Found out boyfriend was seeing someone at his company & she still works there.

[Pippa2675]

(sorry long post) - I met my current partner online end of July, it was instant love at first sight and attraction which was amazing, we both felt this straight away. He had been married before, divorced in 2020 and he just mentioned he dated since then on and off and likewise I was with 2 people from 2019 until now. He was married over 15 years and another relationship prior for many years too, he admitted he likes commitment and likes being in a relationship. 

On our first date, literally that night in late July of this year he received a phone call, he kind of laughed it off saying it was the lady that he looks after her dog and she is probably calling about that, I thought hmmm really this late at night?

Now this so called lady is 20 years younger than him, he is 53, he was looking after her dog for her whenever she goes away and there was a picture of her dog in his hallway I noticed which I thought, ok interesting. He said he didnt want work finding out about us at one point but then eventually people know and we become an item. 

On a Saturday evening, he was still looking after this girl's dog, as she is single, and she liked to go away at weekends and had nobody to look after her dog so he took that on even though she has friends/mum etc. Apparently she has a boyfriend now. I still had a strange feeling about her as things were odd about picking up the dog, taking it home etc and he mentioned she had many mental health problems and by the sounds of it he felt sorry for her and she loved how he looked after her.

Moving along a few months later, we are booking air bnb places for this month and noticed he stayed as a couple somewhere in 2022 and in 2023, which I never questioned and actually completely forgot about too. It turns out, he was with someone in that time but he never mentioned it, which I thought was indeed odd. 

Then he said last night, would you like to see my old army photos, to which I was like yes. He comes over with his photo album and I notice there in the 1st page is a young girl sitting next to him and I say is this someone you dated, he literally went mental, like strangely so, as in highly reactive. I said ok this is very odd can you tell me why you are acting this way this isnt the man I know so far? He said well she is 20 years younger, I said ok thats fine and who is she, he said its Anna the lady I look after her dog, the young girl I told you about at my work. I actually didnt know what to say, she called on that night of our 1st date asking him to talk to her, and if there was a chance to talk. I knew something was up. He said they split in May this year 2 months before us, and he tells me he dated a year or two. I find out now she started his company in late 2020, started seeing her early 2021 until May 2024. Thats a long time as far as I can see. He said he did love her. He said he never told anyone at work as it was his business and didnt want this getting out or he got the sack and what others would think of him plus she is 20 years younger. She pursued him apparently and he fell for it as she was crying about something, he hugged her??? *** and that was it, she felt protected and wanted him etc. 

He said he didnt want to tell me for fear of me dumping him early on, I would have liked him to just tell me he saw her and that would have been it, but I had to find out on my own, he then said he told people at work,  but before he said he didnt. 

Now apparently she is now seeing someone, he has told her he isnt taking the dog on anymore but I knew something wasnt right when we dated and she was hovering with messages. She still is at his work as we speak and he tells me she is looking for another job, really I think? I have met her when she picked up her dog, she is very pretty strangely I did feel awkward this was before I found out. 

He is calling me 24/7, begging me to just still be with him as he knows this was wrong how he delivered it and was hoping it would just disappear eventually and never spoken about, things never just not come out or disappear?

So we are meant to be going away this weekend, as treat on me, I have said no I cant and want to be left alone, Im not sure if I am angry/upset or just downright annoyed he wanted to keep this a secret, more than likely because she still works for him. Yes he is her boss! 

I am feeling very confused as I felt I put my heart and soul into this man and its like I am not too sure if he is known for secrets that I will never forget or it comes up again in the future for fear of losing me as he puts it?

Any advice, he is now saying she is pregnant, moving in with this new man she has met, I said hold on, she was messaging you in July/August and you are now telling me she has met someone, pregnant and moving in with him yet last month she was single? 

Thank you for reading such a long message, its greatly appreciated - Should I still go away this weekend and take this man or have him at arms length as I am just sitting here thinking how on earth did all this come out the way it did when I thought I knew him?

x 

[Batya33]

I would have an issue with the lies/omission/deceit as to who this woman was.  When I reconnected with my ex fiancee almost 8 years later and we got back together he'd ended a relationship with a woman he worked with a couple months earlier.  Which he told me about right away and explained they'd promised they'd be civil at work etc (they were both away/traveling for the summer and as it turned out they weren't back in their office together until months later. She wanted him back. She emailed him shortly after we got back together (she ended it).  He said no and he told her about me. I didn't know her -we have and had mutual acquaintances and later -small world -a mutual friend.  

They ended up working in the same office for close to a year. I had zero issues with it. First because he and I were exclusive, in love, hoping for marriage this time.  Second I completely trusted him and still do.  Did I perhaps send a lovely gift basket to his office that um maybe she saw shortly after they both were back in the office? Maybe! (We were long distance at that point so I never met her in person).  They even met for dinner after we were married because professionally it was good for his career and they were still connected professionally.  Again -we trust each other and I was fine with it (and by then she was serious with someone, even better).

I am friends with exes.  He is friends with exes.  We love and trust each other and we are open as needed about who these people are, their connection to us, etc.  But with trust we have no need to overshare/to monitor what the other is doing to peer closely at photos.  Without trust -what's the point? I think this guy was deceitful about this woman and should have told you especially since he was still watching her dog etc. I can relate and understand your concerns!

[BeatPoet]

A lot of things don't sound right, but I wonder why he lied about the depth of his involvement with this younger woman. And it seems that he still pines after her. Why else does he take care of her dog while she's out dating other men? 

You need to be able to trust and respect him. His deceptive behaviour undermines that. Are you still sure you want to go forward with him?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Pippa2675 said:

say is this someone you dated, he literally went mental, like strangely so, as in highly reactive.

Can you explain what happened? What did he do, exactly? 

1 hour ago, Pippa2675 said:

I put my heart and soul into this man

With respect, you're over-invested. I would say that even without all the weirdness about his ex. You haven't even been dating two months, correct? Don't put your everything into something so new. It's fine to invest bit by bit, but I sense that you are doing way too much for someone who is a very new boyfriend. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but as one our poster used to said, it has been only 8 weeks since you are together. Things should go smooth in that time as ita a start and you both should be extatic about each other.

But, he is still hung up on somebody 20 year younger, and coworker. Still in contact with her and even watches out on her dog(which I would maybe get it if it was mutual dog, some couples treat them like kids even after they broke up, but this is just her dog). If she decides to take him back, you would probably be out of the picture faster than you could say “cheese”. Those are all monumental red flags. So no, please dont reconcile. Again, its been almost 2 months, its better that you discovered those things early so you wouldnt invest yourself further. There is simply no need to continue all this at all.

[Pippa2675]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would have an issue with the lies/omission/deceit as to who this woman was.  When I reconnected with my ex fiancee almost 8 years later and we got back together he'd ended a relationship with a woman he worked with a couple months earlier.  Which he told me about right away and explained they'd promised they'd be civil at work etc (they were both away/traveling for the summer and as it turned out they weren't back in their office together until months later. She wanted him back. She emailed him shortly after we got back together (she ended it).  He said no and he told her about me. I didn't know her -we have and had mutual acquaintances and later -small world -a mutual friend.  

They ended up working in the same office for close to a year. I had zero issues with it. First because he and I were exclusive, in love, hoping for marriage this time.  Second I completely trusted him and still do.  Did I perhaps send a lovely gift basket to his office that um maybe she saw shortly after they both were back in the office? Maybe! (We were long distance at that point so I never met her in person).  They even met for dinner after we were married because professionally it was good for his career and they were still connected professionally.  Again -we trust each other and I was fine with it (and by then she was serious with someone, even better).

I am friends with exes.  He is friends with exes.  We love and trust each other and we are open as needed about who these people are, their connection to us, etc.  But with trust we have no need to overshare/to monitor what the other is doing to peer closely at photos.  Without trust -what's the point? I think this guy was deceitful about this woman and should have told you especially since he was still watching her dog etc. I can relate and understand your concerns!

Thank you, I guess because he was upfront with you from the start that trust was there, whereas this man has not been with me, hence I dont feel the same anymore for him. You are right with trust from the start there is nothing. Its nice she moved on, it helped you both. Thank you appreciate your comment.

[Pippa2675]

32 minutes ago, BeatPoet said:

A lot of things don't sound right, but I wonder why he lied about the depth of his involvement with this younger woman. And it seems that he still pines after her. Why else does he take care of her dog while she's out dating other men? 

You need to be able to trust and respect him. His deceptive behaviour undermines that. Are you still sure you want to go forward with him?

I am thinking because she still works for him, and he still looks after her dog he cant say no to, what annoys me is he cant say no to her. I dont trust him or respect him, I am not 100% sure hence I have asked not to see him this weekend or go away with him. Its like I have gone from feeling one emotion to another in one night.

[Pippa2675]

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you explain what happened? What did he do, exactly? 

With respect, you're over-invested. I would say that even without all the weirdness about his ex. You haven't even been dating two months, correct? Don't put your everything into something so new. It's fine to invest bit by bit, but I sense that you are doing way too much for someone who is a very new boyfriend. 

Of course, so he literally was about to cry and got up off the bed and kept saying no I cant tell you, its not important, and just said nothing.... then went very reactive with me saying No I cant tell you, you will not like it. and walking off, like he was completely scared of what I might do. To which he said if I told you earlier on, you would have dumped me. Then when he told me Anna, at work, i have met her and dated her for 3 years and loved her and she is still at his work, walks her dog for me all this was just too much. 

I believed in him I guess as apart from this, he treated me so so well, been away in that short space of time, met his family, mine, friends, my other friend met her partner 2 months in met everyone too and we all felt the same so so happy! Best times....I wouldnt say I was doing too much its more we were both doing the same and an equal until now. I wont be investing anything now, which is making me feel so embarassed and sad at the same time. 

[Pippa2675]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but as one our poster used to said, it has been only 8 weeks since you are together. Things should go smooth in that time as ita a start and you both should be extatic about each other.

But, he is still hung up on somebody 20 year younger, and coworker. Still in contact with her and even watches out on her dog(which I would maybe get it if it was mutual dog, some couples treat them like kids even after they broke up, but this is just her dog). If she decides to take him back, you would probably be out of the picture faster than you could say “cheese”. Those are all monumental red flags. So no, please dont reconcile. Again, its been almost 2 months, its better that you discovered those things early so you wouldnt invest yourself further. There is simply no need to continue all this at all.

Thank you for your reply, yes it has been amazing together, they were running smoothly and we are already loved up, but this was hidden, how can someone hide something so deeply when you are meant to be in love right?

its just her dog yes, i think she was asking to talk to him whilst we were on our first date, I knew as he was acting up, even before I knew who she was, nobody messages late at night. I dont feel anything at the moment just numb, I met her too in the house when she picked up the dog, thought she is pretty, nothing of it, and off she went....she was sweet I wont lie, but here we are no further on and worse off thanks to a lie, if only he had told me I would never have reacted. 

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Pippa2675 said:

I wouldnt say I was doing too much its more we were both doing the same and an equal until now

No, I meant getting ahead of yourself emotionally. 

Even if it all feels great at the begining, it's pertinent not to get too carried away. Things often feel amazing at the beginning, but it's the honeymoon phase.  It's the time to enjoy the ride, yes, and also keep both feet on the ground and observe. See how things unfold and if the other person is worth investing so heavily in. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Pace yourself.

He is not over her. His shady actions tell you all you need to do.

It is also quite possible the kid is his.

It is messy and he is not partner material atm. You date someone to get to know them, and now you have this info. So use your logic and let him go.

Trust your judgement of the situation. You're worth more than such a lying and secretive man. Idc how "great" he is in other areas. He comes with some toxic baggage that is already negatively impacting you. It's bad news.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Pippa2675 said:

I dont trust him or respect him,

That's not a great foundation for a new relationship.

2 hours ago, Pippa2675 said:

Of course, so he literally was about to cry and got up off the bed and kept saying no I cant tell you, its not important, and just said nothing.... then went very reactive with me saying No I cant tell you, you will not like it. and walking off, like he was completely scared of what I might do. To which he said if I told you earlier on, you would have dumped me.

So dramatic just because he was "seeing" someone 20 years younger? Nah, sounds like there's some bigger bomb waiting for you.

[smackie9]

Find a GF to go on your trip this weekend, send him to the curb. You want a grownup, not some dude that lies like a 12 year old. So damn immature at 53 years old...big red flag. You don't need that crap in your life.