Seeking Advice on Girlfriend's Jealousy, Hypocrisy, and Sexual Past.

[Gary137]

Hi all,

 

I am posting in the hope of getting some advice on how to handle a couple of issues with my girlfriend, specifically in regard to her jealousy and sexual past. In fact, it might be said that neither of these are themselves the primary issue but rather, when taken in conjunction with one another, I find myself getting angry at the levels of hypocrisy involved.

 

So, for a bit of background, I have been seeing this girl for approximately a year (seriously for about 6 months after my divorce was finalized) and things are, by and large, really good. We communicate well, we resolve disagreements maturely, we have loads of fun and the sex is phenomenal. If she and I lived on a desert island together, I really don’t think we’d have any concerns whatsoever.

 

But of course, we don’t live on a desert island. Instead, we live in a relatively small US town where she was born and where I moved to from the UK (in order to be with my now ex-wife). As mentioned, things were going great, a world away from what my marriage had been, however, almost as soon as my divorce was granted, my girlfriend began exhibiting periodic displays of intense jealousy whenever I interacted with other women. And to make it clear, there was no reasonable justification for such behavior. Aside from the fact these were entirely innocent exchanges, my girlfriend knows I am a strictly monogamous guy. I mean, if I’m with someone, I don’t look at porn, check out other women, or anything like that, and I certainly wouldn’t be actively trying to cheat.

 

A relevant point is that my girlfriend has experienced significant trauma throughout her life, including infidelity on her the part of her ex-husband, and these episodes, always under the influence of alcohol, were unquestionably a consequence of that. I really don’t believe I’m defending her uncritically, although I think it only fair to acknowledge that mental health is definitely a relevant factor. To her credit, my girlfriend does not use this as an excuse for anything and is proactive and diligent in trying to keep on top of her issues. She has always apologized for the incidents afterward. In fact, these bouts of jealousy have begun decreasing in both frequency and intensity, and I know I would be able to put them behind us had I not recently discovered the extent of her hypocrisy.

 

So, in the earlier stages of our relationship, my girlfriend made numerous comments that strongly suggested that she had a rather more liberal attitude to sex than myself. For the record, I wouldn’t have ever brought this up with her had it not been for the sheer volume of such remarks and eventually, with as little judgment as possible, I broached the topic with her. Sure enough, her sexual past sounds pretty significant, however, my primary concern wasn’t so much about number of partners as whether I had to interact with any of them on a regular basis. There were several I had met briefly, however, I was shocked to learn that one individual is actually very close with my girlfriend, often hanging out together whenever I’m not there. Indeed, throughout our relationship, the three of us have gone out to dinner or to the bar together many times while my girlfriend even got him to play on my darts team. I had always detected a vaguely flirtatious tone between them, with my girlfriend several times commenting how handsome he was and other vaguely inappropriate remarks, but it never really bothered me prior to knowing what I know now.

 

For what it’s worth, theirs was solely a friends-with-benefits type scenario, an arrangement which ended when she found out that he was lying about not having a girlfriend at the time. Nevertheless, despite this breach of trust, she continued being (platonic) friends with him while since then, he did a little time in prison, during which they kept in regular contact. When he got out, they again met up, with him making a pass at her. Needless to say, this has confirmed to me that he is a *** who I no longer want anything to do with but still, she continues to be his friend.

 

So, what do you think? Is my girlfriend expecting too much from me to be OK with her keeping this guy a regular part of her life? Should she have told me about their past earlier? Her hypocrisy seems extremely disrespectful, especially when you consider that it began when I was still dealing with the fallout from a protracted, intensely traumatic divorce, but I’m not sure whether this alone a big enough issue to consider ending the relationship?

 

Apologies if the answer appears obvious to everyone but given my history with women and a tendency to allow myself to be walked over, I would really appreciate some other perspectives. Thanks.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Sounds like the both of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation.

Explain your ideas and expectations and see if they match hers.

[SophiaG]

What's the nature of the interactions that she got jealous over?

If she's keeping a past fwb still in her orbit, she could think you are doing the same. You two need to set clear boundaries regarding opposite sex friends/past partners and those same boundaries should apply to both of you.

[Tinydance]

This might sound irrelevant but what was the friend in jail for? I think it might affect my opinion even further on whether she should continue being friends with him or not lol

[Gary137]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

What's the nature of the interactions that she got jealous over?

If she's keeping a past fwb still in her orbit, she could think you are doing the same. You two need to set clear boundaries regarding opposite sex friends/past partners and those same boundaries should apply to both of you.

Truthfully, they were the most obviously innocuous interactions you could imagine. She has gotten jealous when I have talked to women who were literally twice my age, who had fairly obvious learning disabilities, or even just random ladies I have made eye contact with on the street. It really is a level of jealousy I have never so much as witnessed before, let alone borne the brunt of. These incidents have frequently happened in front of friends and the universal consensus is that my girlfriend is being colossally unreasonable, something she freely admits to the next day, after her emotions have run their course.

 

As I mentioned, I got together with my girlfriend while going through a lengthy and highly combative divorce. Prior to that, I had only immigrated to the US in order to be with my then wife. My girlfriend knows that there has been no one else during this time and besides, I'm pretty sure she knows that I'm not really a friends-with-benefits kind of guy.

[Gary137]

59 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

This might sound irrelevant but what was the friend in jail for? I think it might affect my opinion even further on whether she should continue being friends with him or not lol

I think it's a fair point. He was incarcerated for possession of drugs, not his first offence. And to be fair, I really don't think the guy is a scumbag or anything, at least not in a violent criminal sense.

[SophiaG]

21 minutes ago, Gary137 said:

These incidents have frequently happened in front of friends and the universal consensus is that my girlfriend is being colossally unreasonable, something she freely admits to the next day, after her emotions have run their course.

If you and your gf cannot agree to a reasonable set of rules regarding interactions with the opposite sex and your gf keeps apologizing (did she even apologize?) but repeating the same behavior I'm afraid you are not compatible or she's not ready for a relationship. She needs to properly heal from previous betrayals and learn to not let those fears dominate her emotions and new relationship.

[MissCanuck]

She is projecting. 

She knows what she is like with other men, and she fears you do the same thing. She keeps a former fling in her life and she also cheated on her ex. Great track record there.

I would stronly advise you re-consider dating this person. She doesn't respect you much if she thinks you're the type to cheat (and makes a scene about it in front of others), her hypocritical behaviour is a serious red flag, and she just sounds like a headache who hasn't dealt with (or learned from) her past. 

Up to you, but I'd raise my standards and find someone whose moral compass is intact and who treats you and the relationship with much more respect. This woman? She ain't it, man. 

[Morello]

She does have a 'great' track record of cheating and deceiving, and continues to flirt with an ex-fling right in front of you. Huge disrespect. Not sure what value you're seeing in staying in this relationship. 

Have you been cheated on in your previous relationship, or what was it that made it very traumatic on your end? 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Gary137 said:

Her hypocrisy seems extremely disrespectful

Its more of a projection. She knows she isnt most faithful so she thinks everybody else, including you, arent as well. It has nothing to do with your behavior, you could be Jesus Christ yourself and you would still be accused of those stuff.

6 hours ago, Gary137 said:

but I’m not sure whether this alone a big enough issue to consider ending the relationship?

Oh yeah, it is. Having your ex in your life is a red flag. Having your ex, who you still flirt with, is a red flag the size of a communist China. She has no boundaries regarding that. If you would tell her that you are bothered by it, she would just brushed it off and made you the bad guy because of it. You are not required to accept something like this when it comes to a relationship. When its clear things really arent as she portrays and that there is a big risk of them hooking up behind your back.

[Andrina]

Did you notice that she didn't begin her sabotaging behavior of jealousy until you were free and clear from marriage? And though she says she didn't know her previous FWB had a gf, you don't know if she's being truthful. People who take up with taken people like it that way. They don't want to put in the serious work, effort, and live in the bounds of normal ethics an exclusive relationship requires.

When you left the traumatic end to your marriage, it would've been beneficial for you to take a good year solo before starting up with another woman. Give yourself time to become fulfilled solo with friendships, hobbies, and alone time to be in a better mindset to choose the next partner wisely. I'd make yourself free from yet another toxic relationship and do just that. Better late than never.

[smackie9]

Sorry there is no excuse for her behavior. She is who she has shown you to be. Exit this relationship. Not worth the trauma to you. It's only been a year and now you are struggling to find peace after a divorce. I get it, you want to move on, and the first thing that comes along on the menu, you think is a perfect one to start this new chapter. I suggest you be more cautious in what you get yourself into. If it gets bad like this, don't be a fixer because you don't want to be alone. 

[tattoobunnie]

There's a reason why they say wait to date a full year after the divorce has been finalized.  You don't see clearly. You are just filling the void, whether positive or negative attention.  Abusive people don't let their freak flag fly until they know they have you.  So it could be a momentous event like moving in, getting married, having a kid, finalizing your divorce (ahem).

I would tell her she needs to work on your own insecurities, and that there is no room for her ex-FWB in your relationship together.  But if it were me, I'd be turned off having to walk on egg shells trying to convince this person who's using it as ammo to get what they want.  She's a tosser.