Love bombing?

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Most people don't invite others to share in their birthday if it's someone they're hanging out and hooking up with for a month. I did when we'd been on 4 dates and were getting serious- talking about exclusivity. It seems like a big ask to tell someone they have to take you to see a movie when you've only been hanging out and hooking up for a month. Especially since he has a family.

I'm use to having casual relationships with guys and casual I mean sleeping together. So even what me and him are doing is something new because of the intimacy things wether is real or fake. Me telling him to take me to see bettlejuice was a going out on a limb and doing something new, I'm not bothered that we don't go on dates or anything.

[Batya33]

Just now, Fantasyallure said:

I'm use to having casual relationships with guys and casual I mean sleeping together. So even what me and him are doing is something new because of the intimacy things wether is real or fake. Me telling him to take me to see bettlejuice was a going out on a limb and doing something new, I'm not bothered that we don't go on dates or anything.

Why not ask him out then -why ask someone you're having casual hooks ups with - you mean you are more sexually intimate with him right -because he's not involving you with his friends or family or indicating he wants to -right? Asking a man to take you on a date -not sure how that is going out on a limb as he would then need to plan -right?

[Fantasyallure]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's much more simple if you meet someone and get to know  the person by going on dates once or twice a week to do shared activities in public.

My issue is if we are just having casual sex I don't want the fake bonding/intimacy lol it's confusing me. I'd just rather not do anything at all if we can't keep the intimacy/ fake bonding out of the bed. 

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why not ask him out then -why ask someone you're having casual hooks ups with - you mean you are more sexually intimate with him right -because he's not involving you with his friends or family or indicating he wants to -right? Asking a man to take you on a date -not sure how that is going out on a limb as he would then need to plan -right?

I only known him for a month so I don't expect to be involved with his family AT ALL right now lol honestly. I met his sister the other night and I met him through my sister because she talks to his friend and my sister invited her guy out and my guy came out with him and we exchanged #s that day and now we are here 🙂 

[Fantasyallure]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why not ask him out then -why ask someone you're having casual hooks ups with - you mean you are more sexually intimate with him right -because he's not involving you with his friends or family or indicating he wants to -right? Asking a man to take you on a date -not sure how that is going out on a limb as he would then need to plan -right?

I keep saying I'm new here to this dating life lol..... I legit ONLY have casual sexual relations with guys. All of this with this man here is new to me and confusing.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

I only known him for a month so I don't expect to be involved with his family AT ALL right now lol honestly. I met his sister the other night and I met him through my sister because she talks to his friend and my sister invited her guy out and my guy came out with him and we exchanged #s that day and now we are here 🙂 

Right so how is this arrangement of talking and entertaining and having sex and  taking showers more intimate in your opinion?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

I keep saying I'm new here to this dating life lol..... I legit ONLY have casual sexual relations with guys. All of this with this man here is new to me and confusing.

Like I suggested it's not confusing if you go on dates planned in advance mostly in public once or twice a week to get to know a new man.  There need not be any grand dating life- it's not a life -it's simply going on dates planned in advance and getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time.

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so how is this arrangement of talking and entertaining and having sex and  taking showers more intimate in your opinion?

Im DA/FA this is waaaaaay to intimate for me 

[Batya33]

Just now, Fantasyallure said:

Im DA/FA this is waaaaaay to intimate for me 

Right so please see what I wrote above about going on proper dates.

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Right so please see what I wrote above about going on proper dates.

Hmm noted. I'm just trying to learn proper healthy dating

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Hmm noted. I'm just trying to learn proper healthy dating

Yes and I wrote above more than once that it's basic - it increases the risk of healthy, mature interactions between two adults who are attracted to each other or might be. Not much to learn as far as the logistics especially with technology.  When I started dating we had a landline.  So the guy had to call my parents' house and hope the line wasn't busy and that I was home to ask me out on a date he planned in advance.  We were teenagers. I am 58 and our son is 15.  Do you go out with friends -it's like that. Not much to learn.  As far as learning how to treat someone you are dating and how to interact yes that is where  your therapist might be able to help.

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

And No I didn't expect to be around for his bday lol.. should I have?

If you claim to be that intimate than yes. But I suspect that would upset his new baby momma.

Again, this is not healthy. Him just coming over to have sex, talking a bit and leaving, is just hooking up. Not a relationship. You are not in a healthy space to have a relationship. That is why you probably were drawn to him who is fine with coming over to have sex, talk about stuff and than leaving to his family. You are like a therapy to him. Except he doesnt pay you and you give him sex. Again, do you see how unhealthy that connection is?

Healthy relationship would firstly require you to be in a healthy space for it. Than somebody who would also be that. And than yes, him taking you out, introducing you to friends and family, and yes, even going to his birthday. You are not in a healthy space to have a healthy relationship. You yourself said how him taking you out would be "too much" for you. So yes, start with your own mental health and going to therapy so you would be a healthy space to find somebody else who would also be that. Because this aint it.

[Fantasyallure]

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you claim to be that intimate than yes. But I suspect that would upset his new baby momma.

Again, this is not healthy. Him just coming over to have sex, talking a bit and leaving, is just hooking up. Not a relationship. You are not in a healthy space to have a relationship. That is why you probably were drawn to him who is fine with coming over to have sex, talk about stuff and than leaving to his family. You are like a therapy to him. Except he doesnt pay you and you give him sex. Again, do you see how unhealthy that connection is?

Healthy relationship would firstly require you to be in a healthy space for it. Than somebody who would also be that. And than yes, him taking you out, introducing you to friends and family, and yes, even going to his birthday. You are not in a healthy space to have a healthy relationship. You yourself said how him taking you out would be "too much" for you. So yes, start with your own mental health and going to therapy so you would be a healthy space to find somebody else who would also be that. Because this aint it.

I'm not fine with us having sex and then having those intimate moments actually it confusing to me and a lot. I rather keep the intimate stuff out of it and just have sec

 

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you claim to be that intimate than yes. But I suspect that would upset his new baby momma.

Again, this is not healthy. Him just coming over to have sex, talking a bit and leaving, is just hooking up. Not a relationship. You are not in a healthy space to have a relationship. That is why you probably were drawn to him who is fine with coming over to have sex, talk about stuff and than leaving to his family. You are like a therapy to him. Except he doesnt pay you and you give him sex. Again, do you see how unhealthy that connection is?

Healthy relationship would firstly require you to be in a healthy space for it. Than somebody who would also be that. And than yes, him taking you out, introducing you to friends and family, and yes, even going to his birthday. You are not in a healthy space to have a healthy relationship. You yourself said how him taking you out would be "too much" for you. So yes, start with your own mental health and going to therapy so you would be a healthy space to find somebody else who would also be that. Because this aint it.

Him taking me out wouldn't be too much for me lol...... if all of this is "fake" bonding and he still is with his bm then yeah idc for the personal convos, dates, and the other intimate stuff while having sex we can just keep it at the sex and no sleepovers. But if he is just co-parenting with her then yeah I would like to know how to move forward and date in a healthy way , and communicate healthy. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Fantasyallure said:

I'm not fine with us having sex and then having those intimate moments actually it confusing to me and a lot. I rather keep the intimate stuff out of it and just have sec

 

Him taking me out wouldn't be too much for me lol...... if all of this is "fake" bonding and he still is with his bm then yeah idc for the personal convos, dates, and the other intimate stuff while having sex we can just keep it at the sex and no sleepovers. But if he is just co-parenting with her then yeah I would like to know how to move forward and date in a healthy way , and communicate healthy. 

This is a lot of words.  You chose to have casual sex and he did too but he also likes to talk to you.  So since you're comfortable being naked and risking pregnancy and STDs  and sharing all sorts of bodily fluids then it's on you to tell him that you want to keep it to sex only.  It's not fake to have conversations and doesn't need to be bonding.  But if you want to date then this approach of yours quite often is ineffective.  For a number of reasons.  He likely is still in a relationship with the mother of his infant child.  

[Fantasyallure]

32 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you claim to be that intimate than yes. But I suspect that would upset his new baby momma.

Again, this is not healthy. Him just coming over to have sex, talking a bit and leaving, is just hooking up. Not a relationship. You are not in a healthy space to have a relationship. That is why you probably were drawn to him who is fine with coming over to have sex, talk about stuff and than leaving to his family. You are like a therapy to him. Except he doesnt pay you and you give him sex. Again, do you see how unhealthy that connection is?

Healthy relationship would firstly require you to be in a healthy space for it. Than somebody who would also be that. And than yes, him taking you out, introducing you to friends and family, and yes, even going to his birthday. You are not in a healthy space to have a healthy relationship. You yourself said how him taking you out would be "too much" for you. So yes, start with your own mental health and going to therapy so you would be a healthy space to find somebody else who would also be that. Because this aint it.

Plus I wouldn't expect someone I just met a month ago to come to my bday, or met my fam. Friends yes maybe. To me it's kind of to early to mix friends and Him it's not necessary to me at the moment, and I have met his sister and I met him through my sister who knows his friend. 

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, Batya33 said:

This is a lot of words.  You chose to have casual sex and he did too but he also likes to talk to you.  So since you're comfortable being naked and risking pregnancy and STDs  and sharing all sorts of bodily fluids then it's on you to tell him that you want to keep it to sex only.  It's not fake to have conversations and doesn't need to be bonding.  But if you want to date then this approach of yours quite often is ineffective.  For a number of reasons.  He likely is still in a relationship with the mother of his infant child.  

Sorry you're making all those assumptions we use protection when we have sex. I have no intentions of having other kids at the moment. He brought condoms the first time we done it and been using them ever since.

[SophiaG]

Ok, now I understand your question a bit better - do you like hanging out with him out of bed? Do you like the idea of going on dates with someone you like? I know you said it's all new and confusing but new/confusing things don't have to be bad. Is this something you want, with him or someone else?

If you don't care for any of that and just want to have sex, sounds like you already know how to do that - tell him or any future partner that's what you are looking for. If you are interested in dating, he might not be the best partner but you can also start exploring emotional intimacy by spending time with him. Discuss it with your therapist and take small steps - asking him to take you to a movie isn't a bad idea.

[shouldhavelearned]

You're 24 with children. Take care of your house per say.

Nothing wrong with having fun and dating and all that comes with it.

 

This guy is 31 multiple baby moms and kids. 

Get away before you get pregnant, well you said it wasn't that good so ....anyway 

 

Get away 

[Fantasyallure]

9 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You're 24 with children. Take care of your house per say.

Nothing wrong with having fun and dating and all that comes with it.

 

This guy is 31 multiple baby moms and kids. 

Get away before you get pregnant, well you said it wasn't that good so ....anyway 

 

Get away 

24 , with 1 kid my own place and car. My home is situated lol. & I have no intentions of getting pregnant and even if I did I wouldn't keep it 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think he sees having a bath or shower as fake bonding. 

He just enjoys it and doesn't attach the same emotional meaning to it that you seem to. I think he's viewing this as a casual arrangement and doesn't intend to actually date you. If that is what you are after, this probably isn't your guy.

Also, you say you have these deep talks about your lives, but you can't even say for sure how old his baby is. These conversations can't be that deep or revealing (from his side anyway) You are lacking some pretty basic information about his life. Do you know where he lives, and with whom? 

[Jaunty]

It's not "fake bonding."  He enjoys it and probably assumes you also would.  One thing for sure:  this is a far cry from "love bombing."  

I suggest you look that up.

One more suggestion:  Why not step away from your label of "DA/FA."  You seem quite attached to it and like you feel it gives you a free pass to have stunted emotional growth.  It doesn't.  You don't have to be stuck playing hot / cold games for the rest of your life.  

[Fantasyallure]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think he sees having a bath or shower as fake bonding. 

He just enjoys it and doesn't attach the same emotional meaning to it that you seem to. I think he's viewing this as a casual arrangement and doesn't intend to actually date you. If that is what you are after, this probably isn't your guy.

Also, you say you have these deep talks about your lives, but you can't even say for sure how old his baby is. These conversations can't be that deep or revealing (from his side anyway) You are lacking some pretty basic information about his life. Do you know where he lives, and with whom? 

Oh to me it's fake lol, I don't do stuff like that with people. & yeah I know where he lives and with who ..... he's invited me over I never went though. & I never cared to ask anything more after he told me he had kids. He showed me pictures of both, we have been on FaceTime when he is with his youngest but he doesn't say anything more then what he has told me so far. I know his situation with his oldest far more than the youngest. Name, age, etc. 

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's not "fake bonding."  He enjoys it and probably assumes you also would.  One thing for sure:  this is a far cry from "love bombing."  

I suggest you look that up.

One more suggestion:  Why not step away from your label of "DA/FA."  You seem quite attached to it and like you feel it gives you a free pass to have stunted emotional growth.  It doesn't.  You don't have to be stuck playing hot / cold games for the rest of your life.  

I brought it up to highlight why I do do alot of the things I do. And I'm also in therapy. I'm here asking questions like I said so I can have a HEALTHY proper relationship not like the ones I have been having due to me being DA/FA 🙂 

[MissCanuck]

47 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

Oh to me it's fake lol, I don't do stuff like that with people

That doesn't mean he doesn't. If you re-read what I wrote, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about how he might see it. He may not see it as any sort of bonding at all. Just a fun activity. Surely you realize the way you operate might not be the same way he does? 

51 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I never cared to ask anything more after he told me he had kids.

Is there a reason you don't want to know how recently this baby was born? It's a rather significant factor, especially as far as his involvement with the mother goes. 

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That doesn't mean he doesn't. If you re-read what I wrote, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about how he might see it. He may not see it as any sort of bonding at all. Just a fun activity. Surely you realize the way you operate might not be the same way he does? 

Is there a reason you don't want to know how recently this baby was born? It's a rather significant factor, especially as far as his involvement with the mother goes. 

And oh well whatever it is for him I don't do these type things. I rather leave these conversations out the room and just have sex if there is no intentions of being serious later down the line or if he is still dealing with his bm and No reason, I just didn't think to dive more into it.