Friendship breakup after a trip

[Sarah Smith]

Me and my friend went on a trip abroad together. I planned the whole trip, crafted the itinerary, booked everything, researched everything, payed for more than her etc etc.

On this trip we also did a roadtrip on a motorbike. I drove the whole way (many hours). We went to one of the most beautiful places on earth but also one of the hardest roads to drive in the world.

I was very stressed because it was hard but I made it, and I actually did it pretty well (got compliments from locals).

However on this trip, my friend was just horrible. She kept complaining and didn’t appreciate any of my hard work. At one of the most beautiful places on earth she said it wasn’t even that nice and complained about the long drive. Then she proceeded to say some really mean things. Like that I am useless and can’t do anything well, and that I didn’t do a good job with the trip. I got really sad, Ive never seen this side of her. She was super upset because I was “stressing”. I apologized for stressing but said that we have deadlines to meet. I even extended the rental and payed for it myself so there would be less stress.

The next day after we had returned the rented vehicle, I told her she is in charge since I am “such a terrible planner”. She took charge and we ended up being late to an event we payed 55$ for each and therefore didn’t get in. I didn’t even get upset with her for missing out on the event and losing the money, I just calmly told her this is why Im “stressing”. Although it’s not stressing, it’s just keeping plans and sticking to the schedule. But she’s always several hours late and doesn’t respect agreements, I knew she was lazy like that, but I hoped she would at least cooperate when I did all the work, planning and driving and most of the paying.

She got mad at me for no reason after she lost our chance to attend this event and stormed off and I didn’t see her for the rest of the trip, only at the airport.

Should I try to save this friendship? Or should I stay away from contacting her ever again?

 I have flaws too ofc, I am just human, but I am also able to communicate and apologize. She never even apologized after saying all those mean things and leaving all the work to me and just being angry about how I went about things.

Is it normal to have friendships breakups as an adult? I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me

[Coily]

I'm of two thoughts with this whole situation.

The first part is you come across as you pack far too much into a vacation, to tightly scheduled, and your friend seems to be more "It's vacation, why stress?" So from her angle, you tried to do too much and not enjoy the idea of getting away from it all. This is not a great mix when it comes to vacationing with a friend (or anyone else).

The Second, is she was ungrateful and took advantage. She should have communicated her travel type more clearly before planning even started. She needed to have input before even going on this trip; rather than just dumping this in your lap, and then being indignant when it didn't suit her.

My advice is that you should allow some time to pass, and then chat with her a little; rather than make some drastic decision without time to reflect.  The friendship will be strained until you both are willing to forgive.

 

It's perfectly normal for friendships to end in adulthood, people who have been friends for 30-40 years can just end. Nothing strange about it, people change.

[Kwothe28]

43 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

Is it normal to have friendships breakups as an adult?

Just today colleague complained to me that his best friend blocked him. So yes, it is something that could happen even in adulthood. 

I can see why you think she is ungrateful. Frankly, it is. But you should also realize not everybody would appreciate our efforts. No matter how hard we try.

Is it beyond saving? Eh, maybe. She didnt really act like a good friend. But if you appreciate her friendship maybe you can try to talk to her. 

[Sarah Smith]

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

I'm of two thoughts with this whole situation.

The first part is you come across as you pack far too much into a vacation, to tightly scheduled, and your friend seems to be more "It's vacation, why stress?" So from her angle, you tried to do too much and not enjoy the idea of getting away from it all. This is not a great mix when it comes to vacationing with a friend (or anyone else).

The Second, is she was ungrateful and took advantage. She should have communicated her travel type more clearly before planning even started. She needed to have input before even going on this trip; rather than just dumping this in your lap, and then being indignant when it didn't suit her.

My advice is that you should allow some time to pass, and then chat with her a little; rather than make some drastic decision without time to reflect.  The friendship will be strained until you both are willing to forgive.

 

It's perfectly normal for friendships to end in adulthood, people who have been friends for 30-40 years can just end. Nothing strange about it, people change.

That actually sounds really reasonable,  thanks! I’ll follow your advice 

[Sarah Smith]

22 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just today colleague complained to me that his best friend blocked him. So yes, it is something that could happen even in adulthood. 

I can see why you think she is ungrateful. Frankly, it is. But you should also realize not everybody would appreciate our efforts. No matter how hard we try.

Is it beyond saving? Eh, maybe. She didnt really act like a good friend. But if you appreciate her friendship maybe you can try to talk to her. 

Yeah, I think Ill let the situation cool off a little and then see what happens. But tbh I saw a different side to her, it will be hard to move past this

[Batya33]

Yes this can happen for sure. I was very very nervous about traveling abroad with my friend of then 23 years. For a week. We’d traveled before but never Europe. She’s a seasoned traveler. I was a bit less so. We planned together and we stayed where she could afford - a bed and breakfast very low key. It went great but to me it’s a tall order for many BFF to travel together especially if there is too much to pack in. I remember being pretty cranky the first time my husband took me to see Death Valley in 2006 or so but when we went with our son in 2022 it was better.
We travel a lot together but for sure there are some issues and there have been some bad arguments too. It’s not an easy thing especially with a schedule. Meaning a bit easier to go to like an all inclusive resort and hang on the beach for a week.

You two simply didn’t mesh as fellow travelers and both of you had wildly different expectations. I’m so sorry it wasn’t what you wanted it and planned for it to be !

[tattoobunnie]

Took a small road trip this past Spring with my kids and my buddy's family, and while I still car about her, I was so turned off by their inability to feed their kids in a timely matter, so I cooked for them. And their inability to help clean without being told.  We are still friends, but I have not seen them since, nor do I want to as there were other things up with their kids.  I get why that's their reality, but in the same token, I can't see her as my equal at this time.

Some friends, you just can't travel with.  Go to an event together, and keep your own schedule, sure.  Full-on intimate road trips where the other person didn't have enough input or skinny (pay their own way), not always.

Speaking as a middle aged woman, yes, sometimes you gain a friend, sometimes you lose them.  Time, new families, different priorities...it is all a part of life.

[Cherylyn]

Discard the friendship.  She isn't worth saving.

Don't gaslight yourself by saying you're flawed,  too otherwise you are providing excuses for other people's unacceptable and intolerable bad behaviors.  

I too have great disdain for those who refuse to apologize for wrongdoing.  Instead,  they expect you to move on,  "not stew,"  and pretend disrespect and offenses never happened.  😠  This is very harmful to any friendship or relationship and in most cases,  it cements the permanent damage and end to a friendship or relationship. 

Again,  never gaslight yourself into thinking there is something wrong with you because this is what some people question about themselves and perpetrators or narcissists want you to believe you are to blame while they'll never take accountability in a million years. 

They're either in denial mode,  don't care how you feel and they (narcissists) feel they have the right to say or write whatever they feel like without a care in the world.  You don't matter.  If you don't like whatever they say,  write or do,  tough luck.  Take it or leave it is their attitude.  What do I say?  Leave it.  🤨  They are arrogant.  These types of people are trash.

Yes,  it's very normal to have friendship breakups as an adult.  It is up to you to weed out the bad apples in your lifetime.  Some people qualify to grace your life whereas others are easy,  automatic rejects.  Not everyone deserves to associate with you.  Be very picky and choosy.  Only choose people who possess class to be your friend.  Anyone else is never under consideration.  It's out of the question.

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

hen she proceeded to say some really mean things. Like that I am useless and can’t do anything well, and that I didn’t do a good job with the trip.

I would not be interested in being friends with such a person. 

They would never hear from me again. 

[Jaunty]

How long had you known this person before going on a trip together?

[JoyfulCompany]

Well, I would dump her for two separate reasons:
1. Letting you plan the whole thing means "I'm fine with whatever". She can't at the same time not lift a finger with the organization and rudely complain about it. Hello, where were you when it was time for planning?
2. The absolutely trashy attitude. I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive home, so - insulting me, blaming me for her own actions, ditching me on a holiday - I accept those from nobody, if I have the choice.

If it was just incompatibility when travelling, then why the abuse? She could've communicated her disappointment in a more mature way and admit her role in the situation. Then, when it was her turn to lead  - to accept the responsibility and the consequences of that.

The only way I could maybe consider taking space instead of ending the friendship is if she returned with a sincere apology and a deep reflection of her behaviour in what happened. So, it needs to be her contacting me + her apologizing + her showing self-awareness. Otherwise I'll be just signing up for more abuse and, well, life is too short and so is my tolerance for BS.

For future joint adventures with other people:
 - better NOT burden yourself with the whole responsibility, try to split/delegate/agree on who does what;
 - ask in advance for any special requirements around sleep, food, free time, etc.;
 - run everything (accommodation, places, events, prices, etc.) with the rest of the travellers and do it in writing;
But why do I think you did the last two points with her and still got this attitude...

Anyway, you deserve better. Glad you were there to witness beauty that inspires you and sorry it was ruined by lack of appreciation, bad attitude, insults and abandonment.

[Batya33]

If I didn't give this impression after reading Joyful and Canuck I agree that it's fine if two friends aren't compatible or not a fan of the other's planning but yes express it in a thoughtful respectful way and acknowledge that you deferred to the other person's plan.  Like if you go to someone's home for dinner and you're asked if you have preferences and you say no anything is fine. Well then eat your kale salad or chicken fried steak or whatever.  I think good friends should express if they think that traveling together would be too much but going to the theater would not be, etc.  My sense is there were warning signs before but the OP -understandably- wanted so much  to see this awesome place and go on this adventure.  I get it!

[Sarah Smith]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Well, I would dump her for two separate reasons:
1. Letting you plan the whole thing means "I'm fine with whatever". She can't at the same time not lift a finger with the organization and rudely complain about it. Hello, where were you when it was time for planning?
2. The absolutely trashy attitude. I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive home, so - insulting me, blaming me for her own actions, ditching me on a holiday - I accept those from nobody, if I have the choice.

If it was just incompatibility when travelling, then why the abuse? She could've communicated her disappointment in a more mature way and admit her role in the situation. Then, when it was her turn to lead  - to accept the responsibility and the consequences of that.

The only way I could maybe consider taking space instead of ending the friendship is if she returned with a sincere apology and a deep reflection of her behaviour in what happened. So, it needs to be her contacting me + her apologizing + her showing self-awareness. Otherwise I'll be just signing up for more abuse and, well, life is too short and so is my tolerance for BS.

For future joint adventures with other people:
 - better NOT burden yourself with the whole responsibility, try to split/delegate/agree on who does what;
 - ask in advance for any special requirements around sleep, food, free time, etc.;
 - run everything (accommodation, places, events, prices, etc.) with the rest of the travellers and do it in writing;
But why do I think you did the last two points with her and still got this attitude...

Anyway, you deserve better. Glad you were there to witness beauty that inspires you and sorry it was ruined by lack of appreciation, bad attitude, insults and abandonment.

Yes you are right, but she will unfortunately never apologize. She’s too caught up in thinking that I am the only one in the wrong. I think she’s more likely to try sweep it under the rug if you know what I mean. Also I have to try stay at good terms with her for a little longer, because she owes me a lot of money, and with her character.. tbh I am worried she will never pay me back. And I am in a financial situation where that would be a huge problem, so idk what to do really 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said:

she owes me a lot of money

What did you lend her money for? 

[Tinydance]

Yes unfortunately friendships do end and change as adults and it's really sad  😞 I'm kind of in the same boat at the moment. Can you give more background about your friendship? How long have you known each other? Are you really close friends? I'm assuming you are if you went overseas together. Has she ever acted like this before? Have you travelled together before? How old are you both?

I'm in two minds about this because on one hand yes your friend acted awful towards you. The way she ditched you the rest of the trip was extremely rude and immature. Even if she was upset with you, you don't do that! So based on that, yes it seems you should just end the friendship. However if the friendship has actually been good overall, maybe she is just someone that you're not compatible to travel with.

Our friends are not our partner so I think some friendships can actually exist but in a certain capacity. E.g. Some people are friends for years but they become housemates and they just really clash. There are some people that we can see on a regular basis like once a week or once a fortnight but we can't be around them 24/7. That's why sometimes when people move in with a partner, they realise they're incompatible because their living styles are just too different.

Going on a trip involves being on the same page about everything, like how to plan the activities, what to do, how to pay, etc. And often people are very set in their ways so they just want to do everything their way. But again because the relationship isn't romantic you actually don't need to travel together or live together. If you were having a good friendship otherwise then maybe you just need to come to the conclusion that travelling isn't something you do together.

For example, my best friend has a close male friend of 14 years. He's on the autism spectrum and he's very rigid and specific in how he wants things done. And he gets very upset if something isn't to his tastes. She said she started to avoid cooking together with him because he'd get controlling about everything and micro manage her. Like, he'd say: "Don't cut the mushrooms so big, they need to be cut really small!" But it was just a stir fry so you could cut however you like. So she avoids cooking with him and they just go on hikes, for dinner, movies. 

Personally I'm someone who's more spontaneous so while I have some things booked on a trip, I also just wing it a lot of the time. I think if I was on a trip with someone who literally had every moment booked or planned out, we'd clash. Like I wouldn't think what they did was wrong but it's just not what I'd prefer to do. That's just an example.

What was the story why you paid for a lot of the trip? 

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

because she owes me a lot of money, and with her character..

Sorry to hear that. Traveling together and loaning money are two of the most common ways of losing a friend. You already don't trust her character (and rightfully so) so there's not much to salvage here. Sucking up to her wouldn't make her pay you back. I suggest you ask for your money back immediately.

[TeeDee]

You learned you have different travel styles so no more trips together.  Give it some distance for now.  If she reaches out & seeks to continue the friendship & there are pre-trip things that were working see if you can save that but I wouldn't put in too much effort.  The minute she was insulting again, I'd be done. 

[Jaunty]

A lot of people can be pretty good friends and absolutely unsuited to travel together.  I don't have any idea what kind of relationship you two had before this trip, since you have not answered those questions, but you definitely are not good travel companions.

In some ways you set yourself up by taking on every aspect of the planning and evidently including the payment.   That was unwise and you probably could have predicted that you would not be able to think of things that she'd enjoy a lot without bouncing the ideas off of her before committing to them.

Lesson learned for the future, hopefully.

As far as this friend goes ... there are 2 sides to every story and we only have yours.  If she is someone dear to your heart, it would be worth dialing things back to the way they were before this disastrous trip.  If it's just two women who decided to go someplace together and it was a wretched bust - why bother.

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

The only way I could maybe consider taking space instead of ending the friendship is if she returned with a sincere apology and a deep reflection of her behavior in what happened. So, it needs to be her contacting me + her apologizing + her showing self-awareness. Otherwise I'll be just signing up for more abuse and, well, life is too short and so is my tolerance for BS.

 

Amen to that @JoyfulCompany  I couldn't agree more.  😊

According to my experience,  it is very rare for some people to have remorse and actually take it to the next level with admittance,  a sincere apology and put forth the effort to make amends. 

In an optimal world,  there would be humility and a 'happily ever after' scenario.  In a realistic world,  perpetrators (or narcissists) expect you to endlessly move on with amnesia.  Offenses,  insults,  rudeness and obnoxious disrespect are never addressed.  This expectation of pretending no offenses ever occurred is no longer viable.  😒 😠

[Wonderstruck]

12 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

she owes me a lot of money, and with her character.. tbh I am worried she will never pay me back. And I am in a financial situation where that would be a huge problem, so idk what to do really 

If you're serious about getting the money back, you will probably have to take her to Small Claims court.

She doesn't sound like the kind of person who is EVER going to pay it back of their own free will.

You should have NOTHING more to do with her (except for in a formal, legal capacity in order to get your money back).

I would strongly recommend that you read and re-read @JoyfulCompany's post, she absolutely NAILS it. Nothing more needs to be said.

[Tinydance]

14 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Well, I would dump her for two separate reasons:
1. Letting you plan the whole thing means "I'm fine with whatever". She can't at the same time not lift a finger with the organization and rudely complain about it. Hello, where were you when it was time for planning?
2. The absolutely trashy attitude. I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive home, so - insulting me, blaming me for her own actions, ditching me on a holiday - I accept those from nobody, if I have the choice.

If it was just incompatibility when travelling, then why the abuse? She could've communicated her disappointment in a more mature way and admit her role in the situation. Then, when it was her turn to lead  - to accept the responsibility and the consequences of that.

The only way I could maybe consider taking space instead of ending the friendship is if she returned with a sincere apology and a deep reflection of her behaviour in what happened. So, it needs to be her contacting me + her apologizing + her showing self-awareness. Otherwise I'll be just signing up for more abuse and, well, life is too short and so is my tolerance for BS.

For future joint adventures with other people:
 - better NOT burden yourself with the whole responsibility, try to split/delegate/agree on who does what;
 - ask in advance for any special requirements around sleep, food, free time, etc.;
 - run everything (accommodation, places, events, prices, etc.) with the rest of the travellers and do it in writing;
But why do I think you did the last two points with her and still got this attitude...

Anyway, you deserve better. Glad you were there to witness beauty that inspires you and sorry it was ruined by lack of appreciation, bad attitude, insults and abandonment.

I agree with this whole post too. I think while you were trying to be nice and plan the whole trip and pay for more than her, you really don't actually have to do that. Especially not the paying part. Again I'm not sure what the story was why you planned everything. Like, did you ask for her input or to help or you straight up just offered to do everything? 

I don't know you or her so my comments aren't in any way meant as an offence or attack on you. It's just simply me discussing different scenarios. For example, my sister-in-law is extremely pushy and dominant and she always wants to take over organising everything. And she doesn't really discuss what people want and just wants everything to run her way. Again I'm not necessarily saying you're like this but some people are like this. They take over everything and book everything as they like. Then when the other person gets upset they're like: "You're so ungrateful coz I did everything!" But it wasn't like "did everything", it was more like "took over everything." But to reiterate I have no idea if you actually did this or not. I'm just throwing ideas around.

In any case, your friend was EXTREMELY rude, just beyond rude. Even if you're upset but you don't call someone useless and then ditch them on their own the rest of the trip. That was absolutely unnecessary. And a mature person would actually communicate and say: "Actually I realised I don't really want to do X, can we do Y instead?" Like what's the point in just throwing tantrums when you travelled to a whole other country to enjoy that country.

And yes absolutely she should apologise. If anything at least for the fact that she made you miss the $55 event and you lost your money!