Need some advice on how to proceed

[Dragoncdf]

Ok this girl I met at work we started talking about a month ago. We went out to eat and back to my house to talk. She’s been to my house several times now and we hang out all the time. We recently went to the movies. We spend one of my breaks at work together and when I get off I hang out with her at work for an hour. We talk all the time on the phone. She calls me sweetie and we hug. The other day she talked about wanting to work out and called herself fat and I told her she wasn’t fat she was beautiful. That made her smile. When I tell her people are asking if we are a couple she says friends. One time she said friends for now. Do you think she wants more than friends? I feel like she does but I’ve been wrong before. How should I proceed?

[Cherylyn]

Treat her as a friend.  Continue being a real gentleman,  mind your manners and respect her stance. 

Since you work together,  think of the future should a relationship with her go awry.  Then you still work together and it will be awkward and uncomfortable.  🤨

Remaining friends or better yet as acquaintances is safer as long as you work together.

If you want more than friendship,  it's risky especially with a colleague.  Best to pump the brakes by remaining professional yet cordial without getting chummy,  no more "friendlies" outside the work environment and be wise.  🫢

[Andrina]

You two have different relationship goals so this will not work. In your shoes, I'd go back to being pleasant co-workers and let her know for your own good, no more hanging out. Why? No potential date you have will be comfortable with this "friendship" you have with her. It'll be a one-side emotional affair which will be holding you back from bonding with someone who's available to you to date.

To answer your question, words and action have to match. She's a touchy-feely friend who probably said friends for now to spare your feelings, but she's doing you no favors to not be clear-cut.

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, be up front and call it a date.

 

She declines, there you go.

[ShySoul]

You never actually said what your feelings are about her. 

Do you like her? Do you want a relationship? If so, why wait? Take a chance and see what could happen. If you don't then be honest with her and let her know it's just a friendship. 

Either way, honesty is the best policy. It usually is.

And everything you have been doing so far has worked well. You've been nice, complimented her. She clearly enjoys being around you. So just keep doing what you are doing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[Batya33]

On 9/17/2024 at 6:52 PM, Dragoncdf said:

Ok this girl I met at work we started talking about a month ago. We went out to eat and back to my house to talk. She’s been to my house several times now and we hang out all the time. We recently went to the movies. We spend one of my breaks at work together and when I get off I hang out with her at work for an hour. We talk all the time on the phone. She calls me sweetie and we hug. The other day she talked about wanting to work out and called herself fat and I told her she wasn’t fat she was beautiful. That made her smile. When I tell her people are asking if we are a couple she says friends. One time she said friends for now. Do you think she wants more than friends? I feel like she does but I’ve been wrong before. How should I proceed?

I'd ask her if she still feels that way about friends for now.  And be careful about the fishing for compliments thing - don't compliment her looks if she wants friends for now -she doesn't really deserve it. 

[LootieTootie]

Who cares what she thinks or feels. You need to put yourself first. if you have feelings for her that's more than just friends, then you need to cut this off. She isn't being clear with you. If someone tells you "Just friends" one day and the next day "just friends for now" they'll pulling your strings. And if you asked her twice about this, then something tells me you are wanting it to be more than friends and thats not good.

I've always felt that people should never mix business with pleasure. Once you do, and things don't work out, you will see this person and be reminded of their baggage, your baggage, your shortcomings, bad memories, etc. Business is to get away from your personal life but when you can't even get that, it can really affect your job and your performance at it. Any way, I digress.

Please think about this - do you like her more than a friend? If yes, I would stop these "bf/gf functions" with her, and see what she says or do. It could very well be she just like the attention.

Some people love attention from the opposite sex even if they don't very much care for the person that is giving them the attention.

[ShySoul]

On 9/17/2024 at 3:52 PM, Dragoncdf said:

One time she said friends for now.

For some people it takes time. Some people need to grow close to you first, be friends and really take the time to know they can trust you and open up to you. It can be a gradual process, slowly opening themselves to the possibility of more or allowing the thoughts to come. And you get there by simply being a friend and being nice to her.

She might not even know herself what she is feeling. She might just know that she enjoys being around you and feels comfortable with you. There might be feelings developing, but she doesn't know yet what they mean or how serious she thinks it is. She might even be asking these same questions on some other board.

If you really like her and feel like you have to say something, come clean and get it in the open. If you are okay with things as they are, then don't change a thing. Whatever the two of you are doing is working. You are both enjoying your time together. That's the most important part. So have fun with it and let things progress how they are supposed to. When the time is right for this to be more (should it reach that point), you'll know. Until then, don't try any games to get to what she is thinking. And when that time is right, seize it.

[AuthenticSelf]

So, she viewed you as friend but you think she is more than friend, is that the situation? 

[BeaTlesFan77]

The huge question I have.  Do you work in the same department/building or separate ones?  

[smackie9]

When a woman is romantically interested or attracted to you she doesn't use the friend word. 

[ShySoul]

Multiple women have told me I was a great friend or that they were glad we were friends. Heavy flirting and signs of interest followed. And eventually came the admission of feelings between us. One even said she wanted to fall in love with her best friend and said to a friend she wasn't sure about romantic feelings for me, but that she thought we could be friends forever. Turns out there was romance coming. Being a friend isn't a death sentence that excludes the possibility of more.

What counts is the overall pattern of behavior. And all signs indicate she is at least considering the possibilities. 

And I'd say to key in on the "for now." It just might take some time for her to be sure and/or ready.

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Multiple women have told me I was a great friend or that they were glad we were friends. Heavy flirting and signs of interest followed. And eventually came the admission of feelings between us. One even said she wanted to fall in love with her best friend and said to a friend she wasn't sure about romantic feelings for me, but that she thought we could be friends forever. Turns out there was romance coming. Being a friend isn't a death sentence that excludes the possibility of more.

What counts is the overall pattern of behavior. And all signs indicate she is at least considering the possibilities. 

And I'd say to key in on the "for now." It just might take some time for her to be sure and/or ready.

I think with rare exception a person who uses the friend word then flirts does so because they want the flirting and romantic interest and the lovey dovey stuff but they don't view the person as long term/serious relationship material - and perhaps don't want to lead the other person on.  Or they've been burned so they do the whole "friends first" thing because they compartmentalize sex/romance as something completely apart from friendship and that creates too many potential complications as opposed to joy. 

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry but if with all your interactions, time spent together and long conversations she knows if she likes likes you or just likes you. 

 It sounds like she is using terms like friends for now to keep you in rotation just in case something better never comes around.  Don't be a plan B or C because you will waste a lot of precious time.

 I have seen this with a few friends and it NEVER went their way.  They would bring girls/women to events, BBQ's or what ever and act like a couple but they were not a romantic couple.  In the end my guy friends always got sick of waiting and finally faded away from the women.  One guy went through it 3 times before he learned. 

 Best advice is to begin to distance yourself from her.  Be friends, hang out once in a while but don't be so available.  Cut convos short, leave earlier than you normally would and be more aloof. This does two things:  It breaks this cycle of you hanging around hoping she changes her mind (stuff for movies) and it gets you distance so you can live your life and meet someone that is interested in you right away, not someone you have to convince to like like you.  If she is on the fence (which I doubt) you backing away just might get her attention as well.  If she thinks you will always be there waiting she has zero incentive to move this from friendship to something more but if she thinks you may just get away...

 It sounds like you are pretty heavily invested in her and have feelings for her but waiting around for them to be reciprocated when she clearly has said "friends" is not a good idea.  Basically listen to what she said, not what you hope might possibly could maybe happen.

 It sucks I know

Lost

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think with rare exception a person who uses the friend word then flirts does so because they want the flirting and romantic interest and the lovey dovey stuff but they don't view the person as long term/serious relationship material - and perhaps don't want to lead the other person on.  Or they've been burned so they do the whole "friends first" thing because they compartmentalize sex/romance as something completely apart from friendship and that creates too many potential complications as opposed to joy. 

I must be a magnet for finding the rare exceptions then as I can recall a half dozen off the top of my head that wanted friends first not as something separate, but as a prelude to become comfortable with the thought of being more. And some of those did become much more with me. They wanted the lovey dovey and saw me as long term potential. They were honest and didn't lead me on, saying they had feelings but needed time. And they saw friendship as something that only added to romance/sex/love. It creates more joy, not just complications. They agreed with me that the best relationship at its core is a really deep and intense friendship.

Probably underestimating that number. That would be women who showed an rewarding in being friends first with me. Add in the times I've seen it with others, would be quite higher. And its also lead to marriage, in one case of nearly 25 years. 

Friends first is a viable pathway that has nothing to do with being burned or separating feelings. It genuinely is how a lot of people prefer to find their soulmate. And it is remarkable rewarding, freeing, and inspiring.

[ShySoul]

What counts here is how the two of you feel. Strangers online can't tell you how she feels based on a brief paragraph. You are the one spending time with her. Look at how she acts, the way she looks at you, the sound of her voice when she speaks to you. Do you have fun together, feel a connection with each other? Do you get that awesome tingly feeling of joy around each other? 

That's your answer. If you feel it, good chance there is more to it. If everyone around you is picking up on it, good chance something is there. And if you feel it, you owe it to yourself that to explore this. Wouldn't your friends, people who actually know two of you, be a better judge of what is going on?

Cut back now, you will never know for sure. You will have to live your whole life wondering if it was the right call or if something else could have happened. Wouldn't you rather take a risk and know one way or the other?

And this has been an interesting psychological test. Very little actually said on the first post. Many variations on how people interpreted it. Says a lot about how those responding view relationships as a whole based upon their life experiences. Some saw potential and hope, others saw dangers. No way to know who us right here, but interesting nonetheless.

[CaroBliss]

The connection between you two is very strong. Her calling you “sweetie” and sharing personal thoughts could indicate deeper feelings. To delve into this, consider having an open conversation about your feelings and intentions.

You might say something like, “I really enjoy our time together and wonder if you see us as more than friends.” This could help clarify the ultimate direction of your relationship. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

but as a prelude to become comfortable with the thought of being more. And some of those did become much more with me. They wanted the lovey dovey and saw me as long term potential. They were honest and didn't lead me on, saying they had feelings but needed time. And they saw friendship as something that only added to romance/sex/love. It creates more joy, not just complications. They agreed with me that the best relationship at its core is a really deep and intense friendship.

Yes you're not an exception necessarily it's simply that I never had enough in common with someone who needed that amount of time and for those reasons -who needed to "become comfortable with the thought of being more" -that would be very near a dealbreaker for me for a potential marriage or even long term relationship. 

I agree with your last sentence entirely and I would develop that during dating -not separately and I disliked the notion of needing to develop it first or separately -never sat right with me.  Also they saw you as long term potential and with respect it did not become long term, correct? I also think you were fine with that because you had your own fears or concerns about whether and how to be with someone in a long term serious committed romantic relationship.  

I know of marriages that began where two friends realized they wanted to marry each other -my friend's dad passed away on the younger side and her mom who had loved her husband so very much later married her brother in law -her husband's sister's husband - (sister had passed away) and they'd been friends for many years and went on to have a great romantic marriage. 

A few of my now husband's friends advised him to "wait" before asking me to get back together - but the plan had been for him to leave town again for months (which ended up not happening - because of fate lol -an externa; situation that kept him in my city for months) -had he listened to them to "wait" and see how we got along as long distance friends - I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be married -even if we'd discussed the potential -had we not acted on it I'd have continued looking to date so I could  find the right person to marry and while I would have understood that he was hesitant based on our past colossal failure years earlier, we were 38 and 39 (me), both wanted marriage and family and it was time to you know s___ or get off the pot and choose each other over "fear" or over some prelude phase to be "comfortable."  Q

uite often -and it's a spectrum and range of course -dating and romantic relationships if the people are serious minded require a leap of faith/getting out of your comfort zone.  Which we did. Many times -the day we got back together and many many times since.  I needed to be with someone who chose being with me over hesitancy.  Again all context -we didn't have sex for the first couple of months -we waited for both emotional and practical reasons - but we made the decision to face our fears -together - and not wait around to "get comfortable" and let life and potential for a future together pass us by perhaps entirely.  JMHO.  That was in summer 2005. 

I don't doubt you had romantic relationships with those particular women but as much as they said they saw long term potential it sounds like it didn't happen and my sense is because the initial fears showed they weren't ready and "waiting" perhaps didn't do the trick?

[The Shark101]

On 9/18/2024 at 8:22 AM, Dragoncdf said:
Ok this girl I met at work we started talking about a month ago. We went out to eat and back to my house to talk. She’s been to my house several times now and we hang out all the time. We recently went to the movies. We spend one of my breaks at work together and when I get off I hang out with her at work for an hour. We talk all the time on the phone. She calls me sweetie and we hug. The other day she talked about wanting to work out and called herself fat and I told her she wasn’t fat she was beautiful. That made her smile. When I tell her people are asking if we are a couple she says friends. One time she said friends for now. Do you think she wants more than friends? I feel like she does but I’ve been wrong before. How should I proceed?

Man, you didn't behave like a man so you lost your chance. 
What do you think, she come to your place few times , to play hide and seek???? She was generous and gave you few chances and you didn't take any of them. 
 So you were placed at the "Friend only "  box and transferred to the barn frozen "Friend zone" land, which is like the Russian gulag in the Arctic, never to escape. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/24/2024 at 3:43 AM, Batya33 said:

I don't doubt you had romantic relationships with those particular women but as much as they said they saw long term potential it sounds like it didn't happen and my sense is because the initial fears showed they weren't ready and "waiting" perhaps didn't do the trick?

One I have remained close to for nearly 20 years. We still love each other. Just because it hasn't lead to marriage, doesn't make it any less romantic, any less real, or any less valuable. It is still a love story and a very deep, meaningfull and lasting love, one that has endured for much longer then the vast majority of dating relationships ever will.

Waiting and being friends is never about doing the trick. It's never about trying to get with someone. It's about letting nature take its course. It's about doing the right thing and simply being a friend to someone, getting along with them and being happy to simple be in each others presence. There are so many factors that go into that relationship working, and so many you can't control. So don't try to. Just be a friend because being a friend is simply the right thing to do. 

I have experienced deep, passionate love. And I have never had to step outside of a comfort zone. Love and relationships shouldn't be about doing what makes you uncomfortable. It should flow naturally exactly because the person makes you comfortable. And who are you more comfortable with then a friend?

Be a friend. Don't think, don't try. It works out wonderfully and saves you a lot of time and stress. With the right person, you barely have to do a thing other then what you would naturally do.

On 9/24/2024 at 6:24 PM, The Shark101 said:

Man, you didn't behave like a man so you lost your chance. 

Spending hours together, going to movies, being called pet names, her going to his place, hugs... such a lost chance. No woman interested in a relationship with a man would ever do these things. Complimenting her, spending time with her, being a friend who is there to listen to her.... clearly no man who is in or interested in a relationship would do any of these things. 🙄

@Dragoncdf You've done everything right. You've been a real man and a real friend. She has responded well. There is no guarantee anything will happen, there never is. But you've done well and you have a chance. Don't let the naysayers convince you otherwise. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

One I have remained close to for nearly 20 years. We still love each other. Just because it hasn't lead to marriage, doesn't make it any less romantic, any less real, or any less valuable. It is still a love story and a very deep, meaningfull and lasting love, one that has endured for much longer then the vast majority of dating relationships ever will.

Not marriage -I am  talking about whether it became a romantic committed relationship which is the general topic here. Obviously two people can have loving and  romantic feelings for each other without dating, without being in any sort of relationship - I had a radio crush on a certain radio host in my city and it was fun to have those feelings and to listen to him on the radio.  Those feelings were real and have nothing to do with being in any sort of romantic relationship or wanting to. I didn't. 

For sure close friends can be like a love story or be a love story. I'm giving contextual responses -in this thread we're talking about whether romantic feelings for another person can or should lead to dating that person, can or should lead to being in a committed romantic relationship - not just whether they are friends with loving feelings, whether they create a long term love story together, whether  they interact for years by flirting and expressing love and or romantic feelings. This thread isn't about that. If it were for sure I'd agree with you.  To date someone, to be in a committed romantic relationship you need to have that be in person on a fairly regular basis, you need to not be in romantic relationships with others (this thread also isn't about open relationships so we don't need to go there).

Your expansive view is lovely in a general sense of how people interact.  I don't find it relevant to what the OP is asking or considering.  And I think it takes it off track and encourages some notion that if two people interact and have romantic feelings it's a romantic relationship or a committed romantic relationship whether they meet in person or otherwise. I don't think that's true in any factual way.  And to me it devalues romantic relationships and dating and how people invest in those especially serious minded people.  It also devalues what two people put into a healthy, stable committed romantic relationship or marriage.

  Obviously two people flirting or expressing love or expressing romantic or sexual feelings need not go anywhere - and if that was the OP's question I'd say - sure - have fun, enjoy interacting by doing that.  But that's not this thread. And yes I think it matters a great deal. I think it matters whether being friends with romantic feelings works for a person - to me with rare exception if the feelings are strong if the attraction is strong no it cannot work in a healthy way -it can work for two unhealthy people, for a person who wants to play with fire if that person is married or committed elsewhere - but with rare exception most people cannot be present in a healthy way for a friend they are highly attracted to when that friend finds a partner.  And it's not fair to the friend's partner either.  

Many here summed up how I feel and I will choose Andrina's: "You two have different relationship goals so this will not work. In your shoes, I'd go back to being pleasant co-workers and let her know for your own good, no more hanging out. Why? No potential date you have will be comfortable with this "friendship" you have with her. It'll be a one-side emotional affair which will be holding you back from bonding with someone who's available to you to date."

And that is because the OP is looking to date with potential for a relationship and won't be satisfied with a 20 year love story involving a person where there are reciprocal romantic feelings and no dating and no potential for a romantic relationship - a relationship that the OP seems to want not a love story sort of friendship or interaction.

[Tinydance]

Hmm....I think if you want to wait a bit longer just in case "for now" will turn into something more, you can wait a bit. But my advice is don't wait too long. Maybe a couple or a few weeks at most. She's been spending enough time with you to know if she likes you or not. You have no guarantee she'll ever change her mind so don't wait around too long. If she's not sure about you now, treat it as a "no". If she doesn't want to jump at the chance now, that's it, no second offers. You snooze, you lose lol

[yogacat]

You also work together  ... and she has said she wasn't interested in being anything more than friends at this time, so proceed slowly and with caution.

Friends for now means friends for now. 

I like developing something more over time myself but her saying friends for now means she's not 100% sure yet, or she is sure and she has already decided that friends is what she wants. 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And that is because the OP is looking to date with potential for a relationship and won't be satisfied with a 20 year love story involving a person where there are reciprocal romantic feelings and no dating and no potential for a romantic relationship - a relationship that the OP seems to want not a love story sort of friendship or interaction.

On 9/17/2024 at 3:52 PM, Dragoncdf said:

Do you think she wants more than friends? I feel like she does but I’ve been wrong before. How should I proceed?

Actually, nothing in his post indicates he did want more. He asked how to proceed. For all any of us knows he might not be interested and might be figuring out how to handle a person who likes him and with whom he doesn't have feelings for. He never said one way or another how he feels or what he wants. Since he hasn't come back, I doubt we will ever know. Everything else that has been posted has been pure conjecture on everyone's part.

@Dragoncdf Hope you are well. There is nothing you have to do. Continue to be you and go with how you feel. This will play out in time and in the fashion it is supposed to.

Though I'll add that once a woman I liked was asked by her friend if she liked me. She responded she didn't know but she thought we would be friends for a long time. In other words, we were friends for now while she figured out how she felt. And once she figured that out, turns out it was more then friends. So if you do like her more, give it time. It's very possible she will want more.

[Batya33]

 

Sure we can disagree- most people here responded as I did -assuming he wants to be in a romantic relationship with her and go on dates with her and he is concerned that she's responded with "just friends" when asked if they are a couple. People who are in a couple means they are in a romantic relationship.  That is the context as I read it and most others who responded read it.

I would not wait around for her to change her mind as she knows the OP is highly interested in her.  Therefore he should live his life, seek to date others since he is relationship minded from all he wrote - and if she changes her mind she surely will want him to know ASAP so the opportunity doesn't pass her by.