Coeliac friend

[Tinydance]

Not terribly exciting topic but I have a friend who's coeliac. So very allergic to gluten. I'm in a friendship group of like seven people. We are all good friends but some of us are closer to some other people in the group than to others. This woman C entered our friendship group about three years ago because she's a serious partner of our male friend H who I've known for ten years. We all love C but her and I aren't besties but still friends. 

Anyway so what ends up happening is if we want to check out a new restaurant or go out somewhere, usually H will begin to strongly advocate for C that because she's coeliac that we can't go there and we need to go somewhere else. Or we'll be going to a show let's say and want to get dinner beforehand and they suggest a really expensive restaurant just because it's gluten free. And normally if I organise something like dinner tonight for example, H will be like: "But is this place strictly gluten free?" Coz it needs to be not cross contaminated.

My question is, if I'm organising the event and place to eat, do I have obligation to seek out a coeliac friendly restaurant? As I said we have a group of 7 and it's only one person who's coeliac or has any dietary requirements at all. She's my friend so I don't want to act like I don't care but I also don't want to be totally ruled by it. E.g. If we all want to go out and check out a cool restaurant or bar but we can't because it's not coeliac.

[SophiaG]

I've briefly dated someone with a similar condition and eating out was very challenging. He had an app on his phone funnily called "Find me GF" to find restaurants he can eat at. The selection wasn't great and I pretty much disliked every restaurant he could go to. This is in NYC - I don't know how prevalent/good those restaurants are where you are at - but if I'm this strict with my diet restrictions that I can't even have a gluten free dish at a regular restaurant due to possible cross contamination I'd be eating at home like 99% of the time. I think it's very nice and sweet her partner finds restaurants she can enjoy and advocates for her, though as her friends the rest of you should be able to eat what you want sometimes too. Maybe she can join you before/after meal for other activities or she can eat beforehand and just hang out with you at the restaurant.

[Cherylyn]

C is unreasonable.  No,  you're not obligated to choose a coeliac friendly restaurant.  I agree with @SophiaG.  C should eat before dining out so she won't be an imposition on the rest of the group.  Or, she should bring snacks or her own food to eat so she's not hungry when the majority prefers to eat out at a restaurant of their choosing including when you organize dining out.  It's unfair to accommodate C due to her very strict dietary restrictions.  It ruins it for everyone.

[ShySoul]

It feels like everything is advertised as gluten free these days. Perhaps call ahead and see if the place has safe options and can guarantee no cross contamination. Do the extra homework to read reviews and see if people with the same condition feel the place is safe. Its more work, but given how serious these conditions can be, its important. Was just hearing of a person who died because they ate something they were assured was safe for their allergy.

Otherwise, if I was them I would eat at home to be safe and meet up for an activity after. Or go with you but not eat. If it was casual enough, would even bring something myself, so I could control what I was eating.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

C is unreasonable.  No,  you're not obligated to choose a coeliac friendly restaurant.  I agree with @SophiaG.  C should eat before dining out so she won't be an imposition on the rest of the group.  Or, she should bring snacks or her own food to eat so she's not hungry when the majority prefers to eat out at a restaurant of their choosing including when you organize dining out.  It's unfair to accommodate C due to her very strict dietary restrictions.  It ruins it for everyone.

I agree.  I'm allergic to nothing (except I will not eat raw fish or meat) but sometimes I don't want to eat out anymore - for various reasons including post-pandemic consequences with shortage of staff/substandard service etc.  So instead of insisting we not eat out or eat somwhere different I'll simply eat before and get a water or whatever and socialize. As long as no one comments more than offhandedly it works for me.  With such a large group she hopefully will understand and either order something safe or eat before/after.

[Starlight925]

It's not only an unreasonable request to require you to find a completely GF restaurant, it borders on controlling and annoying.

My SIL has been hospitalized with Celiac.  It's a serious condition, and we make sure that any food we make is not cross-contaminated, etc.  Separate plates for GF crackers, for example, separate spreader knives for dips.

She is otherwise in control of how she orders at restaurant, and she & my brother eat out multiple times a week.  She simply views the menu beforehand and double-checks with the wait staff, and enjoys her meal.

No one has ever "requested" that we find a GF restaurant, in fact, she travels with her own food just in case.  GF bread, etc.  We laugh at all the stuff she carries in her large purse.

H is protective at best, out of line at worst.

[Coily]

If C were willing to find a reasonable accommodation in terms of restaurant it would be okay. But she's clearly just wanting to have her way.

An ex had celiacs and she went to Applebee's of all places. So I think most places aren't going to risk being sued due to cross contamination. 

So C and H need to tone it back.

[BeatPoet]

In my opinion, people with special diets have to take care of themselves and not subject others to keep to their restrictions (this is one reason why I date vegetarians, but not vegans). 

As a courtesy you might look for a restaurant that can handle a gluten-free diet customer, but if the restaurant can't, maybe C should either eat beforehand and take a salad or something, or bring her own food (a restaurant would normally have problems with people eating food they bring, but they have to allow for allergies if they can't serve her dietary necessities). Especially when you're dining with a group, and she will still consume their beverages.

Another thing you can do is to not include C (and H) when you and the rest of the group want to experiment and try out new restaurants. Or skip dinner and just have drinks together with some tapas or something. 

C's dietary needs are her responsibility, not yours or the rest of the group. 

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  I'm allergic to nothing (except I will not eat raw fish or meat) but sometimes I don't want to eat out anymore - for various reasons including post-pandemic consequences with shortage of staff/substandard service etc.  So instead of insisting we not eat out or eat somewhere different I'll simply eat before and get a water or whatever and socialize. As long as no one comments more than offhandedly it works for me.  With such a large group she hopefully will understand and either order something safe or eat before/after.

I'm a very picky eater.  I generally eat prior to any event so I'm not starving by the time we meet friends or family for dine out meals or any type of occasion at their houses.  I'm not allergic to anything either so I'll order something I can eat and if I can't finish it,  I'll take it home for the next day's lunch.  If potluck type festivities are at houses,  I eat what I want only.  I don't receive comments either.

[rainbowsandroses]

@TinydanceI'm quite shocked at how demanding she is, eating gluten free is NOT difficult! 

Whole grains, meat, fish, fruit, etc etc has she educated herself about it or would she prefer to play victim and imposition everyone else? 

I've had Covid three times and one of the long term effects is that I have an overgrowth of Candida and I cannot eat gluten either.

Along with other restrictions like limiting my intake of sugar and complex carbs (potatoes, beans, legumes and certain vegetables, soda,  alcohol,  juice) and do just fine dining out!

Hopefully it won't be forever but these are the cards I was dealt and I deal with it without impositioning others. 

I don't even mention it to anyone, I simply order what I can eat - salmon or ahi tuna, veggies, a big salad with veggies, lemon and olive oil.  For example.

I cannot eat vinegar so no vinegar-based dressings, it's not difficult.

Most meats are gluten free so sometimes I order baked lemon chicken.  With a side salad.   

No regular bread obviously, only gluten free.  I like the gluten free oat bread, which most restaurants don't have so I go without. 

Steak is also gluten free. 

Is she a demanding, attention seeking person in other ways? 

I really dont get this.

P.S.  Most restaurants are very accommodating to restricted diets so she can mention to the manager or wait staff, I don't find it necessary.

And MY diet is way more restrictive than hers. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive but again, I dont get it.

What am I missing?  

 

 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

A couple minutes research and it's not really all that difficult to figure out what to do. Most places should have options or be willing to accomodate. And there are apps to help find reviews of what places are safe or not.

https://celiac.org/gluten-free-living/dining-and-social-eating/

https://nationalceliac.org/celiac-disease-questions/eating-out/

Research:

• Look up restaurants and menus online, check out our restaurant finder.
• Use an app such as Find Me Gluten-Free to find restaurants near you and read reviews.
• Call the restaurant and ask about GF options and preparation methods– off hours are best as staff may not have time to talk on a busy night.

At the restaurant:

• Alert the manager and all staff about your GF requirement, tell them it is a serious health issue – not a lifestyle choice!
• Ask for a GF menu if available.
• Use our restaurant card that explains the GF diet.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

A couple minutes research and it's not really all that difficult to figure out what to do. Most places should have options or be willing to accomodate. And there are apps to help find reviews of what places are safe or not.

https://celiac.org/gluten-free-living/dining-and-social-eating/

https://nationalceliac.org/celiac-disease-questions/eating-out/

Research:

• Look up restaurants and menus online, check out our restaurant finder.
• Use an app such as Find Me Gluten-Free to find restaurants near you and read reviews.
• Call the restaurant and ask about GF options and preparation methods– off hours are best as staff may not have time to talk on a busy night.

At the restaurant:

• Alert the manager and all staff about your GF requirement, tell them it is a serious health issue – not a lifestyle choice!
• Ask for a GF menu if available.
• Use our restaurant card that explains the GF diet.

I would say the friend should do that research after the group chooses the restaurant.  Then she can call the restaurant and/or eat before or just order something completely safe.

[rainbowsandroses]

Virtually all restaurants have meat, fish, chicken on the menu, simply order it with no sauce and lemon on the side. If they serve alcohol, they have lemon. 

A salad with no dressing and lemon and olive oil which all or most restaurants have.  Extra virgin if they have.  Salt and pepper.  Yum!

It's not difficult.

If going to a burger joint, order the burger with no seasoning and no bun.  Add salt and pepper yourself at the table.  Ketchup and most yellow mustard are gluten-free. 

But if concerned bring your own packets.  I do!  As I cannot tolerate vinegar at the moment. And no one bats an eye. 

Do research, be your own health advocate!   

I dunno personally I dislike drawing attention to myself and of course inconveniencing my friends.

Also, I asked earlier but I think we must be missing some context because celiac and/or simply choosing to go gluten free for general health reasons is so common, your friend's attitude and making it any sort of an issue and inconveniencing friends is so unnecessary.

JMO.

 

 

[ShySoul]

Should it matter who does it? Just make sure someone does. 

Why not be the friend who thinks about others and checks for someone? Shows you are thinking of them and remembering them, willing to do the extra little nice thing to make their life easier. No, it should not be expected. But does it really hurt anyone to call ahead if you are the one who is dying to go there in the first place?

I'm not big on fish. So I was really appreciative of a coworker who suggested maybe we shouldn't go to the place that only served lobster and fish dishes.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Should it matter who does it? Just make sure someone does. 

Why not be the friend who thinks about others and checks for someone? Shows you are thinking of them and remembering them, willing to do the extra little nice thing to make their life easier. No, it should not be expected. But does it really hurt anyone to call ahead if you are the one who is dying to go there in the first place?

I'm not big on fish. So I was really appreciative of a coworker who suggested maybe we shouldn't go to the place that only served lobster and fish dishes.

Because it affects an entire group of people not just a one on one dinner.  When I meet someone one on one and they have preferences I do my best but sometimes it's about convenience etc or the time I have to meet.  

Many years ago a woman from my old city moved to my new one and our friend suggested we meet.  I went out of my way to meet her in her new area which wasn't convenient to me.  She suggested this place and it was -right around the time of a huge cilantro recall and lo and behold this ethnic restaurant was like loaded with cilantro.  Very few options with no cilantro and honestly I was afraid of cross contamination.  So I was honest with her and suggested the place two doors down -kind of a burger place but with great veggie burger options (I really forget if she was vegetarian but I was mindful of that -I am not).  She I know was put off by my dietary concern and it would have been weird if I met her there for lunch and ate -nothing - with a new person.  I will say it "tainted" lol the whole meeting.  One and done.

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because it affects an entire group of people not just a one on one dinner.  When I meet someone one on one and they have preferences I do my best but sometimes it's about convenience etc or the time I have to meet.  

Wouldn't that then give more options for someone to make a call? If it's an entire group of people, all it takes is one person to take a few minutes and make a phone call to make sure the place is acceptable. Surely, unless this is a very last minute thing (as in deciding while you are already out), someone has the time to put in the effort and be considerate towards someone who is supposed to be your friend. Most people are addicted to their machines anyway. Don't imagine it takes all that much effort.

Guess my view is always to put other people's needs first, especially if those needs could be a matter of life or death. If it's slightly inconvenient for me, I can live with it. Doesn't matter the time or convenience, if I can think of someone else, I want to.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Wouldn't that then give more options for someone to make a call? If it's an entire group of people, all it takes is one person to take a few minutes and make a phone call to make sure the place is acceptable. Surely, unless this is a very last minute thing (as in deciding while you are already out), someone has the time to put in the effort and be considerate towards someone who is supposed to be your friend. Most people are addicted to their machines anyway. Don't imagine it takes all that much effort.

Guess my view is always to put other people's needs first, especially if those needs could be a matter of life or death. If it's slightly inconvenient for me, I can live with it. Doesn't matter the time or convenience, if I can think of someone else, I want to.

I mean if the group already all agreed on a place I don't think they should now have to go back to the drawing board. She doesn't have to eat anything. If it was a situation where she'd starve then for sure.  Like if they were meeting right before a long flight with no food available and food would go bad I mean sure then it gets more important.

I've done all sorts of things food related so I can participate in a social outing without being high maintenance because of dietary restrictions-I've had to - bring food for my son, eat before, eat after, order just a small plate, etc,  When I was early pregnant I had an intense craving for plain baked potatoes and also had aversions to certain foods which limited what I could eat.  I met up with family friends who required a specific type of restaurant because of religious restrictions.  They didn't have plain baked potatoes and I was feeling -weird - and nothing else appealed to me. They had grilled potatoes.  I asked for it baked instead.  The potatoes arrive grilled and greasy.  I sent them back and didn't eat. 

So after we left the restaurant I stopped off I think at a small store and purchased a yogurt maybe and a plastic spoon.  Wa la -I consumed enough to tide me over and -wa la -i spent time with them.  Should I have told the group -they have nothing here I can eat please let's all leave since I'm the one with a disability? 

I was out with a group once at a time when I often got sort of light headed if I didn't eat enough. I was feeling lightheaded and they wanted to go to a museum exhibit first to see it then go to lunch. I knew I wouldn't make it so I ducked into a small store and bought a banana.  I ate the banana on the way.  It helped me wait till we could eat a meal.  Should the whole group have changed their plans and eaten on my schedule and done the exhibit later? Should I have asked? No I shouldn't have asked because it's on me that I didn't pack a snack in case I felt that way.  Like her friend.  She has a severe dietary restriction she unfortunately deals with daily. 

She is dining with a group -and she doesn't have to attend.  Every single restaurant serves something that is completely gluten free.  A fresh fruit salad.  A plain salad with no dressing and just cut up veggies.  Add a hard boiled egg in case the grilled chicken is sauteed in a flour base.  A steamed veggie where she makes sure it is plain steamed.  Especially these days almost all restaurants have a gluten free item that is not fancy gluten free just naturally gluten free. If it's not enough food for her she can eat when she gets home.  Just like people who order stuff they don't end up liking often pick at it, take it home for their roommate and eat later so they're not a burden on their group.  

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/17/2024 at 11:14 PM, Tinydance said:

Not terribly exciting topic but I have a friend who's coeliac. So very allergic to gluten. I'm in a friendship group of like seven people. We are all good friends but some of us are closer to some other people in the group than to others. This woman C entered our friendship group about three years ago because she's a serious partner of our male friend H who I've known for ten years. We all love C but her and I aren't besties but still friends. 

Anyway so what ends up happening is if we want to check out a new restaurant or go out somewhere, usually H will begin to strongly advocate for C that because she's coeliac that we can't go there and we need to go somewhere else. Or we'll be going to a show let's say and want to get dinner beforehand and they suggest a really expensive restaurant just because it's gluten free. And normally if I organise something like dinner tonight for example, H will be like: "But is this place strictly gluten free?" Coz it needs to be not cross contaminated.

My question is, if I'm organising the event and place to eat, do I have obligation to seek out a coeliac friendly restaurant? As I said we have a group of 7 and it's only one person who's coeliac or has any dietary requirements at all. She's my friend so I don't want to act like I don't care but I also don't want to be totally ruled by it. E.g. If we all want to go out and check out a cool restaurant or bar but we can't because it's not coeliac.

My buddy who is gluten free to avoid inflammation brings her own food.  You don't have to invite H who invites C, every time, right?

If they aren't your best bud, then No.  Just let them know the place, and they can check the menu, and advocate for themselves to the waitstaff. They can also decline the invite.  It's like dealing with an alcoholic.  Either you want to give up booze yourself, or you don't invite them all the time. 

[ShySoul]

https://foodallergyinstitute.com/resources/blog/be-a-friend-to-someone-with-food-allergies/

[rainbowsandroses]

Previous post deleted....

Guys, I'm leaving this forum for a bit for personal reasons.

To everyone including those with food allergies/restrictions, mental issues, personal issues or any other type of issue please take care and be happy.

Ciao. 💛

[Tinydance]

On 9/18/2024 at 2:17 PM, SophiaG said:

I've briefly dated someone with a similar condition and eating out was very challenging. He had an app on his phone funnily called "Find me GF" to find restaurants he can eat at. The selection wasn't great and I pretty much disliked every restaurant he could go to. This is in NYC - I don't know how prevalent/good those restaurants are where you are at - but if I'm this strict with my diet restrictions that I can't even have a gluten free dish at a regular restaurant due to possible cross contamination I'd be eating at home like 99% of the time. I think it's very nice and sweet her partner finds restaurants she can enjoy and advocates for her, though as her friends the rest of you should be able to eat what you want sometimes too. Maybe she can join you before/after meal for other activities or she can eat beforehand and just hang out with you at the restaurant.

I know my friend looks up a website of strictly gluten free restaurants in our city. But I'm not actually sure if there's an app. We live in a big city of about six million people. Usually most restaurants, especially in the city and inner suburbs, will have a couple or a few "gluten free" options. But my friend C says that if they cook the gluten food on the same equipment as the gluten free food, the food can still get contaminated with gluten.

From the way she's described it, if she eats gluten she feels very sick. Headaches, nausea, fatigue. Just feeling very off. So what I'm actually not sure about is if it's more like a paranoia that the food "might" have a small trace of gluten in it or the tiny trace of gluten actually dies make her really sick. I mean, I imagine even with normal food, you'd wash the fry pan, bench top, stove top in the restaurant after cooking each food. Like, you wouldn't cook a dish and not clean it and just cook a completely different dish over the top of it. So to be honest I'm actually a bit confused how the gluten "gets in". That's why I wasn't sure if it's more paranoia. But I actually have no idea about this because I'm not allergic to gluten myself and I've never worked in hospitality at all.

[Tinydance]

On 9/22/2024 at 4:19 AM, ShySoul said:

Should it matter who does it? Just make sure someone does. 

Why not be the friend who thinks about others and checks for someone? Shows you are thinking of them and remembering them, willing to do the extra little nice thing to make their life easier. No, it should not be expected. But does it really hurt anyone to call ahead if you are the one who is dying to go there in the first place?

I'm not big on fish. So I was really appreciative of a coworker who suggested maybe we shouldn't go to the place that only served lobster and fish dishes.

Yes see this is the dilemma I have. On one hand I actually agree with your comment that I need to be a good friend and look out for my friends. And I totally understand that being coeliac isn't even a choice like for example having religious dietary requirements because they choose to follow the religion. Or someone who chooses to be vegan. 

However what's starting to get to me is the fact that every time we go out, it's basically completely ruled by the fact our friend is coeliac. It happened again literally just now.

Our other friend loves this Mediterranean restaurant and she kept inviting us to go back there. Some people in our group said they don't want to go back there. I think because it's expensive. So the people that wanted to go there again was R (organiser), H and myself. R made the reservation. Then she said C decided she wants to come out with us. But the Mediterranean restaurant doesn't have non contaminated/no gluten free. So R said we will all arrive like 45 minutes earlier and we'll go to a fish and chips place a few doors down. The fish and chips place has strictly gluten free. So R said C will eat there and we will just sit there and then we'll go to the Mediterranean place and C will just sit there.

Like I don't know if it's just me but to me that seems kind of stupid? Our reservation was for the Mediterranean restaurant so if it's not gluten free then why did C say she wants to come? Why are we now also going to the fish and chips when C could just sit this one out and not go? I don't mind trying to be accommodating but what I'm talking about is every time C wants to come, sometimes we were already going to a particular place. Then all of a sudden we're also going somewhere else or we change the restaurant entirely. What I think the issue is that R and H are strong advocates that we completely accommodate C. So I'm obviously a bit outnumbered because it seems to bother me more than them.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Our reservation was for the Mediterranean restaurant so if it's not gluten free then why did C say she wants to come? Why are we now also going to the fish and chips when C could just sit this one out and not go?

But she can go and just have a beverage or tea.  I've done that if people want to meet at a place there's little for me to eat -like all fried food - or at a time where I know unless I snack a lot which I hate to do I'll feel sick from being overly hungry.  

I have friends over the years who keep strictly kosher.  So if we meet for a meal it is at a kosher restaurant.  I dislike most of those restaurants but if it's one person then for sure.  I had a coworker who was strictly kosher and our boss would take us out for lunches and dinners - so either he'd eat before or after or not go and then my boss would rotate the restaurant choices so we'd do kosher for him once in awhile.   I have vegan and vegetarian friends and we go where there are options (very easy!) and yes I ask if they also dislike being around someone who is eating meat.  Often I just don't order meat -no biggie!

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Previous post deleted....

Guys, I'm leaving this forum for a bit for personal reasons.

To everyone including those with food allergies/restrictions, mental issues, personal issues or any other type of issue please take care and be happy.

Ciao. 💛

OK good luck and see you when/if you come back. Thanks for your input 🙂

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

My buddy who is gluten free to avoid inflammation brings her own food.  You don't have to invite H who invites C, every time, right?

If they aren't your best bud, then No.  Just let them know the place, and they can check the menu, and advocate for themselves to the waitstaff. They can also decline the invite.  It's like dealing with an alcoholic.  Either you want to give up booze yourself, or you don't invite them all the time. 

Yeah honestly I thought C would just not come out if she can't eat at the restaurant. But it always turns into that she's coming and we need to change the place or we can only go to a gluten free place. Personally I think she should just decline the invitation but I guess that makes me the a - hole.