Advice about my chaotic situation with my long distance gf

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

From all I've read this emotional connection is based on and fueled by unhealthy stuff and lots of fantasy

Yes, precisely. 

It's best not to delude onself into thinking this is something rare or special, just because one is afraid of being single. Raise your standards OP. You can do better than this. I don't think you're going to look back and fondly or with longing as you remember how it felt to be blocked 12 times. 

This isn't love. It's mistreatment and you be wise to stop tolerating this crap. 

[ShySoul]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

From all I've read this emotional connection is based on and fueled by unhealthy stuff and lots of fantasy it seems since they've only met in person four times and yet she's traveling with male "friend"

None of us know anything about the male friends, so have no basis to assume anything about them. And he admits that he as abandoment issues that are likely to cause him to believe she is wanting to leave and see more into these guys then might actually be there.

I said her blocking repeatedly was unhealthy. But we also don't know why or what is going on in her mind. Having a deep connection with someone might actually be causing her to run away. I experienced that with someone. She didn't know how to process her own emotions so reacted poorly. I'd like to know more about her past and why she doing these things before I condemn her for them.

I also see a lot of healthy things. Someone who shares your interests, whom you can spend hours talking to, finishing sentences because you are on the same wavelength. I see someone willing to travel to see him and spend time with him.

And four times in two years is still four times. I know I'm probably the lone voice here who will say it, but you don't have to be in person for it to be real. If you feel the connection, it is real for you regardless the method of communication. If you can spend all day together virtually, you are still spending all day together. Plus how long were those four times? Given the distance, I'm guessing it wasn't a quick trip and that substantial time was involved, time spent together. You can get very close to someone in a very short period of time.

But don't take my word for it. There are some who think you need to meet in person often. And there are some who will be fine meeting far less then four times in two years and still find a way to make it last. All depends on the individuals, all are real, and all are equally valid with nothing wrong about it.

"I waited 6 years and we just met last month for the first time waiting was extremely hard but the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done."

"Covid kept us apart for 680 days. We are now married and will be closing the gap permanently in 53 days. At no point during that 680 days did we even start to consider ending it."

"It's almost been two years and I can wait two more. Never have I felt like my relationship is dying nor the need to distance myself. "

https://www.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/1agjfb4/whats_the_longest_you_think_you_can_go_without/

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

None of us know anything about the male friends, so have no basis to assume anything about them. And he admits that he as abandoment issues that are likely to cause him to believe she is wanting to leave and see more into these guys then might actually be there.

I said her blocking repeatedly was unhealthy. But we also don't know why or what is going on in her mind. Having a deep connection with someone might actually be causing her to run away. I experienced that with someone. She didn't know how to process her own emotions so reacted poorly. I'd like to know more about her past and why she doing these things before I condemn her for them.

I also see a lot of healthy things. Someone who shares your interests, whom you can spend hours talking to, finishing sentences because you are on the same wavelength. I see someone willing to travel to see him and spend time with him.

And four times in two years is still four times. I know I'm probably the lone voice here who will say it, but you don't have to be in person for it to be real. If you feel the connection, it is real for you regardless the method of communication. If you can spend all day together virtually, you are still spending all day together. Plus how long were those four times? Given the distance, I'm guessing it wasn't a quick trip and that substantial time was involved, time spent together. You can get very close to someone in a very short period of time.

But don't take my word for it. There are some who think you need to meet in person often. And there are some who will be fine meeting far less then four times in two years and still find a way to make it last. All depends on the individuals, all are real, and all are equally valid with nothing wrong about it.

"I waited 6 years and we just met last month for the first time waiting was extremely hard but the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done."

"Covid kept us apart for 680 days. We are now married and will be closing the gap permanently in 53 days. At no point during that 680 days did we even start to consider ending it."

"It's almost been two years and I can wait two more. Never have I felt like my relationship is dying nor the need to distance myself. "

https://www.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/1agjfb4/whats_the_longest_you_think_you_can_go_without/

 

I am referring to what Miss Canuck referred to - the cumulative unhealthy basis and focus of this relationship. If an emotional connection is based on two reasonably healthy individuals deciding to connect because they click, have stuff in common, shared values, get each other -of course that is special whether platonic or romantic.  That isn't this.  

Obviously there are arranged marriages where the people love each other so much, people who marry after two dates, people who never marry and love being long distance and seeing each other once a year.  But the difference is it is mutual. He is unhappy with her resistance to seeing him more often, he is unhappy with her now having time (hmmmmm) to go on vacation with male friends with her only excuse "oh they're 10 years older".  It's not mutual between them so it's nothing like what you posted.

when my future husband and I reconnected all those years later sparks flew.  We only got back together once we had a short but focused discussion on why we were getting back together, what it meant as far as long distance and relocation and our plans to start a family and get married if it worked out. 

Had we not been on the same exact page about all we would never have prioritized the clear emotional connection and I would have told any serious minded individual not to either - I'd have been really sad to walk away from the obvious spark and connection but my priority was to marry someone who was right for me in every way and that included us wanting the same things. 

I'd never have given up my dream of having a family for any man no matter how strong the connection.  From this perspective that is why I have this opniion -he is settling for a woman who doesn't want to see him often at all, who is full of drama and now is on holiday with male friends in the same hotel room most likely.  That should take priority over any emotional connection and on top of all of that it doesn't seem like this connection comes from two reasonably healthy reasonably confident people.  

 

[SophiaG]

My rule of thumb. If someone repeatedly does cruel things to you (that is, after clear communication how those things hurt you yet they do it again) they don't love you or care about you. Blocking isn't something that should happen for a second time in a relationship, especially with you said how it affected you. And she did this 12 times. Let that sink in.

[The Shark101]

On 9/22/2024 at 3:23 AM, sipep8 said:
Deep down, I feared this trip might be the moment I lose her for good
She was never yours to begin with.  

You have been in a "relationship" in your head ( how can you call a "relationship" seeing each other 4 times in two years?) ,  she? -  never. 
 

[The Shark101]

On 9/22/2024 at 5:44 AM, ShySoul said:

If she is on a vacation, maybe she busy with doing things there?

🤣🤣🤣 Of course she is, and not with one,,,, but with two 🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

[The Shark101]

On 9/22/2024 at 6:01 AM, Andrina said:

IMO, people who seek out or accept LDRs (at least ones that didn't start locally) have major issues wherein local dating is too scary or skeletons won't be as easily hidden if they dated locally.

Absolutely 💯.

 

[The Shark101]

On 9/22/2024 at 3:23 AM, sipep8 said:
Hello i'd like to have some advice about what should i do, i know you are not magician but well, i need to speak
I'm a 38y old guy, I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years with a 36y woman who has blocked me 12 times already, often for minor reasons like work stress or small disagreements (oh an yes one time she left me because i didn't have a job).
What makes things worse is that in these two years, we’ve only met in person four times. She has never invited me to her home, it's always here that come to visit me (because she doesn't pay the trip) and despite visiting my city a few times, she never posted anything about us on her social media. It feels like I’m hidden from her public life, I also got her two times deleting our instagram conversations.
When things are good, we talk all day and we even sleep on phone and watch movies, so she doesn't live with someone that's for sure, but there is something wrong that i don't know.
Currently, she’s traveling abroad with two male friends. When she first told me about the trip, I didn’t want her to go because it felt wrong, but I was afraid she would block me again or accuse me of being controlling. So, I didn’t say anything and let it happen. Deep down, I feared this trip might be the moment I lose her for good. Now that she’s there, I’m terrified...
Our communication has become so distant since she is there. She rarely messages me, and when she does, it’s brief, with no real conversations or calls, even though I know she could easily contact me before bed. This leaves me with a lot of questions and suspicions about what’s really going on, especially when she’s spending all this time with two other men. Why before bed she can't message me etc...
I’m worried that with how little we’re speaking right now, she might block me again, and I can’t shake the feeling that she might end up with one of the guys she’s traveling with.
I struggle with emotional dependence and a constant fear of abandonment. I’ve tried seeing psychiatrists and psychologists for over a year and even attempted hypnosis, but nothing has worked. I love her deeply and I feel trapped in this situation.
She’s coming back in a few days, and I don’t know if she’ll act like she used to or if she’ll be distant. I’m afraid she might find an excuse to block me again and spend time with one of the guys she’s been in this trip. feel lost and unsure of how to handle things. Yesterday, she sent me a quick “hey, how are you?” message, I replied, but the next day, I still haven’t heard anything back.
thanks...
😞
She's abusing you on any possible level.People will treat you the way you allowed them to treat you.Stop this nonsense of a "relationship" , and find you a local woman.

[ShySoul]

On 9/21/2024 at 10:53 AM, sipep8 said:

I struggle with emotional dependence and a constant fear of abandonment

This is a mixture of her being emotionally distant at times, and you allowing your fears to get the best of you. It's up to the two of you to try to reach a middle ground, each seeing and respecting the other's perspective. 

No one is abusing. No one is being abused. It is two people each with their own individual issues to work on which is causing friction between the two of you.

Again, it is a relationship. It is real, because you feel it is real. There are good times. You have met in person and enjoyed it. Those moments happened, they exist. This isn't a fantasy and can't be dismissed so easily. It is love if you feel it is love. No one else is inside your heart. No one but you can say what you are feeling. So be honest with yourself and really take a look at what you feel for her. Decide for yourself, don't be swayed by the opinions of anyone else, including me. The only one who knows for sure is you.

The question I wonder is, why does she keep running? It's easy to assume it's a game of emotional manipulation. It's easy and convenient to place the blame on someone none of us knows, to turn her into the villian of the story. But everyone has a backstory. What is her? What is her relationship history like? Could there be an explanation for her behavior?

As stated, I have experience with someone who runs. She tried probably a half dozen times. It wasn't manuiplation. She wasn't out to hurt me or was unhealthy for me. It was actually her fears and insecurities causing problems on her end. And in refusing to quit, while still staying firm in what I needed from her, I was able to fight back each and every attempt and we came out closer because of it. Yes, it hurt and was confusing at the time. But the experience was well worth it, both with her and how this lesson has served me well since then.

I don't know her, I can't say why she does any of this. The one who knows her best is you. So you need to decide what is right for the two of you, working with her and not basing it off of your own personal issues and insecurities.

Just talk to her. Communicate. It's what healthy couples do. 

Hoping for the best for you.

[ShySoul]

On 9/21/2024 at 10:53 AM, sipep8 said:

I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years with a 36y woman who has blocked me 12 times already, often for minor reasons like work stress or small disagreements (oh an yes one time she left me because i didn't have a job).

Might want to take a look at this and see if it might apply in this situation. Not saying it does, but it's something to consider before you start making assumptions about her actions. 

https://manelblanco.blogspot.com/2014/10/running-away-from-relationships-what.html

https://www.awakenthebeauty.com/blog/maybe-one-of-you-is-the-runner-in-the-relationship

[TeeDee]

On 9/21/2024 at 1:53 PM, sipep8 said:

I'm a 38y old guy, I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years with a 36y woman who has blocked me 12 times already, often for minor reasons like work stress or small disagreements (oh an yes one time she left me because i didn't have a job).

I didn't read past this.  Get off this crazy merry go round.  Once you were blocked for the 2nd time, that should have been your clue to leave it & her alone forever. 

At this point you are no longer a victim.  You are a volunteer.