Relationship Advise

[Jag Singh]

Hi, So after a bit of advise here. 

I've been with this girl for 4 years now. We do both Love each other. But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

But for me the main issue was that on 4 occasions previously she has flirted heavily with other men right in front of me. Now this is disrespectful. Last time i confronted her and she said i don't give her attention. 

I also suspect we are not exclusive like she makes out. Its hard for me to contact her when i want, we have to arrange a time etc. 

Now i think Love has made me blind to her behavior, if this happened early on i would have dumped her. Any chats we have seem to end in Arguments and she ends up blaming me and making me feel bad. So all this week i have felt bad because i accused her of cheating, I had no proof. 

Issue is she is really in Love with me i can tell by the way she looks at us etc. But she don't know how to behave. She does have ADHD. What should i do, have a chat with her or ditch her. My friends all say get rid. Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating. 

 

I know for one fat if i flirted with another girl she would be annoyed. 

Thanks 

[Coily]

53 minutes ago, Jag Singh said:

But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

Everything else is irrelevant. If you want marriage, then why waste more of your life with someone who doesn't value marriage?

It sounds like the relationship has already run it's course with the fighting and flirting she's doing. It's okay to end a relationship; break ups don't have to be over cheating or what not; you two have tow very different visions for your future.

[Batya33]

If she says now she wants marriage then have another conversation. Like - If you think how she flirted is cheating then I’d again discuss boundaries and use I statements. I feel disrespected when you flirt with other men especially in front of me”. And see what she say. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating

And this is your deal breaker.

Yet here you are... Staying with someone that has shown you they are not marriage material.

Someone who loves you, does not deliberately hurt you and walk all over you to get some pleasure from other men. Someone who loves you would not only say they love you, but they would act like it too. Consistently.

So what advice do you want? This is not something that can be magically fixed. She is aware of how hurtful her behaviour is to you, yet she chooses to continue to do so on your expense. Talking to her will only result in temporary adjustments and in you walking on egg shells until the other shoe drops.

[Kwothe28]

I think her not wanting marriage is enough for you to end it. Pair it off with flirting with others and she also.  deserves a booth on the street.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

Hi, So after a bit of advise here. 

I've been with this girl for 4 years now. We do both Love each other. But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

But for me the main issue was that on 4 occasions previously she has flirted heavily with other men right in front of me. Now this is disrespectful. Last time i confronted her and she said i don't give her attention. 

I also suspect we are not exclusive like she makes out. Its hard for me to contact her when i want, we have to arrange a time etc. 

Now i think Love has made me blind to her behavior, if this happened early on i would have dumped her. Any chats we have seem to end in Arguments and she ends up blaming me and making me feel bad. So all this week i have felt bad because i accused her of cheating, I had no proof. 

Issue is she is really in Love with me i can tell by the way she looks at us etc. But she don't know how to behave. She does have ADHD. What should i do, have a chat with her or ditch her. My friends all say get rid. Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating. 

 

I know for one fat if i flirted with another girl she would be annoyed. 

Thanks 

Flirting because she isn't getting any attention is a cop out and quite frankly a bunch of bull.

Here's the thing, her flirting is disrespectful, but also the lack of quality time given to you is also disrespectful. She isn't considering your feelings at all.

Don't confuse love for comfortably and complacency.

[Jag Singh]

Thanks all for the responses. I do in fact give her lots of attention. Ive missed family events for her. 

I always blamed the adhd. But i guess she knows what shes doing. Since i confronted her she ignored me. Infact when we were meant to have a convo about it. She called some randoms over started chatting to them. Once in a pub she called some random men over. Chatted to them. 

I guess i followed my heart. I always thought marry and things be ok. 

I am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jag Singh said:

Thanks all for the responses. I do in fact give her lots of attention. Ive missed family events for her. 

I always blamed the adhd. But i guess she knows what shes doing. Since i confronted her she ignored me. Infact when we were meant to have a convo about it. She called some randoms over started chatting to them. Once in a pub she called some random men over. Chatted to them. 

I guess i followed my heart. I always thought marry and things be ok. 

I am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

So you want some sort of trophy arm candy wife? What does her ADHD have to do with not wanting to get married ?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Jag Singh said:

am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

😮 how can you accept this?! She is beyond rude and you let her walk all over you by staying and putting up with this.

Honey, just because a woman looks beautiful, doesn't mean she is out of your league. As you can see, beauty is sometimes like a gift wrapping. The outside is nice, but eventually what is inside matters more. You need to come to terms with the reality that she hurts you. She does not value you. She does not respect you. She actively and purposefully does not treat you right. This has nothing to do with adhd. Adhd doesn't say you get to flirt with other people and dismiss your great partner.

I'm sure you're an attentive man. You respect her and value her. You are good enough. You are worthy of a partner who matches you at the level of commitment and respect. That's the bare minimum.

You need to learn to grow a spine and know when to ditch any woman (or person!) when they show you their true colours and don't reciprocate the respect and loyalty.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

Huh?

Is that the only reason? Not excusing her behavior by any means but 4 years is a long time to be with someone for superficial reasons. Are you sure you're with her for the right reasons? Really, there is something wrong if you're convinced that the best way to be "on par" with her is to end up feeling undervalued by her...  

[Jag Singh]

10 hours ago, gs8803 said:

Dude this is absolutely horrible and so disrespectful. I think you may have low self esteem and low confidence to be allowing yourself to deal with this. Shes being very hurtful.

Yes i think so. I get rejected on all dating apps. I even joined recently same story. Hence i stuck with her. We both have feelings. But these last couple of months i have woken up. In my mind i always suspected things were weird. But her doing it in front of me was the last straw. I've confronted her. She did turn it around on me. I actually felt bad after her words. It should actually be her feeling bad. Usually after such arguments i text first. I have not this time. 

She basically blamed me, said i have trust issues. I accuse her because im doing similar things myself etc. I know shes not the right one for me, all the advise here has confirmed it. So i will be taking your advise. Plenty more around that respect me. 

Maybe us not getting married is a sign. She would prob do the same after marriage and by that time its too late.  We even went on a holiday once, and not a single day of romantic time. Two days on that holiday she planned a outing with her friend and ditched me. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jag Singh said:

Yes i think so. I get rejected on all dating apps. I even joined recently same story. Hence i stuck with her. We both have feelings. But these last couple of months i have woken up. In my mind i always suspected things were weird. But her doing it in front of me was the last straw. I've confronted her. She did turn it around on me. I actually felt bad after her words. It should actually be her feeling bad. Usually after such arguments i text first. I have not this time. 

She basically blamed me, said i have trust issues. I accuse her because im doing similar things myself etc. I know shes not the right one for me, all the advise here has confirmed it. So i will be taking your advise. Plenty more around that respect me. 

Maybe us not getting married is a sign. She would prob do the same after marriage and by that time its too late.  We even went on a holiday once, and not a single day of romantic time. Two days on that holiday she planned a outing with her friend and ditched me. 

Rejected? Strangers don't reply or don't ask to meet you? That's simply a stranger not wanting to meet  you -that's not rejecting you -they don't know you.  Do you think your photos and profile reflect enough who you are and what you want? Might be worth evaluating.  

I don't think it's a sign -I think it's far more basic and simple.  I am married. You should never have to convince someone to marry you -it should be a resounding yes and the person should be reasonably sure and excited -I mean jitters are pretty typical especially in the stress of planning or whatever.  Huge decision of course -but jitters that are resolved. Marriage should be two people IMO who love each other, are in love and want to be together and hopefully don't see marriage as just a piece of paper -that's good too.  No need to overthink it. It's simply about being on the same page and wavelength.  She is not. She does not want to marry you. Marriage is important to you. 

So you move on and let her move on and find a better fit.  And you work on your profile and photos and get your behind in gear and get out there to meet people. I did so for many many years on and off when I wasn't in serious relationships to find the right person.  Dating sites too -met over 100 people in person -but not just dating sites.

[smackie9]

Well now you know why she doesn't want marriage....you are a place holder until she gets bored of you and monkey branches to someone else. Dude when they say they don't want marriage they mean it. Should never "wait around" for them to change their mind...you just wasted 4 years on this person. 

[TeeDee]

You want marriage.  She doesn't.  That is a deal breaker.  So you either have to give up marriage & take the crumbs she is offering with a side of disrespect or walk away with your dignity intact.   Eventually she is going to dump you.  Wouldn't it be better if you walked away on your terms? 

 

[Jag Singh]

Thanks for the advise, Yes I will walk away. We do both want different things. She does probably have someone else lined up ready for when I'm dumped. Those men she was flirting with in front of me are probably laughing at me. 

She didn't expect me to react and question her, now i have she hates it. Her game is up. 

Infact she mentioned marriage to me when she could detect i was thinking of leaving, so it is all a game. 

No more. Consider this topic closed now. I know what to do. My friends said it, you guys said it. So i will do it.

Plenty more in the sea as they say. 

Thanks for your help