Advice about my chaotic situation with my long distance gf

[sipep8]

Hello i'd like to have some advice about what should i do, i know you are not magician but well, i need to speak

I'm a 38y old guy, I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years with a 36y woman who has blocked me 12 times already, often for minor reasons like work stress or small disagreements (oh an yes one time she left me because i didn't have a job).

What makes things worse is that in these two years, we’ve only met in person four times. She has never invited me to her home, it's always here that come to visit me (because she doesn't pay the trip) and despite visiting my city a few times, she never posted anything about us on her social media. It feels like I’m hidden from her public life, I also got her two times deleting our instagram conversations.

When things are good, we talk all day and we even sleep on phone and watch movies, so she doesn't live with someone that's for sure, but there is something wrong that i don't know.

Currently, she’s traveling abroad with two male friends. When she first told me about the trip, I didn’t want her to go because it felt wrong, but I was afraid she would block me again or accuse me of being controlling. So, I didn’t say anything and let it happen. Deep down, I feared this trip might be the moment I lose her for good. Now that she’s there, I’m terrified...

Our communication has become so distant since she is there. She rarely messages me, and when she does, it’s brief, with no real conversations or calls, even though I know she could easily contact me before bed. This leaves me with a lot of questions and suspicions about what’s really going on, especially when she’s spending all this time with two other men. Why before bed she can't message me etc...

I’m worried that with how little we’re speaking right now, she might block me again, and I can’t shake the feeling that she might end up with one of the guys she’s traveling with.

I struggle with emotional dependence and a constant fear of abandonment. I’ve tried seeing psychiatrists and psychologists for over a year and even attempted hypnosis, but nothing has worked. I love her deeply and I feel trapped in this situation.

She’s coming back in a few days, and I don’t know if she’ll act like she used to or if she’ll be distant. I’m afraid she might find an excuse to block me again and spend time with one of the guys she’s been in this trip. feel lost and unsure of how to handle things. Yesterday, she sent me a quick “hey, how are you?” message, I replied, but the next day, I still haven’t heard anything back.

thanks... 😞

 

[Batya33]

Did you two agree on exclusivity? If not sounds like she is dating one or both of them or wants to. All that blocking etc sounds like wayyyyyy too much drama and work for someone you've had 4 dates with.  JMHO.

[sipep8]

Of course we agreed on exclusivity, she even told me to don't worry about these guys they are 10y older than her...

[Batya33]

Just now, sipep8 said:

Of course we agreed on exclusivity, she even told me to don't worry about these guys they are 10y older than her...

LOL because they are 10 years older? Please.  And who knows if that is true.  It didn't sound like "of course" because exclusive couples see each other more often and it's concerning she's not posting about you if she posts about others- does she post about these "older" friends? 

Why weren't you invited on the trip? Is she sharing a room with them?

You do have to keep seeing other therapists/seeking help -it's hard to find a good therapist from all I hear.

[sipep8]

i also think 10y older is not that bad... lol

yeah  no one know if it's true or not, she told me she is not posting because she doesn't when people look at her life and ask her stuffs...but i know it's not the truth, i remember once i asked her that when i was in front of her "why do you never show us on instagram ?" her face became red and she didn't know what to reply.

i was not invited to the trip because it was very pricy and also my dog has health problem i can't move much.

I think she is sharing a room, she would call or text me before sleeping if she were alone.

for the therapist i don't know i'm starting to really give up 😞

[MissCanuck]

What is the point of a relationship like this, OP?

You barely ever see each other. She sounds insanely immature with all the blocking. What exactly are you getting out of this, and what is your end goal here? She doesn't seem to care much about you. 

25 minutes ago, sipep8 said:

I struggle with emotional dependence and a constant fear of abandonment.

Then this is absolutely the wrong relationship for you. All the therapy in the world can't help if you stand in your own way by pursuing unrealistic prospects like this woman. 

[sipep8]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is the point of a relationship like this, OP?

You barely ever see each other. She sounds insanely immature with all the blocking. What exactly are you getting out of this, and what is your end goal here? She doesn't seem to care much about you. 

Then this is absolutely the wrong relationship for you. All the therapy in the world can't help if you stand in your own way by pursuing unrealistic prospects like this woman. 

we met on social media and we discovered that we played the same game, so we played together, then started to watch movie together, then calling from morning to night everyday, but yeah we met irl 4 times, everytime around 3 or 4 days, so i'd say we were physically together around 2 weeks in 2 years lol, what make me crazy is that she is spending 2 whole weeks with these dudes.

 

but yeah when you are a person like me you get attached to someone that call you from morning to night everyday, especially when the connexion is good and we always have something to say. the intimacy was also great when we met and we had lots of fun too.

anyway i'm sure that i'm gonna be blocked when she comes back 😞

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, sipep8 said:

so i'd say we were physically together around 2 weeks in 2 years lol

That's very little. How far apart are you that you can't manage to meet more often? 

It just doesn't sound like much of a relationship. It's mostly an online friend that you see on the very odd occasion, and she doesn't even treat you very well. It isn't going anywhere, in other words.

[sipep8]

we are are around 840km appart, and yeah that's very little i know

i don't know she often told me she love me etc but of course i can see that the relationship is weird and that there is something wrong.

 

i don't know what to do now 😞

[ShySoul]

You have no proof anything is going on with either of these guys. I have been on a trip and even stayed in the same room with a woman more then 10 years older. Nothing happened. We are just really close, long term friends who wanted to do something togehter. Nothing wrong with that. So there is no reason to believe something is happening here other then your own insecurities and fear of abandonment. Try to not think of them and focus on the two people that matter - you and her.

Also, people can and have carried on with online relationships when they are far apart and rarely get to see each other. That in itself doesn't mean the relationship is weird or doomed. What counts is that the people involved do spend time together - if only virtually - and both show that they care about and love the other person.

If she is on a vacation, maybe she busy with doing things there? She also seems like a private person in some ways, so maybe she likes having you to herself. Not every relationship needs to be splashed across social media for the world to see.

The one troubling thing I do see is the blocking and unblocking. She isn't handling the inevitable problems that come in a relationship in a mature and healthy manner. Given your own personal struggles, this is extra rough for you. 

Have you talked with her about it? Have you let her know how it makes you feel? Is she aware of how triggering that is and of your fear of abandoment? She needs to understand what her acts do to you and learn how not to turn things into a silly game. And the only way to get there is to have a calm, honest, adult conversation free of accusations and overreactions.

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, sipep8 said:

we are are around 840km appart, and yeah that's very little i know

Then what are the realistic prospects of this going any further? 

21 minutes ago, sipep8 said:

i can see that the relationship is weird

It just completely unfulfilling and not at all healthy. 

Sorry, OP. I wouldn't waste more time on what is clearly a dead end. It's hurting you more than it's bringing you joy and happiness. 

[Andrina]

IMO, people who seek out or accept LDRs (at least ones that didn't start locally) have major issues wherein local dating is too scary or skeletons won't be as easily hidden if they dated locally.

The sort of LDR you're in never had a good chance of success, so it's no surprise it's tanking.

I suggest continue to find a good fit in therapists and work on yourself solo. When you get to a good place mentally, restrict yourself to local dating. The vetting process is far more practical in local dating and regularly being with someone in 3D is for more enjoyable.