Love bombing?

[Fantasyallure]

I'm 24 and he just recently turned 31. His birthday made a month since we've been entertaining eachother. I met him through a mutual, he came over to my apt and came over every night 4 days in a row, he wouldn't just wake up and immediately leave either he'll stay for a hour or 2 then leave. When we first met we both disclosed we had kids, and he is open about his situation with his 1st babymother, he has another child and that child is 4-6 months old he doesn't say as much about this situation like he does the other. I know first red flag? Throughout all this we are vibing heavy and diving into each other lives, taking shower and baths together! I will say I have intimacy issues as my attachment style is DA/FA. So I'm not ever doing things like this with guys. The sex isn't quite all that good so I wouldn't say it's that either. Fast forward it's the week of or before his birthday and I mention kind of sorta telling him he has to take me to see bettlejuice he says ok lol. It's the day before his bday and he said he will probably come see me if he has time because his family was doing something for him. Next day was his birthday I said happy bday he said thanks. I said send a pic so I can see your outfit and no response from that point on. So I texted "bet f you" ! I know dramatic. He responded his brother had died on his birthday and i apologized and asked if he was fine but no response. 5 days later we hang out and he asks if the movie I want to see has came out, how he feels comfortable with me with everything going on, more about his co-parenting situation. He also said he thinks things are going great then I start spazzing on him out of nowhere which I kind of have a few times. He told me he missed me. I usually don't go on dates with guys, have personal convos it's all uncomfortable to me but then again I've been traumatized. He texted me today and said he enjoys hanging out with me and hopefully I'm free soon. Although it's been a month, I'm just trying to tread lightly here or am I missing red flags of love bombing?

[Batya33]

I think neither of you are available for a relationship with each other. You’re not communicating in a mature way and he most likely is involved with the mother of his infant. 

[Kwothe28]

Love bombing, noun

Meaning: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

Except if you didnt wrote how he is doing that(gives you gifts, tells you how he loves you etc.), no, its not "love bombing". He is just having sex with you. While he is probably still with his baby momma. 

[Andrina]

At your age, I'm sure you're meeting loads of single guys around your age.

Time for you to think about some must-haves for a longterm partner, which i'm assuming is your goal.

One of the major things you should consider is finances. If you'd like a guy to equally pull his weight with conjoined finances when it's time to move in together or marry after a few years together, do you really think a guy who pays child support to two different mothers will be able to do this? I highly doubt it.

With his situation, if he has a lot of time for you, he's obviously lacking in his parental responsibilities, as his plate is quite full.

[Fantasyallure]

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

At your age, I'm sure you're meeting loads of single guys around your age.

Time for you to think about some must-haves for a longterm partner, which i'm assuming is your goal.

One of the major things you should consider is finances. If you'd like a guy to equally pull his weight with conjoined finances when it's time to move in together or marry after a few years together, do you really think a guy who pays child support to two different mothers will be able to do this? I highly doubt it.

With his situation, if he has a lot of time for you, he's obviously lacking in his parental responsibilities, as his plate is quite full.

 

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

At your age, I'm sure you're meeting loads of single guys around your age.

Time for you to think about some must-haves for a longterm partner, which i'm assuming is your goal.

One of the major things you should consider is finances. If you'd like a guy to equally pull his weight with conjoined finances when it's time to move in together or marry after a few years together, do you really think a guy who pays child support to two different mothers will be able to do this? I highly doubt it.

With his situation, if he has a lot of time for you, he's obviously lacking in his parental responsibilities, as his plate is quite full.

I don't date much as I am a single mother with my child full time I don't have a lot of time on my hands. & im not thinking long term marriage with him lol it's only been a month. We aren't even "dating" , we're just talking/entertaining each other. We see each other 1-2x every few weeks type thing.  

[yogacat]

He is not lovebombing, you've gone at 100mph though. Then you told him to f himself?

You need to slow down and stop the crazy texting.

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, yogacat said:

He is not lovebombing, you've gone at 100mph though. Then you told him to f himself?

You need to slow down and stop the crazy texting.

I mean I've only acted like that because of the intimacy things we've been doing so my emotions are heightened as I said I'm DA/FA. 

[SophiaG]

What's DA/FA?

I don't see any lovebombing but he seems to be all over the place... His brother died on his birthday? Then a few days later he was talking about movies and acting as if nothing happened?

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, SophiaG said:

What's DA/FA?

I don't see any lovebombing but he seems to be all over the place... His brother died on his birthday? Then a few days later he was talking about movies and acting as if nothing happened?

Yes, my sister talks to his friend and his friend also confirmed so I know it's not a lie and he picked up the phone times around me and overheard the same thing so I know it's true, And he did bring it up in person how he felt about it. 
 

he brought up the movie also while we were in person. This was all when we seen eachother again since him telling me about his birthday and brother passing. 
 

DA/FA = disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style. I play a lot of hot/cold, intimacy issues, fear of commitment etc. Feel free to google! It's a lot. 
 

I just want to know next steps. Do I ghost? Say something? Idk. 

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I mean I've only acted like that because of the intimacy things we've been doing so my emotions are heightened as I said I'm DA/FA. 

It doesn't sound like he asked you out that day for his birthday and you kind of hinted for him to take you to see something. It looks like he wanted to see you when he was ready when things were better for him but by then you told him to f himself.

[Fantasyallure]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Did his brother just pass away or was he saying that particular day is a hard time for him since his brother died? It doesn't sound like he asked you out that day for his birthday and you kind of hinted for him to take you to see something. It looks like he wanted to see you when he was ready when things were better for him but by then you told him to f himself.

His brother died the day of his bday and bettlejuice wasn't out yet when I asked him to take me. After I said f him I apologized and we spoke 5 days after that when he ended up calling me, and in person that's when he addressed "I thought we be doing good then you just start tripping" . 

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

His brother died the day of his bday and bettlejuice wasn't out yet when I asked him to take me. After I said f him. I apologized and we spoke 5 days after that when we ended up calling me, and in person that's when he addressed "I thought we be doing good then you just start tripping" . 

Well, his brother died. He hasn't seen you for a month. I would back away from this one if I were you and find someone else. Sounds like it's starting to feel like a friends with benefits type of situation.

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Well, his brother died. He hasn't seen you for a month. I would back away from this one if I were you and find someone else. Sounds like it's starting to feel like a friends with benefits type of situation.

We've only been talking for a month, a week had passed since his bday and the day his brother passed / the day we talked. I just seen him 2 days ago. 

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

DA/FA = disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style. I play a lot of hot/cold, intimacy issues, fear of commitment etc.

Don't subject anybody to this. Concentrate on parenting right now and getting rid of all of your issues through therapy. 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

We've only been talking for a month, a week had passed since his bday and the day his brother passed / the day we talked 

Gotcha. Sorry misread what you wrote about the days in question.

You need to take a deep breath and lower your expectations for things you think you must do together.

Pump the brakes. 

His brother died, he has co-parenting responsibilities. 

That's a lot on his plate. 

[Fantasyallure]

Just now, Andrina said:

Don't subject anybody to this. Concentrate on parenting right now and getting rid of all of your issues through therapy. 

I just started therapy actually, I'm not looking to get into a relationship immediately if that comes into the equation. I just want to know next steps from here 

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Gotcha. Sorry misread what you wrote about the days in question.

You need to take a deep breath and lower your expectations for things you think you must do together.

Pump the brakes. 

His brother died, he has co-parenting responsibilities. 

That's a lot on his plate. 

Yeah no I'm totally fine with his kids and brother situation. I had no issue with not speaking for the week. I'm not the one initiating the showers and baths together and these deep personal convos it's him, he calls me more then I call him. I just want to know steps on moving forward all of this is new to me. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I just started therapy actually, I'm not looking to get into a relationship immediately if that comes into the equation. I just want to know next steps from here 

Why did you ask him to take you on a date if he's just someone you talk to and entertain? The best next steps to me are -step away.

[SophiaG]

22 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I just want to know next steps. Do I ghost? Say something? Idk. 

Why ghost? Do you want to see him again? If so, make plans to hang out. If not, let him know you are no longer interested and go separate ways.

Try to work on your DA/FA style and any underlying trauma to get yourself ready before entering a relationship.

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What's DA/FA?

 

She is distant avoidant, fearful avoidant. Means she is afraid of intimacy. Well, basically that. So I understand how she maybe thinks this is some high level intimacy situation. For her it maybe is. Even though it really isnt.

4 minutes ago, Fantasyallure said:

I'm not the one initiating the showers and baths together and these deep personal convos it's him, he calls me more then I call him.

That doesnt really mean too much, sorry. I know you are fine with him acting in this way because of your issues. But in a reality, him acting in that way is not some high level intimacy. In fact, its very low one. Have you been to his birthday? That should tell you everything you need to know about this relationship. Dont allow somebody like that into your life. Get to therapy and find somebody who will have healthy relationship with you.

[Fantasyallure]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you ask him to take you on a date if he's just someone you talk to and entertain? The best next steps to me are -step away.

I said I'm new to all this! This is a lot for me him being so open like this. Right now what we are doing is talking and entertaining each other?? We haven't talked about being for just eachother soo. 

[Fantasyallure]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

She is distant avoidant, fearful avoidant. Means she is afraid of intimacy. Well, basically that. So I understand how she maybe thinks this is some high level intimacy situation. For her it maybe is. Even though it really isnt.

That doesnt really mean too much, sorry. I know you are fine with him acting in this way because of your issues. But in a reality, him acting in that way is not some high level intimacy. In fact, its very low one. Have you been to his birthday? That should tell you everything you need to know about this relationship. Dont allow somebody like that into your life. Get to therapy and find somebody who will have healthy relationship with you.

Yes thank you! I have a hard time explaining things. And No I didn't expect to be around for his bday lol.. should I have? He told me his plans for that day. His bday made it a month since we have been talking so I don't expect much at this point. Or what should be the standard? Idk healthy dating. 

[Fantasyallure]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

She is distant avoidant, fearful avoidant. Means she is afraid of intimacy. Well, basically that. So I understand how she maybe thinks this is some high level intimacy situation. For her it maybe is. Even though it really isnt.

That doesnt really mean too much, sorry. I know you are fine with him acting in this way because of your issues. But in a reality, him acting in that way is not some high level intimacy. In fact, its very low one. Have you been to his birthday? That should tell you everything you need to know about this relationship. Dont allow somebody like that into your life. Get to therapy and find somebody who will have healthy relationship with you.

And I'm not "fine" with what he is doing. It's confusing me and it's a lot very early on to me. 

[Batya33]

Most people don't invite others to share in their birthday if it's someone they're hanging out and hooking up with for a month. I did when we'd been on 4 dates and were getting serious- talking about exclusivity. It seems like a big ask to tell someone they have to take you to see a movie when you've only been hanging out and hooking up for a month. Especially since he has a family.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Fantasyallure said:

And I'm not "fine" with what he is doing. It's confusing me and it's a lot very early on to me. 

It's much more simple if you meet someone and get to know  the person by going on dates once or twice a week to do shared activities in public.