Boyfriend annoys me when we live together!!

[Hollsmaur]

Not sure if what I’m feeling is completely normal or not but here goes. Been with my boyfriend a year and half and recently we’ve been house sitting both of our relatives houses when they go away and stuff, so we’re living together in intervals without actually having our own place, good practice right? (We can’t afford our own place yet, and I’m skeptical of moving into a place with him because of reasons I’ll explain in this post)

so to cut to the chase, he’s been lazy and just seems like he doesn’t use his brain and it annoys me!! We house sit his brothers house for 2 weeks last month and one day I decided to give the house a deep clean, and he didn’t offer to help, just sat on the sofa all afternoon, using pots and glasses when eating and leaving them on the table next to the sofa whilst I’d just cleaned up around him, and when I asked what he was doing for the day, he said ‘I’m having a chill day today’ and I know it was my choice to deep clean the house, but if the shoe was on the other foot I would have offered to help, so I guess I just expect it. 

At the same house, A few days before the above situation, he blocked the upstairs toilet.. but we didn’t have a plunger. I was busy doing the laundry, cleaning and getting ready for work and I thought he had somehow used initiative and unblocked it because he didn’t mention it again. Turns out, he tried to unblock the toilet with the toilet brush (yes, the bristles were covered in mushed up toilet paper) and obviously that just caused a mess and did not release the blockage.. but he just left it.. for 2 days!!! I didn’t use the upstairs toilet due to the fact it blocks easily so I didn’t think of using it again after that. Anyways we had an argument over the lack of help, the leaving the toilet blocked and he promised me he would pull his socks up. The remaining days of the stay he was offering to help clean and putting loads of laundry on for me, so I was happy with that.

Fast forward to now, where we are house sitting for my uncle. We have been here for 4 days out of 11 and he’s not offered to do any laundry, he’s not cleaned (apart from washing up the dishes) and he seems to leave rubbish lying around (example of empty toilet roll tubes left on the side in the bathroom and not in the bin next to the toilet-that sort of thing). I’m getting to the end of my tether with it all.. I shouldn’t have to tell him, especially when he knows how I feel about it.. I keep biting my tongue but not sure how long I can keep it up for before I explode out of frustration. He finished work at 10pm last night.. the laundry was done for him, I had cooked a meal all night ready for him when he walked through the door and also did our grocery shop whilst he was at work, and once finished he didn’t wash the dishes up, just put them in the bowl and left them.. so I went to wash up and he didn’t offer to help, he just sat there watching tv. This morning, I asked if he could help water the hanging baskets (they are too high up for me) and he did do it, but there’s one in the front porch of the house and I asked if he could do that one, and he said he couldn’t because he doesn’t have a T-shirt (he was topless at the time and didn’t want the neighbours to see him like that) he did in fact have a shirt, he just didn’t wanna do it.. so I said “you know what, I’ll do it!!!” And off I went to water it, and did he come out eventually to do it? No he didn’t. He just stood in the  back garden staring into space like he was malfunctioning. 

He just doesn’t use initiative. When I complain about him not cooking or doing laundry, it’s always “I don’t know how to use the washing machine/cooker, I need you to show me” like can’t you figure it out for yourself like I do?! But even if I was to show him, he would forget how to do it. He doesn’t drive so I’m basically his personal taxi driver.. he keeps saying he’s going to learn to drive but nothing ever materialises. 

Btw, I’m 26 yrs old and he is 31. He still lives with his mum and his mum does his laundry, cooks and even changes his bed laundry for him. I thought she was just mothering him but now I realise that I’m probably going to end up mothering him when I want a shared effort. Shall I call it quits or is this how couples actually live together? I’ve never lived with anyone before! Opinions please.

[smackie9]

Well there you have it....someone you shouldn't be in a relationship with. he's a man child...run forest run!! find yourself a real man.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

I’d just cleaned up around him, and when I asked what he was doing for the day, he said ‘I’m having a chill day today’

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

he tried to unblock the toilet with the toilet brush (yes, the bristles were covered in mushed up toilet paper) and obviously that just caused a mess and did not release the blockage.. but he just left it.. for 2 days!!!

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

he’s not offered to do any laundry, he’s not cleaned (apart from washing up the dishes) and he seems to leave rubbish lying around (example of empty toilet roll tubes left on the side in the bathroom and not in the bin next to the toilet-that sort of thing).

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

He just stood in the  back garden staring into space like he was malfunctioning.

Be thankful that he's giving you a preview of your future life together. Don't move in with him until he learns how to live on his own.

I was going to ask how old he is but then I see this:

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

I’m 26 yrs old and he is 31. He still lives with his mum and his mum does his laundry, cooks and even changes his bed laundry for him.

Run! He's too much work and at this rate probably will never grow up 🤢

2 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

is this how couples actually live together?

Please don't gaslight yourself into believing this. There are plenty of men who can clean, cook, and take care of themselves (and you).

[Cherylyn]

He's a slob and a helpless mama's boy.  😠  He's still a boy in a man's body and never grew up yet. 

Be glad he's not your husband.  Now that you know what it's like to live with him,  you can envision a future with or without him.  It's your choice.  😒

[Batya33]

I never lived with anyone before marriage except about a month or so with my husband when we were engaged the first time around. When we married and moved in together -first into my place -we had our son a few months later.  I was a SAHM for 7.5 years so our arrangement was: I did the full time child care of course, and I did the vast majority of the house cleaning and cooking.  He wanted to have a weekly cleaning service but you declutter for a maid plus my infant had a nap schedule and cleaners are noisy so I did twice a month. He would help declutter for the cleaning service.  He did any of the handy stuff that our maintenance people in the building did not do or could not do for awhile.  I never expected him to do half because I wasn't working outside the home.  He co parented as much as humanly possible -when he was home he did all the parenting stuff- played with him, changed diapers, made and gave bottles, rocked him to sleep, helped when baby was up at night if he was home and didn't have an early meeting for work.  

He also said I could hire sitters if needed even though I was at home -my husband had to travel a lot.  I had no family around. I opted for no sitters because I didn't know good sitters in my new city.  I did have a part time mother's helper the summers my son turned 4 and 5 -my niece.  

I think it varies by couple. If both work and no kids and no $ for a cleaning service or no desire then yes if possible you do 50/50 but I am a fan of compromise -like for example I don't mind taking out the garbage -he does -but he will then follow behind and reline all the garbage cans.  He offers to do stuff and when I want it done a certain way or at a certain time I will decline.  He changes the lightbulbs, plunges toilets etc -all things I'm not as good at -I'm too short for one thing to reach certain light bulbs! And he is good at that stuff plus a lot of other handy stuff.  So I don't think it's about exact 50/50 but what feels fair.

My husband brings in most of the dishes after meals.  He will get  seconds for our son if he wants and we don't want our son in  the small kitchen while I am there -so yes he offers and yes I still do most -because i work part time and he works more than full time.  Again -it's about fairness and not at all one size fits all IMO>

[Andrina]

If you consistently feel frustrated/upset over a major thing like sharing chores, and communication hasn't improved the situation, then it's best to not hope for improvement in the future. What you see is what you get. Accept you'll always be the one doing most of the housework or leave to find someone who meets ALL of your main needs.

[shouldhavelearned]

Find someone else

[Tinydance]

Well I agree, he seems very lazy and you could actually say defensive/defiant when it comes to doing chores. However I always like to try to see all sides and points of a situation. I think in this situation, it's not 100% clear what the expectations from your family members were in regards how to house sit the house. I gathered you weren't being paid because you are family, right? You were house sitting just to help out and have a place to yourselves?

Seeing as it's your boyfriend's brother, maybe your boyfriend didn't feel the need to deep clean the house. Because you weren't being paid, you weren't hired on a house sitting website and things like that. You sound like someone that actually enjoys doing chores and likes to be very clean. I think if you wanted to do deep cleaning that's very nice of you. But it was YOUR idea. I'm talking about just that particular instance.

For example, if my friends house sat my place, I don't except them to clean much really as they're doing me a huge favour. I just need them to feed my cat and dog and take out the garbage and do their dishes. But I don't need them to mow the lawn, vacuum and mop, etc. They're not my cleaners. But again I'm not sure what your arrangements were.

I agree, your boyfriend should have been helping. And he shouldn't have been so passive that he didn't even TRY to use various appliances and already said he doesn't know how to. The thing is though that some people like doing things in different ways. E.g. We don't have a dishwasher. So we wait until we fill up the full sink of dishes to wash them all together. Because you have to use the water to fill up the whole sink. So we don't want to use all that water for just a couple of dishes. This is what we do in our house. But some people wash like one cup and plate immediately the second they used them and put on the drying rack. I've also seen people have like a little tray in the toilet where they put the empty toilet rolls. And once it was full they take them out. 

I'm not defending your boyfriend if he just doesn't want to do anything at all. But there are some things that are certain habits and how people were raised. E.g. Some people will iron all their clothes and even underwear. But we don't iron any clothes unless they're visibly creased and look bad. 

I think maybe unfortunately you and your boyfriend will clash if you actually lived together. You sound like you're very neat and go the extra mile with cleaning. But your boyfriend hates cleaning and wants to do very minimal. There are some people who will tolerate this and just take on more and do things they want done. E.g. My Dad did nothing around the house all his life. He just worked full-time and my mother cooked, cleaned, did grocery shopping, bookkeeping, paid bills, etc. But my parents were from a different generation where I think they were actually raised to take on these roles. So that's not saying that you need to do the same. You absolutely don't.

 

[Tinydance]

Also I've actually had a look at your previous posts over the last year and a bit. All the posts were negative about your boyfriend. The first post was he lied about being raped, second was his friends make you feel uncomfortable. And third you started to feel like you weren't even into him and didn't want to have sex with him. Now the cleaning issue. If you've only been together 1.5 years, isn't that some pretty major issues?