Advice for 35(M) thinking of DMing 21(F) stranger who seems to be my unique type

[CaliforniaMan_]

I am 35 (M), single, no kids, and have never been married. Part of this has to do with the fact that I have devoted my entire young adulthood to my studies (pursuing multiple advanced degrees). Another part of this has to do with waiting for a very specific type of person (whom I never really found all those years). For the record, my “type” pertains to factors related to faith, personality, and physical attributes.

Recently, I happened to be attending a (women’s) college game where one of the visiting players really caught my attention (her college is a few hours away from the area). In fact, she made such an impression on me that I was looking for an opportunity to wish her a good game afterward and possibly introduce myself. Unfortunately, the opportunity did not present itself. In my curiosity, I did what many other people would probably do (?) in this situation and looked her up on social media. What I saw mostly confirmed and reinforced my interest. 

I ask for your input on whether this is acceptable (especially due to the age difference): I am thinking about sending her a DM saying that I happened to be at the game and was a fan of her play, and then wish her a good rest of the season. Whether she responds will obviously determine if any further communication happens. Even if she does not respond, I would not necessarily regret giving her the genuine compliment. 

In defense of my potential interest in someone so much younger, I would argue that we are actually in similar life situations. The age gap between us is roughly equivalent to the number of years that I have spent in my room studying and being involved at my church, not dating, getting into relationships, advancing in my career (yet), etc. For what it’s worth, some people think that I look younger than I am and are surprised when I tell them that I am over 30. 

Thanks for any input or perspectives.  

[Batya33]

I would not because if she is a college athlete and not local she is likely extremely busy with her sport, studies and college life including social life so it is highly unlikely she'd want to interact with a much older man long distance. I know many many people -my husband and I included -who have advanced degrees, were and are devoted to our studies and careers and made time for relationships because we both were marriage minded. I think your choices are fine but I think it would be a huge incompatibility with a young college athlete who clearly is not locking herself in her room to study. Also sounds like this is mainly a physical attraction on your part.  I think it's ok to tell her you enjoyed the game but I wouldn't focus on her as she might feel creeped out that you were this focused on her.

[SophiaG]

Acceptable to whom? To a neutral bystander this is probably quite cringe. To her? Might just be another admirer/stalker and she may block or ignore you, or she may politely respond and thank you, who knows. But very unlikely she will return your romantic interest. To yourself, you've obviously decided this is acceptable. Just do what you'd like and don't expect this will get anywhere further than a polite thanks.

[Andrina]

Besides this one activity you attended, what do you do, and how often, to get out into the world to meet women your age locally?

Most people do have preferences in a potential partner like the ones you've listed. I can't see that she'd be the only viable candidate for dating, meeting your specifications. 

Since you mention faith, do you attend any services? Join any study/discussion groups within your faith? 

I'd just take this as a sign you're ready to put in the effort to date, so in your shoes, I'd expand ways to get myself out and meeting singles in my age group at least twice a week. See if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area.

What a person in their early twenties wants could do a 360 by the time he/she is in their late twenties. The human brain isn't even fully formed in the decision making area until about age 25. I suggest looking for someone closer to your age. Both large gap relationships plus LDRs that start that way have a high risk of failure. You're already starting late in the dating scene. Best to go for a dating plan that's more realistic.

[CaliforniaMan_]

31 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I can't see that she'd be the only viable candidate for dating, meeting your specifications. 

Ironically, she is. For the sake of argument, let's say you took my word for it. I would then be curious what you think her perceived response would be to me reaching out to her in this (less-than-ideal) way, if I hypothetically had the things that she is looking for and if my age isn't obvious and isn't an issue to her.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaMan_ said:

Ironically, she is. For the sake of argument, let's say you took my word for it. I would then be curious what you think her perceived response would be to me reaching out to her in this (less-than-ideal) way, if I hypothetically had the things that she is looking for and if my age isn't obvious and isn't an issue to her.

On your end.  Not on her end by a long shot.  It's not just less than ideal. It's inappropriate to stalk her social media and let her know you noticed her -at her game.  Different if she too was a spectator sitting near you and you exchanged a look, a few words and then you looked her up because you had to leave without getting her name/details.  I don't think it's illegal or anything to contact one time but only if it is neutral and polite "hi just a fan who saw you play on ___.  great game and hope to attend more games in the future"

I did this.  Sort of.  I heard a woman interviewed on my public radio station.  Head of a nonprofit I am a huge fan of that has a local chapter -where she is.  I wanted to connect but we of course are strangers.  So I searched her on Linkedin and sent her a message to say I heard the interview, I've volunteered in the past for similar nonprofilts and while I am not doing much volunteering now I might want to in the future.  

So I had a reason for reaching out, it was normal of me to know her name -she was interviewed on the radio - and it was only Linkedin and not her personal social media.

She responded and we connected and messaged some.  But -had I also asked her to meet me in person that would have been overreaching to a stranger IMO. 

I know it wasn't a dating context I'm just giving an example of searching up someone's social media and what is appropriate with contacting. In your case one neutral polite contact is ok.  My best guess is she will do what I do routinely when I get messages from men I do not know or know of - I block.

[Andrina]

You didn't answer any of my questions. Obviously you aren't doing enough to meet a bigger pool of women who meet your criteria in your area. If I were her, I'd assume a guy who had all the traits the average woman seeks could find someone local, and it'd raise a red flag that he's contacting someone who lives several hours away. It'd also make me uncomfortable that a guy had been checking me out during an event, never spoke to me to find out about my personality and make a connection, and then sought me out like a spy.

It was your decision to delay finding romance in your life, so perhaps you aren't used to the norms of dating. But now that you're ready, stop holing up in your room and finding the computer screen to be safer than actually interacting with women in in-person events.

[CaliforniaMan_]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's inappropriate to stalk her social media and let her know you noticed her -at her game...only if it is neutral and polite "hi just a fan who saw you play on ___.  great game and hope to attend more games in the future"

These are two different answers. 

[bluecastle]

Thought experiment: You have a 21-year-old cousin, niece, sister, [fill in the blank], who is active in some kind of sport. After a game/match, you have a family gathering. During the gathering, she confides in you that a 30something-year-old man just DM'ed her on IG, saying he was a fan of her gameplay and wished her a good rest of the season. "Should I respond?" she asks you. 

To which you say what?

Or another: I tell you about an actress I saw on a billboard while stuck in traffic who was striking in a way I found intriguing. A quick scan of her IG tells me that she has also read one of my favorite books and shares my enjoyment of hiking. She is 15 years younger than me, yes, but I've done some math and realized that the number of years she's spent around adults on sets directly correlates to my own years as an adult, and, as such, I figure we are both "in the same place in life." "Should I DM her?" I ask you? 

To which you say what? 

What you're considering here—big picture—is of the teeniest, tiniest of consequences. Randoms DM randoms millions of times a day across the planet, often motivated by exactly what's motivating you: they've seen someone IRL they find attractive, have enlisted social media in the effort to construct an appealing personality around them, and want to see about realizing that fantasy in the most passive of possible ways. Is what it is. It's also a lot less heady when you resist making it anything more. 

So on that note, I say shoot her a message and see where it lands, rather than continue analyzing the whole thing. My sincere hope for you—minus the moonshot of a sincere connection that flourishes in spite of the significant gap in age and geography that you're now squinting to close—is that the experience inspires you to look for connections in a broader, more local, and less passive means. I understand that it's lovely to imagine "being in the same place in life" with a human you do not know—I have done this!—but it is much more thrilling, ultimately, to reach such conclusions after walks, talks, dinners, and so on. 

 

[CaliforniaMan_]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You didn't answer any of my questions. Obviously you aren't doing enough to meet a bigger pool of women who meet your criteria in your area. If I were her, I'd assume a guy who had all the traits the average woman seeks could find someone local, and it'd raise a red flag that he's contacting someone who lives several hours away. It'd also make me uncomfortable that a guy had been checking me out during an event, never spoke to me to find out about my personality and make a connection, and then sought me out like a spy.

It was your decision to delay finding romance in your life, so perhaps you aren't used to the norms of dating. But now that you're ready, stop holing up in your room and finding the computer screen to be safer than actually interacting with women in in-person events.

I admit that not speaking to her in-person was an unfortunate outcome, and I myself feel that I don't deserve to reach out via social media message now because of this. As I mentioned, I actually did seek out an opportunity to make a connection in-person, but her team walked a different direction of where I was standing after the game, and I thought it would be inappropriate to follow her/track her down. Either an encounter was going to happen naturally, or it was not going to happen, and unfortunately the latter ended up being the case.

I have met many hundreds of young women in-person in my area over the years (at my church, which is large and at which I have been quite involved over the years, and at the schools at which I have studied and through some of the clubs/organizations therein). None of them have the unique, combined set of attributes and background that this girl (appears) to have. My "studying in my room" comment was primarily meant to communicate that I have not been involved with anyone throughout the many years that I've been pursuing several degrees, even though I have been meeting a lot of people during this time and my "pool" was large enough.

[CaliforniaMan_]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Thought experiment: You have a 21-year-old cousin, niece, sister, [fill in the blank], who is active in some kind of sport. After a game/match, you have a family gathering. During the gathering, she confides in you that a 30something-year-old man just DM'ed her on IG, saying he was a fan of her gameplay and wished her a good rest of the season. "Should I respond?" she asks you. 

To which you say what?

 

In general, I would be very defensive and opposed to it. What I would argue, though, is that that if the hypothetical male family figure you are describing knew me personally, he may be open to the idea (similar to how other men whom I have known personally have recommended younger women to me whom they are closely connected with). Since I don't know her family, I admit that I do not have that privilege. This age gap is also bigger than the other hypothetical ones I just described.

For what it's worth, if she saw my page, she would see (I hope) someone with character who lives a very clean lifestyle and has noble pursuits. That (I hope) does not put me in the same category as the 30-something single men on IG who are up to no good. 

[yogacat]

Whatever you do don't just say "hi," a man recently messaged me for the first time just saying "hi" and I deleted it. 

I would mention that you wanted to introduce yourself and enjoyed watching the game, thought she played well. That is flattering and shows you were genuinely interested in getting to know her as a person. 

She might get a lot of messages and not reply, or, if you do something that helps you stand out as polite, genuine, interested in her that it's a good thing. 

[CaliforniaMan_]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Whatever you do don't just say "hi," a man recently messaged me for the first time just saying "hi" and I deleted it. 

I would mention that you wanted to introduce yourself and enjoyed watching the game, thought she played well. That is flattering and shows you were genuinely interested in getting to know her as a person. 

She might get a lot of messages and not reply, or, if you do something that helps you stand out as polite, genuine, interested in her that it's a good thing. 

Haha thanks for that reminder.

You are the first female voice here so far saying that it would be flattering. That is what I was hoping (that it would, in the least, be taken as an innocent/genuine compliment), but it sounds like others are saying it would be taken otherwise. 

[bluecastle]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaMan_ said:

For what it's worth, if she saw my page, she would see (I hope) someone with character who lives a very clean lifestyle and has noble pursuits. That (I hope) does not put me in the same category as the 30-something single men on IG who are up to no good. 

I get it. 

When I was on dating apps, some of which included a link to my social media, I had similar hopes—namely, that a woman would think I was interesting, decent, non-creepy, and so on. Alas, in the end—and this is the best part—those women were free to draw whatever conclusions they felt like drawing. 

Hence my advice: Shoot her the note, rather than theorize about a theoretical note. What will come from it will be...what will come. Low, low stakes here. You know you're not a creep, which is ultimately all that matters. 

Caveat here being: Any way you slice it, a dude in his mid-30s dropping into the DMs of a woman just out of her teens is going to a raise an eyebrow, so, big picture, if this goes nowhere I'd make it a one-off rather than a habit. Events, meetups, dating apps, and so on: these are realms where you will significantly improve your chances of realizing what you're hoping to realize here. 

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, CaliforniaMan_ said:

Haha thanks for that reminder.

You are the first female voice here so far saying that it would be flattering. That is what I was hoping (that it would, in the least, be taken as an innocent/genuine compliment), but it sounds like others are saying it would be taken otherwise. 

People want to shoot their shot, you do, so why not? 

Well, you did say that you felt she played a good game and that she has a lot of traits that you find desirable. You've mentioned she seems to have factors related to faith, personality, and physical attributes.

A majority of messages she gets from guys is likely to be guys hitting on her.

A message from a guy saying he shares common interests, was randomly at a game and wants to tell her she played well is not a pick up line. 

Clearly you are not saying anything close to "you are hot, I now want to get to know you."

Well, maybe that's what you're secretly thinking but you haven't come out and SAID that with your words. 🙂

But in all seriousness, as long as you are respectful and genuine, it should not be taken as a pick up line. It may not guarantee a response, but it at least shows that you are not just interested in her for her dashing 20-year-old looks.

[Cherylyn]

It's not a good idea to contact her.  There is too much of an age gap and she will wonder who this stranger is reaching out to her out of the blue?  She would feel this is weird. 

Best to be with women within your age bracket. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaMan_ said:

I have met many hundreds of young women in-person in my area over the years (at my church, which is large and at which I have been quite involved over the years, and at the schools at which I have studied and through some of the clubs/organizations therein). None of them have the unique, combined set of attributes and background that this girl (appears) to have. My "studying in my room" comment was primarily meant to communicate that I have not been involved with anyone throughout the many years that I've been pursuing several degrees, even though I have been meeting a lot of people during this time and my "pool" was large enough.

We all have must-haves when choosing a partner, but over a decade and meeting hundreds of women and finding none until supposedly now who meets your standards is concerning. It seems like perhaps you need to tweak what sounds like is too constricting and possibly unrealistic. You can't get everything from one person. Sometimes friends and relatives can fulfill some needs a partner can't fulfill.

[Batya33]

Any sense of flattery IMO will be outweighed by the rest of the weirdness especially if she tells her coach or an adult about the DM.  I would feel differently if you happened to see her on a dating app then it would be legit to reach out and mention you saw her play. 

I also wouldn't do it if it will exacerbate your personal view that you can't find anyone given all your requirements.

[SophiaG]

I (as many women I believe) receive many random male messages on social media, some just a simply friend request some more elaborate compliments about my page or something I do. Without exception I ignore (if not block) them and pretty much always assume they are either scam or creeps. Sorry OP but that's probably the mindset most young women have.

[yogacat]

Two of my female friends met their husband's online.

The men took their shot. 😅

So, I'm a bit more on the just do it camp. 

Next time introduce yourself in person though. 😉

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Two of my female friends met their husband's online.

The men took their shot. 😅

So, I'm a bit more on the just do it camp. 

Next time introduce yourself in person though. 😉

Sure but in this context -randomly messaging a woman much younger who he saw play at a game hours from his home? 

Sure he can just do it -again just contacting is perfectly legit but from all I read hear if she ignores he'll tell himself woe is me see no one I want wants me.  He doesn't need more of that. 

[BeatPoet]

I have a question. You want to date her because you see in her your dream woman, but why do you think you are her dream man? 

And if you don't think you're her dream man, why would you contact her? 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't question your messaging her if you had a personal meeting at the game and she flirted with you, but unless she's a babygirl looking for a Daddy, why would she be interested in a much older man at this stage in her life? 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaMan_ said:

Even if she does not respond, I would not necessarily regret giving her the genuine compliment. 

That's a great attitude!  

The way I see this is you have absolutely nothing to lose.  You're realistic enough to know she may not respond or she may but nothing comes of it. 

You'll be fine either way. 

So what's the issue? 

I have known couples who have met this way; it's one reason why SM exists, to connect with people we might not have the opportunity to meet and possibly connect with IRL.

Re the age difference, imo it's a big nothingburger.  14 years, big whoop.  You're both adults for goodness sake. 

If you were 50, I might think differently but 35 and 21?  Again big nothingburger. 

When I was 22, I had a relationship with a 31 year old man and no one batted an eye.

And this was in a very conservative area in New York just outside NYC!  

This sitch is not that much different.

Life is too damn short to not even try imo.

Good luck! 

 

[CaliforniaMan_]

56 minutes ago, BeatPoet said:

I have a question. You want to date her because you see in her your dream woman, but why do you think you are her dream man? 

And if you don't think you're her dream man, why would you contact her? 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't question your messaging her if you had a personal meeting at the game and she flirted with you, but unless she's a babygirl looking for a Daddy, why would she be interested in a much older man at this stage in her life? 

This is the central question. I believe that I may be her dream man, whether rightfully or delusionally. Without stating explicitly what my future career will be, I am under the impression it is one that both she and her family value highly (based on our similar backgrounds). In my mind, I am just as rare to her as she is to me. Also, as I mentioned in my original post, some/many people say I look much younger than I am (most guess I am around 24-28). She isn't going to think she is getting messaged by a 35 year old guy. She is going to think she is getting messaged by maybe a 27 year old one. It is not that I am giving her a false impression. It is just that my age would not be disclosed until she hypothetically asks or the subject comes up (assuming that she even responds, obviously).

[The Shark101]

Too much mind gymnastics on your part. 

Stop worrying so much how she'll perceived you. ( Or anyone) , stop disqualified yourself , Just do what you want. In the worse case scenario she'll block you, so what?

Millions of people asking themselves every day "what if " for things they wanted to do or say but didn't dare doing. .

The worse feeling a person cary with himself is "Regret" for things he wanted to do but didn't dare doing. Don't join these crowd.

 Follow what Yogacat said. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.