn't mean you would ever do it in real life. Pretty much everything is a kink for someone, and there are a lot of weird and disturbing things out there. If you aren't into it, it probably won't matter what you are told about it, you will have a hard or impossible time understanding because its not your thing. You either get it or you don't.

As a side issue, there is also the flip sides of this. Milf, Gilf, and cougar porn also exist with older women going after sometimes very young looking guys. Wonder if the roles were reversed and it was this type of porn if it would illicit as much of a negative reaction.

No one should have to accept something they aren't comfortable with. If you don't find it acceptable, you don't need to understand it, you don't need another reason, you simply can't accept it That's fine. This isn't the right person for you.

Yep 100% all this

[Tinydance]

This is just a throw away comment but I think there are probably all sorts of different porn that's in the "teen" category. I never specifically searched for it but sometimes it just came up in the Porn Hub feed and I clicked on it. And it was actually just a teenage guy and girl having sex. But then you also have the types of porn which is like an old man with a teenage girl. Or the girl is dressed in a frilly dress, lace socks and pigtails with bows sort of thing. So in that sense yes it seems she's pretending to be a child or channeling a child like vibe. 

I guess I see fantasies and kinks as sort of separate from your real life. But of course some people will live the lifestyle as well. I don't have any particularly out there kinks I don't think but somehow I'd met a lot of people along the way who were in the kink community. And I know that in the kink community there's this thing called "little". And it actually has nothing to do with actually being sexually into children. It's where someone feels like a child themselves deep down and they either want to role play that they're a child, or they actually live their life as a child type thing. And they can have a relationship with another adult which is like Daddy/little girl romantic and/or sexual relationship. But both people aren't actually into real children. It's just a fetish they like to participate in alone or with other adults. I'm actually not speaking from experience because it's not my thing but I just know about it.

Anyway the point of me talking about that is I guess sexual fetishes can be very complicated. Some of them don't always make sense to your everyday person but it's something that turns them on. For me personally I don't mind what fetishes people have but the number one thing for me is they are legal and they are only doing it with consent if they do it with other people. But my threshold of accepting things is actually pretty high and I totally understand not everyone will be the same.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But my threshold of accepting things is actually pretty high and I totally understand not everyone will be the same.

I very broadly accept people.  I know many who feel as I do.  And when it came to choosing a potential husband I knew what kind of person I wanted -the values, the stuff in common, life goals.  I know many people who are very accepting and at the same time would not want to be in a serious relationship with the particular person.

[DarkCh0c0]

He is a creep. Anyone who watches teen porn is a creep. Whether they look like or are teens, it's still creepy. Most of the teens are trafficked and groomed to do what they do.

I'd be repulsed and I'd see him in a very different light.

If your feelings are telling you this is not okay and you are not okay with this, then trust yourself.

[pine_nut_dancing]

On 9/23/2024 at 3:32 PM, Batya33 said:

And the other problem is he doesn't care enough as to whether what he is looking at is legal or illegal.

Yes, that's part of why I'm feeling so much disgust. 

It would be on thing if I knew for certain this wasn't some 15 year old teen girl posting on Reddit for attention and all these men are commenting ... Like shame on them. That's not ok. The thing with Reddit is they just have to click "over 18", it's too easy for young, vulnerable girls 😞. That's so sad to me. I want to protect them!! But I don't get that peace of mind to know this. 

 

I'm not acting on anything yet. I'm just too confused. I have so many mixed emotions and am not thinking clearly (I'm also burnt out from working multiple jobs, my capacity is low).  I understand people saying "just leave" but I'm a human being. I see him in all kinds of contexts and it's not that simple!! People in the real world don't just operate on switches where it's that black and white. I'm NOT a black and white person.