Love bombing?

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and it takes two -who cares who initiates -it takes two to consent.  I'd limit it to meeting up to have sex and limit the facetiming etc too. And don't ask him to take you out on a date because you'll get upset again if he says no or gets evasive about it.

I never got upset about anything regarding a date and he never said no to taking me on a date so what are you talking about?...... It does matter who initiates it to me lol 🤷🏽‍♀️. 

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds  good -hope you continue to enjoy the sex with him. And I agree with the others -he is not love bombing you -he's simply a man who likes meeting up to have sex with you. And you like having sex with him so it all works.

Nah sadly it all doesn't work cus you are wrong here. If he's not love bombing cool but if there is no intentions of courting me and etc then yes let's keep the "bonding" out of the bed and keep it strictly sex and no sleepovers and things of that nature. I just don't know how to healthy communicate or say it or like have a conversation about all of this with him. I tend to jump around and can't express myself properly. 

[yogacat]

@Fantasyallureyou're very comfortable with having sex with him so I am not sure where you get the idea that he is 'lovebombing' you. 

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, yogacat said:

@Fantasyallureyou're very comfortable with having sex with him so I am not sure where you get the idea that he is 'lovebombing' you. 

What's the correlation with that? I'm confused. 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

What's the correlation with that? I'm confused. 

The correlation is that 1) you are very comfortable having sex with him, and 2) "lovebombing" is when someone showers you with attention and affection in order to manipulate or control you in some way. Since you are already comfortable having sex with him, it's not likely that he is using affection to manipulate you. 

I don't see anywhere on his end where's he is putting too much energy in to where it would be considered "manipulative" exactly. But, at the same time, it doesn't sound like he is making any effort to properly date you either.

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

The correlation is that 1) you are very comfortable having sex with him, and 2) "lovebombing" is when someone showers you with attention and affection in order to manipulate or control you in some way. Since you are already comfortable having sex with him, it's not likely that he is using affection to manipulate you. 

Sigh im quite frankly able to have sex with anyone. My bodycount is about 50, I'm very much 1 and done with people. The "affection" or whatever this is he is doing also with the sex is making me confused........... I like him I enjoy our connection outside of sex I've never been compatible with someone like this so it's making me just overthink everything. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Nah sadly it all doesn't work cus you are wrong here. If he's not love bombing cool but if there is no intentions of courting me and etc then yes let's keep the "bonding" out of the bed and keep it strictly sex and no sleepovers and things of that nature. I just don't know how to healthy communicate or say it or like have a conversation about all of this with him. I tend to jump around and can't express myself properly. 

It's easy.  Just say I like having sex.  I don't want to do sleepovers. I like my space.  Is that ok with you?

It's not love bombing to sleep over and shower.  He likes the sexual and physical contact.  You're making way too much of this. He likes the convenience of coming to your place when he's horny and wants to have sex and he's likely delighted that you wanted it too the first time you hung out.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Sigh im quite frankly able to have sex with anyone. My bodycount is about 50, I'm very much 1 and done with people. The "affection" or whatever this is he is doing also with the sex is making me confused........... I like him I enjoy our connection outside of sex I've never been compatible with someone like this so it's making me just overthink everything. 

That's how you do things.  He may enjoy physical and sexual contact after intercourse.  There should be no confusion on your part and it simply is a simple matter of telling your sex partner what your boundaries are after he orgasms inside of you. Since you're more into the one and done and body count as you put it maybe find someone who feels the same if his interest in staying after to enjoy your body is somehow confusing to you.

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's easy.  Just say I like having sex.  I don't want to do sleepovers. I like my space.  Is that ok with you?

It's not love bombing to sleep over and shower.  He likes the sexual and physical contact.  You're making way too much of this. He likes the convenience of coming to your place when he's horny and wants to have sex and he's likely delighted that you wanted it too the first time you hung out.

Well if you keep up you can see why I act the way I act and why I'm making a big deal out of it. I DONT DO THIS WITH PEOPLE EVER! And if he does this just casually then I'm good but idk how to explain that too and I get scared so I ghost people 

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's how you do things.  He may enjoy physical and sexual contact after intercourse.  There should be no confusion on your part and it simply is a simple matter of telling your sex partner what your boundaries are after he orgasms inside of you. Since you're more into the one and done and body count as you put it maybe find someone who feels the same if his interest in staying after to enjoy your body is somehow confusing to you.

I act the way I act in an unhealthy way I never make bonds or have that part of after sex. It's always link *** and bye and never speaking again. So I'm trying to see how to move with this and just other things 

[SophiaG]

14 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Nah sadly it all doesn't work cus you are wrong here. If he's not love bombing cool but if there is no intentions of courting me and etc then yes let's keep the "bonding" out of the bed and keep it strictly sex and no sleepovers and things of that nature. I just don't know how to healthy communicate or say it or like have a conversation about all of this with him. I tend to jump around and can't express myself properly. 

Hey XXX, I like having sex with you, but I don't want to confuse or lead anyone on so I want to make sure you know that I'm not looking to date or bond in any way out of the bed. Can we keep it strictly sex and leave the other things, like sleepovers and showering together out of it?

[SophiaG]

11 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I'm very much 1 and done with people.

So why are you keeping him around this time, especially if the sex isn't spectacular?

11 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I like him I enjoy our connection outside of sex I've never been compatible with someone like this

So do you want to continue hanging out or not? Its really as simple as that

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Sigh im quite frankly able to have sex with anyone. My bodycount is about 50, I'm very much 1 and done with people. The "affection" or whatever this is he is doing also with the sex is making me confused........... I like him I enjoy our connection outside of sex I've never been compatible with someone like this so it's making me just overthink everything. 

Okay. So normally you can easily move on but with this man it is different and it is causing you to overthink everything. That's natural.

Realistically, he hasn't given you much reassurance about where his head is at so it's understandable that you are feeling anxious and confused. What do you want to do about it? Do you want to have a conversation with him about where you both see things going, or are you okay with just keeping things casual and seeing how it goes?

Because right now, he has told you that he enjoys hanging out with you, so it seems like he is interested in continuing to see you...but it's not clear if he wants anything more than that. You have to decide if you can handle keeping things casual or if you need something more.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I act the way I act in an unhealthy way I never make bonds or have that part of after sex. It's always link *** and bye and never speaking again. So I'm trying to see how to move with this and just other things 

I am confused. Before you wrote about wanting to properly date. It's often a bad idea to lead with sex as you did here and then try to properly date.  Absolutely it can happen but it's typically not effective. I know married couples who had sex the night they met.  But typically having sex right away gives the impression of wanting a sexual arrangement unless you discuss in advance what you are looking for.  Even then if a person says they want to date and then lead with sex those actions often are viewed as inconsistent with wanting to date.  

I wrote above how to go about dating in a healthy way.  So did others.  Feel free to reread.  I do not think this man wants to date you and chances are high he is sexually involved with the mother of his infant or of his other child - sorry don't know if it's the same mother. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Well if you keep up you can see why I act the way I act and why I'm making a big deal out of it. I DONT DO THIS WITH PEOPLE EVER! And if he does this just casually then I'm good but idk how to explain that too and I get scared so I ghost people 

I don't understand who your words are directed to -is that what you're planning on telling your sex partner? 

You can feel scared and treat people with respect.  You feel what you feel and you choose a reaction consistent with being a person who is thoughtful and treats others like she wants to be treated.

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

So why are you keeping him around this time, especially if the sex isn't spectacular?

So do you want to continue hanging out or not? Its really as simple as that

I said I genuinely like our connection outside of sex. I just don't have these "real" conversations with people. Yall keep saying it's easy well if that was the case I wouldn't be here I struggle to have healthy relationships and I have had times where I have self sabotaged because of my unhealthy ways I date. So I'm trying to move forward here healthy. I like him, I would like for us to do more outside of sex and conversations, I just dk how to ask for that without feeling like idk how to explain it 

[SophiaG]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

So I'm trying to move forward here healthy. I like him, I would like for us to do more outside of sex and conversations,

Ok great! Then ignore my response earlier on how to ask him to keep it to sex only. Go on with your movie date and see how you feel. Talk to him more often with texting and/or calling. Ask about his life. Manage your fear and anxiety in therapy and don't ghost or play hot/cold.

That said, I agree with other posters this guy has shown some red flags and probably isn't relationship material. Since you are not looking for a relationship at this moment anyway, I see no harm in spending more time with him to get used to what "dating" is like - just keep your expectations low and know that he's probably not exclusively involved with you and definitely not in love with you.

[yogacat]

You're not self-sabotaging, you're just struggling with communication and being vulnerable. Do you want to spend more time together, go on actual dates, or do activities together? 

It's okay to feel nervous or uncomfortable, but you have to get to a place where you can communicate your needs and wants in a relationship. If he is interested in pursuing something more outside of the bedroom, he will likely be receptive. If not, then you will have to decide if you are okay with remaining casual or if you need to move on. That's a difficult thing to do, but it's necessary.

Something tells me though that he is fine with this set-up because the only activities you mention are him coming over to yours and screwing. It is also telling that he hasn't made any effort to take you out. I think you have to ask yourself if you're okay with this, or if you want something more substantial. 

[Fantasyallure]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Okay. So normally you can easily move on but with this man it is different and it is causing you to overthink everything. That's natural.

Realistically, he hasn't given you much reassurance about where his head is at so it's understandable that you are feeling anxious and confused. What do you want to do about it? Do you want to have a conversation with him about where you both see things going, or are you okay with just keeping things casual and seeing how it goes?

Because right now, he has told you that he enjoys hanging out with you, so it seems like he is interested in continuing to see you...but it's not clear if he wants anything more than that. You have to decide if you can handle keeping things casual or if you need something more.

Yes I would like to have a conversation but the way I am I'm fighting in between saying something about how I feel and my intentions, asking him about his bm, ghosting him, not giving him an explanation on why I want to walk away. But it's only been 1 month so do I have room to do this? 
 

I asked him lastnight what's the situation with you and your bm and he said nothing why and I just said "just a question",  he said "You done asked 4 times" I said "Don't recall what was the conversation?" Cus i genuinely don't recall me ever asking about his bms 😂 so im genuinely confused and waiting for a response because ive never asked about that lady. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I said I genuinely like our connection outside of sex. I just don't have these "real" conversations with people. Yall keep saying it's easy well if that was the case I wouldn't be here I struggle to have healthy relationships and I have had times where I have self sabotaged because of my unhealthy ways I date. So I'm trying to move forward here healthy. I like him, I would like for us to do more outside of sex and conversations, I just dk how to ask for that without feeling like idk how to explain it 

It's simple enough to plan and go on proper dates with a person who wants that with you.  I would not pursue that with this guy -he already declined you asking him to take you to a movie.  Has he tried to reschedule with enthusiasm? If not please know it's because he doesn't want to go on dates with you.  He likes the sexual arrangement.  

Meeting up with people for sex only isn't dating.  It's having sex with multiple people.  

I also would try to have a lot more social interaciton in general.  Volunteer.  Join a class like a gym class. Volunteer at your child's school or daycare if possible.  Take swing dancing lessons.  Go to singles events. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

Yes I would like to have a conversation but the way I am I'm fighting in between saying something about how I feel and my intentions, asking him about his bm, ghosting him, not giving him an explanation on why I want to walk away. But it's only been 1 month so do I have room to do this? 
 

I asked him lastnight what's the situation with you and your bm and he said nothing why and I just said "just a question",  he said "You done asked 4 times" I said "Don't recall what was the conversation?" Cus i genuinely don't recall me ever asking about his bms 😂 so im genuinely confused and waiting for a response because ive never asked about that lady. 

I would assume he is evading the issue because he is involved with the mother of his child. Whether it's emotionall/sexually or they are actually engaged or married or committed doesn't matter. Otherwise if he wanted to date you he would want you to know 1000% he is single and also available to date you. 

[Fantasyallure]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's simple enough to plan and go on proper dates with a person who wants that with you.  I would not pursue that with this guy -he already declined you asking him to take you to a movie.  Has he tried to reschedule with enthusiasm? If not please know it's because he doesn't want to go on dates with you.  He likes the sexual arrangement.  

Meeting up with people for sex only isn't dating.  It's having sex with multiple people.  

I also would try to have a lot more social interaciton in general.  Volunteer.  Join a class like a gym class. Volunteer at your child's school or daycare if possible.  Take swing dancing lessons.  Go to singles events. 

Where did he decline on taking me on a date? lol wym? I asked him to take me to see bettlejucie the movie wasn't out yet he said okay , I asked him the week of or before his bday I don't recall, when we seen eachother again in person he asked if the movie I wanted too see came out yet and I said yes. I'm being mindful his brother just died  so I wasn't trying to be all pressed like take me to my movie now 

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would assume he is evading the issue because he is involved with the mother of his child. Whether it's emotionall/sexually or they are actually engaged or married or committed doesn't matter. Otherwise if he wanted to date you he would want you to know 1000% he is single and also available to date you. 

What is dating to you? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Where did he decline on taking me on a date? lol wym? I asked him to take me to see bettlejucie the movie wasn't out yet he said okay , I asked him the week of or before his bday I don't recall, when we seen eachother again in person he asked if the movie I wanted too see came out yet and I said yes. I'm being mindful his brother just died  so I wasn't trying to be all pressed like take me to my movie now 

You've provided lots of details in this thread with a focus on your sexual history, your sexual experiences with him and a lot of details about how busy this guy's life is with kids and a huge loss in his life.  To me if a man doesn't try to reschedule ASAP it's as good as a decline - so that's likely where I got that from.  If he wanted to take you on a date he'd plan in advance.  If he's well enough to come over and put his penis inside you then he's well enough to take you outside for a date whether the movie or otherwise.  Watch his actions not his words.  You shouldn't have to press him.  He should be excited at the opportunity to take you out.  He obviously is not.

(My future husband asked me out weeks in advance at times because of his travel schedule -he wanted to make sure I'd be available on a Saturday night -and many men I dated who were interested in dating me planned in advance if it was for a weekend night especially.  When I was in a committed relationship we both put effort into planning dates).

[Fantasyallure]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's simple enough to plan and go on proper dates with a person who wants that with you.  I would not pursue that with this guy -he already declined you asking him to take you to a movie.  Has he tried to reschedule with enthusiasm? If not please know it's because he doesn't want to go on dates with you.  He likes the sexual arrangement.  

Meeting up with people for sex only isn't dating.  It's having sex with multiple people.  

I also would try to have a lot more social interaciton in general.  Volunteer.  Join a class like a gym class. Volunteer at your child's school or daycare if possible.  Take swing dancing lessons.  Go to singles events. 

I never said I date people lol. I said I entertain, talk. I've dated 3 people in real commitment relationships ever. Everyone else yes we were sleeping together. That's why I asked what is dating to you? Because what me and him are doing is not dating and I don't want to date anytime soon, we've only been talking for a month like I said.