Someone tell me I need to let go

[endy]

I just really needed somewhere to type this out....

Here I am sitting in my empty house the day my wife moved out. We love each other, but we need to let go for our own happiness. I guess sometimes love is knowing when to let go. 

I know most of the answers, but I need someone who has been there to tell me we are doing the right thing and it's going to be ok. 

We both do not let go easily. We've been to therapy, tried for years to make things better. She is abusive when she drinks. It's toxic... it's unfortunate. I love so deeply that I always tell myself there's a way back to happiness. I love and hate this about myself. I can't just let go easily like some. I value myself, but I never just leave.

I'm torn, I feel broken, I feel like we need to try one last time. Divorce is filed, we both have lawyers, it's amicable. We talk still... we cry... This sucks.

One of the hardest days of my life has been today, coming home to this empty house... I know it is just suffering that is familiar. I know I have to force myself to go through this, but it is hard... 42 years old and 14 years of her and I...

The hard part is there is no ill will. No cheating, just incompatibility and a lack of growing together. There is love but we are far from being in love. It's hard to remember good times. 

[ShySoul]

I can't speak from personal experience, but I can share the experience of my parents who divorced after over 20 years and with alcohol playing a major part in their problems.

You are doing the right thing. My parents didn't split. They didn't try to work through things. They let it build and build. It became so toxic that when it finally did erupt there was ill will. The divorce wasn't amicable. Even though I could see how much they were each hurting, they still let their pride get in the way and had to blame and attack the other. It wasn't healthy or good for either of them. And even though I was already an adult by that time, it wasn't good for me either. Nor was it good to have to grow up seeing all the fights and problems, watching my father constantly being drunk.

You've both handled this in a far more mature way. You;ve loved each other enough to really try to fix things and to be able to admit when it's not working. You are doing the right thing for both of you, ending it before the bitterness and resentments can take over and posion all the good memories you share. You will be able to look back and be happy at the time together, knowing you did have something special even if it wasn't meant to last forever. 

Its going to be rough. You will have times it will be down right miserable. But you'll get through it. Even with all the problems and baggage my parents had, it was still ultimately better for them to separate. They were able to find at least a little happiness afterwards. As you seem more mature then either of them, I have no doubt that happiness will come your way and it will be even better. 

One day at a time, little by little. It's okay to be depressed, the wound is still new. But have faith, it will get easier. You just have to push through and let time do its thing.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, endy said:

She is abusive when she drinks.

Yeah, you did the right thing.

You will bounce back. Bit by bit. Fill in that house with stuff. And in time even find somebody else to move in with you. Just open your eyes more and dont let it be abusive alcie.

[BeatPoet]

Loving each other doesn't mean you will also love to live together. Most of my exes became exes not because we didn't love each other, but because they wanted to live together in an exclusive relationship and I don't. 

I'm happier post-divorce than in the last few years of my marriage. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Work on your issues and try to get better each day.

You've got a bunch more days ahead so focus on getting better and being happy for those days to come.

[Andrina]

If she'd admitted herself into rehab, then maybe you could've given it time to see if things improved. But she chose continuing with her disease versus being in a healthy relationship.

You're in the toughest period now, where you have to get used to a new norm. Know that mourning is an essential stage before you get to the healing part. Let yourself be sad, but also try to inject joy at least once a day into your life. Cook a favorite meal or try a new recipe. Ask a friend to join you on a hike. Good luck in the next chapter of your life.

[AuthenticSelf]

OK! So the situation is you and her divorce after 14 years living together. 

So, why did the divorce happen? 

[TeeDee]

Start going to Al Anon meetings.  It's a support group for people who love drunks.  You need to understand how her toxic behavior affects you.  They have all been where you are & can help you 

[endy]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I was just really emotional that evening. I am doing better now and have a clearer head. I had posted about this in the past... I went and read through those posts. Same issues 6 years ago. 

I just need to power through it and heal. It helps to remember and look at her actions. It's over, I need to deal with it and move on.