Heartbroken, still in love and want to get back together any advice?

[Pocketgroblin]

After over 1.5 years together my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. It was quite sudden, a result of an argument that we had. While we did have communication issues, we were improving and both in therapy and reading books on couple communication together. We never name called or yelled (we raised voices once, I would often cry but I am a crier). At one point we both said this was the healthiest relationship we had been in. We have pretty much everything in common, we are the same type of weird, could talk for hours, completely compatible in life goals, sense of humour and values. And in terms of our sex life, was amazing right up until the end. There was so much laughter and we were genuinely best friends. He's not a very social person even tough his work sort of forces him to be, and he does an amazing job, but both of us felt more comfortable sharing things with eachother than other friends. We both are super into music and do music production. I helped out and became part of this dance music collective he runs, and it became something I was heavily involved with. made many friends and I miss it a lot. I'm not sure he appreciates how much effort I put in. We definitely had a rough patch when my mental health suffered this year, I went back into therapy which helped. Even through all of that there was so much good. And our relationship was improving and recovery was happening, but not as quick as he would have liked. I have CPTSD and ADHD, I used to have an OCD diagnosis so suffer with paranoia, emotional dysregulation etc. He was incredibly angry at the point of the breakup said some quite nasty things, then as I packed up some of my stuff he broke down crying. He is a really stoic person, rarely cries. Only seen him cry a handful of times. He said all the usual things after that "don't wait for me" "You will find someone better" "you shouldn't put up with me, you deserve better" "I don't want to lose you I want to be friends." Then no contact. I went on the holiday we were meant to go on together. We had even planned another trip in September. I was blindsided. I have been distraught. I have never cried over other long term exes like this. It has been horrific. Two months later I still end up sobbing. I haven't been depressed and in fact all the progress I made with therapy has gone out of the window at least for now. I was better in the relationship. I was healthier. Now I have no motivation to get better, and at the moment it's hard to hope because everyone on reddit and forums seems to say there is no chance for a relationship with an ex to work out. They seem to all think No contact and never go back.  When I asked for my belongings back he didn't want to do it face to face so I got my dad to pick up my stuff as he can drive and could pick up my bike. To me that was closure. It broke my heart it felt like he hated me. My dad reported that he seemed like me, quite sad, and dad reported he said things about us not working in the short term but right for eachother in the long term, that he had been reading books about my mental illness,
I seriously have taken decades to find someone who matches with me so perfectly. I don't think I will ever get this again, and I think he knows this too. 
I saw him last week (he invited me out to talk in person in a long message). I was resistant to meeting. I thought if we just met and he was just telling me all the things he thought was wrong in the relationship and making closer etc it wouldn't be good for me. But I gave it a shot after thinking for a week.  When we met up it was friendly at first. Then he got a bit upset and asked if I could mute/archive the group chats we are in and not look at the updates with the dance music collective, as he doesn't want to think about how stories and posts affect me, especially when he posts pictures of me apparently. He doesn't want me to feel disrespected, but it seems it's more for his comfort. Now I expressed how sad I was that not only have I lost a relationship but also the community I worked hard on and brought me so much joy and purpose. I also now don't have people to share my songs with to get mix feedback. He started crying and I apologised as I didn't want to make him feel guilty. He said that wasn't it. He was crying because he loves my music, it's hard. He doesn't want to be refreshing my soundcloud to check, like he is scared to. He doesn't want to hear any of my new tracks. After that I set up a boundary that I don't want to just have some depressing talk about how this is over and why. I have had my closure. He asked about how my life was going, about my work situation I was stressed about last time we saw eachother. It actually ended up going well and I have had my contract extended. We talked about video games and shared interests. Spent ages talking about mixing tracks and how our headphones that we both use don't get enough bass coverage- I had noticed the same thing. He said he could send over some of his presets to help me. Talked about the holiday, he said it was probably the right decision for him not to go but that he was sad to miss it. Honestly talking was so easy. I said how hard it was that it was so easy to talk to him. He opened up about how he has estranged himself from his family, and his relationship with his parents is in a really bad place. His parents are nice, I'm jealous of his lovely mum (Mine was abusive). But I think drama with his sibling has made things bad. He is in no contact with his family now. He's not sure if it's pathological demand avoidance issues holding him back from things. He felt bad about sharing saying it wasn't my problem, but it was nice to talk to someone who knows him. He isn't sure about his work either, but seems to be wanting to make the electronic music stuff more focused on himself rather than a collective. He was very emotional at many points. I have not seen him be so emotionally vulnerable or sad in such an obvious way even throughout our whole relationship. It was almost better our communication because he was being so open. He gave some clarity to his thoughts about how he thinks we were focused on a future together which wasn't necessarily going to happen, when in the now it wasn't working.  He told me I should enjoy not dating as no one expects me to be dating right now so I should enjoy that time. He told me I shouldn't think about the future. I was very stoic. Tried to be cheerful and comfort him when he cried. But it was so hard not to just scoop him into my arms and kiss him on the forehead to make him feel better. To not say that I had missed him. 
the kicker is then he apologised for how he acted during the breakup and for making me think he didn't love me anymore because he thinks that he still loves me even now two months later. He wasn't sure if he should say it, he was really hesitant. Not sure if it was healthy. I couldn't say it back in that moment. I said I didn't really want to be loved now. Which made him tearful. I didn't tell him this but if it's not with him, I am not sure I can love anymore. We finished up by me exchanging one the matching patches we bought on holiday a few weeks before we broke up. I was surprised he still wanted it. He reminisced about how the holiday was nice. He had to go work for an event, and tbh I had been looking for a bit of an out. There wasn't any reconciliation so I was pretty much done. He hugged me goodbye and in a moment of weakness I said "I love you too." He sighed thank you, and rubbed my back. I said I am struggling to imagine a future without him and he said to not think about it, to focus on the now.  He said see you around and we hugged again. I regret but also don't the fact that I didn't say that I missed him or wanted to get back together. I made it seem like I was happier than I was because I don't want him to feel guilty. No one wants to hurt anyone.

I just don't understand how this happened. I am still reeling. I cannot stand the thought of either of us dating anyone else. Someone asked me out this week, they were cute and really nice. Was a good boost to my confidence but I just can't. I can't hope. I want nothing more than to be with him. But it's breaking my heart. We haven't talked since. I still have a couple items of his and he has a couple of mine. He said he wants them back as they're sentimental. We have a roll of film from our holiday that isn't developed and he has it. Would like those photos sooner rather than later because I really want to remember the happiness. I really want to see him again. He is going to be at an event tonight I was already wanting to go to, but now I don't think it's a good idea. I would love to go out and my therapist said it would be good, and our mutual friend said I should go. But I don't want to freak him out. I would love seeing him. Which is the problem. I don't think I should go if I want to see him.
God I just want to talk to him. I miss my best friend, my soulmate. I don't know how to go on. I'm suicidal for the first time in years.

[TeeDee]

Do not kill yourself.  A failed relationship is not worth your life.  Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  

Go to the event tonight & look your best.  "never let 'em see you sweat" is your new mantra

If you want to get back together you probably need to just put it out there but maybe not at the event tonight & definitely NOT by text.  I can't stress that latter enough.  If you text him that you will never get back together.  

Personally I don't see the point in going backwards in life.  

[Batya33]

Please get help ASAP if you are suicidal.  I'm so sorry you are hurting.  It's pretty simple IMO. People who are available to be together and want to be together -are together.  They do what it takes.  Not just pretty words and dramatic gestures.  If the event is work related for you and beneficial to your work I'd go and otherwise I would not go as you're too vulnerable. 

I wondered why you wrote that you cried when you were with him -with him as a couple -you're a crier fine but what was there to cry about? Perhaps things weren't as perfect as they seemed and perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. 

I hope you feel better.

[Pocketgroblin]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please get help ASAP if you are suicidal.  I'm so sorry you are hurting.  It's pretty simple IMO. People who are available to be together and want to be together -are together.  They do what it takes.  Not just pretty words and dramatic gestures.  If the event is work related for you and beneficial to your work I'd go and otherwise I would not go as you're too vulnerable. 

I wondered why you wrote that you cried when you were with him -with him as a couple -you're a crier fine but what was there to cry about? Perhaps things weren't as perfect as they seemed and perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. 

I hope you feel better.

So I'm a very emotional person and cry when happy, sad, angry etc. Im not really an angry person, I struggle with expressing  emotions outside of tears, think it's related to abuse. But yeah sometimes would cry when I felt like he was being cold or he was angry with me.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Pocketgroblin said:

So I'm a very emotional person and cry when happy, sad, angry etc. Im not really an angry person, I struggle with expressing  emotions outside of tears, think it's related to abuse. But yeah sometimes would cry when I felt like he was being cold or he was angry with me.

Yes and maybe for him specifically this was too much and  too overwhelming because often once a person cries it's a conversation stopper and the person who might be hurt feels trapped into saying nothing to a person who is crying.  If you struggle this much I wonder how perfect your interaction with him was particularly if he had to be concerned that if anything got emotional on your end there come the tears every time.

 

[ShySoul]

No one on reddit or any forum knows you or the relationship you had. What anyone says is based on what they would do, not what is best for you. If you had gone no contact and not looked back you would not have had what was a mostly positive experience. You wouldn't have got any closure. You wouldn't have clarity on things that happened. You both were able to be vulnerable and express yourself, coming to a better understanding of things. And you can see that no matter what happened, you both still love each other. That may or may not turn out to be the spend your life together kind of love, but it's helpful to know a person does care and wants the best for you, even if it may not be them.

It takes time. Take as much time as you need. If you don't want to go out, then don't. If you don't want to date, don't. If you do, then do it. If you aren't over him, that's fine. Hold onto hope as long as you need to. If you still have feelings, there is a reason. Trust them. Anything can happen, no one can predict the future.

The only think that counts here is what will make you feel better. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Trust yourself. Do what makes you happy.

There is also nothing wrong with crying or being emotional. It's how we process things. 

I've had my heartbroken. I felt like not going on with life. But I pushed forward, one day at a time. And better days came my way, just as they will for you. You are strong and one day will have everything you've dreamed of. Believe in it and keep going until it gets here. Faith manages.

[Pocketgroblin]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

No one on reddit or any forum knows you or the relationship you had. What anyone says is based on what they would do, not what is best for you. If you had gone no contact and not looked back you would not have had what was a mostly positive experience. You wouldn't have got any closure. You wouldn't have clarity on things that happened. You both were able to be vulnerable and express yourself, coming to a better understanding of things. And you can see that no matter what happened, you both still love each other. That may or may not turn out to be the spend your life together kind of love, but it's helpful to know a person does care and wants the best for you, even if it may not be them.

It takes time. Take as much time as you need. If you don't want to go out, then don't. If you don't want to date, don't. If you do, then do it. If you aren't over him, that's fine. Hold onto hope as long as you need to. If you still have feelings, there is a reason. Trust them. Anything can happen, no one can predict the future.

The only think that counts here is what will make you feel better. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Trust yourself. Do what makes you happy.

There is also nothing wrong with crying or being emotional. It's how we process things. 

I've had my heartbroken. I felt like not going on with life. But I pushed forward, one day at a time. And better days came my way, just as they will for you. You are strong and one day will have everything you've dreamed of. Believe in it and keep going until it gets here. Faith manages.

Thank you. This is such a beautiful message. I hope you are loved, I am sure whoever loves you is so lucky.

[Andrina]

If he sensed you would be suicidal without him, that's too much pressure on a person to handle. Could be that he saw this was way above what he is capable of handling--really, what nobody should have to be subjected to. Please let your therapist know ASAP how you're feeling, and if you can't get a hold of them, call a hotline. 

I'd just concentrate on yourself for now. Take comfort in spending time with family and friends. Pamper yourself. Give yourself some time and maybe you can get a clearer perspective of things with some distance from the situation.

Even if you believed it was the healthiest relationship either of you have been in, why did it require all that work with each in personal therapy and reading books on communication at such an early stage in the relationship? Perhaps this union was a step above what you're used to, but maybe not the premium one that might be in your future.

I know that when I thought I was mentally in a good place to be in a relationship, I really wasn't. It took time and distance after a breakup and a lot more work on myself before I was really ready. I wish you well as you go through all the stages one must get through in a break up to get to the healing part. Most of us have been there and can relate. Take care.