Coeliac friend

[Tinydance]

Not terribly exciting topic but I have a friend who's coeliac. So very allergic to gluten. I'm in a friendship group of like seven people. We are all good friends but some of us are closer to some other people in the group than to others. This woman C entered our friendship group about three years ago because she's a serious partner of our male friend H who I've known for ten years. We all love C but her and I aren't besties but still friends. 

Anyway so what ends up happening is if we want to check out a new restaurant or go out somewhere, usually H will begin to strongly advocate for C that because she's coeliac that we can't go there and we need to go somewhere else. Or we'll be going to a show let's say and want to get dinner beforehand and they suggest a really expensive restaurant just because it's gluten free. And normally if I organise something like dinner tonight for example, H will be like: "But is this place strictly gluten free?" Coz it needs to be not cross contaminated.

My question is, if I'm organising the event and place to eat, do I have obligation to seek out a coeliac friendly restaurant? As I said we have a group of 7 and it's only one person who's coeliac or has any dietary requirements at all. She's my friend so I don't want to act like I don't care but I also don't want to be totally ruled by it. E.g. If we all want to go out and check out a cool restaurant or bar but we can't because it's not coeliac.

[SophiaG]

I've briefly dated someone with a similar condition and eating out was very challenging. He had an app on his phone funnily called "Find me GF" to find restaurants he can eat at. The selection wasn't great and I pretty much disliked every restaurant he could go to. This is in NYC - I don't know how prevalent/good those restaurants are where you are at - but if I'm this strict with my diet restrictions that I can't even have a gluten free dish at a regular restaurant due to possible cross contamination I'd be eating at home like 99% of the time. I think it's very nice and sweet her partner finds restaurants she can enjoy and advocates for her, though as her friends the rest of you should be able to eat what you want sometimes too. Maybe she can join you before/after meal for other activities or she can eat beforehand and just hang out with you at the restaurant.

[Cherylyn]

C is unreasonable.  No,  you're not obligated to choose a coeliac friendly restaurant.  I agree with @SophiaG.  C should eat before dining out so she won't be an imposition on the rest of the group.  Or, she should bring snacks or her own food to eat so she's not hungry when the majority prefers to eat out at a restaurant of their choosing including when you organize dining out.  It's unfair to accommodate C due to her very strict dietary restrictions.  It ruins it for everyone.

[ShySoul]

It feels like everything is advertised as gluten free these days. Perhaps call ahead and see if the place has safe options and can guarantee no cross contamination. Do the extra homework to read reviews and see if people with the same condition feel the place is safe. Its more work, but given how serious these conditions can be, its important. Was just hearing of a person who died because they ate something they were assured was safe for their allergy.

Otherwise, if I was them I would eat at home to be safe and meet up for an activity after. Or go with you but not eat. If it was casual enough, would even bring something myself, so I could control what I was eating.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

C is unreasonable.  No,  you're not obligated to choose a coeliac friendly restaurant.  I agree with @SophiaG.  C should eat before dining out so she won't be an imposition on the rest of the group.  Or, she should bring snacks or her own food to eat so she's not hungry when the majority prefers to eat out at a restaurant of their choosing including when you organize dining out.  It's unfair to accommodate C due to her very strict dietary restrictions.  It ruins it for everyone.

I agree.  I'm allergic to nothing (except I will not eat raw fish or meat) but sometimes I don't want to eat out anymore - for various reasons including post-pandemic consequences with shortage of staff/substandard service etc.  So instead of insisting we not eat out or eat somwhere different I'll simply eat before and get a water or whatever and socialize. As long as no one comments more than offhandedly it works for me.  With such a large group she hopefully will understand and either order something safe or eat before/after.

[Starlight925]

It's not only an unreasonable request to require you to find a completely GF restaurant, it borders on controlling and annoying.

My SIL has been hospitalized with Celiac.  It's a serious condition, and we make sure that any food we make is not cross-contaminated, etc.  Separate plates for GF crackers, for example, separate spreader knives for dips.

She is otherwise in control of how she orders at restaurant, and she & my brother eat out multiple times a week.  She simply views the menu beforehand and double-checks with the wait staff, and enjoys her meal.

No one has ever "requested" that we find a GF restaurant, in fact, she travels with her own food just in case.  GF bread, etc.  We laugh at all the stuff she carries in her large purse.

H is protective at best, out of line at worst.

[Coily]

If C were willing to find a reasonable accommodation in terms of restaurant it would be okay. But she's clearly just wanting to have her way.

An ex had celiacs and she went to Applebee's of all places. So I think most places aren't going to risk being sued due to cross contamination. 

So C and H need to tone it back.

[BeatPoet]

In my opinion, people with special diets have to take care of themselves and not subject others to keep to their restrictions (this is one reason why I date vegetarians, but not vegans). 

As a courtesy you might look for a restaurant that can handle a gluten-free diet customer, but if the restaurant can't, maybe C should either eat beforehand and take a salad or something, or bring her own food (a restaurant would normally have problems with people eating food they bring, but they have to allow for allergies if they can't serve her dietary necessities). Especially when you're dining with a group, and she will still consume their beverages.

Another thing you can do is to not include C (and H) when you and the rest of the group want to experiment and try out new restaurants. Or skip dinner and just have drinks together with some tapas or something. 

C's dietary needs are her responsibility, not yours or the rest of the group. 

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  I'm allergic to nothing (except I will not eat raw fish or meat) but sometimes I don't want to eat out anymore - for various reasons including post-pandemic consequences with shortage of staff/substandard service etc.  So instead of insisting we not eat out or eat somewhere different I'll simply eat before and get a water or whatever and socialize. As long as no one comments more than offhandedly it works for me.  With such a large group she hopefully will understand and either order something safe or eat before/after.

I'm a very picky eater.  I generally eat prior to any event so I'm not starving by the time we meet friends or family for dine out meals or any type of occasion at their houses.  I'm not allergic to anything either so I'll order something I can eat and if I can't finish it,  I'll take it home for the next day's lunch.  If potluck type festivities are at houses,  I eat what I want only.  I don't receive comments either.