Is this just friendship and I am being naive? Should I ask her on a date?

[michael10]

I came to a different university, successfully studied elsewhere before. By pure chance, I started talking to this girl , and we found out that we were from the same previous university. We literally talked for an hour nonstop. The next day, we didn’t have many classes, she thought about going back to her dorm, but she ended up staying with me in the hallway for almost 6 hours, and we talked nonstop again. No joke, we didn’t stop. No awkward silences, just constant talking and laughing. She always looks into my eyes. Once she put her elbow on her knee, rested her head on her hand, and looked straight into my eyes, like “Yeah, keep going, what were you saying?” In my head, I was stunned and wanted to ask, “What are we?”

Anyway, I noticed a guy with a dog on her phone wallpaper, but I couldn’t tell who it was because the picture was taken from a distance. She’s shy like me, doesn’t have any photos on social media, and is amazed herself that if it weren’t for that coincidence, we wouldn’t even be talking and would both be alone. We’re both kind of outsiders and only talk to each other.

She also said, “I hope you don’t leave me here alone,” and I responded, “I also hope YOU don’t leave me here alone.” She replied, “Don’t worry,” and I said, “I am staying no matter what.” 

Of course, I’ve developed feelings for her, but I think she might already be in a relationship. However, she only ever talks about friends or girlfriends and never mentions a boyfriend. I don’t understand. Is this purely friendship and I’m the only one seeing it differently?

Next week I want to say “ I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I really enjoy spending time with you, I would like to get to know you more, let’s call it date?”

[Batya33]

I’d ask but more casually 

[michael10]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I’d ask but more casually 

My new version : "I hope I don't catch you off guard. I'm going to switch topics now; I want to be honest. I've been thinking about you and how I enjoy spending time with you and I'd like to get to know you better outside of school, if you're interested."

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, michael10 said:

she only ever talks about friends or girlfriends and never mentions a boyfriend.

Some people are like that. Don’t assume. Ask her before you get any more invested.

1 hour ago, michael10 said:

I noticed a guy with a dog on her phone wallpaper, but I couldn’t tell who it was because the picture was taken from a distance.

What could you tell even if it’s closer? Unless it’s her dog and her favorite brother or something people don’t put randos on their wallpaper.

[SophiaG]

2 minutes ago, michael10 said:

My new version : "I hope I don't catch you off guard. I'm going to switch topics now; I want to be honest. I've been thinking about you and how I enjoy spending time with you and I'd like to get to know you better outside of school, if you're interested."

Too many words. My version: “are you seeing someone? If not, would you go on a date with me?”

[michael10]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

Too many words. My version: “are you seeing someone? If not, would you go on a date with me?”

that seems to me too much straight forward, from casual talking all of a sudden asking out 🫣

[Cherylyn]

Be straight forward.  No sense wasting your time and energy on a woman who is already in a relationship.

Of course, exercise tact.  Find out early. 

[Andrina]

Then how about just saying something like, "I'm getting pizza Friday night. Would you like to go?" Then during the meal, you can ask, "So, are you dating anyone?"

If she isn't, and you two end up dating, I'd advise that even though you two are presently new to the university, that you don't form a bubble of two in the highs of a new relationship.

Join a school club. Join study groups. Keep a healthy balance of time with and without her. Even if you two end up being so into each other that you want to spend time together daily, it'll be like a star that burns so bright, it eventually implodes. Don't do it.

Some relationships don't work and if you don't have a fulfilling life besides dating, a breakup will be a lot more devastating if you have nothing else good going on in your life. Keep a level head while exploring this new, interesting person in your life.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, michael10 said:

My new version : "I hope I don't catch you off guard. I'm going to switch topics now; I want to be honest. I've been thinking about you and how I enjoy spending time with you and I'd like to get to know you better outside of school, if you're interested."

My suggestion is -hey do you want to go on a hike on [day] and then maybe grab some lunch after?" I wouldn't do any of the preamble or complimenting -most people know why they're being asked to spend one on one time -come up with a specific activity, time and place in public.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, michael10 said:

The next day, we didn’t have many classes, she thought about going back to her dorm, but she ended up staying with me in the hallway for almost 6 hours, and we talked nonstop again.

Why spend 6 hours in a hallway when you could have asked her if she wanted to go for a slice of pizza or something? Opportunity was right there. From my experience, when a guy doesn't strike when it's hot, I got turned off, lost interest because I like to see some confidence...and when I see confidence, I felt desired, was worth the risk.  Remember that. Being confident can win the girl. 

[yogacat]

All you need to say is that you've enjoyed spending time with her and you'd like to get to know her better outside of school, and invite her out. Just keep it simple and direct. If you start throwing in "I hope you don't mind" and "I don't want to catch you off guard" it might make it seem like you're unsure about what you're saying and that you're hesitant, which could make her unsure and hesitant as well. Confidence is key, so just be honest and straightforward. Good luck!

[Batya33]

OP my husband was in his late 20s the first time he asked me out.  He was very very shy.  We'd met three times at work events and worked at the same large company and had conversations at each event over 9 months. When he called my office I literally didn't know why he could be calling -we'd spoken at an event a few days prior.  I figured he had a work question which would be unusual given our different jobs. I think we chatted very briefly and he simply said "do you want to go out for lunch."  I didn't know if it was a date since we worked at the same company.  But it didn't matter if I knew -the point was I said yes because I was open to spending one on one time with him outside of the office.  While at lunch it seemed pretty clear to me he meant it as a date.  Also he didn't ask me if I was dating someone.  I was! Not exclusively though.  That didn't matter either -I was having lunch during the work day with a coworker.  

My point is the goal is to spend one on one time.  Had I had an exclusive boyfriend I either would have said no to him or if I thought we could be work friends I'd have said yes and then told him just in case that I do have a significant other. 

I've had other men ask for one on one lunches or dinners etc and I wasn't entirely clear of the intention but again -who cares? When my ex fiancee and I got back together years later the first time we met for a catch up dinner it was not a date -but sparks flew.  We didn't act on the sparks for weeks after and met two more times platonically.  And yes he was the guy I'd had that lunch with years and years earlier.

Again the point is -spend one on one time together and see what happens -you don't have to call it a date but make it clear it is -one on one and you have a suggestion for a fun activity in public on a specific day -a woman who wants to spend the time will let you know if she needs to reschedule etc -and will want to do so -right away.

One time I asked a coworker to lunch who was flirting outrageously with me -we were interns in grad school - and we went to a pizza place where for the first time in the weeks he'd been flirting with me -he mentioned his girlfriend.  Since he'd been flirting and agreed to have lunch I thought that was kind of -shady.  There was no doubt he was fliring -others noticed as well.  

But -it only was one lunch -big deal.  Sure I was a little disappointed.