Another guy kissed my gf’s hand?

[wsddddddd]

My girlfriend just came back from clubbing with her friends at around 4am and told me she was mad. She said that when she was trying to order a drink, some guy came up to her and bent down and kissed her hand.

She told me that after that she said “excuse me I have a man”, and the guy said he had a girlfriend and just wanted friends, which is weird, obviously he didn’t. 
I’m pissed off by this naturally, and it’s caused me to overthink. I feared something like this would happen and was worried about her clubbing so late ever since 1am when she didn’t text me until 4.
She said she didn’t because her phone was on 1% the whole night. She didn’t even sound drunk when she called me after, which I guess is good.

It just pisses me off that someone kissed her hand on her first clubbing night out already. It’s just going to make me stress about other guys every time she goes now. I went the other day and didn’t even talk to girls there, just danced with my guy friends, so I’m worried. She said she stuck with her female friend because a guy was being weird trying to talk to her the whole time, which is fair. I know she likely didn’t expect it and didn’t want it, so I don’t want to get upset at her or say the wrong thing. But I’m overthinking about things like what if she secretly enjoyed the kiss/attention or something else happened too? At the same time I don’t want to believe that because I seem like a ***. Obviously I wouldn’t tell her or confront her about it, but it’s just on my mind and my heart’s beating fast and I can’t sleep now. She ended the phone call and said we’ll talk more in the morning.

we spoke a little after and she was being a little cold, but she said she wanted to sleep and we’d talk more in the morning. I told her I feel like *** and her being cold makes me more upset as it feeds into my overthinking, but she said I’m not the only one that feels like that, so I can see she didn’t want the kiss on the hand. She realised I’m upset but she said I’d understand later, and I said I already do because she didn’t want or expect it, but she said she wants space and doesn’t want to talk right now. What could this mean, my mind snaps to her reconsidering me and thinking about being with him or texting him or something?

How do I deal with this?

[ShySoul]

A kiss on the hand could be considered a polite, gentlemanly gesture. Its not as if it was a serious invasion of space, groping, etc. So calm down and see that if a guy did anything, it could have been far worse.

Also, pay more attention to her response. She immediately turned him down and didn't let it go further. She felt annoyed by guys and stayed with her girlfriends. She didn't do anything inappropriate. Concentrate on her actions, not that of strangers.

And even if she was flattered by someone's attention, at the end of the night she called you. She still wants a relationship with you.

Clubs are a spot people go to meet people like that. At some point, some guy is bound to say something to her. They can't know she is taken. But look at her response. Trust her. Believe that your relationship is stronger then the words of some random person. Don't let yourself be the jealous and insecure guy who feels the need to monitor her actions. She handled herself fine. So don't let your imagination make more of this then is there.

And if it is bothering you, talk to her. Don't make an accusation or that you are suspicious. Don't seem angry or controlling. Just be honest and say you are concerned with what other guys might try or say. Say you trust her, just not them.

[MissCanuck]

Dude, have you been to a club before?

As far as skeevy behaviour from drunk men in the club goes, this ranks pretty low on the Yuck-meter. Yeah, it was gross. But it's also not worh this much distress and overthinking. At all. 

52 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

my mind snaps to her reconsidering me and thinking about being with him or texting him or something?

It means that you are deeply insecure and need to get a handle on yourself. You are making a mountain out of molehill here and, yes, she might be recosidering you due to your reaction to this. 

But being with him and texting him? Come on, now. He was a passing drunk guy at the club. She doesn't know him and how the hell would she even know how to contact him? You need to come back down the earth and stop letting your fear steer the ship. 

Have you always been this insecure in the relationship? Has she ever given you any real reason not to trust her?

[wsddddddd]

12 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

A kiss on the hand could be considered a polite, gentlemanly gesture. Its not as if it was a serious invasion of space, groping, etc. So calm down and see that if a guy did anything, it could have been far worse.

Also, pay more attention to her response. She immediately turned him down and didn't let it go further. She felt annoyed by guys and stayed with her girlfriends. She didn't do anything inappropriate. Concentrate on her actions, not that of strangers.

And even if she was flattered by someone's attention, at the end of the night she called you. She still wants a relationship with you.

Clubs are a spot people go to meet people like that. At some point, some guy is bound to say something to her. They can't know she is taken. But look at her response. Trust her. Believe that your relationship is stronger then the words of some random person. Don't let yourself be the jealous and insecure guy who feels the need to monitor her actions. She handled herself fine. So don't let your imagination make more of this then is there.

And if it is bothering you, talk to her. Don't make an accusation or that you are suspicious. Don't seem angry or controlling. Just be honest and say you are concerned with what other guys might try or say. Say you trust her, just not them.

Thank you, that really helps me.

She said she wanted space and sort of didn’t want to talk to me until the morning, so I’m wondering what the reason for that could be?

She did call me after but it was only 3-5 minutes and she didn’t tell me everything, there’s more but she wants space right now. I think if everything was fine she’d be speaking to me, so I’m worried about what she’d rather be doing now.

Is it valid to want reassurance too because I think she might say I don’t trust her and get upset if I ask for it?

[ShySoul]

Wait until you hear from her before you start over thinking and jumping to conclusions. It could be anything. So try to relax and get some rest. When you talk, keep calm and listen to her. See where she is at before saying anything for yourself.

I think I recall trust has been an issue for you. I'm assuming its the same relationship? If so, see how the conversation goes first. If things go well, you can ask, just be careful how you say it. I'm wondering if your need for reassurance might be a strain on things in which case, continued asking for it could be a problem.

Its your relationship though and your feelings. Do what you think is best and what you feel you need to so. Until them, relax. She is okay. You are okay. Leave it at that for the moment. Hope it goes well.

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

Is it valid to want reassurance too because I think she might say I don’t trust her and get upset if I ask for it?

Reassurance about what, exactly? 

She didn't do anything worng here, if what she has told you is the extent of her interaction with this drunk clown. 

[Kwothe28]

If something really happened, she wouldnt even told you. So I dont believe you have to worry about some guy kissing her hand. When she was opened about it and how annoyed she was.

How are things otherwise? Is it a common thing for you both to go out separately clubbing until 4am? Might be a sign of troubles within relationship.

[DarkCh0c0]

Well, it's the club. Loads of sleazy men roam there. She sounds upset, and rightfully so.

Are you able to put yourself in her shoes and empathize with her? Empathize with the annoyance and disgust from this man?

She didn't enjoy it. So get out of your own head and focus on being a good man to her.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

How are things otherwise? Is it a common thing for you both to go out separately clubbing until 4am? Might be a sign of troubles within relationship.

That begs these questions. How has the relationship been recently?

[poorlittlefish]

Your girlfriend didn't have to mention what happened at all because she didn't do anything inappropriate.  She told you she shut it down (as I would), but it's caused you all sorts of anguish, so maybe she'd be better off not mentioning such non-events?

In my clubbing days, it was common to have guys trying to talk to me, touch me and dance with me.  Clubs were (and probably still are) quite sleazy environments.  If your girlfriend still wants to go clubbing, your options are to trust that she will deal with lecherous blokes appropriately or split up.

[JoyfulCompany]

4 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

She told me that after that she said “excuse me I have a man”

She told you about the incident and if those words above are true you have nothing to worry about.
Also, she was probably super tired and didn't have the energy to give up a "warm" vibe or reassure you too much and your insecurity read that as "cold". She said she wanted to sleep. Then you pushed your insecurity onto her and she obviously couldn't handle it right away.

Everyone gets insecure from time to time, it's okay to ask for validation. But it depends on how and when you ask for it. "I feel awful that you're so cold" is an accusation. Accusing someone makes them want to defend themselves and rightfully so as she did nothing wrong. She went out to have fun with a friend, had something annoying happen to her and called you after telling you about her night before going to bed.

So, next time you could try something like "we're good and we'll talk tomorrow, right?". Then, if you still have worries the next day, you could try to talk about it but always ask questions before getting to conclusions. And, knowing yourself, you should be aware that the dark scenarios in your head rarely manifest, so don't just expect those and don't accuse people without a valid reason.

I get it, it's hard, I also have an anxious and overthinking nature. But you need to learn ways to regulate yourself alone, at least to some extent, before projecting your full-blown worries on your loved ones.

Having said all of that if she's often cold or non-empathetic towards you, shuts you down, etc., you have another problem.

[TeeDee]

Oh for heaven's sake. 

Some random drunk guy kissing your GFs hand in a ham handed way while drunk & trying (but failing) to be courtly in a club is just par for the course for a night in a bar / club.  It's a great big nothing.  He's an a$$.  She dealt with him.  It's over.  Be done.

The unattractive problem here is you wondering "what else she wants to be doing" or being overly concerned & jealous.  You can't control every aspect of her life, nor should you try. 

Based on bad advice I read on boards like this after I got married when some guy flirted with me when I was somewhere without my husband I came home & told him.  He asked me if I needed him to go beat the guy up.  I didn't even know who the guy was.  My husband then explained that he knows I'm a flirty person & he's cool with that.  He knows I can handle myself & the last thing he wants is to hear about some random nothing.  He only wants to be informed if it goes beyond something I can handle myself.   Years later somebody was being inappropriate  & I told him to knock it off.  Just then my husband walked in & the other guy said something like "oh is your big bad husband going to beat me up now?"  I assured the jerk that my husband loves & trusts me & would never disrespect me by denying me the pleasure of enforcing my own boundaries. 

[lostandhurt]

This is not about some guy kissing her hand, this is about your gf going out clubbing and you don't like it.

She got annoyed with you because you basically told her you do not trust her with all your questions.  Please don't use that old line "I trust her but I don't trust the men"  She can get hit on anywhere anytime so you need to learn to trust her.

 I am not sure what either of you were expecting to happen when her and her friends went clubbing alone. They are going to be hit on, guys are going to want to dance with them and chat them up.  Girls go clubbing to dance and have fun, guys go to get with women.

  Lost

[Andrina]

From your past posts, it's clear she already knows you go into a tailspin whenever flirtatious encounters happen between her and other men, such as the party you were both at.

As I believe I might've said before, she tells you about these things to get that tailspin reaction from you. I will only guess is that she likes the feeling of keeping you off-balance, which makes her feel powerful and she enjoys taunting you with how desirable she is to other men. 

As for myself, and with others I've seen in successful relationships, regularly clubbing without your SO should go by the wayside when you're in a serious relationship. Besides special occasions or an occasional girls or guys night out, a couple's leisure time should evolve to friend get-togethers that won't sabotage the relationship. There are plenty of fun activities people can do with friends that don't involve getting drunk and being around people trying to pick them up.

The pattern continues. Same behavior, different location, different man. She is the common denominator. Expect the same in the near future. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@wsdddddddlooking at your previous threads, this is a pattern with you and your girlfriend.

Insecurity, lack of trust, lack of boundaries the list goes on.

You both have issues and if don't seek some counseling for both of you and/or individually, you're gonna eventually destroy each other. 

Seen it happen.

 

[smackie9]

Your GF handled it well and was transparent about what had happened...it was beyond her control as to what happened, and I assure you this sort of thing us women encounter in our daily lives. It happens all the time with out any encouragement. She told you to assure you she's loyal to you, and she's grownup enough to handle these situations. If you are that insecure about it, tell her not to discuss these incidents to you because you don't want to hear about it. 

[Coily]

31 minutes ago, Andrina said:

As I believe I might've said before, she tells you about these things to get that tailspin reaction from you. I will only guess is that she likes the feeling of keeping you off-balance, which makes her feel powerful and she enjoys taunting you with how desirable she is to other men. 

This, I fully agree with this.

This comes across as a bit of a power play on her part. If I hadn't been reminded of this behavior, I would have told you to just shrug it off. Work on yourself.

However, with the context; you need to sit her down and have a little talk. Feed her ego a bit, but let her know she doesn't need to get you jealous, the thrill of the chase isn't for you. It's not helpful for growing the relationship.

Some women always enjoy getting a man wound up, she could be this type, or just hasn't matured past it.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

However, with the context; you need to sit her down and have a little talk. Feed her ego a bit, but let her know she doesn't need to get you jealous, the thrill of the chase isn't for you. It's not helpful for growing the relationship.

I agree with @Andrinaand don't necessarily disagree with what is quoted above BUT would not a better response be to not react at all?

When his girlfriend tells him about every Tom, D*ck and Harry who talks to her, flirts with her, kisses her hand or whatever, simply respond "sounds like you handled it well" (or something like) and change the subject?

It's a "shyt test" plain and simple to elicit jealousy or whatever else. 

Girl is looking for an emotional reaction (I know plenty PLENTY of women who do this, I have friends who do this!) and by even sitting her down and "explaining" why she shouldn't or doesn't have to you're giving her a reaction. 

And also acting like a parent. 

Thus giving her the opportunity to call you jealous, controlling etc.  And continue the drama.

Just ignore it!  In one ear and out the other. 

By not reacting at all, you say NO to all the unnecessary drama and frankly silliness.

Eventually (hopefully) she'll notice she's not getting the reaction she seeks and will get bored and stop. 

I don't expect the OP to do this because it would appear based on past threads they both feed off this type of toxic drama, while at the same time complaining about it.

It's immature and toxic. 

JMO.

 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think it's a big deal and if you two are comfortable with this sort of clubbing, at those times, with alcohol involved on any regular basis sounds fairly typical.  

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

From your past posts, it's clear she already knows you go into a tailspin whenever flirtatious encounters happen between her and other men, such as the party you were both at.

Oh boy. 

Yes, I have just realized who OP is and what his past posts are about. I hadn't bothered to check before I responded above, but I should have. 

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

she enjoys taunting you with how desirable she is to other men. 

I have to agree. The backstory here and the previous threads are evidence that this girl is not the best match for you, OP. This is a pattern of behaviiour from her, and while the guy kissing her hand is pretty benign, I seriously side-eye her motive for even telling you about it. She likes getting a rise of out of you, which is not cool. 

I hope you realize how unsustainable this is long-term, man. 

[Kwothe28]

Oh boy, the woman who claimed she didnt liked the guy who flirted with her in front of you and then added him on Instagram. That disaster again. OP we told you to run. In the other direction from her. This is what happens when you dont.