Does it sound like I’m being played?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

But isn’t it great he has suggested a date, why would he suggest date with no intention? 

Suggesting is one thing. Following through is another. Words, are easy. Actions, now that tells you a different story.

Since he saw you twice, he could have asked on both occasions which day you're free on and seal the deal. But he instead lured the date like a shiny thing in front of you, then pulled it away. It's a nice push-pull game he plays, as a player.

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Oh this is the most a guy has ever been interested in me in my life, that’s why it’s been so exciting 🙂

And that's why it's easy to lure you in. You're naive, inexperienced in the dating world and craving some natural attention.

Men like him can tell when a woman has low self esteem and can be played with. Also men like him love to collect different women's phone numbers, and they enjoy eye candy and the power they get from women's interest.

If he doesn't ask you out officially while HE sets a time AND place, please brush him off. Never give him the time of day again. He's not worth it.

Now for you, I'd recommend you attend more social events to learn social skills and meet up with more serious prospects.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He only asked me 2 days ago though. Well he asked me for the drink 2 weeks ago, before his holiday. And then he saw me again when he got back and said ‘ah are you still interested in getting a drink? Thought we could go to a nice pub. I’ll text you.’ 

I know. You already mentioned this. 

Like I said earlier, give it a couple more days. If he doesn't bother following through, forget him. At the moment, there is no date. Only an idea. See if he actually sets something up and don't get ahead of yourself in the meantime. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

They still hang out and interact on each others posts. 
 

im gonna be so fed up if he doesn’t nail time a time and date. Annoyed that I’ve got excited. Feel like I shouldn’t trust men 

Huh? Why get excited about a man who hasn't made a specific plan yet -you're not dating him yet.  He is not men.  He is an individual and remember his job is very extroverted/forward facing meaning he likely is very good at communication especially for his job and therefore he's perfectly capable of firming up plans if he wants to ask you out on a date -time and place.  Why malign Men based on this individual who so far has mentioned a potential drink just like many men and women do every day "we should get coffee some time!" I mean I'm biased -I'm married to a man and birthed a boy who is now a teenager and they treat people with respect and are trustworthy people.  Not a fan of all this negative generalization of men in this way.

I wouldn't stalk his IG and wonder who all the people are or the timing.  Assume he is asking you for a drink to get to know you one on one.  One date at a time.  I love that  you're going to a gym -so healthy!

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Suggesting is one thing. Following through is another. Words, are easy. Actions, now that tells you a different story.

Since he saw you twice, he could have asked on both occasions which day you're free on and seal the deal. But he instead lured the date like a shiny thing in front of you, then pulled it away. It's a nice push-pull game he plays, as a player.

And that's why it's easy to lure you in. You're naive, inexperienced in the dating world and craving some natural attention.

Men like him can tell when a woman has low self esteem and can be played with. Also men like him love to collect different women's phone numbers, and they enjoy eye candy and the power they get from women's interest.

If he doesn't ask you out officially while HE sets a time AND place, please brush him off. Never give him the time of day again. He's not worth it.

Now for you, I'd recommend you attend more social events to learn social skills and meet up with more serious prospects.

Yeah but he might not be a player. He might be thinking of a day. He asked me when I was free, and I said I’m free evenings next week. And he said ‘will text you to arrange.’ As he had to run off to do his next fitness class. 
 

and I go to many social events, I’m very confident and do well socially. This guy I am interested in which is really rare for me 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Huh? Why get excited about a man who hasn't made a specific plan yet -you're not dating him yet.  He is not men.  He is an individual and remember his job is very extroverted/forward facing meaning he likely is very good at communication especially for his job and therefore he's perfectly capable of firming up plans if he wants to ask you out on a date -time and place.  Why malign Men based on this individual who so far has mentioned a potential drink just like many men and women do every day "we should get coffee some time!" I mean I'm biased -I'm married to a man and birthed a boy who is now a teenager and they treat people with respect and are trustworthy people.  Not a fan of all this negative generalization of men in this way.

I wouldn't stalk his IG and wonder who all the people are or the timing.  Assume he is asking you for a drink to get to know you one on one.  One date at a time.  I love that  you're going to a gym -so healthy!

I’ve been feeling positive about it. He asked me ‘are you free next week?’ And I said yes and he said ‘I’ll text you to firm up plans’ but it’s been 3 days and so I’m waiting now . Maybe he’ll reach out soon and it’s all innocent. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yeah but he might not be a player. He might be thinking of a day. He asked me when I was free, and I said I’m free evenings next week. And he said ‘will text you to arrange.’ As he had to run off to do his next fitness class. 
 

and I go to many social events, I’m very confident and do well socially. This guy I am interested in which is really rare for me 

If he doesn't follow through it doesn't mean he is a player. Anything could have happened -he got busy/changed his mind/realized he shouldn't date customers/clients.  He's not guilty if he doesn't follow through -he's at most being flaky. I try to make new friends and encounter a number of people who are flaky.

To me he would be a player if he asked you out for a drink, flirted heavily with you, made a pass at you and didn't tell you he was in a serious committed relationship or married.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve been feeling positive about it. He asked me ‘are you free next week?’ And I said yes and he said ‘I’ll text you to firm up plans’ but it’s been 3 days and so I’m waiting now . Maybe he’ll reach out soon and it’s all innocent. 

There's nothing to feel positive or negative about.  This is a person who suggested a potential drink in the future.  There's nothing to wait for.  He told you when he plans on reaching out.  Don't wait. Live your life. If he reaches out cool and if not then you won't have a drink.  

[shouldhavelearned]

You're caught in the he touched me, is giving me attention, he's cute phase.

Because that's what you want right now and someone is giving it to you.

If he was that attracted to you and wanted to pursue something, he would have. 

He's had the time to communicate and get to know you without meeting up. 

Not that hard to pick up the phone and call someone.

Sounds more like he's trying to keep you around in case other things don't work out.

Stay away.

 

[LovelyRoses]

3 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You're caught in the he touched me, is giving me attention, he's cute phase.

Because that's what you want right now and someone is giving it to you.

If he was that attracted to you and wanted to pursue something, he would have. 

He's had the time to communicate and get to know you without meeting up. 

Not that hard to pick up the phone and call someone.

Sounds more like he's trying to keep you around in case other things don't work out.

Stay away.

 

Well it’s only been 3 days. He said he will be in touch to arrange the drink? I don’t think that’s so bad yet. He’s not got my number but he’s got my Instagram, I guess that’s how people connect these days. At the minute it seems like a normal healthy connection?

 

he seemed a little nervous when he asked me out. He could be thinking about planning the date this week? 

[yogacat]

He's a fitness instructor and he’s shown that he is charming and good at flirting. He mentioned getting together twice now but hasn’t followed up on it, and you've shown that you're open to his suggestion to go out, there are no real plans in his mind. Give it a couple more days but I wouldn't be too keen on texting him. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Well it’s only been 3 days. He said he will be in touch to arrange the drink? I don’t think that’s so bad yet. He’s not got my number but he’s got my Instagram, I guess that’s how people connect these days. At the minute it seems like a normal healthy connection?

 

he seemed a little nervous when he asked me out. He could be thinking about planning the date this week? 

It's not a "connection" it's far more simple.  A person you know from a shared activity flirted with you and then suggested a drink in the future and told you when he'd get in touch to confirm time and place.  So now put him off your radar as there is no date at this time. If in the future he reliably follows up as he said he would then if you are still interested you two will arrange a time and place.  You are overthinking this and then going to these dramatic lengths to generalize about trust and men and being excited.  People "connect" these days in all sorts of ways.  Yesterday I connected with a new person on FB messenger.  Last week I had two phone calls with old friends and "connected" by text with another.  Someone asked me to follow their IG.  I also connected with a number of former colleagues in the last few weeks via LinkedIn because I had a work anniversary and they commented. My friend who is a single mom joined bumble last month and got herself Google Voice as a safer way of "connecting".  Focus on this particular individual -but if and when he asks you to get a drink with  a confirmed time and place.

20 years ago or so a doctor with prestigious degrees contacted me on a dating site I was on.  He said he would call me two days later on a Wednesday.  We'd messaged a few times. He called me after Wednesday.  No apologies or acknowledgement. As per my personal standards I told him I was no longer interested in being in contact. He was shocked because it seems since he's a wealthy doctor I should be drooling all over him.  In between the time we messaged and he said he would contact me I thought about him - zero.  Once he contacted me late with no acknowledgement or apology I thought about him briefly as in "nope, bad first impression.  next."  Then I moved on.

Had I ruminated and overthought and branded individuals as players or made these outlandish negative generalizations I absolutely would not be married to my husband now.  My husband would have bristled at that sort of vibe -I know this as I dated some jaded bitter men - and if I'd approached him with guilty till proven innocent we'd not have been a good match.  In fact he didn't call me for a week between our second and third platonic meetings. He had not promised to  call -even ever again - but after the first catch up dinner he called 3 days later for the second one. 

When he did call me to ask me to meet him that third time (the time we got back together) - I didn't ask him what had been going on because I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I had a feeling why it had taken him more time which was fine.  He said he'd been busy and then made a plan a week in advance to see me.  Once we got back together which was in August 2005 he's never been unreliable about making plans, asking me out (meaning when we were dating but even now!) or flaky. 

And he wasn't between our second and third platonic meetings but you'd have been freaking out at the extra time that passed.  And likely written him off or gave off icky vibes of suspicion and whether he was "playing" you.  Instead I've had a playmate, best friend and partner since then.  your choice.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

He's a fitness instructor and he’s shown that he is charming and good at flirting. He mentioned getting together twice now but hasn’t followed up on it, and you've shown that you're open to his suggestion to go out, there are no real plans in his mind. Give it a couple more days but I wouldn't be too keen on texting him. 

I would give it no time at all starting now.  If in the future he reliably follows up decide then.  No need to waste precious energy "waiting" on a person you met at a gym or increasing your stomach acid or getting a migraine.

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If in the future he reliably follows up decide then. 

I would do the opposite. I would give it a couple more days, then write him off. If he was available in the future after that, I would just decline altogether. 

[Batya33]

Just now, yogacat said:

I would do the opposite. I would give it a couple more days, then write him off. If he was available in the future after that, I would just decline altogether. 

That's fine.  when I dated if I gave a guy like that head space for me personally it would have festered and affected my spare free time to meet more men and move along.  And I'd personally have risked getting burnt out or worse like jaded.  I took it one date at a time -if we went on a date and we had a great time I remembered it like that -and unless and until he asked me out for another date or accepted my invitation for another date with enthusiasm it was one and done.  Because that was a fact.  The fact was there was no date unless one was planned.  Once one was planned I counted on the man showing up and with a few exceptions in my life the man did.  I personally never saw the point of thinking about a person at all in that situation but nor did I write him off -just didn't give him head space.

I had a guy over 20 years ago meet me for dinner and three times in an hour he smacked the table and said I'M GONNA CALL YOU AGAIN!!!  Three weeks later he did -left a voicemail with some weak lame apology that made no sense.  Obviously I never called him back and obviously I didn't give him headspace.  Made for a good story though.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Your choice

Just be ready for the downside of this type of readiness.

Three days in the "dating"  realm is a long time.

He's not that busy.

[LovelyRoses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's fine.  when I dated if I gave a guy like that head space for me personally it would have festered and affected my spare free time to meet more men and move along.  And I'd personally have risked getting burnt out or worse like jaded.  I took it one date at a time -if we went on a date and we had a great time I remembered it like that -and unless and until he asked me out for another date or accepted my invitation for another date with enthusiasm it was one and done.  Because that was a fact.  The fact was there was no date unless one was planned.  Once one was planned I counted on the man showing up and with a few exceptions in my life the man did.  I personally never saw the point of thinking about a person at all in that situation but nor did I write him off -just didn't give him head space.

I had a guy over 20 years ago meet me for dinner and three times in an hour he smacked the table and said I'M GONNA CALL YOU AGAIN!!!  Three weeks later he did -left a voicemail with some weak lame apology that made no sense.  Obviously I never called him back and obviously I didn't give him headspace.  Made for a good story though.  

I’m the girl that posted all about how the guy I dated after 6 dates said he didn’t feel romantic, even though we connected well. And how I’ve tried to date ever since and I’ve been ghosted, not had men genuinely interested in me.

then I’ve met this guy and I dunno if I’m overthinking. I have never been asked out organically but maybe I really am naive and men go on dates with girls even if they have a girlfriend. Or maybe he asked me and realised it’s wrong or something 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’m the girl that posted all about how the guy I dated after 6 dates said he didn’t feel romantic, even though we connected well. And how I’ve tried to date ever since and I’ve been ghosted, not had men genuinely interested in me.

then I’ve met this guy and I dunno if I’m overthinking. I have never been asked out organically but maybe I really am naive and men go on dates with girls even if they have a girlfriend. Or maybe he asked me and realised it’s wrong or something 

He didn't yet ask you out -he asked if you'd want to get a drink then he said he'd follow up and it might or might not be a date and there's no date planned.  I'd stop with the self deprecating naive - don't you know of people who get asked out? Seen it on TV? A movie? Read about it..  People who have partners do go on dates and ask people out for dates.  It means  they are cheating/potentially cheating and/or in an open relationship.  I wrote above maybe he changed his mind.  It can happen.  Doesn't mean at all that he's a player. 

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He didn't yet ask you out -he asked if you'd want to get a drink then he said he'd follow up and it might or might not be a date and there's no date planned.  I'd stop with the self deprecating naive - don't you know of people who get asked out? Seen it on TV? A movie? Read about it..  People who have partners do go on dates and ask people out for dates.  It means  they are cheating/potentially cheating and/or in an open relationship.  I wrote above maybe he changed his mind.  It can happen.  Doesn't mean at all that he's a player. 

I’ve just never had a boyfriend and had such bad luck, and I worry that luck will never change. It’s been nice to actually meet someone I like since the last guy 😞

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve just never had a boyfriend and had such bad luck, and I worry that luck will never change. It’s been nice to actually meet someone I like since the last guy 😞

You have met a person you would be interested in going on a date with. He has expressed interest in meeting for a drink in the future and told you he plans on calling to firm up plans.  If that happens, cool, you'll figure it out then.  It's not his fault that you see him as your last best hope and it's unfair to burden what's already a challenging situation - dating! - with all these unrealistic expectations/accusations and baggage. A part of dating is luck and timing.  Most of it is not. Worrying is useless energy in reaction to your pity party.  

[LovelyRoses]

57 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have met a person you would be interested in going on a date with. He has expressed interest in meeting for a drink in the future and told you he plans on calling to firm up plans.  If that happens, cool, you'll figure it out then.  It's not his fault that you see him as your last best hope and it's unfair to burden what's already a challenging situation - dating! - with all these unrealistic expectations/accusations and baggage. A part of dating is luck and timing.  Most of it is not. Worrying is useless energy in reaction to your pity party.  

I’ve felt really lucky to have met him. Like theres a very clear attraction between us, physical touch, flirting and good conversation like we’ve known each other forever. I just hope this isn’t what players make you feel. I keep h getting told that if a guy likes you, he wouldn’t wait 3 days. 

[SophiaG]

59 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I just hope this isn’t what players make you feel.

Unfortunately players do often make people feel special or they won't have anybody to play with!

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

if a guy likes you, he wouldn’t wait 3 days. 

That's probably the case. But there can always be exceptions. Nobody can tell for sure if he's a player or if he's in a relationship, cheating, etc. Take it as a good thing and a confidence boost that he's attracted to you, others might be too. As for how much exactly he's attracted to you or if this is going anywhere? Too early to tell and too soon to start worrying about that. Distract yourself with your activities and focus on other things than him. If it happens it happens.

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve felt really lucky to have met him. Like theres a very clear attraction between us, physical touch, flirting and good conversation like we’ve known each other forever. I just hope this isn’t what players make you feel. I keep h getting told that if a guy likes you, he wouldn’t wait 3 days. 

I'd dial this back a lot in your head.  And the whole irrational connection to "players" - there might be physical attraction and doesn't mean he will want to confirm a meeting for drinks or go on a date with you.  He is not making you feel anything -you are making yourself go down paths by reacting to feelings that are based in past baggage and a biased sense of some victim/self-pity.  

If this individual wants to take you out for drinks he will reliably follow up.  He's not waiting - he told you when he plans to confirm to meet for drinks which may or may not be a date.  I think people who want to date other people and are available to date typically act on that desire to date sooner than later because they don't want to miss out on the opportunity.  Nothing to do with guys gals or gender.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve felt really lucky to have met him

Why? You barely know the guy. What is there to feel "lucky" about?

He might be great or he might a total clown - and you're already starting to put him on a pedestal.  

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

good conversation like we’ve known each other forever

Again, you're getting way ahead of yourself. How long or deep have your conversations with him actually been? 

[LovelyRoses]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why? You barely know the guy. What is there to feel "lucky" about?

He might be great or he might a total clown - and you're already starting to put him on a pedestal.  

Again, you're getting way ahead of yourself. How long or deep have your conversations with him actually been? 

Because I’ve relied on dating apps for years, I’ve never been asked out the clubs and hobbies I do so this is the first time I’ve met someone organically. We’ve chat for like 20 mins after about 4 of his classes. So I good time. We’ve talked about some deeper things and he’s quite open.