Finished for good

[Rainman]

I met my now ex-girlfriend over 6 years ago. We were work colleagues. We instantly hit it off and became great friends. We spent a lot of time together as friends. We’d go out for meals, take long walks and just hang out a heck of a lot. I started to grow feelings for her. She was perfect in every way. We shared so many things in common and I had this strong feeling that she would be a really important person in my life. Around a year later I told her I had fallen for her. It took her a while to work things out, but she didn’t run a mile. We continued doing what we had always done and we grew closer until we became an official couple. No, it wasn’t love at first sight, but we grew to fall in love with each other. Our relationship was brilliant and we both felt so attached and in love. After around 2 years together things started to change. For me, that change was natural. The intensity of those feelings when we first got together started to diminish and the routine of life meant we started to settle. Things became comfortable. We still went out, had lovely holidays and nights in together. We didn’t live together. She had mentioned to me before she felt we were drifting. It’s not that I didn’t take her seriously but I honestly didn’t really know what to do with that information. For both of us this was our first serious relationship. We never discussed things properly and the discussion we had about her concerns were always at a surface level. I admit that I didn’t communicate very well in the relationship either and I’ve learnt how honest you have to be to make something work. However, we just plodded on. We never addressed the problems. She (like me) is also incredibly shy. We both aren’t great communicators at that sort of thing. In the last 6 months or so I definitely felt a distance between us which I realise now was probably her rethinking her options.

When she broke things off with me she said she wanted to stay friends with me because she can’t bear the thought of not having me in my life. She said I meant so much to her.  She said she didn’t think she loved me in that way anymore and that we had drifted so much that we had become friends. She said the spark had gone. I wanted to try again because I felt we just hadn’t communicated well enough to each other and that was something we could fix. I felt the missing spark was also something we could work on and fix as we had it once before. I also didn’t want to give up on a 4 year relationship.

After 10 days or so she reached out to say she doesn’t want to try again and that it’s not what she wants. I told her I disagreed and that I thought we were making a mistake but I realised I can’t change her mind and I can’t bring her on a journey with me if she doesn’t want to come. I said we can’t be friends because it won’t help either of us move on. I said I wouldn’t be able to have anything to do with her and she acknowledged and accepted this. We said our goodbyes.

I feel so much pain and hurt.  I’m only 4 weeks in but I still genuinely feel she’s my perfect match. You can make arguments that if we wanted to make it work we would have but I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that. It’s about who we are as people. We’re both nervous and shy people, we don’t like confrontation and we’re always pretty happy to just go with the flow. She said if we don’t have that spark and passion as the basis of our relationship then we don’t have a relationship. Again, my argument is that was not the case when we first got together and we grew to fall in love with each other and we did have that spark.

What we both agree on though is that we have a deep, meaningful and emotional bond with each other. A rare and special connection. Something that I think is a gift. It might be the age gap between us (I’m 6 years older) but I don’t entirely agree with this notion of a ‘spark’. For sure, I felt it in those early days, but the intensity faded, but my feelings for her didn’t. I know I made mistakes in the relationship. I was too passive and I let things plod on, but a huge part of me can’t help but feel she is the one that is getting away. We have something worth fighting for. Love comes in many forms and I feel she's after something unrealistic. 

I’m trying as best I can to move on, because I have to. I heard what she said loud and clear. I just wonder if she will ever reach out to me again and I wonder if in the months to come she will realise what she’s lost. We had a good relationship. There was nothing toxic and I can only hope that weeks and months apart will make her rethink. Our breakup was quite final and I’m not naïve enough to think there’s still hope. I have no intention of contacting her again as I know I have to live for myself now, but those thoughts in my head just do not go away.

Honest thoughts?

[SophiaG]

I'm sorry rainman. I can imagine how it hurts. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude toward it all. Whether she's the one that got away or not, she's already gone. You need to respect her choice and move on.

I too don't agree with this notion of a "spark" but it could mean different things to different people. Relationships change. A deep emotional bond is rare and precious for sure and I'd probably choose that any day over some "spark" with a new person. But I'm afraid she didn't feel exactly the same way you did.

Take lessons from this and try to communicate better in a future relationship. Listen to your partner and find ways to make the "spark" fresh and living. She may or may not regret but you should not get back together, at least immediately, IMO. The pain would not have healed and will resurface soon after the euphoria of reconciliation wears off and ruin everything. BTDT.