How do I stop making a big deal about my girlfriend's texting patterns?

[ssboii360]

In advance, sorry for my grammar since English isn't my first language but French is. So I'm aware that I might be the problem in this situation and it's probably not a big deal but I've been betrayed so many times by women in the past that when someone has a weird texting pattern it triggers me.

I used to work for an aviation company while my GF works at whole foods. We're about 3 to 4 hours away from each other but I'm not sure if that would be considered long distance. So for some reason, when I used to work in the aviation job, the moment we would both clock in at the same time and then it's like she just suddenly stops texting me her whole shift. Which always confused me because how is it possible that someone can spend their entire 8 hours shifts without texting me especially during their lunch and break. I worked in a aviation so I should have been the one who couldn't text. We almost had similar schedules, so we started texting from 4 am to 6 am while we're getting ready and then the moment we both clock in I would be lucky to even hear from her. We live in a generation where people are addicted to their phones and she doesn't necessarily have friends except at work. She told me she's friendly at work with both genders but idk to what extent because my ex was very friendly to the point where coworkers could tickle her. We communicated for 3 months before I went up to see her for the first time and the same weekend I met her and her family was when my job laid off a bunch of people.

A month ago, after the company laid me off for no good reason, I've been home in the morning most of the time applying. For some reason, she's been replying to me a lot easier through her morning shift with no problem which I should be happy about but It enraged me. Because it made me realize that I was right the whole time about feeling weird that she couldn't text me for a whole 8 hours shift. We've talked about it many times and shed tell me that during her lunch her friend couldn't stop talking or she'd be very busy but then now she replies at random time of the morning so I know damn well that she's not on a break. Especially if I choose not to text her before she clocks in at 6am and decides to text at random time in the morning, sometimes 9am, sometimes 10,am and she would be replying in 1 mins. Now I'm mad because I don't understand why she couldn't do that before Instead of leaving me wondering that she could spend from 6am to 2pm without saying squat.

I'm probably unreasonable but my trust issues are kicking in and all I can imagine is her being friendly with guys at work because that's why my ex's used to do. I mean I find it hard to believe that a phone addict could spend 8 hours without look at their phone and then when I finally meet her and have sex is when she replies fast during her job. I have a hard time trusting women and even harder time when I know that she's friendly with coworkers. How do I stop this resentment in my heart? Because I used to be in pain when she wouldn't text me before and then all of sudden she texts me fast at work even when she's not on break. Now I try not to text her while she's at work but now she's the one who be wondering why I'm not texting her for hours in the morning when she used to do that.

[SophiaG]

8 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

We live in a generation where people are addicted to their phones

Some people are addicted to their phone but it shouldn't be a given for anybody. Does she work at deli or meat department etc. that would require dealing with food? If so she might not be able to touch her phone during shift which would not be sanitary. Why do you have to text during work anyway?

11 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

For some reason, she's been replying to me a lot easier through her morning shift with no problem which I should be happy about but It enraged me.

This is uncalled for. Her task at work could have changed, or maybe she was trying to show more care and support during your job search.

12 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

I'm probably unreasonable but my trust issues are kicking in and all I can imagine is her being friendly with guys at work because that's why my ex's used to do.

Don't punish your gf for what your ex did. Work on your trust issues with therapy, meditation, reading, etc. Cheaters will cheat. It's not something you can control. If anything your insecurity will show through and push her away. Why can't she be friendly with guys at work? Would you be unfriendly toward female coworkers when you were working? As long as they are not flirting, you should be happy she has friends at work, male or female. Also why do you think she can't text you all day WHILE being friendly with guys?

16 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

then when I finally meet her and have sex is when she replies fast during her job.

What does this mean? You never met or had sex when you said she wasn't texting?

17 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

I have a hard time trusting women

This is your problem to deal with and you should deal with it before it ruins your relationship.

[ssboii360]

33 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Why do you have to text during work anyway?

So you're saying I shouldnt text her while we're at work? Well, she's not going to like that. At the moment, I'm not replying to her while she's at work and she doesn't seem to like it. She literally just replied to me while I'm typing this asking me if I'm asleep. She makes it a big deal all of sudden but before when I had a job she would ignore me for 8 hours? I don't understand this.

[ssboii360]

41 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

 

 

 

41 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What does this mean? You never met or had sex when you said she wasn't texting?

Well I meant we never met each other for the first 3 months. During those 3 months, she would take hours to reply. Then once we finally meet in person is when those patterns change and that's why I have resentment because all of sudden the expectation changed when I used to complain about the same thing. Doesn't make sense to me that's all. Like what happened during those first 3 months that she would reply whenever she felt like it but now I finally got what I want but I can't stop thinking about the last 3 months.

[SophiaG]

9 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

So you're saying I shouldnt text her while we're at work? Well, she's not going to like that. At the moment, I'm not replying to her while she's at work and she doesn't seem to like it. She literally just replied to me while I'm typing this asking me if I'm asleep. She makes it a big deal all of sudden but before when I had a job she would ignore me for 8 hours? I don't understand this.

I'm saying you can text her if you want but you shouldn't expect her to reply to you promptly all the time while she's working. She wonders why you don't respond because now you are not working. Have you asked her if she didn't reply previously because she didn't want to disturb you at work (was your aviation job dangerous in any way?)? If you see her messages, reply if you can. Don't play mind games like competing who can hold on longer before replying.

[ssboii360]

42 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Would you be unfriendly toward female coworkers when you were working?

Yes, I would. Unless it's to ask about something work related but I couldn't care less about making conversation with people at work in general. Naturally the moment I did was when coworkers wanted to date me so I know better that it's very easy for women to be interested in me the moment I open my mouth.

[SophiaG]

3 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

Well I meant we never met each other for the first 3 months. During those 3 months, she would take hours to reply.

OK, that actually makes a huge difference because if you haven't met in person she didn't even know if you were real. Why should she be overly invested in someone she'd never met? Once you met and became intimate now she's more engaged and open to more communication. Makes perfect sense to me.

[SophiaG]

2 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

Yes, I would. Unless it's to ask about something work related but I couldn't care less about making conversation with people at work in general. Naturally the moment I did was when coworkers wanted to date me so I know better that it's very easy for women to be interested in me the moment I open my mouth.

So you have different preferences when it comes to opposite sex friendships. Are you ok with your partner having platonic male friends? If not, you should make that a requirement when you date and look for women who have the same boundaries. I'm afraid many women will be turned off by this requirement.

[ssboii360]

2 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Have you asked her if she didn't reply previously because she didn't want to disturb you at work (was your aviation job dangerous in any way?)? If you see her messages, reply if you can. Don't play mind games like competing who can hold on longer before replying.

Well, I don't really want to have that conversation with her anymore because we've talked about it so many times that I'm not trying to make a big deal about it anymore which is why I came in this website to ask questions. So I wouldn't want to ask that question even though it's a good question but I'm satisfied with her saying that she was just busy. I don't see it as mind games because I need her to feel what I felt so she doesn't do it anymore without me having to complain. The moment I get this new job she's probably going to start doing the same thing again so I already know in advance that in order for me not to feel a painful amount of anxiety, I'm going to have to not text her while I'm at my new job next week. It's usually my anxiety causing of all that because I don't fully understand her patterns.

[ssboii360]

4 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Are you ok with your partner having platonic male friends?

No, I'm not comfortable but it's okay if women are turned off by it. I have to do what makes me comfortable. I'm very introverted almost like a recluse so I'm not really hurt when a relationship doesn't work out because of my exs male friends. I personally don't think it's possible for men and women to be friends unless they're both pretending. It seems almost impossible to me that a guy can hang out with a girl and not have sexual thoughts even if they don't act on it. Because to me, it seems like an illusion while people call it boundaries or friend zone. 

[ssboii360]

12 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Why should she be overly invested in someone she'd never met?

Well I think the reason why most women trust me is because I act the same way from the beginning to the end and never have I suddenly changed my actions because I finally met them or made something official. That's why my ex's still talks my social media because it's almost impossible for them to meet someone like me who is so transparent from the start that I'm like water lol It would be like how some people act different once they get married vs relationship. To me it doesn't make any sense because I want the person to act the same way no matter what. I don't overthink my actions but it seems like women do depending on wether it's official or not. That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm trying to understand this. 

[SophiaG]

You are trying to understand your gf which is an individual woman and she doesn't have to act like how "most women" act (if there's such a thing). I suggest you talk to her and first clarify that you don't want her to be friendly with any man. If she disagree with that then you two are incompatible. You can talk about texting frequency, etc. once you at least confirmed she's ok with your no guy friend boundary.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

So you're saying I shouldnt text her while we're at work? Well, she's not going to like that. At the moment, I'm not replying to her while she's at work and she doesn't seem to like it. She literally just replied to me while I'm typing this asking me if I'm asleep. She makes it a big deal all of sudden but before when I had a job she would ignore me for 8 hours? I don't understand this.

It's good to have time apart and come back together when there is focused time to talk by phone or in person and catch up on your day.  I think the texting you do is way too much and you're mistaking constant being in touch with closeness or building a bond when often it sabotages that or makes it quite boring/mundane especially with little chance to miss each other and sharing what you had for lunch or a snack or who said what at work.

[MissCanuck]

You're leading with anger, insecurity, and anxiety. 

That is going to kill the relationship much more quickly than her texting habits. Until you deal with the issues that pre-existed within you, this isn't going to end well. 

[LotusBlack]

Texting during lunch or a break is fine, but while actually working - that is, in my opinion, unprofessional. You’re being paid to work, not socialise. It might seem like a quick minute, but you times that by 15-20 times a day and you are spending a lot of your employer’s time not doing what you’re there for. 

As @Batya33 mentioned, it’s healthy to have a good degree of separation each day so that you’re not subconsciously overwhelming each other with your ongoing presence; learn to miss each other, as it allows you to have experiences you can tell each other about later. Quality of contact is far more important than quantity of contact. 

Also, avoid blanket categorisation of women and people in general. Don’t measure people you currently know by the people you used to know. No one is the same and not everyone behaves consistently with themselves; sometimes I do something much more one day than I do another day. It doesn’t mean I’m being misleading, it just means my priorities each day shift and change depending on the circumstances - they can be fluid. So, try not to look for things that aren’t there. Communication is key.