How many ways do I continue to have amazing connection in my conversation?

[AuthenticSelf]

I met someone and we finally had amazing conversation. I feel fairly good with the person. 

So, I finally sort of discover why I feel the connection or spark with someone. 

After looking back, it is value. It is either me telling them something valuable which helps their lives or them telling me something valuable which helps my live. 

However, this happens so random. 

So, just to ask if anyone has a way to have valuable conversation consistently? 

[Cherylyn]

Do it on the fly meaning think on your feet as the conversation flows.  During other times when you're by yourself,  think of interesting topics this other person would be interested in.  This is what I do.  Be interesting and if you can't think of anything to say,  be a great listener because everyone loves an amazing listener.  Never interrupt.  Whenever you allow them to speak a lot,  let them do all the work.  😉

[Batya33]

To me it's about rapport but and good listening with good eye contact and completely losing the expectation of the goal of somehow helping the person's life in some sort of deep way -if that happens cool but to me it shouldn't be the goal.  I think making someone laugh is valuable.  Someone who feels listened to in a genuine way is valuable.  I don't think a spark or connection requires conversations that are always deep and in fact that can be tiring/overwhelming for one or both people.  My husband and I have many inside jokes just from being together all these years and having compatible senses of humor and loving laughter so it's really cool to reference one or two words -or text one or two words and the other person totally gets it and it's like our secret and really funny. 

Or we share what's going on in our day and that's valuable - whether it's money I saved at the supermarket, a development in some work-related project or how I did at Wordle - it's valuable.  We're together, we're talking, we're sharing and truth -so much of what's valuable is that -having your person who wants to know that you discovered a new way to get a work task done that's much more efficient or you were able to troubleshoot a computer issue despite not being techy at all (more me than him).

I added value the other day in a deeper way because I was so upset with what my son told me about a conversation they had and I talked to myself first -to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and that I was certain there was a reasonable explanation that explained what really happened and what my son heard or mis-heard.  It was really valuable to approach him calmly -I had to wait 2.5 hours as he sleeps in - that I restrained myself from waking him early, that I listened -really listened -to him recount the conversation and what he intended and how our son misheard that intent. 

Because of that conversation we got closer -I was vulnerable because I was so upset and trying so hard to remember to trust that my husband means well -and he told me I should have woken him if I was that upset.  Which I never would have done but which was thuoghtful of him to offer.

Did i feel a spark - I mean no that wasn't the point -did I feel connected -yes but more importantly I felt connected to that part of me that wants to be a good wife - a person who remembers the trust we share and not to fly off the handle because my son thought my husband said X and I felt connected to him because he took my concerns seriously first thing in the morning (first thing for him).  So yes we added something of value to each other and then could add value to our son when we told him all was ok and what he heard and what was true. And to reassure him we were not going to argue over it and we love each other. All around a great conversation.

I also think you try to be a well rounded interesting person.  When I was a SAHM and immersed in all things baby/toddler/kindergartener - I made sure to keep up on current events and keep up on what my husband was working on and all the outside world stuff. Because talking about mom stuff can get boring even though it's our child.  I also did my best over the years to get interested in his stuff - the sports team he loves and Star Trek and Columbo.  It adds value to his life when he sees me taking an interest in "his stuff". Are the conversations about sports, Star Trek episodes, the current book I'm reading (I'm an avid fiction reader and some nonfiction) -deep - typically no.  But they're extremely relevant to our connection and spark. When you're well rounded you're also going to like being around other well rounded people even if their interests differ. 

I think having an agenda for how a conversation should go is a bad idea for the most part because then you'll be rehearsing what you want to say next and trying to reach some goal as opposed to the natural flow of conversation between people who have great rapport.  One of the best conversations I had with an ex boyfriend was when we were locked out of the house we were staying in and were in the car hanging out for hours and we went in depth on our favorite flavors of Pop Tarts.  I kid you not.  

Hope this helps.  It's a good question but very broad and very individual IMO.

[ShySoul]

Best think I can say to you is to stop trying or be looking for tips.

I enjoy your posts. I like reading the questions you ask people on there problems. But I suspect you ask yourself too many of these questions. You are trying to come up with a winning formula, a game plan on how to approach things to bring the best result. That's not how it generally works.

Don't think about it. Be in the moment and go with the flow. You can connect over anything if it is the right person. Its really not the topic you are connecting with it is the person. If the person has similar interests, experiences, idea, beliefs, etc. then you will connect. You will find yourself hitting on topics that you have in common and it will grow from there.

Conversation is valuable if it means something to the people involved. That can be over something serious or silly. I've had valuable conversations and bonded over tastes in music or politics, or by discussing past traumatic events. I've also had valuable conversations talking about favorite foods or making up our own random story or song lyrics. Point is we were together and having fun with the conversation. That is what made it valuable and helped our connection grow.

Focus on being there with the person. Really listen to them. Engage with them. And have fun with them. If you can do that, good chance the connection will grow.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

So, just to ask if anyone has a way to have valuable conversation consistently? 

You do realize that you are asking for impossible? Do you know how many times your date will turn up to be "a bore"? Nothing valuable to say, nothing remotely interesting to you about her?

You are asking to "feel the connection" on a consistent basis. While there are people who are "crushing" on everybody they meet and have a conversation with, there is simply no way to have a valuable conversation with everyone who you meet. Simply because you will not feel connected with everyone to have those conversations.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do realize that you are asking for impossible? Do you know how many times your date will turn up to be "a bore"? Nothing valuable to say, nothing remotely interesting to you about her?

You are asking to "feel the connection" on a consistent basis. While there are people who are "crushing" on everybody they meet and have a conversation with, there is simply no way to have a valuable conversation with everyone who you meet. Simply because you will not feel connected with everyone to have those conversations.

I might be mistaken and I thought he meant he met someone, had  this experience and wants it to continue with that person.  And I agree with what you wrote entirely!

[Batya33]

Also -and I agree with everyone and like how Shysoul put it - it can be as simple as looking at your close friends -what makes your conversations valuable to you - or do you even care whether they include this amazing connection? I -don't.  Sometimes I feel that desire if we haven't caught up in ages and then have limited time like I want to pack it all in but you know -that's not a great idea -ends up feeling forced/not fun.  

Yesterday I had an extremely valuable conversation with my friend I met in 1978 (but to be fair we were not in touch from around 2001-09!)She had a very scary biannual screening/checkup to do and she'd told me when - last week she mentioned it so I calendered it.  I texted her in the morning a simple -hope it all goes ok.  This was so appreciated  by her that I remembered. 

Then she replied that it did, thank goodness and she was celebrating with a delicious brunch.  Later she shared with me how it was wonderful to be ok, how they want to see her sooner than she thought which is ok -and how exhausting the whole process was.  She then helped me with a parenting issue with my teen -but my point is - she wanted to help -make that connection -because even though she was exhausted, she valued how I'd remembered/briefly followed up/and let her share the conflicting feelings of "whew" and still how exhausting it was despite good news.  See- it was simple back and forth but had depth based on our history/closeness and her realizing that I cared that much as to calendar it to know when to follow up. It's not always in the words, the topics, etc but in the emotion behind it and the showing you care by how and when you choose to communicate.

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I might be mistaken and I thought he meant he met someone, had  this experience and wants it to continue with that person. 

Could be. But still, he asks for impossible. I dont think there is a consistent way to always have valuable conversations with anybody every time you meet. At first he would feel excitement because of start of something. But after that novelty expires, what lefts is what is left of that love. I was not married but had relationships. What he chases is that “kick” you have at the beginning of relationship where everything is exciting and you always have “deep meaning” conversations and stuff like that. You dont get that on consistent basis after relationship progresses. 

[TeeDee]

13 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

So, just to ask if anyone has a way to have valuable conversation consistently? 

Choose your subjects wisely & really listen to each other

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Could be. But still, he asks for impossible. I dont think there is a consistent way to always have valuable conversations with anybody every time you meet. At first he would feel excitement because of start of something. But after that novelty expires, what lefts is what is left of that love. I was not married but had relationships. What he chases is that “kick” you have at the beginning of relationship where everything is exciting and you always have “deep meaning” conversations and stuff like that. You dont get that on consistent basis after relationship progresses. 

I agree. I would have varied my advice had he meant how to have good conversations on a first date.