Accused me of being unfaithful

[Sarah777]

My bf and i are very serious, met 6 months ago. 2 months ago, before we went exclusive, he had asked me if i was talking to anyone else. I said yea before u i was but me and that guy never even met, bc i found u but he still msgs me. I said now i need to let him down easy since we are moving forward. This made him so mad, and i understood why. I apologized and reassured him that we hadnt even met, and that I'll just end communication with him. And i did! I literally ghosted the guy which i felt bad about. 

Fast fwd to last week, he asked me randomly if i slept with my ex boyfriend (he knew i was dating someone last yr) I was so taken aback. I said im not answering this question. So he responds with ok so u guys banged. Im like ***! First question, how do u respond to this? If u say no, ur lying, and if u say yes, ur admitting. If u say i wont answer they'll know its a yes. We both come from religious backgrounds so generally speaking this isnt openly admitted.

Then he says "my gut tells me youre still talking to that other guy too". I said im not, said swore to god, he asked if i can prove it i said yes. i hugged him and told him there is no one but him and im not talking to anyone.. we had a nice normal day together after. Then, later that night he texts me a super long msg how i didnt show him my phone to prove and now its too late as i woulda deleted stuff. He accused me of lying and that I'm keeping him as an option. I went off on him for falsely accusing me, questioning my character and integrity..to which he said i invalidated his feelings that its toxic way of communicating, but he still loves me and doesnt understand why im lying. I literally had a breakdown bc i really am not talking to anyone. I wrote him an equally long msg saying how hurt i am by his accusation, i didn't realize he wanted to see my phone right then, im so happy with him no reason ill be cheating and ended the msg saying i suggest you follow your gut no point continuing with someone if ur gut and heart tells u otherwise. Trust is everything. We havent spoken in a few days now no reply. 

I feel dumb for disclosing i dated and that i was talking to someone before him. Big mistake. I get he has trust issues. But, im not reaching out and begging for my innocence when i didnt do anything wrong! 

Everything was going so perfect between us, he treated me amazing this is out of the blue . I'm so hurt and confused but if this is to end, I'll have to let it? Opinions?

[shouldhavelearned]

Seems quite the escalation.

And your reflection raised it, imo

Honesty is the only way. 

Maybe he has some secrets too

[LootieTootie]

Sounds like this man has a lot of baggage. However your reaction to his reaction is also troubling. It seems like to calm his rage, you would try to sooth things out by caving to his whims and babying him.

14 minutes ago, Sarah777 said:

 I apologized and reassured him that we hadnt even met, and that I'll just end communication with him. And i did! I literally ghosted the guy which i felt bad about. 

....

i hugged him and told him there is no one but him and im not talking to anyone.. we had a nice normal day together after.

....

I wrote him an equally long msg saying how hurt i am by his accusation, i didn't realize he wanted to see my phone right then, im so happy with him no reason

I think you both need to break up so you both can grow. He needs to get over his baggage - I mean dude is walking with baggage that even a Dodge Durango can't fit. And you need to have a very honest introspection why you feel the need to be the person in the relationship to "make nice" - this is quite common in most people who are people-pleasers, or people who lack self-worth.

Going forward, I think you need to block him so you can do self-evaluation without distraction from him. This guy is very toxic due to unresolved issues stemming from past hurt he never got over, and so he takes it out on people he loves/cares about or people who show him decency. No one can help him except a professional. For you, only you can help yourself by knowing your worth and never caving into someone's irrational fears.

[Andrina]

Well, beginnings are often magical. But then a person will eventually show who he/she really is. He's the garbage that too himself to the curb. Good riddance.

You were right to not answer a question you knew wasn't necessary to answer, nor would anything healthy come of it.

I'd also suggest in any future relationship not to engage in arguments over text. Save important discussions for in person. 

If a guy is asking things to use as a weapon or to sabotage a relationship, he's not relationship material. Healthy people will just ask general questions about a person's past relationship history to get an idea if a person is capable of long term and if the person has been out of a LTR long enough so that it's not a rebound, etc. Best to not get into a lot of little details about these things, though, because who wants to picture their new love with an old flame?

The person you first encountered was a fantasy man. The real person is who you recently experienced. Block him. You can do better.

[ShySoul]

Perhaps you shouldn't have "gone off" on him like that and instead spoken in a more calm manner. However, given the circumstances, you were entirely justified.

For no reason at all, based on nothing you said or did, he accuses you of sleeping with an ex and lying to him about speaking with someone. Rather then trust and belive his girlfriend, he gets angry and make accusations, assuming the worse in you rather then seeing the best of you. If he really needed to see the phone, why didn't he ask to see it then? And no one should need to prove themselves in such a manner anyway. No one should also be expected or made to cut off ties with people just to please someone else and prevent their jealousy issues.

Him accusing you of lying and being toxic is probably projection. It most likely is a reflection of how he feels about himself, knowing that his behavior is toxic. He probably has a lot of issues to work through that currently makes him an unhealthy partner for anyone. You are far better off without an unstable person like this.

You were fine and justified in everything you said and did. This is on him. Please, don't let this get you down. You deserve better.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Sarah777 said:

This made him so mad, and i understood why.

Why would you understand why he was "so mad" over you talking with others BEFORE you were exclusive? That alone should be a red flag. He didn't need to be thrilled about it but he asked for that information. This guy is ridiculously possessive and you are better off without him.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think not even you not talking to anyone and saying him that, would "save" you here. When a person is paranoid, jealous and obsessive, they would certainly accuse you for stuff even though you didnt do it. Because the problem isnt you, its them. And yes, you should get out of it as fast as you can.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

I feel dumb for disclosing i dated and that i was talking to someone before him. Big mistake

No, it wasn't. You did nothing wrong and if he can't handle that you dated (or slept with) someone before him, that is not your problem. 

You are better off without this guy. He is going to manufacture problems and belittle you no matter what you do. His anger and insecurity are his issues to deal with and will destroy any relationship he enters. 

I would not tolerate this. He would be my ex-boyfriend now. 

[TeeDee]

Your BF sounds like his very insecure.  Good grief.  You told the guy the truth & said you would be compassionate when you let the other guy down gently.  Granted you should have cut him loose 3 months ago or at least on the day you & BF became exclusive but geez.  

 

[smackie9]

Girl run for the hills...when you have a jealous a$$hat right out of the gate, you run like hell. This is the start of him being controlling and abusive. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

So he responds with ok so u guys banged.

19 hours ago, Sarah777 said:

Then he says "my gut tells me youre still talking to that other guy too".

^^No his "guilt" tells him you're banging and talking to other guys. 

Google "projection."  HE is banging and/or talking to other girls so assumes you're doing the same.  

It's not uncommon.

Don't fall for it, it's manipulation.  In his warped mind, it's a way to shift blame and alleviate his guilt for cheating. 

Especially if this is new behavior.

This would be a dealbreaker for me personally.

[The Shark101]

On 9/23/2024 at 6:31 AM, Sarah777 said:
My bf and i are very serious, met 6 months ago. 2 months ago, before we went exclusive, he had asked me if i was talking to anyone else. I said yea before u i was but me and that guy never even met, bc i found u but he still msgs me. I said now i need to let him down easy since we are moving forward. This made him so mad, and i understood why. I apologized and reassured him that we hadnt even met, and that I'll just end communication with him. And i did! I literally ghosted the guy which i felt bad about. 
Fast fwd to last week, he asked me randomly if i slept with my ex boyfriend (he knew i was dating someone last yr) I was so taken aback. I said im not answering this question. So he responds with ok so u guys banged. Im like ***! First question, how do u respond to this? If u say no, ur lying, and if u say yes, ur admitting. If u say i wont answer they'll know its a yes. We both come from religious backgrounds so generally speaking this isnt openly admitted.
Then he says "my gut tells me youre still talking to that other guy too". I said im not, said swore to god, he asked if i can prove it i said yes. i hugged him and told him there is no one but him and im not talking to anyone.. we had a nice normal day together after. Then, later that night he texts me a super long msg how i didnt show him my phone to prove and now its too late as i woulda deleted stuff. He accused me of lying and that I'm keeping him as an option. I went off on him for falsely accusing me, questioning my character and integrity..to which he said i invalidated his feelings that its toxic way of communicating, but he still loves me and doesnt understand why im lying. I literally had a breakdown bc i really am not talking to anyone. I wrote him an equally long msg saying how hurt i am by his accusation, i didn't realize he wanted to see my phone right then, im so happy with him no reason ill be cheating and ended the msg saying i suggest you follow your gut no point continuing with someone if ur gut and heart tells u otherwise. Trust is everything. We havent spoken in a few days now no reply. 
I feel dumb for disclosing i dated and that i was talking to someone before him. Big mistake. I get he has trust issues. But, im not reaching out and begging for my innocence when i didnt do anything wrong! 
Everything was going so perfect between us, he treated me amazing this is out of the blue . I'm so hurt and confused but if this is to end, I'll have to let it? Opinions?

It's very simple to understand;  the honeymoon period is over, and now you see the real him: an insecure little kid. It's not your job to fix his trust issues.
Eject from this relationship as this will never get better, if at all, it'll get worse ( unless you're happy walking on eggshells and blaming for things you didn't/are not doing ).